Return of the Mac

I just want to say that if you ever get the chance to go to a 90's party, do it. 'But Sarah,' you're saying, 'Isn't it too early to have a 90's party?' No. No it's not. It was 8 years ago. Accept how old you are.

We had a 90's party on Saturday for Paul's 30th birthday, and it was amazing. I was surrounded by flannels, vests, Doc Martins, long flowery dresses, scrunchies and, unfortunately, a jean dress. And we listened to the sweet sounds of the likes of Color Me Badd, Ace of Base and Montell Jordan while 90210 season 1 was playing on the TVs in the background. I forgot how much I loved Brandon and Dylan.

Unfortunately there exist some pictures that as Steph pointed out mean I can never, ever run for political office, but it was worth it. We have decided that every party we have from now on will be a 90's party.

P.S. What's all the hoopla about that teacher doing the cheer routine in her class? Why is everyone so mad about that? It's not like she did a stripper dance. The only thing we should all be focusing on is that she is a giant dork. But I can't even really say anything after my dance Saturday to the Baywatch theme song. God I really don't want to see those pictures.

Godspeed. To both of us.

The blog has totally been neglected this week because I haven't been home and when I am home I'm exhausted from my new job. I should tell you guys what my new job is then you would understand. I train full time for this. You might remember me telling you that since I got my first Rubik's cube in the 80's, I already have one full side done. I quit my job so I could stay home and learn how to remove and reapply the stickers faster. You can't mess around at the World Championships, okay? I have to be able to change around the stickers without it being visible to the naked eye. My life will be meaningless if someone doesn't call me a speedcubist or a solution virtuoso after this is over.

I really shouldn't say that my life would be meaningless. I mean I still have my dancing:














P.S. I haven't watched Grey's yet, but, um, when Creed dyed his hair and called Ryan "bra" I swear I almost got in my car, drove out to LA and kissed all the writers full on the mouth.

Day One

The first day went okay. By the end of the day, though, I was very overwhelmed and mentally tired. I have SO MUCH to learn, and I hate being the one who doesn't know anything. I'm used to being the expert at my job, and now I'm like a little baby who has to learn everything because it's all new and who poops her pants. By the way, a tip for all of you: pooping your pants on the first day = not a great first impression. You're welcome.

While I was unpacking boxes and putting my desk together, I brought out my Big Mouth Billy Bass and asked one of my new coworkers if he was ready for me. Later on this same coworker saw me wearing 3 napkins as a bib while I ate lunch. Project Build Reputation At New Job As A Complete Dork is coming along nicely.

One more thing about my new job: jeans on Fridays. I will make out with jeans on Fridays right now.

P.S. This will be the best show ever.

Stuff and things and shows

So today was the last day of my job. I got a little more emotional than I had anticipated I would. And now I am just sitting here pretty scared about this new job which starts tomorrow. I told you earlier it's a complete departure from what I'm doing now, and I know absolutely nothing so pretty much all I want to do is take my mommy with me and have her follow me around all day so if I get scared I can run to her and she can protect me. Think that would leave a pretty good impression? What-it's not like I would bring my blankie or anything. Hmm...I should bring my blankie.

Add this to the list of things to worry about: 6 die from brain-eating amoeba in lakes. Good Lord that's horrific.

Friday we went out for Meg's birthday. At dinner, Aloyd's and my cell phone totally had sex. Like the entire dinner and in lots of different positions. Turns out my phone is a complete slut. It wasn't without its tender moments, though, as they also cuddled and spooned for a while. Steph took a picture of some of the action and sent it to everybody.

Warning: This is not for small ones' eyes.














Cell phone! I am shocked! This is a family blog. If you're a family of drunks, that is.

Saturday we lost again at football, and Sharda finally came to a game to support us and then later made fun of us by saying that really all we do is stand around. We went to the bar afterwards, and Meg got stung by a bee then accidentally poured ice water all over my left leg and foot. Drew, upon seeing this happen, poured his beer all over my right leg. Saturday night was totally insane. Sharda and I went to Diane's house, and we watched two episodes of Three Sheets, an hour long episode of Unwrapped and then Sharda was like, "I'm going home and going to bed" and Diane and I were too passed out to stop her. It was wild. But did anyone watch SNL with Lebron James? The High School Musical skit was holy hilarious. We rewound it like 7 times.

