Things that are totally awesome for me this week

- "Disturbia" by Rihanna. Eighty percent of my free time is spent listening to this song.
- James McAvoy. He is just a yummy, yummy little treat. Not usually my type but mmmm.
- Neil Patrick Harris's Old Spice commercial. Have you seen it? It is amazing.
- I am taking a half day to go to an Indians game today. Awesome.
- The Douche Card. Oh how I could use this.
- Krusty's is in 49 hours. The reason I know that is because my friend Mike texted me 2 hours ago and said, "51 hours till Krustys". Then he wrote, "I just peed a little...just a little".
- Lost season finale

I know what you're thinking about that last one. 'But, Sarah, the Lost finale was 2 months ago.' Oh boy. Guys, it's time for super confession to my Losties out there. Um...I just watched the season finale for the first time last night. I know!! I'm the worst! I have no excuse. I had it and the two episodes before it on my DVR and just never got around to watching them. I got so busy especially with the wedding, and it just seemed like there was never a good time. And the further I got away from it, the more I forgot that I hadn't watched it. Then last night I was looking through the giant list on my DVR and came across them and was like, "Holy awesome-I get to watch new Lost episodes!" All I have to say is...holy shit. I won't go into my usual extensive detail because we're clearly not in Lost recap season, but I just have a couple things I want to say.

Very old spoilers ahead

- Why is Walt 35 years old.

- Hurley playing chess with Mr. Eko!!! Is he crazy or is that real? I vote real.

- Sawyer jumping out of the helicopter to save the group. Has anyone else on the island done a bigger 180 in personality? Mr. Selfish becomes Mr. Selfless? Oh my God that was amazing. Also it led to a shirtless Sawyer scene. Bonus. You know what? This is going to sound sacreligious I think, and I can't even believe I'm saying this, but when he crawled out of the water and went up and was talking to Juliet, I thought, "They'd be a pretty hot couple." I know, right? What is wrong with me? I don't know what it is-maybe it was the 3 months away from the show, but she didn't really bother me that much in the last few episodes, and actually I pretty much believe she is really just a person who got stuck in a bad situation and is trying her best to help. WHO AM I?? Obviously when the next season starts I reserve the right to immediately loathe her again if I want to.

- Jack's dad and Claire in the cabin. Um...wtf.

- Locke's the new leader of The Others! Amazing twist. Amazing.

- Jack knows Claire's his sister. That was an awesome scene. Matthew Fox was pitch perfect. Also hottest man alive.

- Jin! You guys, I was bawling my eyes out when he was yelling for them to come back and Sun was screaming. To be honest, I was also screaming, "YOU HAVE TO GO BACK!! GET HIM!!" Then the boat exploded, and...I don't think I can talk about it. I was a mess. An absolute mess.

- The Desmond and Penny reunion was the most amazing thing ever. What a fantastic payoff. Again I was turned into a blubbering mess. So so beautiful. Plus she is so awesome. She never stopped looking for him, and she helped the group lie. I wonder if she knows what her dad is up to or if he knows what she is up to. I would love to see a father-daughter face off. I don't know if this means that Desmond is not going to be on the show anymore. That makes me really sad since he is so awesome and hot. But I am okay knowing he's somewhere with his happy ending.

- Locke in the casket!!

Ifuckinglovethisshowseriously.

My sister's dry bachelorette party

I just went through all the pictures I had from Diane's bachelorette party at Put In Bay a month ago. Um...I'll be frank: there are barely any I can post without putting in jeopardy the careers, future political aspirations, and overall respect from others of all the girls involved in the pictures. However, I will try to get the point across using what I can.

A group of us took off work that Friday and drove up early. As we were waiting in line to get on the ferry, naturally we started doing jello shots. What else are you going to do at noon on a Friday. Once we got to the island, we immediately put up this caution tape to warn those staying in the houses around us:







Those who got caught up in the craziness only have themselves to blame as the area was clearly marked. Shortly after that, we went uptown to the bars where I had the most delicious lemonade and vodka that God has ever bestowed upon this planet. Plus we got to see some awesome man jorts:

















And this guy dedicated a song to Diane that none of us knew:














He was basically just a dude who grabbed his friend and said, "Hey-want to play guitar at Put in Bay"? Oh and he rapped.

