Meat and greet

Last Thursday was Meg's birthday. To celebrate we went to a Brazilian steakhouse. I have never been to a Brazilian steakhouse before, and it doesn't work like a normal restaurant so as usual when I'm faced with something new, I reacted with fear and confusion. Essentially here is how it works: You pay a flat price. Included in the price of your meal is access to the salad bar. And I'm not talking about some lame little Bob's Big Boy salad bar. One of the four sides has a salad-making area. The other 3 sides are filled with every kind of salad made under the sun: lobster salad, potato salad, chicken salad, carrot salad, broccoli salad. And then they just throw the whole salad idea out the window by filling up the rest of the space with tortellini, asparagus, mahi mahi, green beans, etc. I mean I literally can't remember all of it.

And that is only the first part of your meal. After you gorge yourself on the salad bar, it's meat time. And I don't mean like you pick out a steak and eat it. No-that is apparently not enough meat for the Brazilians. What happens is men appear from out of the shadows and they are carrying meat. Big slabs of meat on spits and they come up to you and cut off a slice for you. Sixteen kinds of meat. Sixteen men bring out sixteen kinds of meat, and you can eat all of it as many times as you want. I mean they just keep coming back. "Top sirloin? Flank Steak? Rack of lamb?" It's really quite terrifying. They give you a little round coaster type thing. One side is red, the other is green. When you have it green side up that is a sign for the meat men that it's go time. When you are done or as our waiter put it "you need a break", turn the coaster to red side up. That stops the meat parade. By the way "meat parade" couldn't sound any dirtier. But that's literally what it was. A parade of meat.

At one point Diane couldn't take looking at the dead animal carcass on her plate anymore, and she had to cover it up with a napkin. I, too, reached a point where the thought of stuffing any more meat into my body made me want to puke. Boy-the double entendres are really piling up here.

I sat next to Kevin and Matt who apparently have an endless hunger for meat (ding! double entendre). I mean they wouldn't stop eating. They even looked up the list of meats and asked our waiter-twice-for meat that had apparently not made it to our table. This is after eating 14 other kinds of meat. They still wanted more. Then they got dessert. Matt got Bananas Foster because he thought they set it on fire. He said I had to eat it with him and when I refused he said, "You're getting some of this fiery love, and you don't even know it." Then Matt and I did it on the table surrounded by meat carcass. And by "did it on the table surrounded by meat carcass" I mean that after dessert he and Kevin went up and got some tortellini. I finally had to take Matt's fork away from him before he ate himself to death Se7en style.

You guys should try to go to one of these places if you ever get the chance. It is a trip. Meg, I hope you had an awesome birthday. And I'm sorry I said that the flank steak looked like poop sitting on my plate. What can I say-I really know how to class up a joint.

Belated Grey's Recap

I wasn't home Thursday night so I had to watch Grey's and The Office on Friday morning before I left to go out of town this weekend. More on both of those events later. Don't read this if you haven't seen The Office or Grey's.

The Office
All I have to say is "DWIGHT GOT A HOOKER!" I seriously almost peed my pants.

Grey's
Okay I thought Thursday's episode was awesome. That is the most I've seen Meredith smile in a long time, and it was nice.

The underpants scene was fantastic. I love Bailey: "I know it's one of you two. It's always one of mine." Speaking of Bailey, the Nazi is back and in full effect, and it's awesome! She is seriously the best part of this show. The scene with her and Izzie was unbelievable. I was crying like a little baby. I want Bailey to come take care of me.

I love that even though Alex is an ass he is still trying to protect Izzie. He totally still loves her. Also him doing the patient in the bathroom was hilarious. He really is a little man-whore isn't he. A hot little man-whore.

Okay I'm just laying it out there now: I have a crush on Burke's dad. Seriously how awesome is he!? And the scenes with Christina and Burke's mom are priceless. Could his mom be any more opposite than Christina? It's awesome.

