Letters for May 31st, 2007

Dear air conditioning,
It's nice to have you back. Let's make out.

Dear Cavs,
Are you trying to kill me? I cannot handle that kind of stress. My God I know I say this about a lot of people/foods/TV shows/movies/inanimate objects, but I will make out with LeBron James right now and have his babies. Like he really wouldn't even need to try to woo me. Or get to know me. Or really even talk to me. He would just need to point at me to indicate it was go time, and I would be there.

Dear U.S. Post Office,
Seriously? $.41 to send an effing letter?

Dear blog readers,
Is that Zach Braff doing the voiceovers for Wendy's?

Dear Carson Michael,
Welcome to the world, baby boy! We are so happy you're here. I can't wait to meet you and tell you all about how your mom would never listen to my stories in homeroom and about the day she gave herself a home perm and cried and how we used to sit in her parents' living room and listen to old records and how sometimes we laugh so hard it physically hurts. Also I have some awesome pics I can show you. You are so lucky to have the parents you do. Listen to them, and they will make you into a good person. One who, with any luck, will enjoy cooking me food just like your mom and dad. Beautiful boy, I haven't even met you, and I'm madly in love with you.

Dear Kimmie,
Holy effing shit you have a kid. Wasn't it just yesterday you, me and Squirt were having sleepovers in your basement? Now you are squeezing humans out of your body? It's going to take me a while to process that. I am so proud of you, and I love you so much.

Dear Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck,
Shh.

Memories of Memorial Day

Ahh...I love long weekends. Especially when I take extra days off to make them even longer. I needed more days for several reasons including but not limited to:

1. To plant my flowers
2. To see Pirates of the Carribbean 3
3. Detox

In a shocking twist, I ended up spending most of the weekend drunk. But as usual, I will blame others. Fault lies with the following people:

Friday: Diane and Drew
Saturday: Steph
Sunday: Christy

You guys are really a bad influence on me. In fact I would wager a guess that if you jumped off a bridge, chances are good I would, too. Friday I didn't plan on drinking at all then Diane and Drew were all, "We made homemade sangria!" and I knew if I didn't partake, I would crush their souls. Their whole life's happiness clearly rested on me drinking their homemade concoction. So I drank it. A lot of it. And I passed out fully clothed. And I think I may have woken up and yelled something incoherent at Woody when he left, but I will need someone to confirm that for me. In my defense, I currently know 17 people who are having babies this year*. That is not a Sarah Number where I make a completely absurd exaggeration to further express my point. That is the actual number of people I know having babies. And there was a time out on the patio where we were talking about mucous plugs** and cervixes***, and sipping sangria quickly turned to chugging sangria.

Last week Steph sent those girls who would be in town this weekend an email that in a nutshell said, "I want to be a good Cleveland tourist this weekend. I'm thinking wine, public transportation, etc. This will be awesome." When pressed for details she said, "It's going to rock!" Later on we got a list. It was a list of our options for "Choose Your Own Adventure: Cleveland Day". I'm not kidding. Starting at 1pm, she wrote out three options for every 2 hour timeframe, and we got to pick where we wanted to go. Seriously how jealous of us are you right now knowing that we have Steph and you don't?

Here was the itinerary we chose:
1pm-3pm: Leisurely day on your own - Yes this was one of the options. We picked this because some of us had plans (Sharda, Meg) and some of us were hungover (yours truly).

3pm-5pm: Larchmere Sidewalk Sale - The actual sidewalk sale wasn't that great unless you love antiques, which I don't. I only like old stuff if it belonged to someone in my family or if it comes in the form of Sean Connery. However, Larchmere is a neighborhood in Cleveland that I've never seen, and I enjoyed it very much. One thing that I love so much about this city is that you can go 10 minutes in one direction, and it's so different it's like a whole new world. We enjoyed our time in Larchmere and neighboring Shaker Square where we went into an antiques gallery and saw a million year old woman passed out on a couch and almost called 911 until she sat up suddenly, but we all knew it was time for alcohol. To take us to our next stop we procured a cab. Our driver's name was Edmond. Edmond is, to put it lightly, the man.

5pm-7pm: Happy Hour - Cucumber Margaritas @ Momochos - Momochos is a Mexican restaurant/bar, and I read in some magazine that cucumber margaritas were the in drink this summer. I don't drink margaritas due to an incident that occurred while I was a freshman in college. I know you know what I'm talking about. Everyone has at least one type of liquor they can't drink anymore because of an incident in college. So at Momochos, I drank cranberry and vodkas. Obviously. We ended up knowing the bartender so he was kind to us and by that I mean he loaded us up on liquor. The first cran and vodka he gave me was very pale pink. The next one he told me he made "a little more fun". When we held the glass up next to a glass of water, there was no difference. I'm just saying. When I walked out of that place, I was already having trouble standing up. At that time Steph gave us a pep talk: "Nobody better be a loser tonight and go to bed early just because you're drunk now. We're going all night." Other item of note: I ate guacamole here. I hate guacamole. Our awesome cabbie Edmond came to pick us up. In two hours we had gone from normal, intelligent, mature women to drunk, laughing, hyenas who told Edmond that we were on a fun cruise, Steph was our cruise director and he was our captain.

7pm-9pm: Dinner at Cheddars (new place specializing in Macaroni and Cheese options!) - Seriously. It had 19 different kinds of mac and cheese. Have you ever heard of something more amazing in your life? No you haven't. And it tasted amazing, too. Also I got one of the best martinis I've ever had in my life there. White chocolate raspberry. Um yeah. You wish you were there. We ended dinner early so we went to the bar next door and met a cute boy named Tim from my home town. Also I tried to take a break from drinking by getting a Diet Coke and was teased mercilessly so I finally gave in. I am a weak, weak woman. Edmond our fearless captain, showed up exactly at 9pm-without us having to call-to take us to our next stop. On the way there, he asked Steph to marry him. She said yes.