Once we got back to the house, the rest of the girls came and we threw a feather boa on Diane. Then this started:











Since I was essentially the host of the event and I wanted to be sober enough to make sure Diane was having fun, I tried to keep myself under control. Tried and failed completely. I blame Sharda who brought Grey Goose and olives and made us martinis. A - they were the best martinis ever. B - they took me from semi-normal functioning human being to poo-faced retarded dancing monkey in about 1.2 minutes. I love Sharda.

Before I knew it we were at our first bar meeting weirdos. Part of the reality of a bachelorette party is that you attract weirdos. My advice to you in this situation? Don't fight it. Just go with it. They can sense you trying to get rid of them, and by God they will dig in their heels and hang on even harder. Just let them come up, say their weirdo things and then let them go on their weirdo way. Ooh we did meet U.S. Marshalls, though. That was pretty awesome. We got to see their badges and everything. One had a Goonies t-shirt on so obviously he was instantly my best friend. The other one was in love with my friend Kimmie who is married. That did not deter him in any way. This is verbatim what he said to me when I found out he was a U.S. Marshall: "Single, U.S. Marshall, 100K+ a year. What of it?" Yeah. Is that awesome or what?

In no time, Diane was singing "Talk Dirty to Me" with the band. Here she is singing into my new boyfriend's microphone:









Do you see this guy's cut off shirt and tennis shoes? Fantabulous. That is the only word for it.









My loyalty to my new boyfriend was tested at the next bar when I saw this shirt:

















Okay look, I know I am being judgemental. But I mean...that's what I do. Let's be honest. And let me just say that I think it's absolutely great if you go to Egypt and buy a souvenir for yourself. But is a bar at PIB the right place to wear this shirt? On second thought, I did make a direct bee-line over to him to ask him where he got it so maybe it had the effect he wanted. No, no-I'm posting it on my blog. That can't be the result he was hoping for.

We were really lucky in that our favorite cover band, The Websters, were playing at PIB while we were up there.







Here they are just beyond boyfriend contender number 3 with the ill-advised ponytail.











The next day was a lot tamer. Just kidding-didn't you see the caution tape? At lunch there was a kid doing magic tricks and making balloon animals for a nearby children's birthday party. It took about 13 seconds for us to decide to call him over. He made Diane a balloon sword and a balloon crown. I'll admit it-I was jealous. After that was the winery where we started a game of "I Never". It was enlightening to say the least. I learned a lot about my friends. Maybe some things I could've gone the rest of my life without knowing. Suddenly as we were answering questions about inappropriate things we've done in a moving vehicle, it started to rain. We decided to buy a bunch of wine and take it back to the houses. Luckily we had 2 cars to drive back in. Unluckily, we had 19 girls. So Steph ended up taking roughly 12 of them on a giant golf cart. I wish you could've seen them riding on the golf cart in the rain. It is in my top 10 list of things I've seen in my life. Steph was driving, trying to hold an umbrella outside the cart. The other girls were huddled together in the back. And as they moved at about 7 mph, they were all singing "Blame It On the Rain". Milli Vanilli is always there to comfort us in our time of need.

Shortly after we got back to the house, it was time to take Kimmie to the ferry so she could go home. I drove her, but Steph came with me because I don't know my way around the island even though I have been going there every year for 8 years. What can I say, I am rarely sober there. Or in, you know, life. Steph immediately got in the backseat, laid down and said, "This feels right." That's our Stephie.

As we got closer and closer to the lake, the weather started to calm down. And by calm down, I mean the heavens opened up and started throwing chunks of shit at my car. It was hailing like crazy. I mean hailing like I have never experienced hail in my entire life. It was deafening. Luckily, I reacted calmly and sensibly by pulling into a parking lot next to the ferry, sticking my fingers in my ears and screaming. I'm serious, you guys, I have never in my life heard anything that loud. And all I could think about was my poor car. Kim was a big help in the passenger seat saying, "Oh my God! Sarie, I'm so sorry!"