I agree with Carly, I'm really starting to like Callie. That was so cool that she covered for Meredith. She is making a huge effort to fit in with George's friends, and he's crazy if he doesn't see that. Um also when Meredith was like, "Callie's hot. She's really really hot-like almost dirty hot." I laughed. Then I was picturing getting caught dancing in my underwear by my boss. And it was a horrifying image, you guys. It really was. And it didn't include my boss and I drinking coffee on my bed-me still in my underwear. What was that about. The first thing you do in that situation besides try to run away is put some pants on. Callie sure does love walking around in her underwear.

Okay did anyone else totally melt when Finn brought Izzie lunch then got all sexy in Meredith's face and was like, "I'm not that sensitive." and pushed her up against a wall to kiss her!? I was like-um....rewind! That was hot. He is hot and nice, and like Meredith said, "He's the guy who brings your roommate lunch when she's sad." Do those guys really exist? If you know of any, please send them my way. Thanks.

Meredith was way more likable this episode, and it's nice to see her smile again. I really do like her. I like that she called McDreamy out on the "you're still married" thing. And I like that she decided to date both of them because honestly how do you choose? You can't so you date both until one of them gets sick of it then it's decided for you. It's what I like to call "the easy way out". I have perfected this method for almost every aspect of my life. I have yet to use it in a situation where 2 medically trained hot men with scruffy 5 'o clock shadow want to date me, but when that situation arises, I will be ready.

And then McDreamy. While I felt his talk with Addison ("I'm going to eat all of these muffins and get really fat.") was late, it was still heartfelt. I really felt bad for both of them that they had to admit their marriage was over. They're not meant to be, and that's pretty obvious, but it doesn't mean they didn't care. I was just really sad for them. And then the bathroom door opened up, and I was blinded by abs and arms and thigh and calves and almost ass. The Hot radiated from the screen and burned with the heat of a thousand suns. Then McSteamy said, "This is awkward." And I said a silent prayer that his towel would magically fall to the floor. I have never seen a more well-placed towel in my life, have you? I'm just saying that man is blessed. And I am blessed that he is going to be on again next week. Hey, writers, can I get a "series regular" please? I think I should be able to see him every week. Preferably in a towel.

I know how to read

Since my friends and I are now old and mature (see: every post I've ever posted here), we have started a book club. I have never been in a book club before. My mom is in one, and after almost every meeting I get a call like this, "So guess what Sharon told me at book club last night [insert gossip about someone from my high school here]." And that's awesome. But what's most awesome is that you can always tell my mom had a great time. So when Shannon asked if I wanted to be in one, I was game.

Last night was our first meeting. We read "Angels & Demons" by Dan Brown since most people had already read it, and we wanted to ease everyone into the process. Here are my thoughts on book club.

How it was like school:
- We had to introduce ourselves (there were some new people) and when I said, "As long as we don't have to say a "fun fact" that's fine." immediately Suz was like, "Okay you have to say a fun fact about the person next to you." Dammit Suz.
- Shannon gave us star stickers after we introduced ourselves.
- Shannon prepared questions for discussion! (Did I mention Shannon is a former teacher?)
- We actually talked about the book.
- At 10pm Tuesday night I was only 141 pages into the 568 page book so I scrambled and finished it by 6:30pm yesterday-the time when I was supposed to be at Shannon's house.

How it was not like school:
- I was awake.
- We had wine. And a chocolate fountain. Seriously.
- I wanted to be there.
- I was allowed to swear and make fun of Tom Hanks without someone calling me a smartass and telling me to take off my hat and/or stop chewing gum.
- There was no wrong answer.
- It was fun.

When it started I was really nervous because we were actually talking about the book, and I was like, "Oh my God people are giving their opinion about the book. This is weird. Shouldn't we be talking about hot guys and getting drunk?" But then it was really interesting and obviously my friends are awesome so it was really fun. Shannon, I know you were all nervous about it, but it went great and everyone had a good time. You are super cute and fun and did a good job.

Ladies, we are officially not young anymore, and I expect that very shortly I'll be calling my mom and saying, "Oh my gosh guess what Sharda told me at book club last night [insert gossip about one of my friends here]."

P.S. Visit this site immediately. It's effing fantastic. FANTASTIC.

