Come and knock on our door

I'm not feeling well, but I couldn't let the passing of two men who play prominent roles in my childhood memories go by without comment.

Darren McGavin, you were brilliant.










Don Knotts, you were and always will be the effing man.

Stuff I wanted to tell you

- Regarding Grey's Anatomy: I wanted to write something about how everyone's down on my girl Meredith, and I think it's unfair. I know she seems mopey, but it's just not that easy to get over someone you love. You want to get over it faster, but life just doesn't work that way. It might not make for good television which is maybe what the problem is (though I disagree), but it is realistic and true to life. That's why my heart just goes out to her. Also she's not just going through the thing with McDreamy. Think about the burdens placed on her by the issues with her parents. Unimaginable to me. At any rate, what I'm trying to say is read the latest post at the Grey's Anatomy blog by the writer who wrote the episode. She says what I mean so much more eloquently than I can which I guess is why she's a writer for the show, and I'm not. If I was a writer on the show the dialog would go something like this:

Alex: I totally want to make out with Okay Seriously.
McDreamy: Yeah I know. Me too. Totally.
Bailey: I will kick everyone's ass in here because I am the best character on TV.

Or something to that effect. This is just a rough draft.

- Just a quick update about my exciting personal life: you may remember I confessed to you guys (against your will) my OCD tendency to count the number of strokes under each armpit when I put on deoderant in the morning. Well, I bought a different kind since my invisible solid is anything but invisible. The new one is a clear gel, and I'm not going to lie-it scares me. It's very wet, and it makes me nervous. However, as a result of this purchase I am free from my deoderant-stroke-counting chains. Hallelujah.

- I would like to publicly praise Mufflet for participating in a fundraising event for the Easter Seals charity last week. Namely she auctioned herself off. If you think about it, what she actually did was live up to her name (Hor) by selling her body for money. And I was all for it.

I have never been to a human auction before. Mainly because it seems illegal. It was strange. You could tell there were some people there for fun and to really raise money for charity (us), and then there were the ones who were so clearly there to meet their husband or wife (Sharda. Just kidding-calm down, Sharda). And then there were the creepy old perv men who were trying to pick up hot chicks that were too young for them and presumably chop them up into little pieces and dump them in Lake Erie. I mean that's just speculation on my part, but I don't think it's too big of a leap. There were also some creepy old perv women who seemed like some seriously desperate "stage 5 clingers" (I love you, Vince Vaughn). Basically what I'm saying is you take a big risk by auctioning yourself off, and I commend Mufflet for caring so much about a worthy cause that she would essentially risk her life to help out. I'm proud of you, Mufflet, and I can't wait till you do it next year. I'm crossing my fingers you won't get a serial murderer for a date. Then again it would make a good blog post.

Arts and crafts: Part 2

You may remember we turned Diane, Steph and Kim's refusal to take down their Christmas tree into a project: the holiday tree. We decorated it for Valentine's Day back at the end of January. Well tonight we had our second tree decorating committee "meeting" and decorated it for St. Patrick's Day.

In light of what happened to Diane last time, we decided to skip the sparkling white wine in favor of alcohol that didn't require a corkscrew. In fact I didn't drink at all because I didn't really trust Diane or Steph to give me a broken glass-free beverage.

Without the wine we figured the St. Patty's Day decorating party would go off without a hitch. And it did. Not. Before we even started decorating it, Steph, who is I think 5'1' or 5'2"-something ridiculous which allows us to yell, "Steph is short!" without her being able to argue-started to take the Valentine's Day decorations off. To do this, she stood on the recliner and just bent the tree down to her. The tree was pretty much perpendicular to the ground which is why none of us were surprised when we heard a huge cracking noise.

Yes, Steph broke the holiday tree. It wouldn't stand up anymore. It just wanted to fall forward. For a minute we thought about just having Sharda hold it up 24/7, but she took issue with that solution (baby) so Steph came up with another one:
















She tied it to the window treatments with big gold ribbon. Sharda said, "Now this is classy." And Steph said, "Do you really think decorating a tree for St. Patrick's Day is classy?" Oh and I know what you're thinking: yes those are window treatments-not vomit-around those windows. It's easy to get that confused.