Suddenly from the backseat there was a firm voice. It was Steph and she was saying, "Sarah, if you think you can drive, you need to get away from the lake as soon as possible." So I pulled out of the parking lot and followed her sharp directions. "Left! Right! Left!" She got us back to the house and said, "Sorry I got abrupt like that. I grew up on the lake, and I saw the trees bending the way they bend when a water spout is about to hit." Steph saved my life, you guys. I told her I was going to say that at her eulogy, and she yelled at me for writing her eulogy. But seriously. If you are ever in an emergency situation and I am around instead of Steph, you are totally fucked.







The hail at the house. Next to the lake it was roughly 127 times worse.











Saturday night, we dressed Diane up like a classy lady:
















And started our night with a game of Kings. Then...well...then Peter Pecker made his entrance. Peter Pecker is the anatomically correct blow up doll we gave to Kim for her bachelorette party last year. She brought him with her. When he came out, things really went south fast. First he had to be inflated:












Then he started showing off:













Then pictures like these started happening:





































And then we just slipped lower and lower into the depths of depravity, and I just can't post any more because, I mean, my parents read this. So...how about some randoms?





These make me want to be a better man.









This is what happened when some dude walked by Renee, took off her lei, and put it around his neck and I grabbed it off of him and it got caught on his sunglasses or something:














It stretched a minimum of 25 feet before someone got pissed and broke it. Right before or after this, Renee and I decided to act out the "Sledgehammer" video. While everyone around us looked scared, I almost peed my pants laughing while we pretended to be a chicken moving in stop-motion animation.




This fan became an important prop in our subsequent dances.









Side note: At this particular bar, an old lady flashed Diane. She was mad none of the guys at the bar wanted her to flash them, so apparently she decided what my sister really wanted before she got married was to be uncomfortable and grossed out and reminded that she is truly attracted to men.







This guy was watching us dance, and when I stopped for a minute he tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Hey. Shake it, don't break it."










Other random events:
- I proposed to Becky
- Jen, Jess, Danielle and Becky went to a house where a bachelor party was staying and saw the stripper they had hired. From the description I was given, she was in her forties but had the skin of a, well, of a fruit rollup. And she was completely naked and did horrible gross tricks that we made the girls reenact with Peter Pecker and that have scarred them for life.
- We got in a fight with a group of guys because...I have no idea why. I don't remember. But I know we really hit them where they hurt. Like we claimed one of the guys was in the musical "Wicked" and we sang songs from the soundtrack to him. And I called one of the guys "The Boy Who Could Fly". Because that's an obvious insult and makes a lot of sense. Believe me you do not want to get in a fight with us. We will totally kick your ass Broadway musical style.
- Looking at the pictures tonight, I realized you can totally see my bra through the shirt I wore Friday night. Girls, where were you on that one? You can't give me a heads up? 'Hey, Sarah-nice leopard print bra. Maybe you wanna wear one that doesn't make you look like a fruit rollup stripper-in-training.' Is that so hard, ladies?

By the way, 2 weeks ago we held an in-town bachelorette party for the girls and Moms who couldn't come to PIB. The boys held one for Drew the same night. We ended up joining forces at the end of the night. They were much more controlled than the first out-of-town bachelor/bachelorette parties:

























I'll leave you with one last picture which I think really sums up our entire PIB weekend:




Say no to crack.



Made you look.

I really am still here

Okay you guys, I have so much to tell you so I will be using this weekend to get organized. I still need to tell you about PIB and then the wedding, and I need to get it done before next week because do you know what next week is? Do you? It's Krusty's time! I am so excited, I almost don't know what to do. Diane and Drew actually planned their wedding around it. That should tell you how awesome it is.

Since I owe you like 27 posts, I am phoning it in today and hoping you'll say that it's better than nothing. My friend Kimmie is always sending me those "All About You" emails where you're supposed to fill it out and send it to other people. Well I'm just gonna answer on the blog here.

