Friday, July 06, 2007

My last weekend update just in time for this weekend

Hey you know who's good at keeping up her blog? Me. Sorry, gang. I've been hella busy. Mostly thinking about how people can have sex on a Tempur-pedic mattress. Seriously, you guys. This thought nags at me everytime I see the damn commercial. Sure it looks comfy to sleep on, but it doesn't look conducive to other bedroom happenings. Someone check this out, and let me know.

Last Friday we continued our celebration of Steph's last day at her old job. Oh did I tell you we celebrated last Thursday? Well we did. And it was awesome except for when I had to clean up the puke of a girl my sister works with. It's okay, though-we've all been there. Some as recently as December. And by some I mean me. So on Friday we went to happy hour at a place that has half priced martinis, and the only thing I like better than a full priced martini is a half priced one.

Steph had a week off of work and is panicking about turning 30 in October. I mean most women panic and create a list of things they must do before 30 takes over and their eggs start dying*. But only Steph actually does them-especially when she has the free time. All that adds up to awesome.

Exhibit A:

She dyed her hair blue, you guys. Seriously. It wasn't her entire head, and it wasn't permanent, but still. She dyed her hair blue. What you can't really see in this picture are her fake eyelashes that she went to MAC and bought and had professionally applied along with the rest of her eye makeup.

Exhibit B:

She made us all recipe boxes. I am not kidding. She hand painted and decorated all of them differently. We had to send her 3-4 recipes. Then she made us each our own personal recipe card with our name and an avatar/picture thingie designed to look like us, wrote down all the recipes based on who submitted them, divided them all up into courses and called it like Party in a Box or something. She named all the courses and wrote little comments underneath. The comments are in green:

Let's Get This Party Started

Happy hour begins at noon

Main Event
Because the way to a man's heart is...

Happy Endings
Options for the second best way to end a night

The Morning After
Recipes for when the party is over

She even has a "morning after" course! Man are we sluts or what?

Here is what Steph made my little avatar person look like. It's a little blurry, but you get the idea:

It says "Sarah Sizzles". I was like-hey thanks for making me look like a total effing nerd-o with the laptop. Like I carry a laptop with me everywhere I go. But she said it was because of the blog so I decided that was acceptable. Incidentally this avatar is about a hundred times cuter than I actually am. (Is avatar the right word? I hear that word being thrown around, but I'll be honest, I don't really know what it means.)

Also you should know that on Friday I tried my first Grey Goose martini-extra dirty-courtesy of Meg. My reaction: "Um...what wondrousness is this? Why have I never had one of these before?" I am changed. Oh and later on in the night at a different bar Diane got in a fight with the bartender because she refused to make my amaretto sour. She was like, "That's a college drink." and then pretended they were out of amaretto. It was funny at first, but not after like 5-10 minutes of it. Obviously an amaretto sour is a college drink, but I am old dammit and I drank 2 martinis already, and I want a goddamn amaretto sour! But I didn't say anything, of course. I just hid behind my sister. A warning to people who mess with me: Diane isn't up for your bullshit and she will yell at you and make you feel so bad that you walk out a half hour later with a free shot for her as a peace offering.

On Saturday we went to the Cleveland Wine Festival which is basically where you pay money to taste wine from a bunch of different wineries. They come from all over to appeal to wine connoisseurs and people who enjoy getting wasted on wine (us). It was glorious, you guys. Especially at the end of the night when it was almost closing time so the wineries were just pouring full glasses to get rid of it. Listen-if you are trying to get rid of wine, we are glad to help with that.

While at the winery we made a friend. Her name was Leslie. Somehow we ended up mutually making fun of this one chick who was wearing basically nothing. Leslie was an older lady-probably mid 40s-and totally wasted off her ass. Listening to her make fun of this girl was so hilarious. She even went up to her to ask her if she was a stripper. I almost choked. I know that's mean, but seriously-you should've seen this girl. There was no question she was a stripper. Turns out she was foreign and had no idea what "stripper" meant so no harm done. I wish I could remember more details of our Leslie encounter, but I was three sheets to the wind at this point. Here's what I know: she gave Sharda her number because she wants to meet with us and hold a seminar about how women can become more aggressive in the workplace and also she totally tried to make out with Sharda. I am not even kidding. She did the lean-in and everything. It was amazing. I have dubbed her Lesbilie.

On Sunday we saw "Live Free or Die Hard", and I crapped my pants from the awesomeness. Seriously it is so great. Bruce Willis should always be an action hero. Like at all times. He should never stop kicking ass and taking names.

Oh and in case you're wondering Steph started her new job yesterday, and when I asked her how her day went she said, "Pretty shitty." I asked why and it turns out there was human feces on the floor of her building. HUMAN FECES. As she said, "I always heard corporate America was shitty. I just didn't think that meant literally." Awe-some.

*When I told Johnny Virgil about how I was all depressed because my eggs are dying, he was very sympathetic and sent me a text message later that said "...And somewhere off in the distance, an egg died." I hate him.


Skeezix said...

So what does it mean that when I saw this:
"Because the way to a man's heart is..."

I finished the sentence with "in his pants."

Sarah said...

If I know Steph, I would say that she was leaving that open to interpretation.

Sgt said...

Sex on a Tempur-pedic mattress is great. It's like sex with body paints... without the mess.

midwestgrrl said...

"I've been hella busy. Mostly thinking about how people can have sex on a Tempur-pedic mattress." I am not ashamed to say I have wondered this myself.

Also, I call shenanigans on that bartender refusing to make you an amaretto sour because it's a "college drink." The Velvet Tango Room is the snobbiest bar I know in terms of cocktails, and THEY will make you an amaretto sour. It will cost you $15, but it will be the best amaretto sour you'll ever drink.


Sassy Blondie said...

Once you lie down on a Tempur-pedic, you just want to sleep. You will forget all about sex.

Wine tasting with lesbians, having your first double dirty Grey Goose martini, your sister intimidating a bitch bartender, AND a cool gift? Sarah, how could life get any better?

Anonymous said...

I saw Live Free or Die Hard one night, then Transformers the night after that.

I vigorously shat myself when the new Camaro came on screen.*

Bruce Willis, Mr T and Chuck Norris should become members of an elite awesomeness squad, along with all the ninja turtles excepting the latest movie. Batman can come too.

P.S., my word verif is 'yapgo'. That word is awesome in itself.

*I won't say anything that hasn't been all over TV, but.... EPIC BOOBS. That is all.

Lindystar said...

Ok I know I've said this before but I HAVE to move to where you live. OHMYGAWWWD!! You always find so much crazy ass fun. Like AALLLL the time. I don't know how you do it but you are so my social idol.

Cravey said...

This seems to have been an awesome weekend - no doubt. I personally just wanted to welcome to Grey Goose Martini's - you've been initiated. It's going to be very hard to go back.

Also, I've never thought about sex on a tempurpedica mattress, but now I can think of little else. so, em, thanks?

I'll raise a gg martini that this weekend is as great as the last.


Johnny Virgil said...

I apologize. (But it was still funny.) I've heard that a gg martini can bring them back to life, so you're on the right track there.

Torrence said...

Hey, I am getting a new blizzie. Don't fret, I need to get your email address.

citygirl said...

I loved the action in Live Free or Die Hard, but Bruce looked really tired through the whole thing.

Blogger said...

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