9pm-10:30pm: D'Vine chocolate and wine dessert - D'Vine is a wine bar downtown. And it is lovely and amazing and serves you wine. We drank a lot of this. Sharda and I split a bottle, but she is a poser, and I ended up drinking 80% of it myself. We also ate something called a chocolate pizza which was completely unnecessary and necessary at the same time. We met nice boys here, too, who were intrigued by our choose your own adventure day.

10:30 on: Warehouse District - dancing on tables - We did not dance on tables, but we did dance. Oh yes we danced. We then decided to find a bar with a patio which led us to a couple other bars and then to the Nauti Mermaid which I like to call the Slutty Ass Mermaid. Steph had once, in a drunken stupor, described this bar as "woody! It's really woody!" After we text messaged Woody that we were at a bar that was woody, we decided maybe it was time for us to go. But not before we went to Panini's so Steph could get a sandwich to eat the next day. Not late night eating. She wanted it for the next day. Even when she's drunk this girl is planning. Awesome. Also you guys should know that Sharda kept claiming sobriety and then she made us all stop on the sidewalk so she could do a pose. In this case "pose" means standing on one leg, bent over with the other leg behind you. No, Sharda, I'm just saying you looked terrific. Thanks for making us look like a respectable bunch. The rest of my night was spent in and out of consciousness on Steph's couch while reruns of The Real World: Las Vegas played on the TV. And just like that, I was 22 again.

Sunday brought the promise of recovery until I remembered it was the night of Christy's 30th birthday party. Damn you, 30. Damn you to hell. Let's just say, my attempts to "take it easy" failed miserably. I know this because besides pulling out my fancy foot slidey dance moves in public (the ones I do alone in my kitchen), we ended up at a convenient store to buy late night food, and I got White Cheddar Cheezits and a Star Crunch. By the way, Happy Birthday, Christy! Welcome to the club! A tip: over-eagerness to show your ID when buying alcohol only results in a look of pity from the cashier and a feeling of patheticalness (this is a real world-I looked it up).

Monday really did bring sobriety as I ate the crap out of food my mom cooked for us and then went to see Pirates 3. I liked it a lot, but, it really wasn't as fun as the first two. But Johnny Depp is a god. Seriously how does anyone keep their wits about them when he's around. Good Lord.

Oh by the way, we saw some great Cleveland sites while we were out on Saturday. Take a look at some of the great things this city has to offer:

That last pic is of someone's purse (not naming names). On the street. With a drink inside. Perfectly legal.

Ugh. My liver hurts.

*Incidentally, my best friend from the time I was 13 is being induced tomorrow morning at 8:30, and I am losing my freaking mind.
**There has got to be a better name for this phenomenon. Seriously I can't think of anything grosser than this. Except maybe "period juice" which is a Lunch Crowd original that we like to throw out during the conversation when new people are there to see if they're cool or not.
***I doubt this is the correct spelling of the word for more than one cervix, but I'm just really not going to take the time to look this up.

Lost was 2 hours last night. This might take you 2 hours to read.

Oh. My. God. I think it's going to be almost impossible for me to write about this in chronological order, but I will do my best. Just try and stay with me. Warnings:

1. Spoilers galore within.
2. People who don't watch Lost shouldn't read this. It will seriously be a waste of your time.
3. I'm like 99% sure the word "awesome" will appear upwards of 2700 times.
4. This post is LOOOONG. I thought about editing out a bunch of stuff and making it shorter, but I couldn't do it. If I lose you halfway through, I'm sorry.
5. I can't stop dropping the f-bomb when talking about this episode so you prudes out there might want to look away. Or learn to drop the f-bomb with me.

I don't know about you guys, but that was 2 of the best hours of television I have ever seen. When the show started, and everyone was saying their goodbyes to Jin, Sayid and Bernard, I was convinced the jig was up for Bernard. Diane and I both said, "I have a bad feeling Bernard's not going to make it out of this." Thank goodness we were wrong because how can you not love a guy whose wife makes him say things like, "I am a dentist. I am not Rambo."

When the first two explosions happened, instead of "BOOM" I heard "Boo-ya" because the revenge was so sweet. Hey, Ben, how about some fried Others with a side of Fuck You? By the way, nice effing shot, Bernard! Who knew? Poor Jin got stuck with the little handgun so he couldn't get a clean shot. As soon as he started crawling forward, I knew we were in for bumpy times.

I don't envy Jack in any way, shape or form. He only saw two explosions, but he absolutely could not go back. He would've risked the lives of everyone. He had an almost impossible decision to make, but he made the right choice. Even Sayid specifically told him not to turn back-not for any reason whatsoever. By the way, how awesome is Sayid? "I am willing to give my life if it means securing rescue." Um. You are amazing, Sayid

Ben is completely playing all his own people against each other, and they are catching on. Blonde bitch from the Looking Glass totally gave up the code because she was pissed at Ben. He is totally losing it, and something huge is about to happen with him and The Others. He will be overthrown. Perhaps by Locke? Boy Ben is a master manipulator, though. He got Bernard to talk by threatening to kill Jin. He asked who the 3 people were, took a couple seconds to think and picked Jin. It was a careful and calculated decision. He literally scares the crap out of me.

Sawyer is completely tortured by killing Locke's dad. He wanted it his whole life, but as is sometimes the case, what he thought he wanted may not have been exactly what he actually wanted. I knew he would end up volunteering to go back for them. As much as he tries to pretend he's disconnected from everyone, he cares about them like a family. Honestly it's probably the closest thing he's had to a family in a long time. When Juliet said she would go back with him and Jack said, "You don't need to do this." I was like, "Um, yes you do actually." She still needed to prove herself to me. And, you guys, I hate to say it, but she kind of did. I mean she still sucks with her little smirk and kissing Jack-I'm sorry WTF? Lay the hell off, hor. But…she helped them. So I need to cut her a bit of slack. But seriously she better keep her smirky lips off of Jack.

Okay we need to talk about the best 20ish minutes of the entire show. Ben confronting Jack on the hill and the beach scene.

