Wednesday, January 30, 2008

UPDATE: Blackout 2008

The power came back on immediately after I finished getting ready by candlelight in 60 degree air and right as I was staring at my garage door trying to remember what my dad told me about how to open it during a power outage.

I love you, electricity.

Liveblogging at you from a power outage

1:41 - Awake suddenly on couch. Sit straight up very aware that something is wrong, but not quite sure what. Then realize I am in sea of darkness. Power outage. Panicking! Panicking!

1:44 - Finally able to justify money spent on so many candles over the years. Looks romantic in here-if I had a boyfriend, that is. Without one it looks like the setting of Friday the 13th. OHMYGODIMGONNADIE.

1:46 - Call electric company. Morgan Freeman answers. Ahahaha. That joke only works if you used to watch "The Electric Company". Maybe not even then. Estimated time of power restoration: 3:48AM.

1:48 - Start to gather anything and everything that doesn't require electricity to keep me busy because I am way too freaked out to sleep. Also absolutely cannot sleep when it's this quiet. Supplies gathered:

- iPod
- Blackberry
- Laptop
- Kakuro book
- Weaving loom
- Canning supplies
- Paper and quill pen
- Long dress, apron and bonnet

1:56 - Tip for the future: toilet still works during blackout.

2:03 - Oh my God why didn't I charge my gdamn iPod!?

2:07 - This liveblogging thing is a good way to use up time. But why didn't I charge my gdamn Blackberry!?

2:13 - Thank you John for sending me Minesweeper to put on my laptop 3 years ago. Note: I am awesome at Minesweeper.

2:20 - Holy crap it's quiet in here. Stupid iPod battery.

2:23 - Hey at least it's not 300 mph winds outside so there aren't any creepy noises. Oh wait...

2:31 - Eureka! Portable cd player found-AA batteries on hand. Let us all rejoice.

2:37 - Jack better take his shirt off on Lost Thursday.

2:51 - Literally using all my energy to will my TV on. Please come back to me, baby. You don't really need electricity, do you?

3:00 - More people should be listening to Jump Little Children.

3:03 - This is kind of like Survivor only without having to sleep and pee outside in a jungle. And without the other contestants. And excitement. And annoying host who I think maybe thinks he is more famous than he really is.

3:10 - I'm making myself laugh by mumbling "I'm stuck in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre!". God I miss Friends. It's probably on somewhere in a land with electricity and television.

3:14 - So Josh Duhamel is really gonna marry Fergie, huh? What is it-the peeing herself? Because I will gladly pee my pants in public if it means Josh Duhamel will marry me.

3:17 - Going to attempt to sleep. Will save this as a draft because I am not abandoning this train ride till we're at our destination, baby. Reminder: destination = electricity.

3:33 - Yeah right. Time for Kakuro-my new crack.

3:48 - Well it's 3:48 and no sign of power returning any time soon. I miss my TV.

7:30 - Apparently I finally fell asleep. Check out all this electricity. And by electricity I mean complete darkness because I STILL have no power. Getting ready should be fun. If you see me on the street just ignore the fact that my makeup makes me look like Pennywise (I won't put the pic up here again)and that my hair is frozen in a Medusa-like mess because it's 3 degrees, and I can't blow dry my hair because it's the GODDAMN 1800'S IN HERE!!

Okay I need to calm down. WWLIWD? (What would Laura Ingalls Wilder do?)

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Yahoo! current top news story headlines + Okay Seriously trying to be funny = no more It clown on top of blog

Grammys get interim deal with writers, hope for cheesy jokes and uncomfortable laughs while award nominees are introduced reignited.

An economy grows around Britney Spears. So does a fungus.

Senate Democrats adding to stimulus-Wiis for everyone!

Asteroid will swing by, but won't stop; it's just "too busy". In related news, the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon.

Researchers seek animal test alternative, decide to test on babies.

Lead linked to aging in older brains so seriously stop eating lead.

Brady gets taped up for Patriots workout. In related news Okay Seriously gets arrested for secretly videotaping Brady getting taped up.

Morrison endorses Obama for president; Okay Seriously immediately assumes this means Van Morrison; "Into the Mystic" still a kick ass song.

