Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Professor the Conservatory...with the candlestick

So I'm not at home tonight. I'm in a hotel in the east suburbs of Cleveland. We have a couple of all day meetings out here for work so I decided to stay overnight rather than drive all the way home and back in the morning. I love hotels. This is a nice one. I'm already thinking about what I can take with me when I leave.

Tonight at our dinner they did one of those murder mystery dinner things. Do you guys know what that is? They bring in some people who play characters. You're supposed to watch all of them and learn about them. Then one of them "dies" and you're supposed to figure out who killed him or her. It's like a live action Clue game. Actually what it's really like is 7 real life talking mascots bothering me during dinner.

Listen, I don't know how much clearer I can make this. People do not want to be bothered while they are trying to eat. That is truth. That is fact. That is law. You know how when you give a dog a treat it takes it and runs away? Or if you go up to one and try to play with it while it's eating it either growls or walks away? It's the same concept with humans. Let me eat. Then we'll play your little game.

Oh also the magician loved me. That's despite the fact that I told him he was creeping me out. I think if this whole corporate job thing doesn't work out I could probably find success as a magician's assistant.

In other news, my sister and Drew have bought a house (an awesome house). This is their very first house, and it is together. As Chandler Bing would say, could this BE any more exciting?

What this means is Woodford, our beloved apartment, is no more. Kim and Steph have both moved into awesome apartments. I'm so happy for all my girls.

I don't know if I can accurately express just how big of a role Woodford has played in all of our lives. It wasn't just an apartment. It took on a life of its own. It was a friend, a character in almost every insane event we've experienced in the past 6 years.

As such, it was absolutely disgusting by the time we moved everything out of it last weekend. This past Tuesday we had a "cleaning party". I've never been to a party that was less like a party. I wanted to take pictures to show you, but I quickly realized that would be cruel to do to you. It was some nasty shiznit, and we were there for hours. That's all you need to know.

I also really wanted to put up some pictures of Woodford in cleaner (and more fun) times. However, most of them were not family-friendly, and also I am at a hotel without my camera or any pictures or a scanner or anything so I need you guys to do me a favor: dim the lights, light a candle, take out your Kenny Rogers Greatest Hits CD or really just turn on your CD player because we all know that disc is in there already and put on "Through the Years". Then just lay on your couch or bed and take in the lyrics and try to imagine our old apartment. To give you a visual, it was bright pink with dark green trim. Okay so actually just picture a watermelon, and that will be close enough.

I love you, Woodford!

Through the years
You've never let me down
You turned my life around
The sweetest days I've found
I've found with you
Through the years
I've never been afraid
I've loved the life we've made
And I'm so glad I've stayed
Right here with you
Through the years

Tuesday, June 27, 2006


Hollywood lost one of its major players last week. Eddie, the dog from Frasier. Oh I guess Aaron Spelling died, too, but I think the big news is the dog, right? I'm kidding. Without Aaron Spelling, I wouldn't have had a Halloween costume last year or an all-consuming love for Jason Priestly/Luke Perry.

Mr. Spelling, looking back at everything you gave to people like me (TV whores), I just want to say thanks and tell you that I forgive you for unleashing Tori upon the world. While you are leaving us to clean up your mess, I can't be mad at the guy who made Brenda give it up to Dylan on prom night.

Monday, June 26, 2006

It's a magical mystery tour

Saturday night at Steph's urging we went on the Mystery Barhopper Bus Tour. Essentially what it entails is you meet at a secret location (a Cleveland bar) that isn't disclosed until the day before you leave. You have 2 hours of free drinks and appetizers there, and then they drive you around in buses to several different "mystery" bars. At each bar you get complimentary appetizers. You also get free party beads - green if you're single, red if you're not.

Sounds fun, right? And it was. Sort of.

When we got to the "mystery" location immediately we were bombarded by people promoting something called Avail 4. The way the guy introduced it to us was, "It's a reality dating show." All of us were freaking out. "We get to be on TV!?!?" "Um....not exactly," he said. Then he handed us informational cards. This is the first line on the card:

"Avail 4 is a new concept play opening at Playhouse Square in September."