First the confrontation on the hill. Okay I can't believe Ben tried to introduce himself to Naomi-like a normal introduction. Psycho! I was so hoping when he killed Sayid, Jin and Bernard that it wasn't real. Seriously when we first heard the gunshots, I almost immediately started writing a nasty letter to ABC. But then we realized we did not see it happen onscreen so there was a good chance they were still alive. Poor Jack was put in an impossible situation yet again. And again I think he did the right thing. He didn't have a choice. He couldn't trust Ben. He had to go with the best odds of getting the most people off the island.

But Oh. My. God. After Ben shot them, Jack just went after him and beat the ever-loving shit out of him. We were screaming. Baby, that was the payoff. We've all been waiting for it. Jack finally loses his freaking cool and goes all Sayid on Ben after trying to be so level-headed in earlier seasons. My God it was fantastic. What is it about this show that brings out my bloodlust? It's scary. But all of us were screaming, "Yeah-hit him harder!!" I thought it was particularly nice when he stopped beating on him, and there was a pause and then BAM-one more shot to the face for good measure. Then he picked up the walkie and told Tom he was coming to kill him. Not only that but later on he said he was keeping Ben alive so that he can see them get off the island and know he failed. Then he'll kill him. Jack, release that inner badass mofo, baby. You can keep crying since you are so good at it, but just keep the revenge coming.

An aside that has nothing to do with the confrontation on the hill or the beach scene: I love bloody Ben introducing Alex to her mother. Danielle is so moved to finally be able to touch her and talk to her, and what's the first thing she says? "Will you help me tie him up?" And Alex totally goes for it. Yes I will help you tie up this man I thought was my father. Hilarious and awesome.

OMG beach scene. Can we talk about the beach scene immediately please. When Sawyer and Juliet were spying on The Others keeping our Losties captive, I had completely forgotten that earlier in the show Sawyer, with tears in his eyes (beautiful moment), had told Hurley he couldn't come with them because he's too fat. So I was actually taken by surprise at what happened next in the beach scene. And what happened next was a whole lot of Hurley in the van RUNNING A MAN OVER. Let me try to write out exactly what Diane, Drew, Loyd's and my reaction was to that:

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT MOTHER OF ALL THAT IS-AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" multiplied by 4 and at 100 million decibels.

Hurley, you sweet-and sick-son of a bitch! I knew you had it in you! Then when Sawyer picked up the gun, I figured he'd shoot the guy in front of Sayid. But no, Sayid went all Jack Bauer on the guy and tripped him then broke his fucking neck with his fucking legs! Are you kidding me!? So then I thought, 'There's no way it can get better and more badass than this.' And what happened? Tom surrendered, and Sawyer shot him anyway. "That's for taking the kid off the raft." Um, holy crap. As if that line wasn't awesome enough, this happened next:

Hurley: Dude it was over. He surrendered.
Sawyer: I didn't believe him.

Oh my holy Jesus. After that scene I turned to Diane, Drew and Loyd and said, "That one scene just made up for the entire season of 24 this year."

When Hurley started talking into the walkie, I was laughing so hard. He does not have an intimidating voice, but boy he was really trying. "Attention, Others. Come in, Others." Do The Others even know they are called The Others? "If you're listening to this, I want you to know that we got you bastards. And unless the rest of you want to be blown up, it's best to stay away from our beach!" Yeah, Hurley! You go! I love how he tells Jack he saved everyone. Jack's like, "Wait-Bernard and Jin and Sayid? They're with you?" and Hurley says, "Yeah dude I told you I saved them all." Man Hurley's awesome. And seriously when I realized that those three were alive, I wanted to kiss someone. But the boys were all the way across the room so I didn't.

Oh you guys. The scene in the forest. Jack loves Kate. And it's not just me saying it. He said it. He said it to her face, nonchalantly like it was a fact of his life, of his just being alive-like breathing. He loves her. Oh good Lord, I freaked out completely and made Drew rewind it so I could watch it again. Drew, Diane and Loyd complained, but I'll tell you what-you guys got off easy. If we had been at my house, and I was in charge of the controller, you guys might still be at my house and we'd be on the 7,000th viewing of that scene. I'll be honest here, I love action and everything, but I am a girlie-girl at my core, and I need my romance. Sarah happy.

Um…so Eye Patch. What is the freaking deal? A) Half the time he was on the screen I was like, "Can we get the eye patch back on please" because that was nasty. B) WHY DOESN'T HE EVER DIE!? I loved how Desmond burst out of the equipment locker all bare chested and did the one handed shoot-a-guy-with-a-spear-gun move. So classic.

Okay I guess the time has come to discuss Charlie. I've been avoiding it thinking if I just didn't talk about it, it would make it not true. How fantastic was he in this episode. Funny, brave, resigned to his fate but determined to do his duty. I honestly can't believe the writers went through with it. I brought Kleenex with me to Diane's house to prepare for such an event, and I'm glad I did because I needed it.

I loved when the blonde biatch called Ben to tell him that one of them was there, and he said, "Who?" and Charlie yelled, "It's Charlie! Tell him I said hi!" So funny. And he completely knew exactly what to say to that girl to get her to tell him the code. He turned her against Ben and told her it would piss him off. Perfect! And the code. The signal was jammed by a musician and unjammed (dejammed?) by a musician. It's fate. What I did not expect was to see Penny waiting on the other end of that screen. Why was she just sitting there? How is she connected to the Looking Glass? It must've been part of the Dharma Initiative which means she was too, yes?

Charlie's death scene was a bit perplexing to us. We kept saying, "Why didn't he get out of the room and then close the door?" Did he not have time? Or after the water had poured in, why didn't he go out of the port hole and swim to the surface? It seemed to me there were ways to avoid the drowning. But alas, he didn't, and I was/am devastated. They kind of didn't give his character much to do there in the middle, but when the show started out, I just felt he was such an important part of it. He and Hurley were the humor and the hope. I felt their friendship was the heart of the show. And now he's gone. Oh my God it's so depressing, I can't even talk about it. Except did anyone else notice that right before he died he did the sign of the cross thing? I don't know what it's called because I'm not Catholic, but you know what I mean. I didn't notice this until the second time I watched the episode. It's gut wrenching. Don't go back and watch it.