1. What is your occupation? Amateur wino. Just kidding. Professional wino.

2. What color are your socks right now? Bare foot. Note: I am at work. Yeah-for real.

3. What are you listening to right now? Some guy on the phone reaming someone a new asshole. It is awesome.

4. What was the last thing that you ate? Reduced Fat White Cheddar Cheez-It. It was amazing.

5. Can you drive a stick shift? Yep. My dad had 3 things he really wanted for his girls growing up: he wanted us to learn how to ski, how to drink scotch and how to drive stick. I can do 2 of those 3 things. The third one you can make me try if you want me to immediately throw up on your face (skiiing).

6. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Work voice mail. It was a very one-sided conversation.

7. Do you like the person who sent this to you? I love Kimmie with all my heart and her baby is the cutest baby in the whole world and I want to steal him.

8. How old are you right now? You shut your goddamn face.

9. What is your favorite sport to watch? Watching Gordo try to draw pictures during Pictionary.

10. What is your favorite drink? This is like "Sophie's Choice". I guess I'll go with strawberry daiquiri, but really I love all my drinks.

11. Have you ever dyed your hair? What! No this red, blonde and brown Fruit Stripe look I have going is totally natural.

12. Favorite food? Spaghetti. Mmm...someone make me spaghetti right now.

13. Favorite Candy? Sour Patch Kids. A lot of Sour Patch Kids have met their maker after crossing paths with me.

14. What was the last movie you watched? I watched this movie called "Chaos Theory" because it had Ryan Reynolds in it obviously. It was...awful. Just awful. It made me hate Scarlett Johansson even more than I already do. She wasn't in it, but she's engaged to Ryan Reynolds, and I mean there's no way I can hate him. So it falls to her. Why is she the worst.

15. Favorite day of the year? New Year's Eve. Oh wait...

16. How do you vent anger? Beat small children

17. What was your favorite toy as a child? Big Wheel. Why don't they make adult size Big Wheels? How awesome would that be?

18. What is your favorite season? TV season

19. Cherries or Blueberries? Do they have some sort of rivalry I don't know about? I mean I would like to eat them both. But is that violating some kind of unwritten law?

21. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? No I would like to always be ignored.

22. & 23. - LAME

24. Living arrangements? Why don't you just rub it in that I live alone and don't have a boyfriend. Dick.

25. When was the last time you cried? Saturday when my sister walked up the aisle.

26. What is on the floor of your closet? The body.

27. LAME

28. What did you do last night? Went to Renee and Darren's house where they made me steak, potatoes, baked beans, broccoli and cake. Seriously. It was amazing. You are jealous.

30. What inspires you? Doing good things for other peo-I'm sorry I can't say that with a straight face. What I meant to say was money.

31. What are you most afraid of? Becoming shark food.

32. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? What the hell is a spicy hamburger? I'm gonna go plain here.

33. Favorite dog breed? I really won't choose a favorite dog breed. They are all amazing and cute and I want them all.

34. Favorite day of the week? Saturday.

35. How many states have you lived in? 1. I really get around a lot.

36. Favorite TV show? How much time do you have? You guys know what my favorites are. One thing I never forget to talk about is TV. Speaking of that, we should talk about what everyone is watching this summer. Anyone have any favorites? I, myself, am an ABC Family fan as you know so I have been watching "The Middleman" and "The Secret Life of the American Teenager". "The Middleman" is really quirky and different. And "The Secret Life..." has Molly Ringwald in it so you know-it's automatically awesome. Plus it's totally about high school kids and sex. What's not great about that. And obviously I'm watching "My Boys" because that show is fantastic. What are you guys watching?

Next week we're all about wedding posts. I promise.

Thank you for being a friend

Well the wedding was awesome, but I still have not recovered nor have I been near a computer for a week. I just hopped on my Crackberry to say that I am so sad about Estelle Getty passing away. You guys know how much I love "Golden Girls" so I am taking this pretty hard. All I want to do is go home and watch it all day long-like I do when I "work" from home.

I will leave you with this line from Sophia which I saw on a clip this morning. She's talking about how she's getting old.