Sunday we went to the Browns game and tailgated again, but I'm happy to announce no one ran into any parking meters. That's mostly because our friends Matt and Adrianne ran up to each one and covered them with their bodies so we could avoid them. Thanks for having our backs, guys.

Spoilers!

The Office was so effing good. I am so so so happy about Pam and Jim. So so happy. Look how Pam is wearing her hair and dressing. She's in love. Yay! Kevin trying to figure out if they were dating was priceless. I couldn't believe he was hiding in his car at the end. "It's too bad they're not dating. They would be good together. They would go together like PB&J. Pam Beesly and Jim. What a waste."

I effing love that this show started off its entire season by having Michael hit Meredith with his car. I seriously can't deal with it because it's just too awesome. When Dwight said, "It's only Meredith." I lost my mind. Brilliant. Every single thing Creed did was amazing. Did you see how angry he was when Meredith didn't know what kind of painkillers she was on?

Oh God what about when Pam saw Michael naked. "I didn't see where it started, but I saw where it ended." YES. And then Jim with his shirt off, "Oh I'm sorry is this a working environment and not a French beach?"

"This is the face of rabies." When Darryl fed that squirrel a peanut, I pulled a muscle in my stomach. Then Michael pantsed Toby, and it was glorious.

Dwight. Cat. Freezer. So so sick and so so amazing.

There is way too much to mention here, but THANK GOD this show is back. I'll just say one more thing: Ryan: "I think I used to date a black girl."

Anyone else a tiny bit underwhelmed with the Grey's premiere? I know a couple of you left comments to that effect. I'm so utterly annoyed with the Izzie-George thing and with the fact that Bailey isn't chief that it was hard to get past it. Of course Izzie's interns hate her. Everyone hates her because she's horrible. Come on, Grey's-she spends the entire episode 1-being COMPLETELY obvious about George in front of everyone and 2-saving an effing deer? Are you kidding me? Lame. I think if they hadn't effed up her character so badly last year, I could think the deer thing was charming because in the first couple seasons that was her thing. She had a big heart and was goofy and did things like that. But last year she was so awful that when she spent all her time on the deer I was like, "Woman, you are the worst."

I'm glad they didn't for real break up Meredith and McDreamy. Oh my God his speech to McSteamy about how she has the right to be damaged and how he'll wait for her to come around was so amazing. Men like that just don't exist, and he completely lived up to and re-earned his McDreamy nickname.

Alex left the show looking hot and came back with facial hair and if we remember I am in my "beards are totally hot" phase right now so I was like whooooa mama. Hot hot hot. I liked his little moment with Christina, too.

Um...can your head actually be decapitated but still connected by skin like that? Is that for real? That is nasty.

Truthfully, this was a much more fun episode than the ones they ran almost the entire second half of last season so I appreciated that. I would like to get back to the funny. All in all I give this episode a B-. They really need to redeem Izzie's character. And I will need more McSteamy in future episodes.

Oh by the way I'm pretending that last scene where George went to Izzie's and said that didn't happen.

P.S. For those who asked, yes I watched Chuck. I loved it. It reminds me of all my computer dork lunch guys trying to save the world. Fantastic. And how cute is Chuck??

OMG I love television

I passed out on the couch and am super sleepy and don't feel good, but I promise show recaps/discussion are coming. Obviously I will work on them while I'm at work. All I have to say is re: Grey's, Izzie's a bitch and a flake and re: The Office, YAY!!! I am squealing with delight. For so many reasons. Also I had no idea how much I missed Creed. I mean I really, really didn't. (SPOILER ALERT) Um, he's 82. Okay that's for real all I'm saying for right now. I love you, television.

Stuff like this always happens in Malaysia. Why does anyone go there?