Concept play? No thanks. I guess what happens is they have actors onstage doing a satirical monologue about dating. Throughout the monologue they pick people out of the audience (who have been pre-selected) to essentially read their own personal ad. Seriously. This is what it says, "Avail 4 allows you to be the star of your own 60-second play by writing and performing your "personals" ad during the show." WTF?? Obviously I kept the informational card so I could blog about it.

Danielle got sucked into a conversation with the crazy producer lady which was fantastic. At one point, I heard the lady say (I'm not sure in reference to what), "It's not like that. It IS that." Honestly it doesn't matter what she was talking about. It's obvious it was annoying.

The festivities started at 5, and we were very close to being the first people there. But hey-it's drinking and eating, and that's what we do best. As the crowd started to pour in, we noticed that the average age was a bit...higher than we had anticipated. For some reason we thought we'd be the oldest ones there. Drinking bus tour-21 year old's dream, right? Apparently not as we were pretty much the babies of the night.

Then it was time for free drinks and appetizers. In our case this meant free Genesse beer and hot dogs. Seriously. Since I'm not a beer drinker this didn't help me at all. So I knew I would be spending a ton of money all night. We got there at 5. By 6 we were completely hammered. It was then we started noticing no one was talking to us. I'm not saying the two events are related, but Steph did make everyone do a shot called a cum shot and it was only like 5:30.

By about 6 they ran out of beads which makes a lot of sense since in order to go on this thing you had to pre-register so they knew exactly how many people were coming. By 6:30 I made awesome friends in the bathroom. By 7 we were using my Avail 4 informational card to write down stuff we wanted to put on the blog.

The first part of the tour was awesome as we went to a couple of downtown bars that I really like a lot. Plus we were on buses. I mean come on-that's awesome. After the second awesome bar, we got on the bus, got on the highway and started heading west. We were on the bus for a long, long, long time. Everyone was wondering where the hell we were going. Then we pulled into a place called Alexander's. It's in North Olmsted. Those of you not from Cleveland won't understand what that means, but essentially they took us 35 minutes or so out of the city into a suburb and to a restaurant. It would be like going to TGIFriday's on an effing bar tour. Not only that, we were roughly 5 minutes from where Danielle and Sharda lived. Danielle, who was completely sober except not, was asking the bus driver to just drop her off at home. As a joke she said, "We should go to Razzle's next." Razzle's is this little semi-crappy bar right by her house that has sand volleyball courts. It is small, and she had just been there the night before. Guess where we went next. Oh yeah-Razzle's. I cannot tell you how inappropriate it was that this bar was on a city bar crawl. Especially one that touts "You are guaranteed to see the best patios in Cleveland!" First of all it is way outside of Cleveland. Second of all it's a dive bar. Third of all it's called Razzle's. Danielle was so pissed. I was laughing so hard I actually had to cross my legs to keep from peeing my pants.

After that, we were all ready to head home. We were done with the bar crawl. Most of us had been hit on by some creepies, we had been drunk for well over 5 hours at that point, and we were tired. Plus every bar had run out of appetizers as if they had no idea 200 people were coming. Again I point to the pre-registering.

All in all it was pretty fun-honestly-but I don't think I would do it again. To the guy who was mean to my sister and my friends on the bus ride home: maybe a few less Big Macs and a little more punching of your esophagus would do you a little good, you POS.

I mentioned above that I had kept that information card to write stuff down that we all wanted to put on the blog. As predicted, it started off making sense and when I read it now, what I'm actually able to decipher is a disaster. I almost don't want to show these to you because they are so embarassing, but at the very least it will serve as a warning to all of you to keep your drinking under control. So with that, I present to you "Things we wrote down on the Avail 4 information card with some explanation where I can provide it":

- Kim: "If only it really tasted like that." After the cum shot.
- Me and Loyd touched tongues
- I made friends in the bathroom
- Sharda undress Diane (I'm only 75% positive the word I wrote down is "undress")
- Steph motorboated my chest
- Hayden kissed eye
- Sharda pulled Danielle's pants down
- Matt touched boobs
- Milhouse and me are married
- Bartender partied with us
- Danielle and Loyd had sex at Thirsty Parrot
- Danielle: "I need T-Bell"
- Steph: "Diane made me wet." I actually do know what this is about. Diane spilled her drink all over Steph, and that is what Steph screamed
- Kim: "I just lost my mind."
- Me: "I need to change my diaper. I made boom boom."
- "Drink my appetizer." Since they ran out of appetizers everywhere we went, Danielle and I were calling my cranberry and vodkas appetizers.
- Sharda punched Diane