Do we believe Ben's story about Naomi bringing trouble? I think we do. And dammit that sucks. Um, Locke finally killed someone. In a totally disgusting way, too. Oh damn I almost forgot about Walt. WTF? Why was he there? The makeup department didn't do that great of a job covering up his 5 o'clock shadow. Seriously Walt's like 20 now. I'm pretty sure he drove himself to the show after his college classes were over for the day. What is the significance of bringing him back? So Locke told Jack when Jack was about to answer the guys on the radio, "You're not supposed to do this." How does he know that? Did Jacob tell him? I must find out immediately.

And that brings us to the very end. None of us saw the twist coming-that those were flash forwards and not flashbacks. The only thing we remarked on was that Jack was using a RAZR phone, and we were like, "Ooh that's a mistake. RAZRs weren't available back then." But we didn't think anything else of it. So to put it lightly, we were shocked as hell.

You guys, I loathed this look into the grim future. Jack is a mess. My God they did a good job making him a mess. He was seriously about to kill himself. And he and Kate are not together! Boo! But here is why I am holding onto hope. The first thing is that I don’t honestly feel the writers would reveal the ending to us with 3 seasons left to go. I believe this is a possible scenario for the future. But as Claire on "Heroes" said, "The future is not set in stone." Desmond is the reason this future isn't going to happen. I'm convinced. He saw the future. He knew Charlie had to go down to the Looking Glass. Because of this vision, Charlie found out that the boat is not Penny's boat. When Charlie first started writing on his hand, we all assumed it would be a message for Claire, but no. It was Charlie's final act of heroism. He gave them a chance to avoid the fate we saw in that glimpse of the future. Because now Desmond has the information they need to save themselves from whatever is on that boat thus steering them onto a different course. Not only that, but Penny now knows that Desmond is alive somewhere. And as I keep mentioning because I thought it was such a great moment, she already told him there is nowhere in the world she can't find him. She's coming, you guys!

Other questions that arose from this episode:
- Why was Penny on the other end of that video phone?
- What is on that boat?
- What is up with Locke?
- Why do some people heal and some don't?
- Why is Walt so freaky?
- Who's funeral was that? (My guess is Locke)
- Who is the 'He' Kate was referring to? (If it's Sawyer, I will cut someone)
- Why in the hell did Jack say he would go get his dad and bring him down so they can see who's drunker? Was that a drug-fueled statement or is his dad alive again?

Please, please discuss this show with me in the comments. I know I missed stuff in this epic novel I've written, plus I need to hear everyone's theories.

P.S. This show isn't coming back until February of 2008. That is 9 months, folks. I…am not okay with that. Not at all.

Mind. Blown.

As soon as I start breathing again I will write up my Lost recap. Seriously I need some time to get my thoughts together since I just had my "mind fucked" as my friend ALoyd so hilariously put it last night.

But for now, I just want to say...HE LOVES HER.

And I love this fucking show.

Oh say can you see

So you guys might not know this yet, but I am famous. On Saturday, I sang the national anthem at the Indians game. Okay so it wasn't me by myself. It was me, my sister, my parents and Drew. And like 40 other people. So really I am just a nameless faceless generic singer in a group of many. But still. I was three feet away from Grady Sizemore. Where were you?

My parents sing in our church choir. I do periodically-like at Christmas and Easter when I actually go to church. Our choir director is the son of a choir director from another church. This other church choir sings the national anthem at an Indians game every year. This year they invited our church choir to join. Diane, Drew and I are not in the church choir. So how did we end up singing with them? Blame that on my parents who signed us up to sing without even asking us. We just got a phone call a couple days later like, "Oh hey-we signed you guys up to sing the national anthem at an Indians game. Cool?" Um...wtf?

Drew was very nervous because he had to sing bass and didn't think he would be able to learn the part. My parents were determined to help him practice yet there was never a time for him to go over their house so my mom could play the piano for him and help him learn it. So what did my parents do? What would any parents do in this situation but send me over to Diane and Drew's place with the giant Casio keyboard we got in 1986 that still sits in their basement. Oh yours wouldn't do that? Well guess what-mine would and did.

That's right, we practiced the national anthem at Diane's dining room table on the Casio. I have never felt cooler in my life*.














Actually singing at the game ended up being kind of cool. I thought we were going to suck, but we were actually pretty awesome. Plus we got to be on the field and right by the players. When we walked back in we walked right by the Indians dug out, and I pushed old women out of the way so I could be right by it. I was trying to decide how to behave. Do I yell stuff out like "Have a good game"? Do I smile seductively? I went with the "just stare like a complete creepazoid stalker lady" because honestly who the eff cares. I'll never get to stare at them again nor will they even remember so it's fine. I just wanted to drink in as much as possible. I'll say this right now: we have some hotties on our team.

So that's what I did on Saturday. Well also after the game I got really trashed and danced with my sister at a bar that doesn't have a dance floor or any other people dancing. But that's really not out of the ordinary.

*Actually this is not true. I felt a lot cooler later on at the game when we were standing at the bar in centerfield, and all of a sudden for absolutely no reason at all I fell over. We were literally just standing in a circle. I shifted weight to my left foot, and my ankle gave out and I was immediately on the ground. I wished I had been acting really drunk and obnoxious beforehand because I could then easily explain the incident away. But no. The explanation is that my ankle-and possibly even the universe-hates me.

The shows have been watched. Yikes, people. We need to talk.

Lost
I thought it was excellent. It didn't advance the story much, but it was still good. First of all, I spent the entire episode crying my eyes out thinking that Charlie was going to die at the end. Some people don't like him anymore, but I do, and watching those flashbacks it became pretty clear that despite his many issues, Charlie really was a pretty good guy in his life off the island. I didn't realize that the lady whose purse he saved was Sayid's Nadia. I read about it the next day. I knew she had to be important because they focused in on her so much, but we haven't seen Nadia in like 17 years so I forgot what she looked like.

Desmond offering to go in Charlie's place was so touching. I knew Charlie would never let it happen, but it was still a really nice moment. These two men have grown close, and it's awesome.