In keeping up with my apparent oath to bring you all penis-related news items, some chick almost cut off her husband's member in Malaysia. Perhaps what's most shocking about this particular news item is the file photo Reuters used as part of the story. Are you effing kidding me? That is a picture of someone cutting raw meat, yes? Holy crap it is both disturbing and hilarious that that's the picture they chose. When it first came up I totally freaked the eff out not knowing exactly what it was. For a split second I thought, "How did they get a picture of THAT?" Thankfully they used good taste and just went with a picture of someone cutting up meat that people would soon be eating.

In other news, I'm 30 and I love Gossip Girl.

Shirking my blogging duties

Saturday my friends and I came up with the best blog post idea ever. I was going to follow my friends around all day/night and write down all the funny quotes I overheard and put them all into one blog post. That lasted for about 10 minutes as I, shockingly, got way too drunk and started having D&Ms all over the party we were at. (D&Ms is Aloyd's term for "Deep and Meaningfuls" as in deep and meaningful conversations. But honestly how deep and meaningful can a conversation be about your favorite candy bar.)

I also got too busy listening to my friend Mike drunkenly explain to his girlfriend and Sharda, who grew up on cul de sacs, why people who grew up on cul de sacs were not well adjusted*. "It doesn't even have an end. You just keep going around and around." This conversation brought me to tears. Especially when he called them "cul de ball sacs".

So here is all I can present to you as far as quotes for the day:

"It's not about the ride. It's about the finish." - Drew, grossing me out by subsequently putting his arm around my sister and saying, "Yeah! You know!"

"You like married women. I like balls." - Steph to Aloyd

"The Blo Pop is 2/3 blo, 1/3 pop." - Aloyd

"I go after ribs." - Andy, Paul's 9 year old son after someone pointed out to him that his face was covered in barbecue sauce.

Clearly we were off to a good start. I'm sorry I couldn't finish the job. If it helps I was wearing a visor that lights up.

*Mike called Sharda the next day to assure her she was well adjusted which really just makes the whole thing funnier.

Happy No One Will Marry You Week!

Did you know it's National Unmarried and Single Americans week? You didn't? Maybe that's because that's the lamest thing you could ever celebrate. Seriously WTF? I don't need a week to remind me that I have no one to cook for me or kill the spiders.

Here's an article about it written by a slightly bitter chick who just broke up with her boyfriend and with whom, honestly, I would like to hang out. Of course this "holiday" week was invented by people in Ohio. Jesus H., Ohio, what are you doing. You're embarassing me.

The best part of the article are the quotes by a dating expert*:

"This week single people are finally given permission to actually get out and enjoy themselves," the expert explained.

You guys, I'm finally allowed to have fun this week! Thank God. I have been sitting at home doing nothing all year as evidenced by this blog. And now I can finally cut loose. Any suggestions on how to have fun, expert?

"Get a good night's sleep, hang out with friends, or go for a great haircut."

Easy, expert! Let's not get crazy here. I still have to get up and work tomorrow LOL wink wink! (Doesn't that expert seem like someone who would use LOL and wink wink in an email?)

Anyway this is clearly all nonsense. I don't need a week to celebrate the great things about being single as that is what I do every single day of my life-obviously. But I do think we should all get together and get haircuts. However, we should try to be done by 9pm so we can get a good night's sleep.

*How exactly does one become a dating expert? Is "dating expert" code for "slut"?

Signs you might be drunk after tailgating for the Browns game*:

1. You pee into a bucket inside a little tent with all your friends standing outside of it talking to you.

2. You yell at 12 year olds for having no manners and tell them that if their football comes anywhere near you again you will throw it in the pee bucket.

3. While walking to the game, you let strangers drink some of your drink. Strangers who you're pretty sure are not 21 yet thereby making you a criminal.

4. Also while walking to the game you look across the street to yell at Meg and walk directly into a parking meter**.

5. You, a person who hates beer with everything inside you and hasn't had a drop in 11 years, drinks beer at the game because you are so wasted and don't want it to end ever and your sister is a really bad influence.

6. After sitting in the sun all day, you have a football helmet shaped tan line on your face-the result of an ill conceived plan that involved putting a fake tattoo on your right cheek.

7. The people who lived down the street from you growing up and babysat you everyday after elementary school end up sitting 2 seats down from you, and as they are passing you beer from the vendor your sister says, "Hey, Mrs. B, this is just like when you used to give us alcohol when we were at your house, remember?" Okay that's more of a sign that your sister is drunk.

