I know how to read

Since my friends and I are now old and mature (see: every post I've ever posted here), we have started a book club. I have never been in a book club before. My mom is in one, and after almost every meeting I get a call like this, "So guess what Sharon told me at book club last night [insert gossip about someone from my high school here]." And that's awesome. But what's most awesome is that you can always tell my mom had a great time. So when Shannon asked if I wanted to be in one, I was game.

Last night was our first meeting. We read "Angels & Demons" by Dan Brown since most people had already read it, and we wanted to ease everyone into the process. Here are my thoughts on book club.

How it was like school:
- We had to introduce ourselves (there were some new people) and when I said, "As long as we don't have to say a "fun fact" that's fine." immediately Suz was like, "Okay you have to say a fun fact about the person next to you." Dammit Suz.
- Shannon gave us star stickers after we introduced ourselves.
- Shannon prepared questions for discussion! (Did I mention Shannon is a former teacher?)
- We actually talked about the book.
- At 10pm Tuesday night I was only 141 pages into the 568 page book so I scrambled and finished it by 6:30pm yesterday-the time when I was supposed to be at Shannon's house.

How it was not like school:
- I was awake.
- We had wine. And a chocolate fountain. Seriously.
- I wanted to be there.
- I was allowed to swear and make fun of Tom Hanks without someone calling me a smartass and telling me to take off my hat and/or stop chewing gum.
- There was no wrong answer.
- It was fun.

When it started I was really nervous because we were actually talking about the book, and I was like, "Oh my God people are giving their opinion about the book. This is weird. Shouldn't we be talking about hot guys and getting drunk?" But then it was really interesting and obviously my friends are awesome so it was really fun. Shannon, I know you were all nervous about it, but it went great and everyone had a good time. You are super cute and fun and did a good job.

Ladies, we are officially not young anymore, and I expect that very shortly I'll be calling my mom and saying, "Oh my gosh guess what Sharda told me at book club last night [insert gossip about one of my friends here]."

P.S. Visit this site immediately. It's effing fantastic. FANTASTIC.

P.P.S. The Office and Grey's tonight. Get ready.

Cooking Thyme

Last Wednesday 9 of us girls went to this place. Basically how it works is, you go to the menu for that month, pick out 6 (or 12) things, they buy all the ingredients and set up a station for each dish. Then you go to the place, and they tell you how to put it together. It's all food you can freeze so you take it all home and put in the freezer for future consumption. Truly I have no idea how I ended up going as we all know I know nothing about cooking. I even called my mom to tell her I was going and that I was nervous, and she was like, "Yeah I mean I tried to teach you how to cook, but you really could've cared less. So good luck." Thanks, Mom. However, they give you step by step instructions and 8 of my friends were going so of course I had to go.

Oh also we were allowed to bring wine. So you know.

The ladies who worked there told us that we could bring a bottle of wine to sip on while we put all our food together, but our group interpreted that as "bring 8 bottles of wine and bags and bags of Halloween candy-oh and chips and dip in a crockpot". Seriously. Why do we turn basically every event into tailgating? After we spent a half hour eating and drinking the women who worked there were like, "Um-maybe we should start cooking because we actually have lives outside of this building and would like to spend some time with our families instead of with you drunk overeaters."

They explained how it all worked, and within seconds I was confused. I had no idea what they were talking about or what we were supposed to do. I looked around the room and was met with only looks of terror. Clearly no one knew what was going on. Someone-I think maybe Suz-had to basically take me by the hand and lead me to a station to begin. Once there it started to make sense. They literally had every step written out one by one on what to do. I mean down to the smallest detail like "put into small Ziplock bag. In a different, new, small Ziplock bag put..." Awesome. Listen-I can cook when you write it out like this. Do you hear me, Mom? Details!! This is not teaching me how to cook:

"Just throw in some spices."
"What kind?"
"You know whatever kind you have laying around."
"Well is there a kind that won't taste good with X?"
"I mean you know which ones make sense and which ones don't."
"No I don't or I wouldn't have asked. [voice is getting more panicky now] Well how much should I put in???"
"Just a little bit here and there. You'll figure it out."
Dial tone. Because I just killed myself.

