I'm outta luck, outta love

My friend Sudha and I have always clashed about music. And then one day in college, we discovered our mutual love for 80's hair bands. I think that's really when our friendship deepened. A few years ago he went to a Def Leppard concert and got really drunk and bought me a Def Leppard t-shirt. The next day when he was telling me about it he said, "I really have no idea why I bought that. It's not like you're ever going to wear it in public." Well au contraire, my friend, because I did just that on Tuesday night.

The concert was amazing for several reasons:

1. It was Def Leppard and Journey.
2. I was wearing a Def Leppard t-shirt.
3. Diane was wearing a bandana and french-rolled jeans.
4. John was wearing his high school Seniors shirt circa 1990.
5. The crowd itself was worth the price of admission.
6. Drew kicked over a chair while playing air guitar.
7. Oh did I mention it was Def Leppard and Journey!!

Journey went on first with their new lead singer who we referred to as Not Steve Perry. I was sure they were going to suck without Steve Perry, however, I was wrong. Not Steve Perry sounded like Steve Perry. As did the drummer. I was kind of left wondering why they even hired Steve Perry in the first place since everyone else in the band sounds exactly like him. Then I remembered Steve Perry's mullet, "Oh Sherrie" and the fact that he rules everything, and I was like-oh yeah. That's why.

Journey sounded really good. I was impressed. I felt that they dipped into their new stuff a little too often, but "Don't Stop Believin'" made it all worthwhile. Even that horrible song "Chain Reaction" that they played that made me want to kill myself. It all melted away when that song started. I half expected Steve Perry to walk out in the middle of the show to surprise us, but alas it didn't happen. Even though the singer sounded a lot like Perry, I missed the man himself. Not Steve Perry kind of reminded me of someone who probably sang a lot of Steve Perry's songs at karaoke bars before joining the band.

After a brief intermission, Def Leppard came on. I pretty much wet myself. The first half of their set was definitely not as good as the second half. During the first half they played 2 songs off their new album (but only 2 thank God), and they played a lot of really old stuff. Then the familiar intro of "Hysteria" started, and it was like they said, "Yeah okay let's get this started." After that they made an attempt on my life by playing a medley of "Photograph", "Armageddon It" and "Animal". Um hello-all in one song? Everytime they went into a new song, I would scream, "It's too much! I can't take it!" It's a miracle I survived that much adrenaline pumping through my body at one time.

One-armed drummer was in full effect. At one point, Joe introduced him (Joe=lead singer), and we all did the one-armed salute (right arm in air making fist, left arm at side). I don't really know if that's an official one-armed salute, but that's what he was doing so I decided to call it that. Diane was holding up two arms, and we were like, "That's just mean. Why don't you just throw it in his face that you have two arms."

After DL's encore of "Love Bites" and "Pour Some Sugar on Me" we made our way back to the car, changed by what we had just seen.

To sum up Tuesday night: Steve Perry is the man, "Oh Sherrie" is awesome, and I will make out with Def Leppard right now I swear to baby Jesus.

Another weekend, another attempt on my liver's life

I'm not really sure what to say about the 5 year anniversary of 9/11. I'm afraid if I try to say too much it'll come off insincere and cheesy so I'll just say that I made myself watch some 9/11 coverage because I know it's important that it stays fresh in my mind. It's a different world we live in now even though I allow myself to forget it from day to day. But not today. Today I have to remember. It still stings like it happened yesterday, those who were lost are still missed, and the people who ran into the buildings when everyone else ran out should get a special place in heaven. That's all I'm really going to say about it.

As important as remembering is the concept of "business as usual", and I have been doing plenty of that as well. Friday my sister and Drew had their first party in their new house. And it was awesome. Diane made me an Absolut and pink lemonade, and I was born anew in its glory. How have I not had this drink before. Obviously after one I needed another only when it was time to make it Diane was otherwise engaged so I was left to my own devices. I think you can imagine what happened. After I drank my version of the same cocktail, I was completely smashed and found myself drunk babbling to my mom about housewares and appetizers and the like. Apparently the recipe is not 10 parts vodka to 1 part lemonade. Just FYI.

