Put it in your Bay

I took a verbal lashing tonight for not having posted about Put in Bay yet. From people who were there. Explain that to me. Okay you guys asked for it so here's a warning: this is going to be loooong.

Diane and Meg took their cars over to the island on the ferry. There was definitely nothing annoying about when Diane was the last person to fit on the ferry, and we had to wait for the next one. I called Diane immediately when I realized we weren't getting on, and when she picked up all I heard was laughter. Five minutes later I got a text message that said, "How's the mainland?" My reply was a picture of Meg and Sharda giving the middle finger.

Once we finally got to the island, we pulled up to our rental house and noticed a huge pool of water in the street in front of it and slowly creeping down the driveway and trickling toward the house. We really didn't think much of it. Note: This is like in the movies when they do a close up of something you think is totally random but it ends up being important later on in the movie like in "The Sixth Sense" when they show how Bruce Willis can't get into the basement because the door's locked and you're like 'so the eff what' but then at the end it all makes sense. Basically what I'm saying is, we'll come back to the water.

The drinking began roughly 30 seconds after we got in the house and soon we were uptown (downtown?) at a bar where the bartenders know Kim and were very sad to hear she was getting married. Diane asked one of them to make her a fruity drink that didn't have pineapple juice in it, and he gave us a 007, and then I died and went to heaven. Seriously, you guys, if you haven't had one of these, you should get up out of your chair right now, march down to the nearest bar and order one. Orange vodka, orange juice and 7-up [Ed. note: I changed this from Sprite which is what I originally wrote down and apparently Johnny Virgil is a Mr. Smarty Pants and couldn't deal with me substituting Sprite for 7-up. So what if that made it a 00S, JV!]. So simple. So perfect. And what a cool name. Over the weekend I would end up drinking about 27 of these.

Friday night was filled with much dancing and drinking. It was also filled with some guy who was about 45, unnaturally tan, wearing a shiny outfit, dark sunglasses (it was midnight), a fedora and carrying a cane-no medical purpose readily apparent. Renee asked him if she could limbo under his cane, and he held it out for her and Kim to limbo under. I couldn't believe what I was seeing, but it was real and it was terrific.

Also at this bar these two guys came up and started dancing with us. And surprisingly, not in a creepy way. They were just fun. One of them came up to dance with me and was like, "It's not hard to spot the fun one in the group." And I was like, "Damn straight." Then he went to buy me a drink, and I was pretty sure that I had just been singled out for being the drunkest asshole there, but hey-free drink. Bring it.

I should tell you that at this point, my sister was carrying two buckets around with her. She had stolen them from a previous bar that sold beer in buckets. Why did she steal them? Well, when we go tailgating at football games, the bathroom lines are ridiculous. So the boys bought a pee tent and put a gallon milk jug inside it. Ladies, have you ever tried to pee into a gallon milk jug? It's-how can I put this delicately-a big urine-soaked mess. So Diane stole the buckets purely for peeing purposes. This is the conversation she had with one of the guys dancing with us:

Guy: Why do you have those buckets?
Diane: They're pissbuckets. For tailgating.
Guy: [blank stare]
Diane: I like football.
Guy: Oh.
Me, to my sister only: Did you just say 'I like football?' What? That guy probably thinks you're a lesbian.

10 minutes pass.

Diane, to guy: I'm not a lesbian.
Guy, putting a reassuring hand on Diane's shoulder: It's okay.
Diane: No really I'm not.
Guy: I'm a lesbian.

I think I love that guy. I also love Kim's sister for getting a ticket for public urination. Yeah that's right. She said it was the most expensive piss she's ever taken. I just used a word for "pee" 8 times in the last 3 paragraphs. I never talk about pee (9) this much. Unless it's lunchtime and I'm in a public place.

When we got back to the house Friday night Diane, Renee and I literally could not stop dancing. It was physically impossible for me to stop my body from moving and go to bed. Everyone around us went to bed and slept through our performance, but I know in my heart that we looked really, really good. I saw evidence of it the next morning when I looked at pictures Diane took of me dancing an inch away from Meg's sleeping face. Sorry Meg. At least I didn't put my ass in your face like Renee did.

Saturday I woke up to some commotion. Through a series of events I still don't fully understand, Steph and Meg had gotten up early to go to get coffee and came back with an 8 person golf cart. That is just something that happens when you are friends with Steph and Meg. Suddenly you have a golf cart. We piled onto the cart to go to lunch, and I have to say it was maybe one of the best things I've ever done on that island. We moved so slow it was ridiculous. I could've gotten out and jogged faster, and I'm someone who only runs when she is being chased by a knife-wielding maniac which has happened, oh, never times. The turn signal on the cart was broken so every time we had to turn, Steph made us do the hand signals:
















Then when we had to park, there were a couple times when we had to go in reverse, and she made us beep. Nine women in their late twenties/early thirties beeping. Now that's class.

As usual we went to the winery during the day and within about 30 minutes it was clear none of us were going to be sober for the rest of the day. We played bachelorette games there, and we made all these people take pictures with Kim. Also I just want to mention here that Diane was really mean and made me sit in the sun the whole time because according to her my "tan lines are really weird". Here you be the judge:










It's not that bad, right? But I listened to her anyways because I have to be in a bridesmaid dress in 2 weeks, and I really don't want people staring at me because I have a weird tan. I want them staring at me because I just did a shot while shoving cake down the best man's pants.

Let me tell you something about Kim. She has a nice booty. It's a fact. And she likes to shake it. We have been calling her Sweet Booty for like 8 years now. So for Saturday night, Anita had t-shirts made for all of us:















The back of Kim's said "President". Awesome. Then we dressed her all up in penises and garters and boas and took her out.

Highlights:
- This band
- Sharda spit Jello all over my face. Does that count as wrestling in Jello?
- Our special guest, Peter Pecker, showed up for the night. You might remember him from the bus accident a few months ago. It was nice to see him and to know he recovered okay. Incidentally, Peter is the closest thing I have to a boyfriend at this point. Like I've seen him more regularly in the past few months than any other man. That is the saddest sentence I have ever written.
- Kim walking up to the window of a bar that was playing "Proud to be an American" and saluting. Then immediately yelling, "Whatever-stick your ass out and shake it!!"

Lowlights:
- I went to the restroom when "C'mon N' Ride the Train" came on-obviously-and when I came out, after giving a high five to a stranger, I got sucked into a train by Meg and Diane. 'Dear Lord', I thought. 'Who's leading this nonsense?' It was Renee. I instantly cursed the person whose idea this was. Turns out it was my sister's. Et tu, Diane?

The water: I said we would come back to this. Well over the course of the weekend, the water running towards the house grew in both quantity and nastiness. It started to take on a brown hue and was cloudy in its consistency. On Sunday morning, we walked outside to pack up the car and were slapped in the face by a stench so godawful we actually had to go inside to get fresh air. It physically hurt to be outside it was so bad. It was sewage, people. Not a puddle of harmless water. But sewage. Diane kept screaming the words "fecal matter". I'm not sure if she was forming complete sentences or not because I was too busy holding a can of Lysol wipes as close to my nose as the laws of science and nature would allow. Let me tell you-"In sewage" should never be a reply you give to the question "So where'd you stay this weekend?"

Kimmy, congratulations! I'm so excited for your wedding. As a member of the wedding party I promise to try to represent you well and with dignity. Stop laughing.