No chitchat between Clinton and Obama, just hardcore lovemaking.

At 50, Lego still going strong despite high-tech toy world; At mid-30's, Okay Seriously's male work friends still playing with Legos despite imminent onset of middle age.

Disabled spy satellite threatens Earth, Earth gets restraining order.

Spears has 'mental issues,' friend says. In related news, Spears' friend immediately kicked out of Mensa.

Vegas-style slots arrive in Fla, Okay Seriously already on a plane to Fla.

Making math pay: it killed our father, it should prepare to die.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Things we should talk about

1. I don't know if you guys saw this particular news story, but some nursing magazine did a study and came to the conclusion that kids are freaked out by clowns. Here is a direct quote from one of the researchers:

"We found that clowns are universally disliked by children. Some found them quite frightening and unknowable."

Well I, for one, am shocked-shocked!-by this news.

Okay I tried to make this as small as I could with limited resources because Jesus H. Christ it's been 18 years since this movie came out and I am a 31 year old grown woman, yet this picture still makes me want to hide under my covers and scream for my mommy and daddy. They all float down here. Goddammit, Tim Curry.

By the way, the clowns are pissed.

2. Like I mentioned this morning in my Florida trip post, we were able to spend some quality time by the pool catching rays:

Jealous??? Oh by the way, I didn't receive permission from my sister to put her picture on the Internet in advance of posting this so I have employed a highly sophisticated cloaking device to this photograph.

One thing I forgot to mention re: DisneyWorld: My mom wore a fanny pack. Check. This. Out:

As John said when I immediately sent him this picture from the park, "That's a little more than a fanny pack. That's like a strap-on duffle bag."

3. HOLY EFFING SHIT HEATH LEDGER IS DEAD! You have got to be effing kidding me! First Brad Renfro-only 25 with a young son. Now Heath-only 28 with a young daughter? Boy Hollywood really just chews people up and spits them out, huh? All I can think about is that little baby girl who will never know her father. And of course Jen Lindley. In all seriousness I ache thinking about the burden she must be feeling right now. I'm sure she still cared for him very much, and now she'll have to try to make her daughter understand that her father was more than just the crap she'll inevitably read about in the news. Yuck. This is really sad. And you know he's just going to kick so much ass as The Joker in the new Batman movie, and it's going to make everyone super sad all over again. Dammit.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Florida: The Trip

Once we got to Florida, it was time for some fun in the sun. And by fun in the sun I mean fun in the record low temperatures. It was the coldest it's been there in 20 years. 20 years, you guys. It was 80 the day before we got there and 80 the day after we left. Somehow I still managed to end up with a good tan-wait I mean windburn. Good windburn. My bad. Despite the horrible weather we were absolutely determined to lay out by the pool and drink daiquiris. I really want to post a picture on here right now, but since I'm doing it from my Blackberry I have no idea how. Just imagine people laying out by the pool in jeans and sweatshirts and covered up in towels while drinking frozen drinks. That's what we looked liked.

We really did have a great time in Florida despite the weather. We shopped, ate, drank, played games, relaxed, laughed our asses off-all the awesome things you do on vacation. One of the days we went to DisneyWorld's Magic Kingdom which I haven't been to in 13 years. It was fucking-a freezing. Yeah I dropped the f-bomb. That's how cold it was. We all ended up buying gloves and extra clothes there during the day because it was so effing cold. But we powered through, and we rode rides, watched shows, got mad at other people. What is it with other people at amusement parks? They are always in my way and bothering me and making me have violent thoughts towards them. It would be so much easier if they just let me go by them in line at all times. I almost bought a tshirt at the Pirates of the Carribbean ride that said "My Boyfriend is a Pirate" with a picture of Jack Sparrow on it. Then I remembered that I was 31 and would like to have sex again sometime in this lifetime (sorry, Dad). In line for Big Thunder Mountain Railroad we met a little kid in front of us who was playing a portable video game. He was telling us all about it and became completely obsessed with my mom. He was adorable, and he kept telling my mom not to be scared and when we got to the platform to board the rollercoaster he screamed out to everyone to take off their hats and sunglasses or else they would lose them. Unfortunately, he had an older sister who was the female equivalent of the kid from the line to see Santa Claus in "A Christmas Story". You know the kid: "I like the Wizard of Oz. I like the scarecrow." That freak. She was him. "It's cold out today. I like Sims." Creepy stare. My poor mother has no idea what Sims is and just nodded and smiled.