After more of those (oh yes I kept making them-for me and for others-yikes), I opened a bottle of wine. Very much needed. Pictures of me wearing a scarf on my head and singing karaoke soon followed. All I know is even when drunk I will kick everyone's ass at Karaoke Revolution. My sore loser friends even told me it wasn't fun to play with me. To them I have one thing to say: perfect score, bitches.

Saturday morning we had to get up and play football-our first game of the season. We won. Diane was the lead scorer. I could make a joke about her being a boy here, but I'm out of them. I think we used all of them at the game. Saturday night was Anita's 30th birthday party. Wine was drunk. Mostly by me. Also I accidentally drank curdled Bailey's. I gave Anita a bottle of Bailey's, and since she's awesome she opened it at the bar and poured me a glass. I needed ice so I grabbed some from an empty glass that was once filled with Diet Coke and lime. Hi. Lime + Bailey's = Cement Mixer. Awful. Then some dumbass left their credit card at the bar. It was me. Reason #1 why I don't open tabs. Reason #2 = please see tab total.

After another night of hard partying, we had to get up and go tailgating for the Browns season opener. I will just say that waking up Sunday morning might have been my greatest accomplishment of all time. I'm really not sure how I did it. Another great accomplishment? I brought blueberry muffins to the game. Blueberry muffins that I made. Um...I don't make muffins. But I made them. And they were delicious. I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I might be the greatest muffin maker ever. I mean like among those who use the mix right out of the box.

I got buzzed at tailgating, but then my body simply refused to take in any more alcohol. It just stopped. I'm glad it finally stood up for itself rather than just taking the abuse. I don't want to talk about the actual game itself. It hurts too much. All I'll say is our offensive line is pretty good for a bunch of vaginas who can't block anything.

Sunday night I took a shower, got some Applebee's carside to go (oriental chicken rollup, no almonds obviously) and curled up on my couch. I was asleep by about 9:30. It was glorious.

Tomorrow night? Def Leppard and Journey. Seriously.

Randoms

New favorite commercial: 2 guys leave a bar and go into a pizza place and order for delivery. The pizza guy's like, "Delivery?" And they say, "Yes. Delivery." The next scene they're in the car with the delivery guy. Then they walk into the house and shut the door on the pizza guy who, thoroughly confused, knocks on the door, and the one guy opens up the door and says, "Awesome-the pizza guy's here!" And then you find out it's for Captain Morgan rum talking about not drinking and driving. So awesome.

For some reason I watched Jay Leno last night. I really have no idea why. Maybe I was punishing myself for something. Jessica Simpson was on, and I just have one thing to say: she is a complete and utter moron but her boobs are fantastic. I mean seriously they are crazy ridiculous. Afterwards I watched Conan, and Keifer Sutherland was on. Could he be any more awesome? Plus he told Conan, "I didn't get a chance to see you after the Emmy's, but I thought you did an absolutely fantastic job." and was really praising my boyfriend-I mean Conan-which means he has a good sense of humor. Also he was talking about this documentary of him managing a band and touring with them and was making fun of himself for always being drunk on video. So the answer's no, in case you are wondering, Keifer could not be more awesome. Even if he was made entirely of Salt & Vinegar Pringles, he wouldn't be more awesome than he is right now. And that's really saying something.

What does a girl have to do to download JoJo's new song (Too Little, Too Late)? Release it already, iTunes! You have the video just give me the song!! It's so damn catchy. Just give it to me. I need it.

We saw "Little Miss Sunshine" on Tuesday, and it was awesome. I loved it so much. You know how there are some scenes in some movies that just stay with you because they are so sweet and endearing? This film had several of those scenes for me. Loved it. Also I will just state for the record that I have a completely inappropriate crush on Steve Carrell. Especially with a beard. Mmmm...

Another movie I watched recently was "Shopgirl". I felt about this movie the way I felt about the book which was: Meh. It really didn't thrill me in either format. But if I had to choose I would pick the book over the movie if for no other reason than in the book I don't have to see Steve Martin having sex. Honestly, Hollywood!! I know he wrote the book, but for the love of God I saw a lot of things that really should've caused permanent blindness. Don't get me wrong-I love Steve Martin. But only when he's playing, like, a harried dad losing control of his family and surroundings in a humorous manner. Not when he says stuff like, "Basically I just want to have sex with her while I'm in town."