Of course after I cried for an hour, Charlie didn't even die. Thank goodness. But who are the Sydney Bristow clones on the Looking Glass? How long have they been there? They have to be totally insane by this point, right? Looks like it might be Desmond to the rescue this week which is lovely. Christian asked a good question in the comments. Why didn't they just cut the cable to the looking glass? JV's answer was that he didn't think it was a power cable so it probably wouldn't have done any good. So now I'm just picturing that cable being tied around a tree and that's how the looking glass stays put. I know it's not true because I saw how it was standing on the bottom of the ocean. But can you imagine. It's only sitting out there because someone tied it to a tree. "Don't worry-I double knotted it so you'll be fine."

Ben's completely losing it, and it's fantastic. Even his own people are like, "Mkay-what the hell is wrong with this guy." They don't want to listen to you, Ben. Because you're insane. Guy who plays Ben = awesome actor.

Is there any question that Jack is and always will be the leader? NO! Everyone better stop being suspicious of him -he's the effing man! "When they show up, we're gonna blow 'em all to hell." Hell YES, Jack! I love how he said, "Look-for 90 days I've been asked to make decisions for this entire camp. There you go. I just made one." That's right, bitches. Respect his authoritah. You are hot, Jack. A hot leader. Also I'm so glad Jack listened to Sayid when he told him he had to lead the people out of harm's way and couldn't stay to do the shooting. He was right. Jack's too valuable. I swear to God if they kill Sayid, Jin or Bernard on Wednesday I'm going to lose it.

Juliet, you have been removed from my shit list temporarily. You are now on my "Allowed to live but I am watching your every move so don't try anything" list.

Um...previews for next week. Jack says I love you to Kate???? This better not be preview editing trickery, Lost writers, or I will open a can of whoop-ass on you. Also: bring Locke back please.

The Office
If I tried to recap everything that was awesome, I would be writing a verbatim script of the entire episode. Let me just say that Creed is fantastic. First of all he has a blog. "www.creedthoughts.gov.www/creedthoughts. Check it out." Love how it's just a Word document that Ryan opened up. Brilliant. Also after they see Jan's boob job (hilarious), Creed says, "I find it offensive. Au natural, baby. That's how I like 'em. Swing low sweet chariots." Holy crap I lost it.

I love how Jan is completely losing her mind. Who would've thought that Michael would be the normal one in the relationship. It was so funny when Jan had her outburst at David about being fired, and Michael was hiding in the background then he goes, "I didn't tell her."

The interview between Dwight and Andy was priceless. As soon as Dwight was announced the Regional Manager, Andy immediately started sucking up to him. "How do you make a table?" "You make a chair, but you don't sit on it." "You're not off to a very good start, Bernard." "I agree. But in another way, I am off to a very good start, wouldn’t you say?"

I love the new badass Pam. She's so awesome. I totally get why Karen called her a bitch, though. From her perspective, Pam really is a bitch. But, Karen, if you call my Pam a bitch again I'm going to have to cut you.

I did not see it coming that Ryan that would get the job. What a great twist. Now he'll be Michael's boss. His smile to the camera after he said to Kelly, "You and I are done." was priceless.

I just want to mention that I love that this show throws things in like when Michael went into his interview, David made a point to mention how amazing it was that after the merger Michael didn't lose one client, and he still managed to trim the budget. It's good writing that they are constantly putting these small things out here to remind us why Michael still has a job despite being a complete moron/HR nightmare.

Oh Pam and Jim. Sigh. I'm still smiling, you guys. She put a note in his stuff with a gold medal from the Olympics episode! You see, Karen? She is not a bitch. She is the sweetest person on Earth. My God I love them together so much. He came back for her, you guys! Did he just leave Karen in NYC? Awesome! Diane feels bad for Karen. I do not. She is nice and everything, but she needs to get out of Jim's and my face. When he burst into the room to ask Pam out to dinner and said, "It's a date." I lost. my. mind. Her face afterwards-holy crap. She was so happy. So was I, Pam. So was I.

Other highlights:
- Angela in her evil voice: "Goodbye, Kelly Kapur."
- Dwight's Bed and Breakfast in hell that he co-owns with Satan.
- Meredith about Jan's boob job: "I would never do that. Waste of money. In my experience, guys are way more attracted to the back of you then to the front."
- Michael to Hunter: "Can you give Jan a message for me? Just say 'I want to squeeze them.' It's code. She'll know what it means."
- Dwight naming Pam his Secret Assistant to the Regional Manager. Then later telling her she served the office with dignity.
- Schrute Bucks. "What is the cash value of a Schrute Buck?"
- "Good luck with your band. Don't let them change you."

Grey's
Okay, you guys. I don't know how much more I can take of this show. First of all, life just isn't that depressing and awful all of the time to every single person. I felt like I was watching "Party of Five" again-a show I had to stop watching even though Charlie Salinger was on it because it just became too hard to watch. That many bad things do not happen to one family. I think my biggest problem is that they basically tore down every single person in the show. The Grey's blog said they "burnt down the house". For what purpose? It makes no sense unless the sole reason the writers write anything is to shock the audience and garner ratings. That's what I'm afraid this show has become about to me. And that's not good writing. It's a cop out.

Izzie's in love with George. Please. I won't bore you guys with my feelings on this again. It appears, however, that the writers don't care that it's horrible and incestuous and will continue on with this ludicrous storyline. Incidentally, Izzie falls in love faster than it takes me to eat a can of Salt & Vinegar Pringles. And let me tell you-that is really fast.

Alex and Ava. You've got to be kidding me. I was just praising the show for not taking that storyline the way of Izzie and Denny, and now Addison is telling him Ava's the one for him? WHAT? Horrible horrible horrible.

My feelings about Bailey not getting Chief Resident and George not passing the exam are the same. Why spend the last 3 years making a point to say how awesome they are just to deny them later. For 3 years they've called Bailey "the chosen one". It is completely unrealistic that she wouldn't get the Chief Resident job. Completely and utterly unrealistic. And failing George? What? Writers, literally at every moment that you could you have shown George quickly developing into a talented and confident doctor. Then you fail him? That has to be one of the cheapest shots I've ever seen on television. Your development of his character as a doctor, I thought, was brilliant. Why in the world would you ruin that. It makes no sense. More proof this season is not about good writing or good character development. It's about creating drama where there doesn't need to be any.