"How many life challenges do I have left? Trying to get across the street before the 'Don't Walk' sign comes on? Trying not to fall sleep on the john? Hoping I'm on the john?"

I love you, Estelle Getty! Rest in peace.

Holy shit!!

My little sister is getting married tomorrow!!

Soundtrack of my life...today at least

So a couple weeks ago Steph sent us this survey that was passed onto her. You're supposed to create the soundtrack for your life, and fill in songs for each category. Well I decided to try this tonight, and it took me forever. It was so hard. I imagine if I did this again in 6 months, all the songs would change because that's just how I roll.

Opening credits: Let's Go – The Cars

Waking up: Manic Monday – The Bangles

Average day: Holiday From Real – Jack's Mannequin

First date: Mad About You – Belinda Carlisle

Falling in Love: On a Night Like This – Dave Barnes
Ed. note: Okay seriously, you guys, if you don't know this song, go listen to it right now. I'm not sure that there exists a more beautiful and romantic song out there. Be careful making eye contact with strangers who are sitting near you when you listen to this because you might actually fall in love with them, and what if it turns out to be Otis who lives in Pee Alley? You don't want that-believe me. By the way my second choice for this category was "Before You" by Chantal Kreviazuk. Be a cuter song.

Love Scene: Stolen – Dashboard Confessional
Ed. note: Just whatever. This song is amazing. If you don't think so, you are wrong. Second choice for this one was "Fall From Grace" by Amanda Marshall.

Fight Scene: Beat It – Michael Jackson
Ed. note: I like my fight scenes to be heavily choreographed with dance moves (eg., dance knife fight).

Breaking up: Love's Light – Vertical Horizon
Ed. note: How sad is it that within like 5 minutes I had roughly 20 songs for this category. I picked this one because it makes me want to kill myself. No, no-seriously I picked it because if it's supposed to be a soundtrack of my life, this one hits home the most. Other top contenders: "20,000 Seconds" by K's Choice and "Forget About It" by Alison Krauss.

Getting Back Together: Lonely Boy – Black Lab

Secret Love: Secret - Heart

Life’s Okay: It's a Great Day to Be Alive – Travis Tritt

Mental Breakdown: The Con – Tegan and Sara

Driving: Holiday Road – Lindsey Buckingham
Ed. note: This one was also super hard because I have a lot of driving songs. I ultimately went with "Holiday Road" because, I mean, it's from "Vacation" and there is nothing better than that. Other favorites: "Life is a Highway" by Rascal Flatts, "Late Night Radio" by Beth Wood, "Midnight Rider" by The Allman Brothers and "Road Trippin'" by Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Learning A Lesson: Why Not Now – Alissa Moreno
Ed. note: My second choice here was "Say" by John Mayer. By the way that may be one of the most beautiful songs ever. I'm ranking it in the top 3 songs released in 2008. The other 2 appear later in this list.

Deep Thought: Courage – Glen Phillips

Flashback: I Wanna Go Back – Eddie Money
Ed. note: Second choice: "Summertime" by New Kids on the Block. Obviously in the top 3 for 2008. Have you seen the video? 1-Joey is ridiculously hot. Like I mean it's almost sickening how hot he is. 2 - Jordan is hot. Even Donnie doesn't look that bad. In fact, I'd say they all look better with age. Does that mean I am old? 3 - Donnie has a hat on crooked. 4 - They vogue on the beach. 5 - They do a dance which ends with the Hangin' Tough arm wave. IfuckinglovetheNewKidsseriously.

Partying: Photograph – Def Leppard
Ed. note: Duh.

Happy Dance: Forever – Chris Brown
Ed. note: #1 best song of 2008. I listen to this song-no exaggeration-about 18 times a day. Chris Brown is amazing. He has a one way ticket to the stratosphere of stardom and is getting there fast. Just watch him dance. It will blow your mind. Plus he is a hot little piece. Mmm-hmm.

Regretting: It's Not True – William Fitzsimmons

Long Night Alone: Alone – Lisa Loeb

Death Scene: Dead Man's Will – Iron & Wine w/ Calexico

Closing Credits: Current of Love – David Hasselhoff
Ed. note: This is totally the end credits to "Baywatch". Yeah I did.