Scariest quote spoken to me yesterday by a coworker who I don't work with that often and doesn't know me that well: "Hey-I think I saw you at the Krusty party a few weeks ago." Um...yikes. I wanted to ask him what I was doing at the moment he saw me, but I was too terrified of the answer. Instead I just laughed and said, "I hope you didn't see me dancing [insert fake/nervous laughter]. We really loved that band. That party was fun." And I left it at that. Here's hoping he never feels the need to elaborate on the details surrounding the sighting.

Pictures of me drawn by my friends at my 4th birthday party

Jenny truly captured my hairstyle at that time. I called it The Sunray. As you can see I was wearing lipstick even back then.















I'm not sure who drew this one, but they got one thing right: I have no body. My head flows right into my fork legs.











Brian thinks I look like Marcie from the Charlie Brown comic strip.
















And Mark thinks I look like a dog as tall as the sun. Though I especially like the attention to detail on my kneecaps.
















Obviously Heather was the oldest kid at my house that day. This is actually the picture I requested be used on my driver's license.















This is by a different Heather. She was going through her "green phase" by the looks of things. It's kind of unfair, though, that she depicted my one giant oversized eye. I had hoped we could get through one birthday without calling attention to it.











Similarly Megan felt she needed to include my mustache in her drawing. I'm not sure it was entirely necessary, but I suppose it was her drawing and not mine. At least it's better than...













...Tricia's who decided to just forgo drawing me in my human form and instead drew the green ooze that flows through my veins. Not cool, Tricia. Not cool.

Crikey

More things I need to worry about:

1. Stingray heart piercings

Of course Steve Irwin was killed by a stingray. Pretty much nobody in the history of time has ever been stabbed in the heart by a stingray so of course he was. I mean honestly what other way would he go? Cancer? Hell no. Steve Irwin would've laughed at cancer. Steve Irwin would've jumped on cancer's back and wrestled it to the ground then stuck his head inside its massive razor-sharp-teeth-lined mouth and stomped on its balls until it just gave up and whimpered away into remission. It had to be by a freak animal attack. It simply had to be.

Honestly I'm really saddened by this news. I thought he was terrific. His energy was absolutely infectious, and he was truly a joy to watch. Really he was just a lovable, insane, nerdy badass.

RIP Crocodile Hunter.

P.S. Seriously though-this picture? Not normal.

Letters for September 1st

Dear Chevy HHR,
What are you? You look really weird.

Dear everyone on the road this morning,
What's up with all the GD traffic? It's the day before a holiday weekend, and traffic was worse today than any other day this week. I mean shouldn't you guys be on PTO? Come on-you deserve a day off. And I deserve to not feel homicidal while driving.

Dear Sherbs,
Thank you so much for having me over for dinner. I mean I loved the free homemade dinner, but not as much as I loved the company. And by that I mean your dog, Charlie. Just kidding. You guys are awesome!

Dear guy who called me for a reference for a former co-worker of mine,
I can't say I'm called as a reference very often, but I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to tell me that what you're looking for is someone to "keep you in line" and "wipe your butt". Someone who will "essentially be your bitch but who wants to be treated like a queen". Especially after you've already hired her. That was the single most bizarre phone conversation I've ever had. And you should meet my friends. I mean that's really saying something. I'm a little bit worried for my friend, but also I feel like she will have some awesome stories for me. You scare me.

Dear lady who snaps in meetings,
Because of you I came to the realization that I hate snappers. Don't snap when you're angry. Don't snap when you're making a point. Just quit snapping. It's really starting to piss me off. Like a small seed of rage has been planted and with each snap of your fingers it grows and grows and one day it will become so uncontrollable that I will turn into Lou Ferrigno and beat your ass. Seriously. Unless you're a Jet and you're telling me to play it cool boy, I don't want to see any snapping.

PIB 2006

So this weekend was Put in Bay, and as usual it was insane. Friday night Steph won the "first to hook up" award by making out with a random drunk guy for like 2-3 hours while we were all sitting next to her. She even beat out our resident man-whore, Tony. However, Tony bounced back later on when he won the "first to show us his junk" category. Honestly he owns that category and always will.