After writing all of these, I realized a couple of things. 1 - that I only recall about 4 of them actually happening and 2 - my girlfriends and I might be lesbians. So basically I'm not drinking for a long time (3 hours) because this is absolutely ridiculous.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Some things

- I registered on the other day. I can't really remember why, but I'm pretty sure it had to do with finding out more about the Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie, and I couldn't do that unless I signed up. Anyway, you register then they send you an email to complete the registration. This is what the email said:

"Hey. Thanks for joining our Adult Swim Fan Collective. We're flattered and totally ready to take things to the next level. To finish what "The Man" calls the "Registration Process" for [email address], please take the following step...Click on [this link]. If this e-mail was sent to you in error, we are idiots. Enjoy your rocket ship!"

Holy awesome, Batman. Do you see why I am obsessed with Adult Swim??

- When I was a little kid, we used to write up surveys for each other and interview each other as if we were famous and a whole bunch of other dumb stuff. I have no explanation-it's just what we used to do. I found one of these survey things. I'll be honest-I can't tell if someone wrote it for me to fill out or if I wrote it for myself to fill out. Either way it makes me a loser. I was 10.

1. What is your favorite show? Growing Pains
2. What is your favorite game? Monopoly
3a. What is your favorite name for a girl? Sarah
3b. What is your favorite name for a boy? Kirk
4. What is your favorite movie? Like Father Like Son
5. What is your favorite season? Summer

As you can see, my obsession with Kirk Cameron was in full gear. Also what 10 year old's favorite game is Monopoly? I don't even think I understood it fully back then. I mean I barely understand how the hotels work now, and it's almost 20 years later.

- I found the most awesome thing in one of my memory boxes. Observe:

That is most definitely my mom's handwriting. And that is most definitely a homemade calendar with a picture of a toilet at the top. Yes, ladies and gentleman, that is a potty training calendar. It appears I received a star every time I used the potty. How effing awesome is my mom? Seriously this is the greatest thing I've ever seen. I can't believe she cut out a picture of a toilet from a magazine and put it on there. The whole calendar is tied to a string which means it was hung up somewhere in the house. I think the best part is that after less than 2 weeks, it appears I just gave up on using the toilet. And that brings me to today's confessional: I am not potty trained. Wow-it feels good to finally say it. I've been living with this secret for so long. The junior high years were the toughest-too big for kid diapers, too small for adult diapers. Perhaps I should try implementing this potty training calendar again to see if I have more success with it now. I don't care what age you are, receiving star stickers is still a good motivator.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006


It's officially the BEST. DAY. EVER.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

My hand hurts

Pop quiz time. Tonight I spent 3 hours of my life doing what:

A. Drinking wine
B. Watching "The Office" which is saved on my DVR
C. Reading "The DaVinci Code"
D. Lint-brushing, vacuuming and steam cleaning a futon mattress

And the answer is…..D. I put A-C to trick you but, sadly, D is the correct answer. I will tell you why I was doing it later, but I'll just say it was for Diane and Drew, it was necessary and it fucking sucked.

There was a "Friends" episode that was one of my favorites where Phoebe gives Chandler and Monica a Ms. Pacman as a wedding present. One day Chandler stays home from work to play it all day. He sets all the high scores so each time he goes to type in the initials, he makes dirty words*. He goes to hi-five Monica about it and can't straighten his fingers. His hand is stuck in the "gaming position":

That is what my hand looks like right now after all that steam cleaning. Its curved shape is perfect for using a mouse or feeling up a woman's chest, but that’s about it. Typing is tough-I'm not going to lie.

In other news, on Memorial Day weekend I did something I have never done before. I planted flowers. It's true-I have never planted flowers before. I used to help my mom plant hers, and by help I mean I planted one flower and then played with the dog. As a homeowner, I felt it was something I should try. A lot of people find gardening calming and soothing. Um…who the fuck are these people? Calming and soothing are two words I would use to describe a massage. Not dripping sweat and digging through soil for 2 hours.