At any rate I did okay despite working with some mysterious substances like "cumin" and "marjoram*" and "mixing bowls". I even made chicken cordon bleu. Like I wrapped ham and cheese in chicken and then rolled it in bread crumbs. What!? I will say I am the one who probably utilized the help of the kitchen ladies more than anyone. I had questions like, "Okay so how do I use this lemon zester thing-a-ma-jig?" and "Do I need to put red pepper flakes in this? Those are yucky." and "Which one's the teaspoon and which one's the tablespoon?" But some of their time was taken up when Suz spilled raw chicken juice all over the counter, and they had to clean it up. Thanks, Suz.

Each dish comes with specific instructions for how to actually cook it so I suppose the real test is to come. We all know my biggest nemisis is the oven. And knives. Wish me luck.

Here's a porkchop that I made:












*Incidentally this made me wish I had a friend named Marjorie so when I got all annoyed I could be like, "Dammit Marjorie." I know this seems weird, but Danielle understands.

Top 3 reasons I will be going to see The Departed

1.

















2.















3.



















Leo doesn't normally do it for me, but hot damn-he looks good in this. I mean seriously...


















He looks all tough and manly. Well done, Leo. You've come a long way since this:




















You guys that's mean.

One more thing...

I forgot to mention in my Grey's post the scene in the kitchen with McDreamy and Meredith. It was so nice and lovely, and I kind of was like, "Um-this seems like bullshit?" He said, "You have to make a choice." Aren't you forgetting something, McDreamy? You're still married. I wanted Meredith to say, "Well how about if you choose to divorce your wife first then I'll think about making a choice." Danielle and I are wondering if they are maybe Tarantinoing it. It seems like they skipped some details of the immediate aftermath of the prom-like Addison finding the panties in the first place. I mean last night it started with Meredith running out of the prom after someone and never went back to that. I'm wondering if in the next episode it goes back to right where it left off last season and we see the events leading up to yesterday's episode. Like Addison finding the panties, and McDreamy telling her it's over. So maybe last night when he was giving the "make a choice" speech to Meredith it was already over with Addison, we just didn't know it yet so McDreamy came off looking like McKindOfJackassy*. What do we think about this? Am I grasping at straws to make McDreamy come off as a really good guy still?

Also I want to point out that clearly Finn is the smarter, healthier choice for Meredith. But you know she will pick McDreamy because the heart wants what it wants, and her heart wants McDreamy. I said McDreamy 7 times in this post. Now 8.

P.S. I can't stop talking about "The Office" with people. I can't.

*Despite this he is seriously dreamy.

Is it next Thursday yet?

*Don't read if you haven't seen "The Office" or "Grey's Anatomy" yet. Or if you don't care about those shows.*

The Office
When 8:30 rolled around was anyone else just as giddy as me? I mean seriously I was so happy. Then they show Jim in another office, and it was like somebody punched me in the stomach. What the frick!? I was really angry. Until I saw that Pam didn't marry Roy then I was all, "This could get interesting." Also the fact that Jim is in another office yet still tormenting Dwight is fantastic. By the way how pathetic is Roy right now? I actually felt bad for him. Also I personally think he looks totally hot with that beard. Not that I am taking his side or anything because it is Jim and Pam forever. But still. He looks yummy.

Also Michael was so moronic yesterday that it was simply excruciating-and amazing-to watch. I think Drew was in actual physical pain during the conference room scene because it was just so uncomfortable. Steve Carrell is an effing genius!!!

Other highlights:
- Dwight fake crying about Jim leaving
- Kevin laughing into the camera after finding out Oscar was gay
- Michael calling Angela a lesbian and then saying, "Can't you picture her with another girl?" and Dwight smiling
- Creed: "In the 60's I made love to many, many, many women. Usually outside, in the mud. It's possible a man may have slipped in there. There's really no way of knowing."
- Michael: "Gay used to mean happy. When I was growing up it meant lame."
- Gaydar. I really don't need to say more than that, do I?

I was going to keep listing things, but then I realized I was about to basically write out the entire episode so I'll just say that last night's episode was top-notch, and I am SO happy it's back.

Grey's Anatomy
I thought last night's episode was really good, but it didn't really advance the story as much as I had hoped. That's mainly because I was expecting her to choose someone, and she didn't. And I'm annoyed. The scenes with Izzie were pretty upbeat, though. Not! (Yeah I did just say "Not". What's up 1992?) My favorite one was with George. I've always like Izzie and George's relationship. And personally if it was me, George is the one I would want comforting me. He's so nice.