Gordo also made out with someone that night: your mom. Apparently he met a, um, somewhat more mature lady and spent some time with her. She was only like 20 years older than him. I didn't see her, but Kim did, and she said she was pretty. But definitely in her mid-40's. I don't write this to offend any mid-40 ladies out there-obviously you are all hot chicas. And actually to the lady who Gordo made out with, way to go on making out with a 20-something guy. To Gordo, you totally made out with a cougar (please see the last definition listed).

Jokes ensued appropriately. For example,

Gordo (after taking some serious ribbing): Why'd I even come over here to this cabin?
Me: I don't know cuz the women are older over here?

That's how it went. Non-stop. And it will never ever stop.

Saturday we went to the winery on the island which is always my favorite part of the Put in Bay experience. While we were there, some drunk lady thought that Sharda looked like Elvis Presley's daughter so we all kind of just went with it. Sharda even did the lip sneer thingie to perfection. Maybe she is Elvis' daughter? The lady kept coming up and asking her questions like, "Are you rich?" (Sharda: "I don't like to talk about my money.") She even went so far as to say, after the lady walked away, "Gosh I thought we could get through the day without people recognizing me. I just want to live a normal life." Then the drunk lady asked her to sign her stomach. So she did:















This might've been the greatest moment of my life. Ten minutes after this happened, our friends Brian and Anita showed up at the winery, and immediately the lady asked Brian to sign her stomach. And he did without hesitation:















Then completely unprovoked she came over to me and signed my boob, "Kim was here." Why is the winery the happiest place on Earth. Seriously.

After the winery we went to get food, and we kept bugging this poor kid behind the counter. He was from Bulgaria and was there on a student exchange program. He was absolutely adorable, and somehow we got him to kiss Sharda. It was awesome. Diane kept calling him Bulgaria which we decided was rude since he had told us his name so we made her go into a timeout. So she went across the street, sat on someone's golf cart and kept screaming this Browns cheer we made up when we were like 8:

GO BROWNS! GO BROWNS!
MAKE A LOT OF TOUCHDOWNS!
GO TO THE SUPERBOWL AND WIN!

This is why Diane and I aren't cheerleaders.

When we got back to the cabin, Steph had the hiccups. We tried everything to get rid of them without success so she decided she needed to do a headstand. She went into the bedroom to do a headstand. She did it on the bed so she could lean on the wall. A minute later we heard a loud crash and a scream. Nobody ran to do anything. We just laughed. I went in the room a half hour later, and Steph was laying on the ground in the middle of the twin beds covered in my sleeping bag and pillow. She had sort of fallen asleep in the middle of the headstand and fell completely off the bed. So she just reached up, grabbed my sleeping bag and pillow and went to sleep. I'm just saying that’s pretty normal.

Other highlights:
- Loyd jumping out of the cab yelling, "I'm gonna boot!!" and then almost puking in the grass.
- Drew opening the bathroom door and saying, "Hey-I need your opinion. Should I boot or not boot?" Us answering, "Boot-you'll feel better in the morning." Him saying, "Yeah let's do this." And closing the door. Then 5 minutes later coming out and saying, "I couldn't do it. Where's my Italian sausage sandwich?"
- Carrie and I making a bet that she wouldn't stay up Saturday night past 10pm. I said she wouldn't make it. She said she would. She fell asleep at 8:50pm. I am awesome.

There are so many things I'm missing. Other PIB-ers, help fill in the blanks please! I will leave you with this. We saw this guy sleeping under a tree so Drew just went over there and laid down next to him:

Just because something only lasts 14 seconds doesn't mean it wasn't spectacular

I owe you a post because according to Sharda I've been slacking, but we went to Put in Bay this weekend and I think I am still hungover. It was ridiculously fun, and I have some good stories. Here's a preview: Gordo totally made out with an old lady. More on that later.

I wasn't going to watch the Emmy's last night, but then I found out Conan was hosting, and holy effing crapola, people, I was not disappointed. I'm sorry but that guy is the smartest and funniest guy working on television today (Jon Stewart is right behind him). He's an effing genius, and I would give my right arm if I could just get some effing tickets to his show so he could see me across the room, realize we are soulmates and have a bunch of babies with me.

If there is anyone out there who is disagreeing with me, you obviously didn't see a) the show's intro, b) him locking Bob Newhart in an airtight container and saying if the show ran long Newhart would die or c) him introducing the accountants from Ernst & Young. Holy Christ. I have never laughed so hard.