Chief and Adele. I liked that they made the baby the chief's. That was pretty much the only thing I liked about this episode. I'm glad the chief and Adele are going to try to make things work. The only relationship with any hope. Also, I'm glad the chief offered the Chief of Surgery job to McDreamy. He deserved it. But you knew McDreamy wasn't going to take it. I'm so happy the chief won't be leaving the show. I love him.

Meredith and McDreamy. Meredith has consistently had a crappy life so I have allowed all the drama there. I feel so bad for her. She has never been able to count on anyone. However, now she can. It's unbelievable to me that someone who's been searching for love her whole life and now finally has it would be so quick to push it away. Do not break them up, writers.

Christina and Burke. Pretty much I have no idea what to say here, writers. Breaking them up may have been your worst idea yet. Relationships require compromise. That is a fact of life. It cannot be avoided. You say Christina was giving up all of herself. I didn't see that. All she had to do was get through the wedding so she was doing what she had to do to accomplish that so she and Burke could be together. If you care about someone you make sacrifices to make it work. Now I do agree he should have been thinking about her needs more and should have compromised more. Which is why it would've been so much more realistic if you had him walking to the back of the church and saying, "Let's run away and get married somewhere." But breaking them up was another cheap shot.

I will say that Sandra Oh's acting was brilliant. Her panic attack was painful to watch. If you ever wanted an idea of how I reacted when B left, that was it almost to a tee. I had one of those moments at least once a week for a few months. I hated seeing it on TV. I guess that just means it was uncomfortably realistic.

Grey's writers, I really don't know what to say. I think you've really dug yourself into a hole here, and I'm not sure you can redeem yourself in my eyes. I guess I will have to tune in to the beginning of next season to find out, but I can't promise I'll stick around. You've managed to take a fun, sexy, smart show and turn it into a depressing mess. Maybe I will forgive you if we get another towel scene with McSteamy. And some naked Alex.

Best Scrubs moments:

Dr. Cox and Turk are explaining to JD how being a father will change his entire life:
Cox: Listen, Newbie, having a kid changes the way you think about everything.
Turk: Hell yeah it does. Before Izzie was born if I saw a half eaten meatball sub in the trash you better believe I would dust that bad boy off and go to town on it. But now I'm not risking my health eating trash food. I mean unless it's a corn dog.
Cox: Thank God you procreated. Newbie, the point is when that kid comes, you'll start seeing the world a whole lot differently.
Turk: You develop patience.
Cox: You learn to forgive easier.
Turk: If you got baby poop on your thumb, it's no big deal. You can just rub it off on your jeans like that.
Cox: I've seen The Wiggles live in concert. Twice.
Turk: Did they perform "Big Red Car"?
Cox: They opened and closed the show with it. It…was awesome.

Cox is complaining about JD being his daughter's godfather.
Cox: Jordan, here are some things I'd rather see happen than Dinkus over there becoming the godfather: a nuclear war, a sequel to "Hope Floats", Hugh Jackman winning an Oscar-"
Kelso, patting Cox's shoulder: Yeah. Yeah. Funny long list. We get it. You need a new thing, big guy.

Recaps are coming I swear-I just have to watch Grey's

I am on 3 hours of sleep right now, and I was just told that I have been working here for 9 years (they use the date that I started as an intern) so all I want to do is go back to my car, lay down in the back seat with a bottle of wine and pass out until quitting time. But I did want to say that if you were woken up in the middle of the night last night by a high pitched screeching sound, that was me squealing with delight while watching The Office. Squealing with delight, you guys. I'm so happy right now.

Recaps to come...

P.S. I just want to say that this is shocking. They seem so tame. When you describe something as "the perfect killing machine" it really comes as a surprise when they try to eat you.

Crash into me

Saturday was our friend Becky's bachelorette party, and as predicted, the night ended with Steph, Sharda and I in the back of a police car. Let me explain.

I'll start from the beginning. We started our day off by driving about 7,000 miles to a winery out in the middle of a cornfield for Becky's shower. Even the bride got lost on the way there. I knew we were far from home when all the houses around me were actually named and not only were they named, but they were displaying fancy signs with the name of their house and/or farm on them. The winery, however, was really nice and fun, and let me just tell you a shower at a winery is my kind of shower. But we were classy and only poured the correct amount of wine into our glasses. And of course the correct amount is roughly "all the way to the top-then a little bit more".

After the shower we drove to the hotel we'd be staying at that night. Well most people did. We drove to the wrong hotel and were waiting in the lobby for 10 minutes before we finally got someone on the phone who told us we were morons. Finally we went to the right hotel and found the group-but only after we went to the wrong room and knocked and the people in that room refused to open the door then we stood in the lobby for another 10 minutes not knowing where to go. The room we were supposed to be in ended up being the room directly next door to the wrong room we went to first. Things, so far, were going smoothly.

Once we were all in the right place, it was time for more drinking and raunchy presents. Steph and I got Becky what is basically a stick-on furry bikini and a chia pet in the shape of a man's twig and berries. It was maybe one of the funniest things I've ever seen, and as soon as Becky opened it Steph immediately threw me under the bus and said that I picked it all out. Which, by the way, is complete and utter bullhonkey. They don't sell that stuff at the stores where I shop, Steph (McDonald's, State Liquor Store).

Abby gave Becky perhaps the most useful gift: anal beads (welcome perverts who found my blog by searching on 'anal beads'!). Everybody was laughing and telling Abby how gross she was, and her defense was, "But I bought the small ones!" Like, 'Oh aren't I a good friend? I bought small anal beads because I care about you.'

After gross presents, I was hammered, and it was time to eat. We went to Wasabi, a Japanese steakhouse. It was so flipping fun. Our chefs made us sing and told jokes and were just amazing. They did that thing where they go around the table throwing food at everyone and you have to catch it in your mouth. Everyone was having trouble then he threw a piece at Diane and she caught it on the first try, and Sharda immediately yelled out, "Why are you so good at sports!?"