Other people should do this and either put your answers in the comments or let me know you posted it. If you want to borrow the David Hasselhoff song, you can. I won't be mad.

You're the best around...nothin's gonna ever keep ya down!

I know I owe you a ton of stories, but things are totally insane lately with my sister getting married in FOUR DAYS!!! I just want to say that I would've owned this contest.

Just kidding, Dad.

I'm actually jealous

I just saw a dude watering his entire front yard with a watering can. How long do I have to wait until I'm old enough that I have that kind of time?

This is how I show my love for my country

My 4th of July weekend

Thursday
Went to Diane and Drew's house and had a game tournament. Four teams of 2 people and one 3 person team competing to the death...or you know, until it was over. There were 4 different stations, and every team had to play them all. Your scores for each station were combined to bring forth the ultimate champion of games that don't require much physical activity. The 4 stations were: MarioKart on the Wii, Tennis on the Wii, Catchphrase and Karaoke Revolution on the X-box. Sharda was my teammate, and we owned Karaoke Revolution (only team with a perfect score-eat it) and Catchphrase. Sadly, Sharda and I are horrible at all Wii games so we ended up tied for second-to-last place. I just want to say that I really feel Karaoke Revolution should've been weighed heavier than some of the other games. Mostly because it's what we were best at.

We also watched 3 New Kids videos on YouTube, we watched the Today show episode from May when New Kids were on, and we listened to the new New Kids song 1700 million times and did a dance. It is so 1991 and I am 13 and I kiss my Joey poster before I go to bed.

Oh also I drank Boone's Farm Fuzzy Navel all night. Obviously.

Friday
Went to the beach with my ladies. "The beach?" you ask incredulously. "But, Sarah, you live in Cleveland. Doesn't beach = rocks in Cleveland?" I know it seems crazy, you guys, but it's true. Cleveland actually has some beaches. We went to Huntington Beach which I haven't visited since I was approximately 15 years old. When we got there, Renee looked around and said, "Wow-it doesn't even smell like dead bodies here." And she was right. Not only that, I didn't even see any dirty syringes, and when I flashed my headlights 3 times no one tried to have gay sex with me*. Way to clean up, Cleveland! I'm not a beach person, but this wasn't too bad. The sand wasn't hot, and it wasn't that busy. We spent most of our time watching 2 teenage friends flirt with and silently compete for the same guy. We were like sports commentators whispering the play by play and color commentary. Here's an example:

Me: "Ooh-white bikini making an overly aggressive move here as she fake tackles the guy and won't let go. I'm afraid this might backfire in the end as flirty behavior could quickly turn to annoying behavior. What do you think, Diane?"
Diane: "I don't know. I like the aggressiveness of the move. Yellow sundress, while trying to play it more subtle, might just be too subtle-possibly closing herself out of the race all together."
Renee: "Why won't that guy take his shirt off? Just what is he hiding under there?"

Friday night we went to Meg's rooftop and ate 17 kinds of dip and watched fireworks. Aloyd tried to tell us how bad they are for the environment because they release so much CO2 or something, and in protest of his fireworks bashing I said I was going to go drive my SUV around while using aerosol hairspray.

Saturday
This was family day, and my mom cooked out for us. We also started to come up with the seating arrangements for Diane and Drew's wedding. Seating arrangements suck ass. That's all I'll say about that. Then we went to see the new Indiana Jones movie, and I just want to say that I love Indiana Jones with all my being. Also Shia LaBeouf is in every single movie, right? He literally is on screen somewhere in the world every second of every single day. I happen to think he's kind of adorable in a "you used to be on Even Stevens and I love the Disney Channel and now you're a cutie dork" kind of way, but seriously he is in my face a lot.

Sunday
I sealed my deck and moved furniture. This was about as fun as it sounds. But it needed to be done and thanks to my parents I now have an awesome recliner which I never ever want to stop sitting in. The recliner is definitely near the top of the list of greatest inventions along with swim up pool bar and pay at the pump.