We had to wait a LONG time to ride Space Mountain so Drew came up with this game. It's called the Name Game, and at first I thought we were going to say someone's name and then sing "Drew Drew Bo Boo Banana Fana Fo Foo Me My Mo Moo. Drew!" And I was angry. But it wasn't that game. It was this other game where the first player says the name of a famous person. The next player has to say the name of a famous person whose first name starts with the first letter of the last name of the previously mentioned famous person. And it goes around like that unless a player says a name that has a double initial, for example, Vince Vaughn. When that happens, play is reversed and the player who just went goes next. I know it sounds confusing, but it's not. When Drew brought up the idea I was like, "Dammit Drew this is so lame." Then we played it the entire time we were in line, and it was the most amazing thing ever. It was so fun, and we barely even noticed how long the wait was. Not only that, we tried to keep playing while on the rollercoaster. We decided before we got on that whoever stopped the game because they were too distracted by the ride, lost. That would've been me. Drew thought he had me as we were getting on the ride by throwing me a celebrity with the last name starting with Z. But I came back with Zach Braff almost immediately and was pretty sure there was no way I was going to lose. Somehow my family and Drew totally kicked ass and as we were going over the first hill, it was my turn. And I blanked. Dammit. It was a sad day for all Sarah Name Game fans. After Space Mountain, we came outside and watched fireworks. Then we went down to the main street to watch the parade. And I swear to God I was like a 5 year old again. All of us were. Drew was yelling out characters' names, my dad was taking pictures of everything, my sister, mom and I were oohing and ahhing up a storm. Obviously I didn't like when the characters got too close because they are dangerous murdering mascots, but still-it was magical.

DisneyWorld is 3 hours from where we were staying so we had planned to stay at a hotel room that night to catch some sleep instead of driving home till 3am. We got to the hotel, walked up the room and I noticed the table was moving. Then I realized it wasn't the table moving, it was what was on the table. Ants. Tons and tons of ants. After almost throwing up, we got our money back and hightailed it out of there taking turns driving until we were safely back at our place. OMG I feel like I need another shower just thinking about the ants.

On the day we left, it started to warm up a bit so we decided to do the lazy river. The lazy river is basically a pool that is laid out kind of like a river and has a gentle current. You sit on innertubes and let it take you around. It was the greatest thing ever, and I almost peed my pants laughing like 17 times because D and I were trying to avoid the waterfalls, and Drew was not going to let that happen so hijinx ensued. The pool was heated and glorious, and then we got out. And we froze to death. Eventually it was time to say goodbye to Florida so we got on a plane where we sat in front of a screaming baby and behind a guy who got up every 15 seconds. It was my dad. Seriously, Dad, you can take more than one thing out of your bag at a time. We figured once we got to freezing Cleveland, we'd appreciate the Florida weather more-despite how cold it was there. Then it was warmer here than it was down there due to a Cleveland heat wave. So I laid out in my front yard and drank a daiquiri. Okay that's not true. I don't have any daiquiri mix at home.

Vacation is awesome.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Trip to Florida: The Flight There

So we left New Year's Day for Florida. We took the very well known airline, USA3000 (or USA3K as we called it). We walked up to the counter to check in and were instantly transported back to a time before computers were invented. Their system for checking people in? A giant list with everyone's name on it. When you checked in, they literally just placed a check mark next to your name. Then they would go over to what was essentially a shoe box that held all the boarding passes which, by the way, had been filled in already-most likely with a typewriter. Even with this highly sophisticated system, they shockingly couldn't find mine or Diane's boarding pass. So the kid who was clearly confused and terrified and maybe a little sickly went and got blank boarding passes and filled them out with a pen. Then came the seat assignments. This part was trickier. The way it worked was they had a bunch of stickers with seat numbers on them. Then they would peel of a sticker and stick it to your boarding pass. Intense stuff, you guys. They weighed our luggage, tied a tag onto it and then made us carry them over to some lady who seemed very disgruntled. She pointed at a place for us to stick our luggage, and as we walked away I said, "We're never seeing our stuff again."