After dinner a party bus picked us up and drove to downtown Akron to go barhopping. Besides being a safe way for us to get around the city and having a back section with a stripper pole and mirrors, the bus also proved useful for displaying Peter Pecker, the anatomically correct inflatable doll we took with us, and his junk out the window. The first place we went had a mechanical bull. Watching Becky-drunk Becky-ride the mechanical bull was one of the happiest moments of my life. Shortly after that, Abby learned a tough lesson about standing too close to Steph when she's dancing. Steph accidentally punched her in the face. While I don't condone violence (unless it's against Juliet on Lost), and I'm sorry Abby got punched, this was absolutely hilarious. However, Steph lost her dance confidence after that and wouldn't dance. That is not okay. When Steph doesn't dance, we all lose.

More bars followed including one where the floor was so sticky, I had to perform my awesome "move your body without moving your feet" dance. At the last bar Becky tried to steal a flag that was hanging way out of her reach. She got two of her friends to try and lift her up to get it. Over and over and over. There was no reason which made it all the more awesome.

At about 1:45 we finally got back onto the party bus with Peter to head back to our hotel. At this point most of us had been drinking for about 14 hours, and we had kind of a long drive ahead of us. So naturally most of us fell asleep. At about 2:45 or so, all of us woke up with a start because of a loud noise, a bump and being thrown forward into each other. No one had any idea what the hell had just happened including the driver. He drove for about 1,000 feet until he finally slowed down the bus to a stop. We were in the middle of a highway. This one girl ran to the back of the bus (it was a converted school bus) to look out the back window. She turned around and said, "There's a car under the fucking bus."

We all looked, and sure enough, there was a car wedged under the back of the bus. I didn't want to go any closer because of the fear of what I might see, but Diane ran up to the back to look. She came back, sat down and said, "There is no way anyone survived that. The front of the car is gone. It's just...it's gone." Steph and I almost puked.

I know you're wondering what happened. We were on the highway going 60mph and a car rear ended us so hard that the entire front of it was wedged under the bus. Think about this. We were going 60mph in the same direction as this guy. He had to have been going at least 100-120mph in order to slam into us that hard. WHAT IS WRONG YOU WITH YOU, CRAZY DRIVER MAN!?

Oh it's okay I can yell at him. He is alive. The bus driver went out to survey the damage and told us that on the bus, we had a really bad angle and that the driver was alive and talking. Not only that, he got out of the car a few minutes later and was walking around. Then we found out there was another person in the car. A person who was not responding and bleeding from the head but breathing and alive. However, he/she was trapped in the car. They had to break through the rear windshield and jack up the bus to get him/her out. I have no idea if he/she is okay, but the EMTs seemed hopeful.

I know you can't have a favorite part of a horrible car accident because it's inappropriate, but what about two favorite parts?

1. Right after it happened, a car pulled in front of the bus-a big white SUV. A man got out to come back and help us. He was dressed all in white with a giant pimp hat on. I'm not kidding about this hat. It's like it was purchased at a store that catered only to pimps. Since he was dressed in white and the headlights were still on and pointed at him giving him an ethereal glow, we all decided he was our guardian pimp angel. I half expected him to come onto the bus and say, "How my bitches doin' in here? You hos okay?"

2. About 5 minutes after the EMTs got there-all of that time spent directly behind the bus working on the person in the car-Diane noticed that Peter Pecker was staring at them from the window, anatomy fully displayed, where we had propped him up earlier. How in the world you can save lives while an inflatable naked doll is staring at you I don't know. It's probably part of their training. We later heard the cops refer to Peter as "the doll".

Eventually the cops let us sit in their cars because it was about -400 million degrees outside. Then they took us back to the hotel. Can I just tell you that I have never been more painfully uncomfortable in my life than I was in that car? First of all there is no cushion. Just hard plastic. The cop said it's because it's hard to wash out "urine, blood and other juices". Hmm...what about puke, cop? Will it make it easier for you to clean up my puke because you really didn't need to say "juices". Also there is approximately 3 inches of leg room. Steph was okay because she's like 7 inches tall, but I couldn't even get in. I looked at the cop like, "Are you effing kidding me right now?" and he said, "Yeah it sucks when you're tall." then closed the door. You guys, I am never getting arrested. Not because I don't want to go to jail or anything, but because sitting in the back of a cop car makes me want to cut off my own legs. Oh and did I mention the giant high powered rifle sitting in the front seat? No thanks.

Seriously I am so glad that everyone is okay and alive. It could have been so much worse, but since it wasn't it sure does make it easier to remember Becky's party for all the fun we had and not the moron who can't drive. Seriously take a look at this. Keep in mind the bus was not at a complete stop. We were driving 60mph.














Smooth move, Ex-lax!

If you need me I'll be sleeping under my desk

Man I am totally worthless with this blog this week. I didn't even watch Grey's last night. See here's the thing-I am currently hungover. But I am eating cheese and peanut butter crackers, drinking lemonade and listening to "Current of Love" by David Hasselhoff on Hal so I am starting to feel a little better. What's that you say? You don't have David Hasselhoff on your iPod? Your loss! This is the only song of his that I have on there. It's the ending credits to Baywatch, a show for which I used to harbor a serious obsession. I'm not joking. My friend Renee and I lived together all through college and watched it religiously. It was so wonderfully cheesy and trying so hard to teach life lessons while at the same time objectifying women and showing off their boobies. Brilliant! As a result, I was a geniune fan of The Hoff way before it got cool to pretend you were a fan of The Hoff.