*Hell yeah, Browns! Best game ever!

**For real I walked directly into a parking meter. Left boob took the biggest hit with the left side of my jaw taking a secondary hit. I didn't really know what happened till it was over, and Jen was peeing her pants. Seriously she peed in her pants a little. The best part about it-besides the guys behind us telling me it was the best thing that's ever happened to them-is that my sister was laughing so hard that literally 3 seconds later she walked into a parking meter head first.

I love tailgating.

So you think you can dance

Tonight I did something for which I am very proud of myself. I went to a step class. Big deal, right? Well it is for me. This is the first exercise class I have ever taken. I never wanted to even try them before because they scared me. It's all organized and it looks like dancing and the condensation that used to build up on the windows which was from people's sweat freaked me out.

My sister and friends were always like, "Oh I LOVE the classes! They're sooo fun!" And I always called bullshit and refused to try it claiming that "it wasn't my scene" and "I preferred to do my own thing" (eat McDonald's on my couch). Well, that is not entirely true. There is a real reason why I would never even try it.

When I was a senior in high school, I tried out for the high school musical. There was a singing audition, an acting audition and ...a dance audition. I nailed the singing audition. They told me I had the perfect voice for one of the leads. Next came the acting. I admit I have no acting talent whatsoever, but no one does in high school, and I did a passable job and they said I did fine.

Then came the dance audition.

They brought in this lady to choreograph the play and for the audition, she was going to show us one part of the play where the leads and the chorus were doing some light dance moves. So everyone got into a line, she taught us the steps one by one and then we put it all together. You guys, I can shake my booty in anyone's face, obviously, but I cannot do organized dances. It was a complete and utter disaster. I was so bad that she kept yelling out my name to tell me what to do next because I would be 10 steps late and going the wrong direction. Then in the middle of the song, she stopped the music and said, "Okay, um...Sarah? Why don't you take a seat and just watch the others do this." Holy shit. She booted me halfway through the audition. And in front of all my friends. It was horrible, and because of it I ended up not being in the play but rather playing in the pit orchestra (playing my clarinet).

It's 12 years later, and I am still not over the trauma of that moment.

So what does that have to do with an aerobics class? Um, have you ever watched those classes? It's like organized choreography. It's the same exact effing thing as trying out for that godforsaken musical and even thinking about doing a class made me want to run home, put on a flannel, listen to Gin Blossoms and cry to my Jonathan Brandis poster.

But my goal lately is to make some life changes-be responsible for my own happiness and all that jazz (we'll come back to this at a later date)-and one of those changes is working out. I joined the rec near my house, and Diane encouraged me to try a class and said she would do it with me. I finally decided to show my high school self that I wasn't completely useless when it came to organized kind-of-choreographed moves. And what I found out is that I'm still completely useless.

Just kidding. I actually did okay. I can't do all the hand moves yet, and when I try I look like a retarded monkey. So I stuck to the footwork to start. I'd give myself, as a newbie, a B-/C+. But anything that slightly resembled a dance move was, of course, a disaster. Also there were things she called cheerleader moves that I was horrible at. There is a reason I was not a cheerleader. Actually there are about a hundred reasons why I wasn't a cheerleader not the least of which is that I thought I would get way more guys if I was in the pep band instead. Guys at sporting events are all about the band chicks.

The great thing about this particular class was that there were only like 8 people in it-all women, all my mom's age. It was glorious. They were so nice and supportive, as moms often are. They told me I did a good job for having never been to any class before and then they told us, "You guys HAVE to come back!" God I love moms.

All in all, I'd say that I think I did a pretty good job of facing my fear of organized movement routines. Plus the workout was really good, and I didn't even notice I was working out because I was concentrating so hard on getting the moves down the whole time so that she wouldn't make me sit down and watch.

However, I can already tell that in about 6 hours, I will be completely unable to move. I am going to need one of you to come over in the morning with a wheelbarrow and roll me to work. I can offer you payment in the form of pizza flavored Goldfish crackers. Any takers?