Don't get me started on the scenes with Dr. Bailey and that poor guy from 588 A.D. who had the plague and then lost his wife. Oh my God. Heart. Wrenched out of my chest. Also Christina crying on Burke's shoulder saying, "Please don't ever die." Um...what! I was actually biting back tears because I didn't want to cry in front of Scott and John. Although John turned to me afterwards and said, "Who's that one actress? Sandra Oh? Yeah she just made me almost cry a little bit there." Awesome.

Could Alex be any hotter? The answer is no. But why doesn't he just admit he loves babies and is going to become a pediatric surgeon like Addison. I mean seriously. I think they even foreshadowed this by showing the flashback of him telling Izzie-in a condescending tone-that he assumed she would go into pedes (is that how you spell it?). I think it would make such a perfect unforeseen twist for his character. This jerky guy who thinks he's too cool for school (Yeah I said that, too) ends up being a baby doctor? Brilliant. And when I say unforeseen, I mean unforeseen by everyone but me. I never make predictions about shows, but I am making this one. If I am wrong, I will erase all traces of this post.

As far as the Meredith love triangle...how do you pick which hot medically trained guy with 5 o'clock shadow to be with? I mean seriously. If I had at least one hot medically trained man with 5 o'clock shadow after me I would be happy. But two? It's an impossible decision.

And lastly, panties on the bulletin board? Yes. Just yes.

Oh by the way, when George said to McDreamy, "I don't like you." Diane said, "Neither do I." This is now two of the hottest men on my favorite shows that Diane doesn't like-McDreamy and Jack from "Lost". You guys, it's like she's doing it to hurt me. Don't worry I'm having DNA tests done to prove we aren't related.

One last thing, when Meredith started taking off Izzie's dress John said, "I've been waiting for Meredith to undress Izzie for 6 months."

Some randoms

I was so filled with road rage this morning that not even listening to "Ditty" by Paperboy could lift me out of it. That is a dark, dark place, my friend.

Did you guys watch "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" on Monday? It's glorious. I absolutely loved it. And that's only the first episode which is always awkward because they have to set everything up. All I know is that I love Matthew Perry, and he was awesome in this so bring it on.

Tomorrow is the greatest day of all time. Do you know why? Both The Office and Grey's Anatomy start back up. On the same night. One right after the other. Holy crap. It's way too much for me to handle. We are going to Scott's house to watch it on his giant movie theater type screen in the basement. We'll be sitting on what I call the make out couch because seriously when his boys become teenagers they will totally take their girlfriends down there to make out. When Scott redid his basement I was like, "You realize you just built what is essentially going to be a sex room for your teenage boys, right?" Anyway, we are going over there to eat Scott's food and watch The Office, but Danielle and I convinced him to let us also watch Grey's Anatomy. Scott told me that if he ends up liking Grey's because of this, we are no longer friends. We'll see about that. I think once he's hooked into the McDreamy-Meredith-Chris O'Donnell love triangle he'll be singing a different tune. Also Izzie is really hot. OMG 1 more day, you guys!! I am so effing excited. And if I know you guys like I think I do, you guys are excited, too. Set your DVR/Tivo.

This past Saturday Steph went to a fundraiser for a democratic candidate. She cited reasons like "to support our party" and "to hear him speak", but the real reason she went was because Bill Clinton was going to be there. She said she was going to dress up like Monica Lewinsky and ask him to sign her boobs. All of us laughed because clearly there were going to be like a thousand people at this thing, and there was no way in hell she would even get close to him. Here are the text messages and emails we received over the next few days (I edited a couple of them to be easier to read):

9/16/06 2:22PM - Shook his hand. Touched Bill.

9/16/06 2:25PM - Shaking. Seriously. Still.

9/17/06 10:06AM - My right hand touched Bill. Seriously. It did.

9/17/06 11:21AM - Mom brilliant! told me to plaster of paris hand before I shower so I can save the remaining magic touch always [editor's note: I'm not sure what 'plaster of paris hand' means but I get the gist-her mom told her to plaster the hand before she showers]

9/17/06 7:53PM - My family revoked my phone privileges because of all the Bill calls. I am not to call again for 3 days.

9/18/06 8:41AM - Did I tell you guys that I shook Bill Clinton's hand on Saturday?

9/18/06 11:50AM - Ok, now work has put restrictions on me…I'm no longer permitted to talk about my weekend and Bill's handshake. Geesh, you think people would be more patriotic.

So basically in a matter of a couple days Steph shook her hero's hand and managed to push away her family and coworkers to the point where she was literally not allowed to talk to them. You had a busy weekend, Steph. I am really happy you got to shake Bill's hand, but please tell me you've showered since then.