P.P.S. The Office and Grey's tonight. Get ready.

Cooking Thyme

Last Wednesday 9 of us girls went to this place. Basically how it works is, you go to the menu for that month, pick out 6 (or 12) things, they buy all the ingredients and set up a station for each dish. Then you go to the place, and they tell you how to put it together. It's all food you can freeze so you take it all home and put in the freezer for future consumption. Truly I have no idea how I ended up going as we all know I know nothing about cooking. I even called my mom to tell her I was going and that I was nervous, and she was like, "Yeah I mean I tried to teach you how to cook, but you really could've cared less. So good luck." Thanks, Mom. However, they give you step by step instructions and 8 of my friends were going so of course I had to go.

Oh also we were allowed to bring wine. So you know.

The ladies who worked there told us that we could bring a bottle of wine to sip on while we put all our food together, but our group interpreted that as "bring 8 bottles of wine and bags and bags of Halloween candy-oh and chips and dip in a crockpot". Seriously. Why do we turn basically every event into tailgating? After we spent a half hour eating and drinking the women who worked there were like, "Um-maybe we should start cooking because we actually have lives outside of this building and would like to spend some time with our families instead of with you drunk overeaters."

They explained how it all worked, and within seconds I was confused. I had no idea what they were talking about or what we were supposed to do. I looked around the room and was met with only looks of terror. Clearly no one knew what was going on. Someone-I think maybe Suz-had to basically take me by the hand and lead me to a station to begin. Once there it started to make sense. They literally had every step written out one by one on what to do. I mean down to the smallest detail like "put into small Ziplock bag. In a different, new, small Ziplock bag put..." Awesome. Listen-I can cook when you write it out like this. Do you hear me, Mom? Details!! This is not teaching me how to cook:

"Just throw in some spices."
"What kind?"
"You know whatever kind you have laying around."
"Well is there a kind that won't taste good with X?"
"I mean you know which ones make sense and which ones don't."
"No I don't or I wouldn't have asked. [voice is getting more panicky now] Well how much should I put in???"
"Just a little bit here and there. You'll figure it out."
Dial tone. Because I just killed myself.

At any rate I did okay despite working with some mysterious substances like "cumin" and "marjoram*" and "mixing bowls". I even made chicken cordon bleu. Like I wrapped ham and cheese in chicken and then rolled it in bread crumbs. What!? I will say I am the one who probably utilized the help of the kitchen ladies more than anyone. I had questions like, "Okay so how do I use this lemon zester thing-a-ma-jig?" and "Do I need to put red pepper flakes in this? Those are yucky." and "Which one's the teaspoon and which one's the tablespoon?" But some of their time was taken up when Suz spilled raw chicken juice all over the counter, and they had to clean it up. Thanks, Suz.

Each dish comes with specific instructions for how to actually cook it so I suppose the real test is to come. We all know my biggest nemisis is the oven. And knives. Wish me luck.

Here's a porkchop that I made:












*Incidentally this made me wish I had a friend named Marjorie so when I got all annoyed I could be like, "Dammit Marjorie." I know this seems weird, but Danielle understands.

Top 3 reasons I will be going to see The Departed

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Leo doesn't normally do it for me, but hot damn-he looks good in this. I mean seriously...


















He looks all tough and manly. Well done, Leo. You've come a long way since this:




















You guys that's mean.

One more thing...

I forgot to mention in my Grey's post the scene in the kitchen with McDreamy and Meredith. It was so nice and lovely, and I kind of was like, "Um-this seems like bullshit?" He said, "You have to make a choice." Aren't you forgetting something, McDreamy? You're still married. I wanted Meredith to say, "Well how about if you choose to divorce your wife first then I'll think about making a choice." Danielle and I are wondering if they are maybe Tarantinoing it. It seems like they skipped some details of the immediate aftermath of the prom-like Addison finding the panties in the first place. I mean last night it started with Meredith running out of the prom after someone and never went back to that. I'm wondering if in the next episode it goes back to right where it left off last season and we see the events leading up to yesterday's episode. Like Addison finding the panties, and McDreamy telling her it's over. So maybe last night when he was giving the "make a choice" speech to Meredith it was already over with Addison, we just didn't know it yet so McDreamy came off looking like McKindOfJackassy*. What do we think about this? Am I grasping at straws to make McDreamy come off as a really good guy still?