Seriously it is not fun. I think it might have been fun for my neighbors who had to watch my big ass bend over in sweatshorts, though. I had no idea what I was doing, and bees tried to kill me. Also so did this thing:

In case you can't tell what that high quality picture is, it's a slug that I found hiding inside one of the plants. Obviously he was lying in wait until he could start his deadly attack on me, but I found him before the bloodshed could begin. I thought about pouring salt on him to watch him shrivel up, but then I remembered that I am not an 11 year old boy. So instead I flicked him onto the sidewalk and then kept almost stepping on him with my bare feet and screaming each time. So while I am not an 11 year old boy, I am, in fact, an 11 year old girl.

This flower hates me:

So it has been 3 weeks, and they are still alive. That is a miracle.

By the way when I have kids you will receive similar updates ("Well, it's been 3 weeks and so far I haven’t managed to kill my child.")

While I didn't enjoy the planting process, I concede that it really didn't take that long and that part of the problem might have been that I picked the hottest weekend of the entire year to do it. Also I absolutely love how they look. They lift my spirits when I come home, and I like taking care of them-usually. In fact I met a new neighbor the other day while I was out tending to them. She lives two condos over, and unfortunately I didn't see her sitting on her driveway until after I had actually talked out loud to my flowers. I tried to fix the situation by joking about it, but I'm sure 30 seconds after going inside she told everyone she knows that she lives by the Flower Whisperer.

*By the way, this episode has one of my favorite lines ever of the series, and I don't know why. Monica sees what Chandler has done to all the high scores,

Monica: Chandler, why would you do that?
Chandler: Because it's awesome.

How come this is every man's reason for doing anything?

Friday, June 16, 2006

You think you know, but you have no idea

A few weeks ago I was at Diane's place, and we were cleaning out the attic. I haven't lived there in 2 years. I had almost more stuff than she did up there. Two of the boxes that were unearthed were more of my "memory boxes". Jackpot, people. There is some good stuff in there which I will share with you over time. One of the first things I found was my very first diary.

Now, this blog offers everyone an inside look into my life. And by "my life" I mean "all the times I drink or do something stupid" which, sadly, is mostly what my life is comprised of. But now we have an even bigger sneak peak into who Sarah is or was with this new discovery. Reading through it, I'm fairly sure this will be worth money someday. I compare it to Anne Frank's diary in that it offers up a unique perspective as to the events happening during that era. And if you think I'm a good writer today (i.e., I never use the words "totally" or "awesome"), just wait till you see the writing prodigy stuck inside my preteen body.

With that I give you excerpts from my very first diary, a small red book covered in hearts and teddy bears with a lock that doesn't really lock. I've copied everything exactly how it was written except for where I scratched out every other goddamn word:

Dec. 6, 1985 (now age 9)
I got a camera, a radio, a mug, this diary, 2 barbies, a my little pony, boggle, slippers, socks, clothes and a nice jewelry box for my birthday. My birthday was kind of boring. [editor's note: spoiled brat]

Dec. 13, 1985 3rd 9
Josh now knows that me and Amber like him. And now he smiles at us constantly. Amber fantes and I get under a spell and just stare. [ed. note: Josh is Josh B. who plays a recurring role throughout this diary-and throughout my life-as being the hottest most amazing boy from the 'Ville. Ever.]

April 2nd, 1986
We went to the library and made food and water bowls and container for pound puppys, Scruffy and Fee-Fee. We had a pinic and made a Pound Puppy Club (PPC) for people with pound puppys only.

April 18th
Jill slept over.

Dec. 22, 1986
I have 6 posters hung up in my room.

Jan. 24, 1987
Dear Diary I forgot to say Happy New Year!! By the way, I fell in love with the guy in Iron Eagle (the movie). I don't know what his name is but I'm going to find out. When I do, I'll tell you. Catch ya later. Love, Sarah

May 14, 1987
I hate the guy from Iron Eagle. Total barf bag.