Things improved on the flight where the median age of the passengers, including us, was about 85. Listen-I love old people. I mean couldn't love my grandparents more if they were made completely of chocolate and Salt & Vinegar Pringles. I firmly believe in the saying "Respect Your Elders". But traveling with them makes me want to kill someone: me. We boarded about 45 minutes late then we had to sit on the plane for an hour while they de-iced us. In the middle of de-icing us, the truck ran out of de-icer so we had to wait for another truck to come. Oh did I mention there was a blizzard going on? Well there was. It was effing blizzarding out, I'm already a nervous flyer, my hangover was kicking in and maybe you've noticed but the elderly don't do a great job holding in their, um, flatulence. They're farters, guys. They fart a lot, and I think at their age they either a) don't know they're farting or b) don't give a rat's ass because they're 85 and can do whatever they want (which I'll be honest is a pretty sweet attitude-one that I wholeheartedly support). Unfortunately, we were not 85 and were very aware of our surroundings, and it. was. horrible.

We watched one guy go to 4 different seats thinking each one was his because he seriously had no idea what he was doing. Then he put his bag up in the overhead bin. Five seconds later he put his coat in a different overhead bin. Ten seconds later he put his hat in yet a different overhead bin. Thirty seconds later, as we were trying to leave, he went to the bathroom. Meanwhile I ended up with some ahole kid sitting behind me kicking my seat. I turned to Diane and said, "Okay that's gonna have to stop." She turned around to look at the kid and said, "Yeah that's an 80 year old man." Finally we were taxiing out to the runway, and the old lady behind us said, "Oh are we here?" because she had been sleeping and apparently her cataracts were blocking her view of the fucking blizzard from hell happening outside, and her husband, the kicker, said, "What? We haven't even left yet." Drew, D and I just looked at each other like, 'Holy shit this is going to be a long flight.'

It actually turned out to be an uneventful flight which really is the best kind. Then we landed, and the flight crew decided to let the oldest woman left on the entire planet off the plane first. It took her 10 minutes just to get up out of her seat. Then this conversation happened:

Old Lady: So I can get off the plane now?
Flight Attendant: Yep!
OL: I should get off?
FA: Yes, ma'am! You can deboard.
OL: Should I get off the plane?
FA: Yes. You can go.
Old Lady Behind Me Who Despite Being Really Old Was Still A Generation Younger Than OL: OH MY GOD GET OFF THE PLANE!!

Then someone farted.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Some apologies

I'm sorry I haven't watched Grey's yet. I will be watching it tonight so you can expect some major Bailey-praising, hot men worshipping and Izzie-bitching tomorrow.

I'm sorry to my boss that I haven't been to work before 9 in a week and a half. I have no excuse except that I am a lazy piece.

I'm sorry to my book club ladies that in an act reminiscent of something I would do in high school and college, Diane and I didn't read the book "The Kiterunner" but rather went to see the movie. Hey-at least it wasn't CliffsNotes.

I'm sorry I don't know this guy.

And I'm sorry I can't come up with anything witty to say about this story except holy effing eff.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

This definitely made flying on an airplane the next day more enjoyable

I bet you all thought my New Year's Eve would be filled with drunken shenanigans. Boy were you right. We started at Matt's house where I essentially made out with the dip his mom sent to him. Cream cheese and caramel, you guys. That's all I'm saying. Then we walked down to a bar where we paid a set amount of money and got free food and unlimited drinks. And eye candy in the form of a totally cute bar back who I'm pretty sure I'm going to marry. I mean, he might not be aware of our nuptials, but that's okay because I'm almost positive Steph got ordained over the Internet so she could marry us as long as I am standing kind of near him. Steph, please confirm.

Hey you know what's a good idea for someone who drinks too much and is depressed on New Year's? Unlimited drinks. Let me just say that I am holding the bar responsible for the shape I was in because they gave me unlimited drinks. For three hours. Also the wine and champagne I drank before the bar was given to me for Christmas by Anita and my sister. So really if you think about it, my behavior was not really my fault.