We decided the gold ribbon holding up the tree was a perfect metaphor for St. Patrick's Day. On St. Patricks' Day we are drunk and also need to be held up. What a beautiful physical representation of that concept.

After this fiasco, we did the normal routine. Made ornaments and decorations out of construction paper, posterboard, coloring books, crayons, markers, etc*. When I say "we" I mean everyone else besides me. I, of course, wrote limericks about my guy friends and contributed nothing to this end product:




















Steph and Diane also created a game:















If you can't read that it says "Pin the Penis on Parker O'Tool" (we once saw a stripper named Parker). Steph made the game board. My sweet little baby sister made the "game pieces". The object of the game is to...okay listen. If you don't get the object of the game with that name, drop your mouse and go get fitted for a helmet (Bob).

We decided to try it out. Kim just "happened" to have this lying around:















She says it's to help her sleep. Sure, Kim. What you do in your own bedroom is up to you. We're going to use the Don't ask, Don't tell policy here and leave it at that.

Then we played. Diane was in charge of spinning us until we almost threw up. The we looked like this:















We even made Drew play with us. When all was said and done, Christy won, obviously, because she is a giant slut. Steph, Diane and Kim-occupants of the apartment-all did badly. All I'm saying, fellas, is for a good time don't call that apartment.

Oh and judging by where Drew and Diane put theirs (Drew's circled in red, Diane's in blue), I would say you have nothing to worry about, Mom and Dad.
















*Is it sad if I call making stuff out of construction paper and glue sticks "the normal routine" at age 29?

GA should be on every day

Since I found out about Addison in season one of "Grey's Anatomy" I have been wondering what in the hell made her cheat on McDreamy. Clearly she had some sort of brain disease that incapacitated her mentally as McDreamy is funny, hot, talented, amazing-the whole package. Then last night I saw the man she cheated on him with, Mark, and I was like, "Ooooooohhhhhh. Okay. Now I kind of get it." Holy. Eff. That man is be-autiful. My goodness. Nicely cast, Grey's writers. A+. Oh and thank you soooo much for the scene of him without a shirt. It's almost like you put it in there for me personally.

Some other quick hits:
- When that kid with the facial tumors died, I was a mess.
- Bailey talking to her baby in a baby voice about brain surgery was amazing.
- It's unfortunate that I was really starting to like Addison, and now I have to hate her since she keeps sleeping with every hot guy.
- Preston's speech to Christina at the end was so great. She needed to hear all of that, and I'm glad he finally stood up to her. He's pretty-just FYI.
- Alex and Izzie = still doing it = Sarah still happy

Can we just talk about the ending of GA tonight? I am feeling...kind of like I need to take a shower. That is how awkward and uncomfortable I was with happened at the end. I was hiding under a blanket last week when I knew hot bomb squad guy was about to get blown to smithereens. And I was hiding under a blanket tonight when Meredith started......undressing George. Oh God. I can hardly even say it. Ew, GA. Ew. George is FANTASTIC. He's sweet and dorky and vulnerable and kind. He really is great, and what he said to her at the end was honestly wonderful. But he and Meredith do not fit. At all. I felt like I was watching him with his older sister. Seriously ew.

P.S. I still love you, GA. Always and forever.

Updates

Work: Draining my will to live

Valentine's Day: So much fun. I exaggerate my bitterness toward this holiday. To be perfectly honest I've never put much stock into it as a legitimate holiday. It's nice and cute and a good way to remind us to take a minute and tell the people we love that we love them, but that's it. Besides I had like 12 Valentine dates so I'm awesome. And kind of slutty. Also I learned something on Valentine's Day: lesbians don't have it any easier. Apparently girls play the same BS games that guys do. Same shit, different sex. So that means my Plan B is pretty much shot to hell. Christy's response to this news was, "I'm not surprised. I mean I wouldn't want to date me."