Also I want to point out that clearly Finn is the smarter, healthier choice for Meredith. But you know she will pick McDreamy because the heart wants what it wants, and her heart wants McDreamy. I said McDreamy 7 times in this post. Now 8.

P.S. I can't stop talking about "The Office" with people. I can't.

*Despite this he is seriously dreamy.

Is it next Thursday yet?

*Don't read if you haven't seen "The Office" or "Grey's Anatomy" yet. Or if you don't care about those shows.*

The Office
When 8:30 rolled around was anyone else just as giddy as me? I mean seriously I was so happy. Then they show Jim in another office, and it was like somebody punched me in the stomach. What the frick!? I was really angry. Until I saw that Pam didn't marry Roy then I was all, "This could get interesting." Also the fact that Jim is in another office yet still tormenting Dwight is fantastic. By the way how pathetic is Roy right now? I actually felt bad for him. Also I personally think he looks totally hot with that beard. Not that I am taking his side or anything because it is Jim and Pam forever. But still. He looks yummy.

Also Michael was so moronic yesterday that it was simply excruciating-and amazing-to watch. I think Drew was in actual physical pain during the conference room scene because it was just so uncomfortable. Steve Carrell is an effing genius!!!

Other highlights:
- Dwight fake crying about Jim leaving
- Kevin laughing into the camera after finding out Oscar was gay
- Michael calling Angela a lesbian and then saying, "Can't you picture her with another girl?" and Dwight smiling
- Creed: "In the 60's I made love to many, many, many women. Usually outside, in the mud. It's possible a man may have slipped in there. There's really no way of knowing."
- Michael: "Gay used to mean happy. When I was growing up it meant lame."
- Gaydar. I really don't need to say more than that, do I?

I was going to keep listing things, but then I realized I was about to basically write out the entire episode so I'll just say that last night's episode was top-notch, and I am SO happy it's back.

Grey's Anatomy
I thought last night's episode was really good, but it didn't really advance the story as much as I had hoped. That's mainly because I was expecting her to choose someone, and she didn't. And I'm annoyed. The scenes with Izzie were pretty upbeat, though. Not! (Yeah I did just say "Not". What's up 1992?) My favorite one was with George. I've always like Izzie and George's relationship. And personally if it was me, George is the one I would want comforting me. He's so nice.

Don't get me started on the scenes with Dr. Bailey and that poor guy from 588 A.D. who had the plague and then lost his wife. Oh my God. Heart. Wrenched out of my chest. Also Christina crying on Burke's shoulder saying, "Please don't ever die." Um...what! I was actually biting back tears because I didn't want to cry in front of Scott and John. Although John turned to me afterwards and said, "Who's that one actress? Sandra Oh? Yeah she just made me almost cry a little bit there." Awesome.

Could Alex be any hotter? The answer is no. But why doesn't he just admit he loves babies and is going to become a pediatric surgeon like Addison. I mean seriously. I think they even foreshadowed this by showing the flashback of him telling Izzie-in a condescending tone-that he assumed she would go into pedes (is that how you spell it?). I think it would make such a perfect unforeseen twist for his character. This jerky guy who thinks he's too cool for school (Yeah I said that, too) ends up being a baby doctor? Brilliant. And when I say unforeseen, I mean unforeseen by everyone but me. I never make predictions about shows, but I am making this one. If I am wrong, I will erase all traces of this post.

As far as the Meredith love triangle...how do you pick which hot medically trained guy with 5 o'clock shadow to be with? I mean seriously. If I had at least one hot medically trained man with 5 o'clock shadow after me I would be happy. But two? It's an impossible decision.

And lastly, panties on the bulletin board? Yes. Just yes.