July 18, 1990
Hey! Wuz up? It's about 12:20 in the morning and I'm in bed. Tomorrow I'm dumping Lenny [ed. note: name has been changed]. I hate him. He gets mad at me if I want to do something w/ my friends. I go "Excuse me, but my whole life does not evolve around you." [ed. note: evolve] Like just the other day he got mad at me cuz me + Andrea + Mandy walked over to Booey's house cuz Andrea's obsessed w/ him. Lenny thought I was cheating on him! What a dickhead! He thinks he owns me or something. What a dork. His attitude really stinks. And plus all his friends hate me, all of my friends hate him, I hate all of his friends + he hates all of my friends.

July 19, 1990
Hey! What's happening? I dumped Lenny this morning. He probably hates me now. Now I'm going with Chris. [ed. note: slut]

July 21, 1990
I dumped Chris 2-day. It wasn't bad, but when he kissed me yesterday I knew I shouldn't be giong w/ him. We're just really good friends now. [ed. note: slutty tease]

Only 27 months 'til I drive!! I have 85 NKOTB posters on my walls! I heart Socket Wrench. He's a 15 year old 7th grader.

The diary ends the first day of 9th grade where I admit that I don't like the New Kids quite as much as I used to, that I'll be driving in a little over a year, that "Beverly Hills 90210" is my favorite show and that I'm going to the mall.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Can't believe it's already been a whole year

I forgot to mention that last Friday, June 9th, marked the one year anniversary of me being a homeowner. I closed on my condo that day in 2005. I remember right after I closed I rolled around on my carpet and then almost puked from panic. In all honesty, I couldn't be happier with it. When I come home at night, I am happy and comfortable. It feels like home. I guess because it IS my home. Plus it's where I keep my liquor.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

How about a Vegas recap?

The cab driver that drove us to our hotel told me he could tell that I was trouble, and then I'm pretty sure he asked me to come over to his house. Then we went to get lunch and got totally pumped up by the rockin' sounds of "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter and "Beautiful" by James Blunt. Hey-if you ever want to get yourself ready for some sun and fun, those are the songs that will put you in the mood. I mean if you plan to kill yourself afterward. All day Thursday we sent Steph text messages and pictures of what we were doing. One may have been of my cleavage. And I may have received one of her cleavage back. We hung out at the pool. Danielle and I sang some England Dan and John Ford Coley. Meg and Kim wore big floppy hats. It was good. Oh also we all climbed into a giant bathtub together and took a picture and sent it to all our friends.

We got up (early) and went to the pool to lay out. The pool was awesome because there weren't that many people there so we didn't have to fight for chairs. I hate fighting for chairs. I'm all like, "Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?" Then people are like, "What? You're not Wayne Brady." And it's awkward. So not having to fight for a chair was great. Drinking daiquiris in a pool might be the greatest invention ever. So I did plenty of that, and the bartender got to know us pretty quick. A couple hours later I was nice and crispy so they covered me in bbq sauce and served me with some fries and coleslaw. Then we gambled. And drank. A lot. We played penny slots, and the cocktail waitress wouldn't stop bringing us drinks. She brought us round one, and literally 5 seconds later came back and said, "You guys ready for another round?" We hadn't even begun drinking our first one. So obviously we said yes. This continued for a while, and I would say that we were drunk about a half hour later. Then we went to dinner and made asses of ourselves. Then we went back to the hotel to wait for Jen to arrive. We had a dance party, and by we I mean everyone else but me because I was laying on the bed trying not to puke. It was 9pm. Who am I-Sharda? Danielle was drinking beer in a glass with ice. Then when Jen got there we left and went out and drank and gambled and drank and kept drinking.

Pool again. At this point, I was burnt everywhere so I stayed in the shade and read "The DaVinci Code". Oh the other thing I did was try to block out the 750 little kids who suddenly showed up all at the same time. Listen-I love kids. I want some. But I am in Vegas, people. VEGAS. Why did your bring your kids here!? Go to DisneyWorld!! I tried not to be cranky about it and failed miserably-mostly because the bar wasn't open yet. Luckily Meg couldn't take it anymore either so she went into the hotel store and bought us bottles of alcohol. God love ya, Meg. That took the edge off.