Lost: I need to talk privately with some of the castaways.

Sayid, first of all you're a badass, and we all know it. But I think you need to get some counseling for your anger and grief at losing Shannon. Clearly you aren't dealing with it all that well. Secondly, I see what you're trying to do with Charlie. Why are you breaking up the group, Sayid!!!??? Not cool! Everyone's fighting and being mean to each other. I don't like what I'm seeing. We are a family goddammit! Let's act like it!

Locke, are you good or evil!? I can't tell! My money's on evil, but I'm hoping I'm wrong because I kind of heart you.

Jack, you're so hot, but why so pissy all the time? Diane says you need to get laid. I agree. And I think I am the one to help you with that. Yes-I'll take one for the team and do you on the hatch bunk bed. It's my duty.

New hot air balloon guy, I wish you weren't a liar. You might as well have a tattoo that says "I'm an Other!" on your forehead. A hot air balloon!? Please!!

Previews for the next episode: HOLY EFFING CRAP!!!!!

Next episode: Not on for like 3 weeks. WTF??

This past weekend: We went skiing at Holiday Valley. It was a blast. Especially watching Bob and Drew try to ski for the first time. They did very well for first timers. Drew fell a lot. But he made himself feel better by pushing Diane over. I hadn't skiied in 10 years so I am just now able to walk without a limp. Holy crap-what the hell muscles do you use to ski? Because obviously I haven't used them in quite some time. Here's how we spent most of our time on our big skiing weekend:

That's right. Dancing around the table in our pajamas. Right now you're wondering 2 things:

1 - Are those Christmas decorations?
2 - Is that girl doing the robot?

The answers are yes and yes. The entire town was still decorated for Christmas. Which means that basically I was in heaven. And that girl is my friend Kim, and she is wearing a Michael Jackson glove while also doing the robot so basically I was in heaven.

When we weren't dancing we were hanging out under the mosquito net:














Okay seriously owner of house we rented, a mosquito net? Is that really necessary? Diane said it creeped her out. I can't tell who that is flicking me off so I will just say eff you too, buddy.

The second night it got a little uncomfortable when Drew and Kevin went into the jacuzzi by themselves. Brokeback Hot Tub, you guys. That's all I'm saying. I don't have a picture of that because I was too busy dancing and playing air xylophone to Toto's "Africa".

One more thing I want to say. My friend Bob is normal:

Oh-this day again?

Ah great-another Valentine's Day. The day we celebrate St. Valentine-the patron saint of making single people feel like shit. I'm not sure if that's exactly historically accurate, but its close enough.

This year I will be spending it with friends at a place called Herb's Tavern. Yeah that's right. Valentine's Day at Herb's Tavern. Who's jealous?

Seriously, though, I know I will have a good time just like I did last year. My sister already gave me a bottle of Bailey's in celebration. And before you ask, no-my life does not revolve around alcohol. Okay that's not true.

I was reading this excerpt from a book about what single people should say to people who ask them why they are single. One of the "snappy comebacks" was "because Buddha is single".

1. What the hell kind of question is 'why are you single'? If somebody asked me that I would say, "Why can't you create normal and appropriate conversation?" Either that or, "Eat a cock." Depends on how many vodka and cranberries in I am.
2. It's true. The reason I am single is because Buddha is.

Then I saw this article about 10 ways to spend a dateless night. Here are some of the suggestions they made:

- Clean a closet, drawer or file
- Work out
- Sign up for a class
- Paint a room

WTF? Can't I do something fun? This sucks. That's not how I want to spend any night-date or no date.

My favorites were:

- Realize that it's his loss that he hasn't found you yet.
- Don't project. You will only be dateless for the rest of your life if you think you will be.

Who the hell writes this stuff? Those are activities I'm supposed to do when I don't have a date? How about "not spend all your time thinking about having a boyfriend because believe it or not, iVillage, that's not all I think about". Or maybe even an actual activity like "watch a movie". Don't project. Honestly. I hope you feel me projecting my hatred towards you, author of stupid article.