It wasn't long before we were sending pictures of our cleavage to Aloyd and making him guess which cleavage belong to which person. [ed. note: He got 100%.] [ed. note: That's creepy, Aloyd.]

At 11pm I could be found running around the bar yelling about how there was only one hour left in the unlimited drinks portion of the night and how we all needed to "make it count". After that came doublefisting and shots. Things I vowed to stop doing 8 years ago.

At midnight I kissed all my friends, and Lindsay grabbed some random dude and kissed him. As he walked away he said, "That...was awesome." I'm pretty sure I met NFL player Tony Gonzalez's brother and went on and on about how I had his jersey and sometimes slept in it. When his brother asked me which team's jersey I had, I said, "I think it's red." Then I ran away because I was afraid he would ask me for more detailed information about Tony Gonzalez, and the truth is that jersey used to be B's, and I stole it because it's comfortable, and I have absolutely no idea who Tony Gonzalez is or what he even looks like. I just know he plays football.

A little while later some pathetic ahole was laying on the floor of the handicap stall in the ladies room throwing up. It was me. Yes-less than an hour into 2008 I was upchucking cranberry and vodkas in the bar bathroom. Classy. And probably a good sign of things to come, too*. The situation became even more classy when I couldn't reach the door handle to let my friends in so Squirt just crawled underneath the stall door. Lindsay came in and flushed the toilet every 7 seconds, and Sharda called my sister to come pick us up. Diane and I are related so obviously she was in no shape to drive. Then somehow miraculously someone got a cab. I got in and said, "Man I really need a pop." Suddenly the cab driver was handing me an unopened can of pop. I never caught his name, but I'm pretty sure it rhymed with Beezus of Bazareth.

I wish I had more to tell you, but for reasons that are a mystery to me, I can't remember everything. I wonder why that is.

Oh-and FYI for you. Reason why my sister rules: when we got to her house after the bar, she was already cooking pizza for us. Clutch move, D-Chronic. C.l.u.t.c.h.

Reading this post, I can only imagine how proud my parents must be of their little girl. Sending boob pictures, throwing up in public, taking pop from strangers. Hmm...there has to be a way I can blame this on Britney Spears, right? Let me work on that.

How was everyone else's New Year's ? Hopefully puke-free.

*Surely there's a way we can twist this so that it becomes a positive metaphor. Ridding the body of the bad stuff = ridding my life of the bad stuff = clean slate for '08? I like it! I'm going to run with that.

P.S. I also sent a pic of my cleavage to Woody, and now when I call him that is the picture that comes up on his phone.

P.P.S. And you guys think I'm a bad cook.

P.P.P.S. I haven't watched tonight's Grey's yet, but from what I saw in the previews I'm not gonna like what happens.

P.P.P.P.S. Lost starts in 3 weeks. Go look at the cover for this week's Entertainment Weekly. Um...yes please. I saw that from across the airport and ran into the store and bought it. Let me ask you-am I too old to hang pictures on my ceiling? I mean it's not like I'm using the mirrors that are up there. Hey-oh!

My life is sad.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Sad day

So I really am going to post about New Year's and Florida and this blog's 3 year anniversary (3 years!), but today is Matt's 5 year anniversary, and at this moment that is pretty much all I can think about.

I miss you, Matty, and I think about you all the time. I wish we could've spent our 30th birthdays together and I wish I could've seen you at Thanksgiving and I wish so many other things that to write them all down would take, well, 5 years. Thinking about the number of laughs I've missed you laugh makes me hurt, but thinking about you somewhere watching me burn myself with my hair straightener makes me giggle because I know you're shaking your head and smiling and missing me, too. Love you always.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

I am not smart

I have been trying to post for two hours now so I'm starting off small and will post my New Year's story later today if this works. In the meantime:

The most recent places I have burned myself with my hair straightener:

1. Left ear
2. Right ear
3. Left temple
4. Top of left hand
5. Left shoulder

I actually did this, and I still don't know how those last two are possible. My shoulder looks really bad, too. Is there no end to the dumb shit I will do? Apparently not because also last night at the grocery when I was putting something onto the bottom of my cart, I smashed my chin into it. And it hurts.

Being me is hazardous to my health.