Once the kids were gone, it was peaceful...for about 14 seconds. Then Loud Girl showed up. You all know who Loud Girl is. She yells everything she says hoping someone will engage her in conversation. She was horrible. For you men who have sisters and women who have brothers, let me ask you something. You know how when you're hanging out with your brother/sister and you're in the pool together and, ladies, you jump on your brother's back and ride him all around the pool and then you guys do joint somersaults together and wrestle and tickle each other and lay all over each other? Oh you don't do that past the age of 7? Maybe because you're normal and know the appropriate boundaries between siblings. Loud Girl and her brother apparently don't share your sense of appropriateness. And it was creepy. Not only did she have a brother/boyfriend, but she was do I say this nicely? Um...she was fucking dumb. Here are some examples of things we actually heard come out of her mouth. Keep in mind this is at about 1000 decibels and is echoing around the complex:

- Yelling to her brother: "You want to go smoke some pot?" Giggles and then "whispers": "Whoops I mean do you want to go to the car and smoke some weed?"
- Yelling to her brother and then, unfortunately, to us: "You don't understand what it's like to be a girl!!! You have to pack swimsuits and makeup and pool makeup and brushes and you have like 12 different kinds of brushes like a big round brush and a small round brush and a flat brush and makeup brushes and blah blah blah squawk squawk." At this point she turned to us: "I bet if I asked these girls they would all agree with me!! Don't we have to pack so much, ladies? Boys don't even know!" I stopped listening and pretended like I wasn't there hoping she would stop talking. She didn't. For a good 5 minutes she continued naming things she packed in her suitcase. Then I took my own life.
- In response to Hairy Guy (guy there on business with ample amounts of back hair) who had just said a long-winded, extremely intelligent statement about the war in Iraq: "For sure!!"
- In response to Hairy Guy after he said something intelligent about using electricity to run hybrid cars: "Yeah but then won't we use up all the electricity?"

Saturday night we went to dinner at the oldest restaurant in Nevada, Batista's. It's this little Italian place where they give you all you can drink free wine. ALL YOU CAN DRINK FREE WINE. Find me something bad about that phrase. You can't because it's perfect. Plus this restaurant had a little old man with an accordian, and he played us a Frank Yankovic song since he was the polka king of America and was from Cleveland. We argued with Danielle about the subtle differences between a nerd and a dork. Then Sharda helped our case by being a nerd and embarassing us by asking our waiter for historical information about the restaurant. Actually we ended up being glad she did because it was interesting. Frank Sinatra used to go there and sit in the same booth we did. Basically what I'm saying is that we are famous. If you go to Vegas, you should to go Batista's. It's amazing.

The rest of the night included a lot of drinking and gambling and me losing money. We went to breakfast at 3am. Diane did jumping jacks in the restaurant. I had pancakes with a side of cranberry and Absolut. We got back to the room at 4am, and I did not want to go to bed. I was ready to go. Since everyone else was going to sleep, I had to take things into my own hands. So I got out my cell phone and played my "S.O.S." ringer and had my own little dance party. The girls yelled at me to shut the hell up, but really I think they enjoyed the show.

Other things happened, but I can't remember all of them. It's all a little blurry to me. I know we watched "Knight Rider", "A Different World" and some show about a lady with a 200 pound tumor. All normal Vegas activities. Ladies, if I'm forgetting anything please let me know.

So...when are we going back?

Monday, June 12, 2006

This man is for real

While I was in Vegas, I met the man of my dreams. I saw him from across the bar. He was mature and tan, and I wanted to run my fingers through his jet black hair. Here he is:

His name? Cook E Jar. Please look at this man. He is at least 65 and wearing a Mick Mars wig. He is surrounded by siren lights and a karaoke machine. There are no words, you guys. No. Words.

When we walked by this guy performing at an outdoor bar, first of all he was singing Usher. Second of all my sister and Sharda started going crazy. "It's Cook E Jar. It's Cook E Jar!!" Then I had flashes from a Vegas trip a few years ago. I heard a lot of noise out in the hallway of the hotel. I went out to see what was going on. Diane and Sharda were laying on the floor yelling and laughing. Then Sharda pulled her shirt down to reveal a giant autograph in black marker sprawled across her chest. It said, "Cook E Jar".

