Thursday, May 29, 2008

How I honored the memory of our fallen soldiers

For lunch, John, Keith and I went down to the Cleveland Rib Cook Off for two hours because I am just that dedicated to my job. We ate yummy food and then Keith and I got our asses handed to us playing John at cornhole. John and I then played some game and won free t-shirts and lip balm. After taking such a long lunch, I went back to the office to put my nose to the grindstone and crank out some quality work. But I ended up just leaving and going to Diane's house. Seriously why do they pay me.

When I got there, Tony and Meg were already there and Meg was making vodka slushes. This is why I hang out with these people. Slowly more and more people started showing up-an excellent display of our group's work ethic. Then we had an impromptu cook out and got wasted and played with Gordo's Wii. Ahem, Gordo's Wii video gaming system-not Gordo's wee. Pervs.

Anyway, I was a Wii virgin (a virgin to Gordo's Wii gaming system-not a virgin to Gordo's wee. Hey-oh!!!) and was sure I would only be mildly impressed. Let me just say, it is a good thing I don't have one of these at home. I would literally never leave my house it is so awesome.

Gordo accidentally broke one of his remotes while we were playing, and he turned the Wii off and then on again. Then this started:

Tony: "You guys, he just had to wiiset it."
Aloyd: "Gordo, I think maybe you're just wiitarded."

And so on. The bad puns have not stopped, and hopefully they will never stop.

Diane, Meg and I drank on the rooftop deck of Meg's apartment building downtown. It was glorious. Shannon and Gerbs joined us and we made Gerbs drink wine coolers, and it was fantastic. Especially when we gave him a Pomegranate one, and he was like, "I prefer the strawberry."

After that we went downstairs to a bar to drink with Brian and Anita. All of us except Meg were going over to the Kenny Chesney concert which was like 10 hours long. Seriously-the first act was at 2:30. Shannon hadn't really drank in a year and half after having a baby, and she was ready to do it up. She was drinking long islands, and then goes, "Hey before we leave, do you guys want to do a shot?" Here are the shots we did:

Me, Meg, Diane and Anita: Sex on the Beach
Gerbs and Brian: Washington Apple
Shannon: Goldschlager

Yeah that's right. The mom did a real shot. Her husband and the rest of us did pussy shots. As if to underscore that fact, the bartender put our shots in plastic cups and Shannon's in a real glass shotglass.

The concert itself was amazing. Sammy Hagar was there and he was wearing man capris, and he sang "Why Can't This Be Love" and I peed. By the way, Sammy Hagar wins over David Lee Roth every single time, without hesitation, without a doubt so don't even try to pretend DLR was better unless you love being wrong. Team Van Hagar!

The highlight of the concert for me was Keith Urban. I love that man. I have said it a million times, and I will keep saying it: he is a hitmaker. An honest to goodness hitmaker. Every song is good. Every song is a hit. He sounded amazing live. Also he was HOT. Not once have I ever seen a picture or video of Keith Urban and thought he was cute so I don't know what happened, but at this concert the man was freaking gorgeous. I really never wanted him to leave the stage.

After that was Kenny Chesney who is also great and sounded really good live. I had no idea he was as popular as he is. When he came out, the place went absolutely batshit insane. It was like the SuperBowl. I'm not exaggerating. He's a one-man industry.

Besides the music, my favorite part of the night was people-watching. Pink cowboy hats and mullets and inappropriately dressed (and behaving) mothers. It was fantastic. Let me give you an idea of what we were dealing with. Diane went to the bathroom and came out and told me that there was fighting in the women's room because people were forming their own lines and cutting in front of each other. Tensions were high. Then one lady walked up to the sink to wash her hands. Then this:

Lady washing her hands apparently not seeing the soap 1 inch to the right of her hands: "Oh nice-they don't even have any fucking soap in here!?"

Worker lady in the bathroom: "It's right in front of you."

Yelling lady: "Oh nice customer service!!"

Worker lady: "Bitch, get out of my bathroom!"


Sunday I played with Kennedy, Steph's dog. Yes, that's his real name. Are you surprised? She drives homeless people to the polls. Politics is her life. Anyway, I was watching him while she was out of town so we hung out, and he helped me plant all my flowers. And by helped I mean he rolled around in mulch so when Steph came to pick him up I said, "Here you go! Oh sorry he's covered in dirt. Have fun with that."

Then that night we went to a bar where I drank martinis and our waiter simultaneously hit on all 7 of us girls at once. This is how it started. We were all sitting outside. The boys were inside playing bocce ball. Our waiter came up and said, "How are you ladies doing? Solving any world problems? Anything I can help with? I am single and available for dating." Then he walked away. Amazing.

Monday we went over to Tony's place for a cookout. By Tony's place I mean Drew and Diane's place, but when Tony's in town it's his place. Plus it was his idea, and he invited everyone over and when we walked in he said, "Thanks for coming to my first annual cookout." By the way, there are a lot of things I love about Tony being in town, not the least of which is that sometimes he gets naked, but this is how he comes into town:

"Oh hey, Drew, I'm coming to your house tomorrow to stay for a week or so."

Yeah. He just calls someone up-whoever he picks-and tells them he's on his way and will be staying at their house. Is that not totally fantastic?

The rest of the day was filled with way too much food and alcohol, cornhole, singing, laughing and Wii puns. It was almost a perfect day to be honest. Tony, I can't wait to go to next year's cookout.

Oh also I poured one out for all my homies lost during military service because I'm not a heartless wench who only uses that holiday as an excuse to drink and eat corn on the cob. Okay fine maybe I am, but so are you. Especially you (you know who you are).


Sizzle said...

I love that the worker lady yelled at the soap bitch. HA!

Tracy Lynn said...

Ok, this was really good, and so I'm not even going to mention how wholly deluded you are in terms of David Lee Roth. I mean, girl, please. Sammy Hagar is good, but lacks the practiced carny charm of DLR.

~Tori said...

"Team Van Hagar!"


Aaron said...

I like Van Hagar more too. Sign me up for Team Hagar. "Dreams" gives me a 'semi'. ALOYD

Mon said...

maybe i need to play wii. cus i just dont get it.

Sounds like a killer weekend!

Gordon said...

Yeah, the Wii jokes are a riot, until you've heard them a dozen times over, which I clearly have. Mon- play Mario Kart for the Wii, and you will be hooked forever. That's how I got all the girls hooked.

Also, Diamond Dave is the original, and as such, is unsurpassed. Trust me, I saw Van Hagar do Jump, in conert, and it wasn't the same. I'm just saying.

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