I don't know if you guys noticed this, but I was not drunk once this weekend. Not once. Who am I!? Don't worry, you guys. The weekend before this I went to the Cleveland Wine Festival and got so drunk that I puked all over myself in the middle of a bar and then fell down the stairs on my way to the bathroom to clean up. Ahh-that's better, right? I'm still me and still a class act.

*First of all, how come I can't say "flashed my headlights" without feeling the need to explain that that doesn't mean that I showed people my boobs. Second of all, there is totally a beach in Cleveland where as a gay man you can go at night and flash your lights and have gay sex. How awesome is that.

Jackass extraordinaire

From: Becky
To: Okay Seriously
CC: Marc [ed. note: someone I don't know at all]

















- Beck


From: Okay Seriously
To: Becky
cc: Marc

It's possible I dated the goth dude on the left when I was in 7th grade. He wore less makeup, but he had the same raw sexual magnetism.

- OS


From: Becky
To: Okay Seriously

lol.

Marc is my boss.

Best Wednesday Ever

So I'm still sorting through PIB pictures looking for ones that I can actually post here. In the meantime, let me tell you about my really tough day yesterday.

9am - Got to work

10am - John writes me and says, "We should go golfing."

10:30am - I tell my boss I'm taking the afternoon off.

11:30am - John has convinced his wife, Leah, and Danielle to not work and to go golfing with us.

2:45pm - I arrive at the golf course and tell the people I'm on a work call with that "I need to drop off now".

3pm - We are waiting to tee off.

3:01pm - We crack open some alcoholic beverages.

3:05pm - John tells us we need to take some practice shots.

3:06pm - John takes practice shots while we watch him and drink beer.

3:15pm - 5:30pm - I laugh continuously for 2 hours as we have a freaking blast playing golf and watching Danielle get drunk. We eat Sun Chips because Leah is a mom and is awesome and brought us snacks. I drink some sort of Pomegranate Martini drink that Danielle brought me in a water bottle. It is glorious. Danielle is glorious.

4:45pmish - Danielle and John pee in the woods.

5pmish - John tries to hit his tee shot like Happy Gilmore. Misses 3 times.

5:45pm - On the last hole, Leah completely forgoes golf clubs and just throws her ball down the fairway. She even hand rolls her putt.

6pm - John realizes he locked his keys in his trunk so he can't drive home.

6:10pm - We head out near John and Leah's house, get their kids and go to dinner.

7pm - Leah asks her and John's 5 year old son Josh if he wants ice cream and he says, "No. It's too brain freezy."

8pm - Leah and John's 7 year old daughter Kristin asks me to play musical chairs with her and Josh. I pwn Kristin in the first round. Josh pwns me in the second. I mention in passing that it probably means I'll be a bad mother that I eliminated Kristin without a second thought. No one argues. But John does say that I should've said, "Yeah! In your FACE! You suck and I rule!!!"

8:15pm - John says, "Okay, guys. To the van!" and Danielle and I tell Kristin and Josh we should all become a group of heroes who fights crime. Josh says, "You mean like fight real bad guys? Real ones?"

8:25pm - Josh says, "Hey-I don't think we should fight real bad guys. Just like fake dummy ones made out of wood." We agree.

8:40pm - Danielle and I decide from the back of the van that we would like Leah and John to drive us everywhere all the time.

9pm - I drive John back to his car with his spare key. We sing "Holiday Road", "Walking in Memphis", "To Be With You", "Cool It Now", "Ditty", and "Don't Shed a Tear For Me". We both decide we need to learn the words to "Ditty" so we can rap appropriately at Diane's wedding.

9:30pm - I'm back home laying on my couch full and happy, and I get a text from John saying nice things.

I loved yesterday.

P.S. I got my best score ever, too. 58. That I realize is not that good. But for me it is-especially since it was a legitimate 58. I counted every single stroke. I didn't have to enforce the 10 stroke rule (if I get to 10 strokes, I pick up my ball) plus I didn't even lose any golf balls. That never happens. You are not the boss of me, golf course!