We followed this guy on the highway-for way too long

I can't decide what's classier: the wolf motif on the back window or the giant ball sac hanging from the bumper?



















The best is that when we finally passed him the driver looked like a member of ZZ Top, and he had a little old lady in the truck with him. Also there were giant bull horns on the front. So I married him.

Community Education programs being offered in my area that I most likely will not be attending

Searching the Internet for Seniors (Ages 50+)

Getting Paid for Caring for Your Loved Ones

How to Handle Too Many Passions to Pick Just One

Seeing Your Past Lives

The Lipstick, The Handshake and The Wardrobe

Ukulele Workshop

Mountain Dulcimer Workshop

Harmonica Workshop

Dog Massage and Energy Workshop

Global Warming

Lake Erie Weather

Embraced by Angels ("The Crossing Over Workshop")

How to Explore a Cemetery

Pony Camp

Mother/Daughter French Hair Braiding

I'm outta luck, outta love

My friend Sudha and I have always clashed about music. And then one day in college, we discovered our mutual love for 80's hair bands. I think that's really when our friendship deepened. A few years ago he went to a Def Leppard concert and got really drunk and bought me a Def Leppard t-shirt. The next day when he was telling me about it he said, "I really have no idea why I bought that. It's not like you're ever going to wear it in public." Well au contraire, my friend, because I did just that on Tuesday night.

The concert was amazing for several reasons:

1. It was Def Leppard and Journey.
2. I was wearing a Def Leppard t-shirt.
3. Diane was wearing a bandana and french-rolled jeans.
4. John was wearing his high school Seniors shirt circa 1990.
5. The crowd itself was worth the price of admission.
6. Drew kicked over a chair while playing air guitar.
7. Oh did I mention it was Def Leppard and Journey!!

Journey went on first with their new lead singer who we referred to as Not Steve Perry. I was sure they were going to suck without Steve Perry, however, I was wrong. Not Steve Perry sounded like Steve Perry. As did the drummer. I was kind of left wondering why they even hired Steve Perry in the first place since everyone else in the band sounds exactly like him. Then I remembered Steve Perry's mullet, "Oh Sherrie" and the fact that he rules everything, and I was like-oh yeah. That's why.

Journey sounded really good. I was impressed. I felt that they dipped into their new stuff a little too often, but "Don't Stop Believin'" made it all worthwhile. Even that horrible song "Chain Reaction" that they played that made me want to kill myself. It all melted away when that song started. I half expected Steve Perry to walk out in the middle of the show to surprise us, but alas it didn't happen. Even though the singer sounded a lot like Perry, I missed the man himself. Not Steve Perry kind of reminded me of someone who probably sang a lot of Steve Perry's songs at karaoke bars before joining the band.

After a brief intermission, Def Leppard came on. I pretty much wet myself. The first half of their set was definitely not as good as the second half. During the first half they played 2 songs off their new album (but only 2 thank God), and they played a lot of really old stuff. Then the familiar intro of "Hysteria" started, and it was like they said, "Yeah okay let's get this started." After that they made an attempt on my life by playing a medley of "Photograph", "Armageddon It" and "Animal". Um hello-all in one song? Everytime they went into a new song, I would scream, "It's too much! I can't take it!" It's a miracle I survived that much adrenaline pumping through my body at one time.

One-armed drummer was in full effect. At one point, Joe introduced him (Joe=lead singer), and we all did the one-armed salute (right arm in air making fist, left arm at side). I don't really know if that's an official one-armed salute, but that's what he was doing so I decided to call it that. Diane was holding up two arms, and we were like, "That's just mean. Why don't you just throw it in his face that you have two arms."

After DL's encore of "Love Bites" and "Pour Some Sugar on Me" we made our way back to the car, changed by what we had just seen.

To sum up Tuesday night: Steve Perry is the man, "Oh Sherrie" is awesome, and I will make out with Def Leppard right now I swear to baby Jesus.

Another weekend, another attempt on my liver's life

I'm not really sure what to say about the 5 year anniversary of 9/11. I'm afraid if I try to say too much it'll come off insincere and cheesy so I'll just say that I made myself watch some 9/11 coverage because I know it's important that it stays fresh in my mind. It's a different world we live in now even though I allow myself to forget it from day to day. But not today. Today I have to remember. It still stings like it happened yesterday, those who were lost are still missed, and the people who ran into the buildings when everyone else ran out should get a special place in heaven. That's all I'm really going to say about it.