So we stopped to buy some drinks where Cook E Jar was performing. Diane asked for a Red Bull and vodka, and Meg "accidentally" bought her a yard of it:

Then we took in some glorious Cook E Jar. What's sad is, this guy actually has a nice voice. He was clearly meant to be a lounge singer but went this route instead. I wonder if he goes home at night, takes off his wig and the chains, puts on his flannel pjs, looks in the mirror and thinks, "God I hate my life."

Well I, for one, salute you, Cook E Jar. At least you know the words to Usher. The only usher my grandpa knows is the one at the movie theater.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

I wonder what the kid at Target was thinking when he was developing these

So I realize I haven't posted about Vegas, but I keep getting sidetracked with all this other stuff I have to do (Sudoku. Shopping. Heroin.). So in the meantime I thought I'd post a scary picture.

Tonight I finally got my pictures from New Year's Eve developed. 1 - Six months ago. 2 - Two cameras. 3 - They were disposable (what is it-1997?). 4 - I don't remember taking one picture that night let alone 54. Here's a peak into what I found when I looked at them*:

Yeah he's dancing. In her crotch. Five minutes before he put his head in my chest and 10 minutes before he gave some other girl a hickey. And that's only one person. Multiply this behavior by about 20 people, and you'll start to get the full picture. I'd like to pretend this isn't normal behavior within our group, but, sadly, that would be a lie. Almost 30 years old, gang. Almost 30.

*Faces have been removed to protect the "innocent".

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

I'm back and Steph is awesome

Well, kids, I'm back from Vegas, and I have some bad news. I have turned into a giant daiquiri. Such was my mania for daiquiris this trip that I was drinking them right up until we boarded the plane to come home. Vegas was awesome although I should tell you that apparently they have moved it out of the state of Nevada and into a convection oven. I know I was shocked, too, but then I was basted in a sunscreen marinade and baked for 4 days at 115 degrees.

I will tell you more about Vegas later, but there is nothing I can write that is funnier than the email I received yesterday from Steph so I will be posting that instead.

Quick sidenote to Abby Sides: thank you so much for your wonderful compliment. I think you give me too much credit and are way too nice, but I will not hesitate to throw the fact that you called me brilliant in my friends' faces. Seriously thanks. That was awesome!

And now onto Steph's brilliance:

To: All the girls
From: Steph
Subject: Observations of a scientist...

Ok…I really missed you girls and I have to ask that you do not leave again without me. Thanks.

But while you were gone, I became something of an anthropologist. I immersed myself in a foreign culture, blended into those new surroundings, and studied intensively the behavior patterns of this mysterious breed…I entered the world of men. (PLEASE! Don’t leave me again, it was soooo scary!)…I have to share my findings. The subjects accepted me easier than I expected, though technically I've known them longer than you fine ladies, lived with some of their kind, and let’s face, I’m totally dating Gordon so they had to take me in…they quickly dropped their guards with me around and I was able to observe and record their native habits.

Log Book: 6/2/06 – 10pm. I joined the men at a downtown bar. They are all dressed up. They have showered, dressed in clean clothes, sans hats, and they don’t smell. I’m confused. Why this behavior? They enthusiastically greet me with shots. They can’t stop speaking of the $2 beers at the downtown bar! They speak of NOTHING else. I see one of their kind following my companion (Jace) towards a group of rather asexual looking females. Meeting women? What? I go in for a closer look. The one they call "Woody" is checking out bartender butts with a woman, a lesbian. Yes, left to their own devices, they meet lesbians and become creepy butt watchers. The others sit in the corner and cheer the low cost beer.

12am – The men head to a dance place. Interesting. Bar Fly. They buy beer. The conversation now has changed. They speak of NOTHING but the $4 price of beer. NOTHING. They follow the music to a basement dance floor. Gordo says, "Let’s own the dance floor." Thank God, Christy has arrived. She and I watch in horror as the men bump and shake with each other, ignoring anyone that isn’t part of their already established pack. At one point, Drew, squeezes by two women, lightly touching one on the shoulder to make space as he dances by. Matt snaps his fingers and says "Oh no he didn’t." I ask this one, to what he is referring. "Drew better not talk to girls." I point out to Matt he was merely passing by and being polite. Matt looks visibly relieved.