Conan, I love you. No seriously-I am in love with you. I will not stop until I have you. Oh yes-you will be mine. Or Bob Newhart will die.

Funky Buddha

Reasons why the cabbie who drove Drew, Diane and I downtown 2 weeks ago was awesome:

• 300 pound white guy with an afro
• Wrap around sunglasses
• Use to be a cabbie in LA
• Owns 300 acres in Virginia
• The 300 acres are basically just a giant natural gas field
• He's making tens of thousands of dollars off this natural gas
• His name is Buddha
• Loves Ohio State, but he hates the parking there
• Listening to him rant about OSU parking was amazing
• Told us a story that he witnessed first-hand about a guy who was tailgating a semi: the semi's tire blew out, the rubber from the tire flew back at 60mph, went through the guy's windshield and cut him in half.
• Story above was told as a warning to us to never tailgate a semi
• Story above worked. Semi now on the list of "Vehicles to not follow on the highway" along with cars carrying ladders and those trucks that haul new cars
• Story above almost made me puke.
• Pagan minister
• Arrested in San Francisco for performing gay marriage ceremonies
• Seriously his name is Buddha

In short, he is amazing, and I love him. At first I was scared of him. Then I realized he was the most interesting person I've ever talked to. Then I had nightmares for a week about getting cut in half by a flying tire. But still-I heart Buddha.

My weekend rainbow connection

Friday I had people over. Until the wee hours of the morning all we did was drink wine, eat and listen to 80's and 90's music. Oh and I made everyone listen to "Sexy Love" by Ne-Yo. It was one of those nights where you look back and say, "What the hell did we just do for 6 hours? And how come it was awesome?" Things almost came to blows when Jen and I started arguing about the merits of Taylor Dayne. Whereas I say she sucks, Jen says she doesn't. Apparently "Love Will Lead You Back" played an important role in a relationship Jen had in 6th grade or something. Also I sacrificed my body in order to provide my friends with beer bread. I was performing the dangerous task of removing the bread from the pan and putting it on the cooling rack while wearing Ove Gloves. Then this happened:


















This is how good of a friend I am. When it happened, I believe Kim's exact quote, said through laughter, was, "Oh my God-you can't even take bread out of a pan. I mean that's all you had to do!" Then Diane told me I need a full body Ove Glove. I hate you guys.

Saturday I woke up to the sound of water leaking into my downstairs bathroom. What a lovely sight when I walked in there and saw that my walls were warped, and my ceiling was wet. I love when the air conditioner that I already had fixed 3 times still isn't fixed. I remained perfectly calm and kept my poise as I completely lost my fucking mind and almost started crying.

Saturday night we had birthday parties to go to. One had a chocolate fountain. I want to go on record saying that if I never marry or have children, but am able to have a chocolate fountain running at my house at all times, I think I would be okay with that. For Matt's birthday we went to Bier Markt in Ohio City where Loyd, Christy, Woody and I discussed the finer points of breast implants. After Bier Markt we went to Garage bar down the street which is a biker bar. There we watched a dirty, dirty slut try make out with random guys then try to make out with her friend who was a girl (this was the boys' favorite part) then get into a fight with a wedding party and then get kicked out. The most shocking part? It wasn't Steph. Perhaps the highlight of our time there was Matt's soaring rendition of "The Rainbow Connection" in the middle of a bar filled with bikers. Around the second verse he couldn't remember the words so he just started singing, "Something with a frog singing in a swamp!" Oh did I mention Matt was completely trashed?

On Sunday Matt and I went to the Palace Theater at Playhouse Square downtown and watched "The Muppet Movie". No I'm not kidding. When we walked in we realized we were the only adults there who didn't have kids. When we bought our tickets, we're pretty sure the ticket lady was looking around for our missing children, and we were just kind of like, "No it's just us-the dirty perverts." Matt bought a beer even though the thought of drinking it made him sick. He just wanted to say he drank a beer at "The Muppet Movie". I wish he was able to say, "I drank a beer and puked all over the kid in front of me at 'The Muppet Movie'", but that was not meant to be. We had so much fun, and I'm pretty sure we laughed harder than any other person (or child) in the theater. Seriously, Matty, thanks for inviting me and going with me, and consider me in for any and all future Muppet-related activities. P.S. Happy Birthday!