Anyway, I wish a very Happy Valentine's Day to everyone out there-single or not. If you're not, have fun going out to dinner and eating chocolate and getting busy. If you are, have fun cleaning out your closet and projecting.

Goddammit Valentine's Day sucks.

Grey's Anatomy, you....complete...me.

Last night's episode of "Grey's Anatomy" was amazing. I honestly can't believe how much I love this show. It's ridiculous.

Don't read if you haven't seen it:

- Addison is great, but she and Derek do not make sense. He belongs with Meredith. Addison needs to get a different man. Maybe someone a little older and not one who will break up one of my favorite TV couples.

- Christina + Burke = awesome. I love them together.

- To the Grey's Anatomy writers: if you would've killed off Bailey's husband, I would've come to your houses and punched each of you in the neck.

- Alex and Izzie = having sex = amazing = happy Sarah. Cancel what I said about punching you in the neck, writers.

- McDreamy, that's right. Keep thinking about the good times with Meredith. She's pretty, isn't she? And smart and funny and totally in love with you. Just seriously-get back with her already.

- The moment with George convincing Bailey to push was one the sweetest moments I've seen on TV.

- I absolutely knew that explosion was coming. I knew it. I saw it in my head. I braced myself for it. And when it happened, I went into cardiac arrest and shat myself. Holy crap-that was awful. I can't stop seeing it over and over in my mind.

Are you kidding me

Come on, people! I thought we knew better than this.

GNC

As part of Shop Dungs' new Body for Life project, he keeps buying stuff from GNC. Things like Myoplex protein shakes and protein "cookies" that are painful for me to even watch him eat. They so obviously taste like ass.

I have never been in GNC. This may be shocking for people who know me seeing as I am totally into nutrition and my body. (Note: In this case when I say "nutrition" I mean "vodka".) But it's true. They sell a lot more than protein shakes there. For instance, did you know they sell cleanser? A lot of different kinds, too.

Here we have Colon Cleanse with an extremely appetizing picture of a colon on the front:





















If you're interested in cleaning a different part of the body, how about some Ultimate Urinary Cleanser? Seriously it's the Ultimate. And it's cranberry flavored. Mmmm...now you want some, don't you?























Or if you're really having trouble, it's time to bring out the TripleCleanse.


















Week 1: Colon Prep
Week 2: Colon Flush
Week 3: Colon Renew

During week 2 you might want to stay away from public places and the leather interior in your car. Oh and heat lamps. Not that your bum would be near any heat lamps, but I'm just saying. I don't know your personal habits, and applying heat would only make things worse.

Shop picked up some other performance enhancing drugs. He had trouble deciding on which brand:


















Erox? It promised hard-core performance, but what could be more hard-core than a rhino? Oh did I mention they were male enhancement drugs? Did I really need to? Ultimately, Shop decided on Alpha Male Plus:

















I think it was the picture of the bull on the front. How can that not convince you that this drug is legit? Especially that specific bull. He looks like he's 700 years old and ready to be put down. Just like I like my men.

Shop grabbed one more thing on the way out:

























As if I needed more proof that this store is not at all ridiculous and sells practical products, we also saw this:




















That's right-Sylvester Stallone's high protein pudding. There is most certainly a dirty joke here, but I will let you guys come up with it yourselves. I am a lady.

True story

"Hello?"

"Hey, Dad. It's Sarah."

"Hey, sweetie. What's up?"

"Ummm…..I have a unique problem."

"Okay…"

"I'm locked…inside my car."

"You're locked….inside….your car. Inside? Inside your car?"

"Yes. I'm locked inside my car."

"Oookaaay…"

"See I parked my car in the parking garage, and I went to open the door, and it was locked. So I pressed the Unlock button. The lock unlocked halfway then quickly locked itself again. I did that about 20 times, then I tried my remote thingie. The same thing happened. Then I tried to unlock it manually by pulling the little lever thing. It wouldn't move. Here I will try everything again."

Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick.

[Pause to watch people walk by who are clearly thinking 'What the hell is she doing in there?']

Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick.
Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick.
Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick.

[Start to pause for more people walking by. Remember that maybe they can't hear the clicking because it's not as loud outside the car as it is inside the car.]

Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick.
Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick.
Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick.
Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick.
Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick. Click-clickclick.


[Remember that my lights are blinking with every single click. Am quite certain that every single person walking by thinks I am a) insane or b) having a seizure. Stop trying to unlock it and pretend I am sitting in car to finish listening to a song on the radio.]

"Yeah I can't get out."

"Okay well roll your window down and try to unlock it from the outside using your key."

[Roll down window. Put key in lock. Key doesn't move. Think about possibility of crawling through window. Think about possibility of getting stuck. Think about possibility of having to explain that to people walking by.]

"Holy crap-how am I going to explain this to my boss?"

[Begin imagining rest of life inside car. Driving into conference rooms. Having wedding in garage. Raising family inside car. Passing children through windows.]

"Try it one more time with the key."

[Put key in lock again. Door unlocks! Jump out of car while I still can.]

"I'm out! I'm out!"

[Two days later have to pay $150 to fix a broken door handle. Feel anally raped.]

Superbowl 2006

The Game: A quick recap
- Tom Brady is absofrickinlutely ridiculous. My God that man is pretty. It's too bad he has nothing going for him, though. Ugly, poor, untalented, no hot girlfriend. How sad for him.
- The Seahawks didn't play great. They definitely didn't play the way I have seen them play. Still-I love you, Seahawks. U + me = 4ever
- This was honestly some of the worst officiating I have ever seen in my life.
- With no offense intended to my readers in Pittsburgh or to my fellow Miami University alum, Big Ben Roethlisberger, of whom I am very proud: I fucking hate you, Steelers. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
- Steve Young is still do-able. In a big way.

The Commercials: A quick recap
All Budweiser/Bud Light commercials were fantastic as usual. But nothing tops the Mastercard commercial with MacGyver. You can see it here. It is amazing.

Rolling Stones: A quick recap
Will these guys ever stop touring? Seriously they are going to end up playing at their own funeral. Which, incidentally, might be pretty soon judging by what I saw tonight. Looking a little ragged-that's all I'm saying. Keith Richards is a walking corpse. And I don't even think the drummer had teeth. Gerbs saw the plastic walls around him and said, "I think that's the plastic they encase him in at the museum."

Grey's Anatomy: A quick recap
Ho.Ly.Crap. So many things to absorb. Alex and Izzie. Bailey's baby. Bailey's husband. Meredith and a bomb! A bomb!!!! And I have to wait a whole week to see what happens. Stupid two-part cliffhanger. God I love this effing show.

Holy....

Oh........my........God.

State of the P.U.nion

Have you guys seen those commercials-I think they're for Budweiser-where this normal average Joe guy does "extreme" challenges? He's always in a helmet, and he starts off by saying, "Today I will be attempting to stay at work 2 full minutes past 5pm on a Friday." Or "Today I will attempt to actually listen to my girlfriend talk for 5 whole minutes." Then they show him doing it, and he's like groaning and grunting and sweating and struggling to do it. When the challenge is over he falls to the ground, and all his friends run up and one has a towel, one has a beer, one is checking his vitals, one is saying, "Give him some room, people!" They are absolutely hilarious commercials.

That is me during the State of the Union. I started out like, "Today I will attempt to watch at least 5 minutes of the State of the Union." Thirty seconds later I was sweating and grunting and freaking out. The only difference is that when I completed the challenge no one was there to give me a towel or a beer. But I was wearing a helmet.

Thank God for the WB who knows that nobody is going to tune to their channel to watch it anyway when they can watch it on NBC, ABC or CBS so instead of airing it they just air their regular programming. It's like they said, "Listen we know there are a bunch of irresponsible TV-obsessed lazy pieces out there just looking for something else to watch. Let's put Jensen Ackles in a dirty sex scene on "Supernatural" and really stick it to the State of the Union." Your plan worked perfectly, WB. I love you. And I love Jensen Ackles.