As important as remembering is the concept of "business as usual", and I have been doing plenty of that as well. Friday my sister and Drew had their first party in their new house. And it was awesome. Diane made me an Absolut and pink lemonade, and I was born anew in its glory. How have I not had this drink before. Obviously after one I needed another only when it was time to make it Diane was otherwise engaged so I was left to my own devices. I think you can imagine what happened. After I drank my version of the same cocktail, I was completely smashed and found myself drunk babbling to my mom about housewares and appetizers and the like. Apparently the recipe is not 10 parts vodka to 1 part lemonade. Just FYI.

After more of those (oh yes I kept making them-for me and for others-yikes), I opened a bottle of wine. Very much needed. Pictures of me wearing a scarf on my head and singing karaoke soon followed. All I know is even when drunk I will kick everyone's ass at Karaoke Revolution. My sore loser friends even told me it wasn't fun to play with me. To them I have one thing to say: perfect score, bitches.

Saturday morning we had to get up and play football-our first game of the season. We won. Diane was the lead scorer. I could make a joke about her being a boy here, but I'm out of them. I think we used all of them at the game. Saturday night was Anita's 30th birthday party. Wine was drunk. Mostly by me. Also I accidentally drank curdled Bailey's. I gave Anita a bottle of Bailey's, and since she's awesome she opened it at the bar and poured me a glass. I needed ice so I grabbed some from an empty glass that was once filled with Diet Coke and lime. Hi. Lime + Bailey's = Cement Mixer. Awful. Then some dumbass left their credit card at the bar. It was me. Reason #1 why I don't open tabs. Reason #2 = please see tab total.

After another night of hard partying, we had to get up and go tailgating for the Browns season opener. I will just say that waking up Sunday morning might have been my greatest accomplishment of all time. I'm really not sure how I did it. Another great accomplishment? I brought blueberry muffins to the game. Blueberry muffins that I made. Um...I don't make muffins. But I made them. And they were delicious. I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I might be the greatest muffin maker ever. I mean like among those who use the mix right out of the box.

I got buzzed at tailgating, but then my body simply refused to take in any more alcohol. It just stopped. I'm glad it finally stood up for itself rather than just taking the abuse. I don't want to talk about the actual game itself. It hurts too much. All I'll say is our offensive line is pretty good for a bunch of vaginas who can't block anything.

Sunday night I took a shower, got some Applebee's carside to go (oriental chicken rollup, no almonds obviously) and curled up on my couch. I was asleep by about 9:30. It was glorious.

Tomorrow night? Def Leppard and Journey. Seriously.

Randoms

New favorite commercial: 2 guys leave a bar and go into a pizza place and order for delivery. The pizza guy's like, "Delivery?" And they say, "Yes. Delivery." The next scene they're in the car with the delivery guy. Then they walk into the house and shut the door on the pizza guy who, thoroughly confused, knocks on the door, and the one guy opens up the door and says, "Awesome-the pizza guy's here!" And then you find out it's for Captain Morgan rum talking about not drinking and driving. So awesome.

For some reason I watched Jay Leno last night. I really have no idea why. Maybe I was punishing myself for something. Jessica Simpson was on, and I just have one thing to say: she is a complete and utter moron but her boobs are fantastic. I mean seriously they are crazy ridiculous. Afterwards I watched Conan, and Keifer Sutherland was on. Could he be any more awesome? Plus he told Conan, "I didn't get a chance to see you after the Emmy's, but I thought you did an absolutely fantastic job." and was really praising my boyfriend-I mean Conan-which means he has a good sense of humor. Also he was talking about this documentary of him managing a band and touring with them and was making fun of himself for always being drunk on video. So the answer's no, in case you are wondering, Keifer could not be more awesome. Even if he was made entirely of Salt & Vinegar Pringles, he wouldn't be more awesome than he is right now. And that's really saying something.

What does a girl have to do to download JoJo's new song (Too Little, Too Late)? Release it already, iTunes! You have the video just give me the song!! It's so damn catchy. Just give it to me. I need it.

We saw "Little Miss Sunshine" on Tuesday, and it was awesome. I loved it so much. You know how there are some scenes in some movies that just stay with you because they are so sweet and endearing? This film had several of those scenes for me. Loved it. Also I will just state for the record that I have a completely inappropriate crush on Steve Carrell. Especially with a beard. Mmmm...