Oh by the way, when George said to McDreamy, "I don't like you." Diane said, "Neither do I." This is now two of the hottest men on my favorite shows that Diane doesn't like-McDreamy and Jack from "Lost". You guys, it's like she's doing it to hurt me. Don't worry I'm having DNA tests done to prove we aren't related.

One last thing, when Meredith started taking off Izzie's dress John said, "I've been waiting for Meredith to undress Izzie for 6 months."

Some randoms

I was so filled with road rage this morning that not even listening to "Ditty" by Paperboy could lift me out of it. That is a dark, dark place, my friend.

Did you guys watch "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" on Monday? It's glorious. I absolutely loved it. And that's only the first episode which is always awkward because they have to set everything up. All I know is that I love Matthew Perry, and he was awesome in this so bring it on.

Tomorrow is the greatest day of all time. Do you know why? Both The Office and Grey's Anatomy start back up. On the same night. One right after the other. Holy crap. It's way too much for me to handle. We are going to Scott's house to watch it on his giant movie theater type screen in the basement. We'll be sitting on what I call the make out couch because seriously when his boys become teenagers they will totally take their girlfriends down there to make out. When Scott redid his basement I was like, "You realize you just built what is essentially going to be a sex room for your teenage boys, right?" Anyway, we are going over there to eat Scott's food and watch The Office, but Danielle and I convinced him to let us also watch Grey's Anatomy. Scott told me that if he ends up liking Grey's because of this, we are no longer friends. We'll see about that. I think once he's hooked into the McDreamy-Meredith-Chris O'Donnell love triangle he'll be singing a different tune. Also Izzie is really hot. OMG 1 more day, you guys!! I am so effing excited. And if I know you guys like I think I do, you guys are excited, too. Set your DVR/Tivo.

This past Saturday Steph went to a fundraiser for a democratic candidate. She cited reasons like "to support our party" and "to hear him speak", but the real reason she went was because Bill Clinton was going to be there. She said she was going to dress up like Monica Lewinsky and ask him to sign her boobs. All of us laughed because clearly there were going to be like a thousand people at this thing, and there was no way in hell she would even get close to him. Here are the text messages and emails we received over the next few days (I edited a couple of them to be easier to read):

9/16/06 2:22PM - Shook his hand. Touched Bill.

9/16/06 2:25PM - Shaking. Seriously. Still.

9/17/06 10:06AM - My right hand touched Bill. Seriously. It did.

9/17/06 11:21AM - Mom brilliant! told me to plaster of paris hand before I shower so I can save the remaining magic touch always [editor's note: I'm not sure what 'plaster of paris hand' means but I get the gist-her mom told her to plaster the hand before she showers]

9/17/06 7:53PM - My family revoked my phone privileges because of all the Bill calls. I am not to call again for 3 days.

9/18/06 8:41AM - Did I tell you guys that I shook Bill Clinton's hand on Saturday?

9/18/06 11:50AM - Ok, now work has put restrictions on me…I'm no longer permitted to talk about my weekend and Bill's handshake. Geesh, you think people would be more patriotic.

So basically in a matter of a couple days Steph shook her hero's hand and managed to push away her family and coworkers to the point where she was literally not allowed to talk to them. You had a busy weekend, Steph. I am really happy you got to shake Bill's hand, but please tell me you've showered since then.

We followed this guy on the highway-for way too long

I can't decide what's classier: the wolf motif on the back window or the giant ball sac hanging from the bumper?



















The best is that when we finally passed him the driver looked like a member of ZZ Top, and he had a little old lady in the truck with him. Also there were giant bull horns on the front. So I married him.

Community Education programs being offered in my area that I most likely will not be attending

Searching the Internet for Seniors (Ages 50+)

Getting Paid for Caring for Your Loved Ones

How to Handle Too Many Passions to Pick Just One

Seeing Your Past Lives

The Lipstick, The Handshake and The Wardrobe

Ukulele Workshop

Mountain Dulcimer Workshop

Harmonica Workshop

Dog Massage and Energy Workshop

Global Warming

Lake Erie Weather

Embraced by Angels ("The Crossing Over Workshop")

How to Explore a Cemetery

Pony Camp

Mother/Daughter French Hair Braiding