2am – The men decide to go home. Somehow Gordo ends up in a car with Christy and me. Weird, right? I mean, we are dating, so naturally he has to come home with me. He has taken his beer with him. When scolded the next day, he comments, it was $4! Gordo nods to sleep and is unable to tell Christy where he lives. She drops him off on a road off Madison, hoping it is right. She reports the next day she was convinced he was entering a neighbor’s home when dropped off, he was so incoherent.

Log Book: 6/3/06 – 1pm. Football. We lose to a team with a very scary woman. Gordon accidentally hit her when he batted down a ball. She turned crazy. Next play, she runs up to Drew and pushes him down after the play has stopped. The ref blows whistle on her. These men get beat up by women.

2pm. Treehouse. A pitcher of beer spills to the ground. The crowd in the back patio loudly boos Gordon, the culprit of the spill. Drew immediately drops down to all fours and laps the beer off the sidewalk. He screams for a straw. Strangers from all sides throw straws at him. He slurps the beer. The crowd cheers. He stands, smiling, proud, covered in dirt and dripping beer from the chin. I believe this is the greatest accomplishment in mankind. Odd species.

4pm. Table next to group of men have sing off. Guns and Roses songs fill the air. Each team trying to outsing/outshout the other. Dogs in the distance howl.

5pm – Finally the men see fit to leave bar and the hour long sing-a-long ceases. The crowd’s joy at the men’s exit is palpable.

10pm – I get a phone call from one of the men. I am so accepted in their culture they invite me out. I have just returned from a girls’ night so I thought this would be the perfect juxtaposition for the study. I meet "Kevin" at Grafton. He spends 15 mins at juke box. We meet his coworkers. We are huddled together at front of bar, leaning in close to hear over the "tunes" he played, lit by the light of candles. Looking very romantic to outsiders I’m sure, but we were discussing Beaudry’s weekend hook-up...I feel stares of strangers. I feel glaring glances and piecing eyes. I look up. Prosecutors descend upon us. I am sure the office gossip will be who the eff is this new girl with Kevin. Awesome, Kimmy, awesome! Crack-hor owner convinces us to play phone game. We text the same message to a friend, at same time, we see who gets response first. Men reply to men first. Women reply to all at same time. Interesting.

12am – We meet rest of group at their headquarters, LVT [ed. note: this is the local dive bar the boys make us go to every single weekend]. Paul speaks for long time about physical therapy his pinky finger is under-going. I wonder how men would handle childbirth…Gordo wants to beat up stranger because he is ugly and with hot girl and all men know the "rule"…you are allowed to "update" no more than 2 spaces. She is a 9, he is a 3, this guy is updating 6 spaces. Gordo feels entitled. Loyd speaks of desire to be coupled with a girl in a relationship. No wonder, boys are kind of dull alone, they need girl to add excitement. A heated game of Rock, Paper, Scissors begins. It lasts for 40 mins. I cannot make that up.

1am – A man rides his bicycle into bar. Man is caked in dried blood. Man looks at me. Paul jumps into seat beside me. Kevin immediately stands up. Loyd attempts conversation. Man leaves. Though I am struck by instant protective aspect of men.

1:15am – I stretch and consider leaving. Drew reads my mind and commands me to sit down. I am one of the men tonight, I am not allowed early exit. Loyd says this is a place we could stay into until 3 for them. Kevin claps his hands. I roll my eyes. Gordo walks over with cigarette. He places cigarette to mouth, purses lips over it, a tiny little pouf of smoke fills air, he smiles and winks. Does he believe he is John Wayne? All men begin taunting.

1:30am – Men suddenly decide Las Vegas is not in country, therefore, all men are single. They do a shot (pineapple upside down cake) to celebrate. That is extent of celebration of bachelorhood.

2am – Bar closes

2:05am – Bartender takes away drinks. So much for theory they own place and can stay late. Thank God!

Conclusion: While Girls were in Las Vegas!!!!! Men played rock, paper, scissors, and shook their butts for each other. Girls rule!