Another movie I watched recently was "Shopgirl". I felt about this movie the way I felt about the book which was: Meh. It really didn't thrill me in either format. But if I had to choose I would pick the book over the movie if for no other reason than in the book I don't have to see Steve Martin having sex. Honestly, Hollywood!! I know he wrote the book, but for the love of God I saw a lot of things that really should've caused permanent blindness. Don't get me wrong-I love Steve Martin. But only when he's playing, like, a harried dad losing control of his family and surroundings in a humorous manner. Not when he says stuff like, "Basically I just want to have sex with her while I'm in town."

Scariest quote spoken to me yesterday by a coworker who I don't work with that often and doesn't know me that well: "Hey-I think I saw you at the Krusty party a few weeks ago." Um...yikes. I wanted to ask him what I was doing at the moment he saw me, but I was too terrified of the answer. Instead I just laughed and said, "I hope you didn't see me dancing [insert fake/nervous laughter]. We really loved that band. That party was fun." And I left it at that. Here's hoping he never feels the need to elaborate on the details surrounding the sighting.

Pictures of me drawn by my friends at my 4th birthday party

Jenny truly captured my hairstyle at that time. I called it The Sunray. As you can see I was wearing lipstick even back then.















I'm not sure who drew this one, but they got one thing right: I have no body. My head flows right into my fork legs.











Brian thinks I look like Marcie from the Charlie Brown comic strip.
















And Mark thinks I look like a dog as tall as the sun. Though I especially like the attention to detail on my kneecaps.
















Obviously Heather was the oldest kid at my house that day. This is actually the picture I requested be used on my driver's license.















This is by a different Heather. She was going through her "green phase" by the looks of things. It's kind of unfair, though, that she depicted my one giant oversized eye. I had hoped we could get through one birthday without calling attention to it.











Similarly Megan felt she needed to include my mustache in her drawing. I'm not sure it was entirely necessary, but I suppose it was her drawing and not mine. At least it's better than...













...Tricia's who decided to just forgo drawing me in my human form and instead drew the green ooze that flows through my veins. Not cool, Tricia. Not cool.

Crikey

More things I need to worry about:

1. Stingray heart piercings

Of course Steve Irwin was killed by a stingray. Pretty much nobody in the history of time has ever been stabbed in the heart by a stingray so of course he was. I mean honestly what other way would he go? Cancer? Hell no. Steve Irwin would've laughed at cancer. Steve Irwin would've jumped on cancer's back and wrestled it to the ground then stuck his head inside its massive razor-sharp-teeth-lined mouth and stomped on its balls until it just gave up and whimpered away into remission. It had to be by a freak animal attack. It simply had to be.

Honestly I'm really saddened by this news. I thought he was terrific. His energy was absolutely infectious, and he was truly a joy to watch. Really he was just a lovable, insane, nerdy badass.

RIP Crocodile Hunter.

P.S. Seriously though-this picture? Not normal.

Letters for September 1st

Dear Chevy HHR,
What are you? You look really weird.

Dear everyone on the road this morning,
What's up with all the GD traffic? It's the day before a holiday weekend, and traffic was worse today than any other day this week. I mean shouldn't you guys be on PTO? Come on-you deserve a day off. And I deserve to not feel homicidal while driving.

Dear Sherbs,
Thank you so much for having me over for dinner. I mean I loved the free homemade dinner, but not as much as I loved the company. And by that I mean your dog, Charlie. Just kidding. You guys are awesome!

Dear guy who called me for a reference for a former co-worker of mine,
I can't say I'm called as a reference very often, but I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to tell me that what you're looking for is someone to "keep you in line" and "wipe your butt". Someone who will "essentially be your bitch but who wants to be treated like a queen". Especially after you've already hired her. That was the single most bizarre phone conversation I've ever had. And you should meet my friends. I mean that's really saying something. I'm a little bit worried for my friend, but also I feel like she will have some awesome stories for me. You scare me.

Dear lady who snaps in meetings,
Because of you I came to the realization that I hate snappers. Don't snap when you're angry. Don't snap when you're making a point. Just quit snapping. It's really starting to piss me off. Like a small seed of rage has been planted and with each snap of your fingers it grows and grows and one day it will become so uncontrollable that I will turn into Lou Ferrigno and beat your ass. Seriously. Unless you're a Jet and you're telling me to play it cool boy, I don't want to see any snapping.