Speaking of David Hasselhoff, tell me you've all seen the video. The one his teenage daughter took of him completely and utterly wasted. Okay so I am sad for him and his kids because he is an admitted alcoholic and has fallen off the wagon and his bitch ex-wife so obviously released that tape which should've remained private. It makes me want to punch her right in the throat. Okay so we agree he has a problem. But here's the thing: if I had a nickel for every time I ate fast food off the floor when I was drunk, I'd have...roughly...a whole lot of nickels. I can't do math this morning. Leave me alone. Seriously who hasn't eaten off the floor when they were drunk? Isn't that, like, a rule or something of being drunk? My point is, people keep making a big deal about how he was eating, and I'm just saying to those people, tape yourself eating late night Taco Bell after drinking 8 cranberry and vodkas and then we'll talk. I mean one time I woke up in a hotel room after a wedding with almost my entire body covered in french fries and ketchup. Like John said, at least David Hasselhoff used a plate. That's almost sophisticated as far as drunk eating is concerned.

I did watch The Office last night, and ho. ly. shit. Spoilers to follow. How in the world does it keep getting better and better? I don't get how that's possible. When Andy was floating in the water in that sumo suit in the background of Michael's interview while he was complaining about him being missing, I almost threw up from laughing so hard (and from the vodka). And seriously Creed has been so awesome the past few episodes, and this time was no different. He grabbed a fish out of the water with his bare hand! Then you saw him later holding the fish skeleton and saying, "I didn't know we were having hot dogs." Good Lord.

Please tell me you heard Michael on the bus singing "The Gambler". They never actually showed him, but you could hear him singing, and it was amazing. How did the cast not completely lose their minds? And Stanley was awesome only trying to win so he didn't have to work for anyone in the office. I love Jim, "I've never seen a man's eyes look like that before. I thought I might die. At beach day." I can't believe Michael didn't let Toby go. I was so sad. He was all in his Hawaiian shirt and beach hat. Seriously all the bit players had awesome parts this episode. I love Oscar, "I might try dating women." What about when Michael asked him if he packed his Speedo "because you can't wear leather pants"? Awesome.

Okay Pam? PAM IS AWESOME! Look how she's totally becoming more independent and assertive. It's so wonderful! I was shocked by her speech after walking over the coals. First she called everyone out on not going to her art show. Then she said all that stuff to Jim. "Jim, I called off my wedding for you." And "There were a lot of reasons I shouldn't have been with Roy. But none of them mattered until you." Holy crap his girlfriend was sitting right there!! That was amazing! Please let Karen get the corporate job so our Jim and Pam can be together. Please!!

Okay so this post is not funny at all. I'm sorry. It's like there's enough vodka in my system to make me foggy and confused, but not enough to make this a drunk post which would be both hilarious and humiliating for my family. So today I'm recommending you go visit The Onion. One, because it's awesome and hilarious, and two, because I just went there and saw this headline: "Area Woman Not Yelling At You, She's Just Saying" and that made the lemonade come back up my esophagus a little bit.

My Grey's recap-just in time for the new one

I finally watched it, you guys. For some reason I thought it was the season finale, and I was like, "This is kind of lame." Then I realized there are two more. Question about the previews for next week: who's that whore trying to pick up McDreamy in the bar? Not cool, whore.

Poor Christina. Having to deal with both overbearing mothers making her do the exact opposite of everything she wants. She handled it pretty well. I was really annoyed with Burke for not supporting her more. So he wants a big wedding and she doesn't. Can't they work it out between themselves and come up with a compromise? Why is Burke such an effing pussy around his mom? And also why in the world is he questioning whether he wants to be with Christina or not...AGAIN? I think they'll end up getting married, but Good Lord, writers, can you just stop it with the "do I really want to be with this person" crap? It's getting old.

Addison's new show looks like it could be good. It has a great cast-including the awesome Piz from "Veronica Mars". She and Tim Daly have good chemistry. The first episode guest starred hottie Sark from "Alias". And then there's the number one reason: Taye Diggs. I thought the dynamic between everyone was fun, and I loved when Addison was like, "We're not Mc-ing anything here." Kate Walsh really is likable. And ridiculously beautiful.

Bailey is the greatest ever. When she yelled at George and Burke, I was cheering. I want to be her.

I loved when Ava called Alex out on his BS. "Why are you so good with me and so bad with people you actually have feelings for? What happened to you?" I hope this is foreshadowing of storylines to come where we will FINALLY get more of Alex's backstory. I've said it before, but I think he's the most fascinating character on the show, and we know hardly anything about him. Also, he is just so so pretty. Can I just say here that I'm so glad they didn't go the way of Denny and Izzie with the Alex and Ava storyline. I was so afraid they would have them hook up, but it doesn't look like that's the kind of bond they are forming. And I'm thankful for that. I think it makes it even more interesting. He cares about her as a concerned doctor and now a friend because he was there from the beginning and he wants so desperately to help her and her baby. It's lovely really.

Izzie. At the beginning when she ran up to Christina so unbelievably excited about going wedding dress shopping, I was laughing my ass off. THAT is the Izzie I want back. The one who's annoyingly cheerful and loves everything cheesy. She really is adorable when she's like that. Bring that Izzie back, writers. We're sick of the slutty, marriage-ruining one.

George and Izzie. Ugh. Please make this end. Callie was so awesome in yesterday's episode. She and Christina make awesome friends. Remember at first I didn't really like her? Well she has completely won me over, and I was so sad when I realized she probably won't be on the show anymore. I don't even know what else to say about this storyline. I'm hoping if I pretend it's not happening, it will just go away. However, does anyone else think George looks like one hell of a kisser? I'm impressed, you big nerd!

Oh, Meredith. Even the haters out there have to feel something for her right now. At some point, when do you just stop trying with your dad, Meredith? You'll never be as important to him as his new family. I know he slapped her out of pure and utter grief, but my God. How much more can poor Meredith's heart take? How much more can my heart take!? Every time she turns around she's being disappointed by someone she loves. She was finally feeling happier and now McDreamy's being McAssy and her own dad not only hit her but blames her for her stepmother's death. Oh and her lovely stepmother. I can't believe Mare Winningham will not be on the show anymore. I'm so sad. And she finally made Meredith feel loved and important. Oh my God I can hardly stand it. Here's all I know: McDreamy, get. your. shit. together. ASAP. I don't have time for your whiny-ass games.

Hit me with your best shot

I haven't had time to write up my NYC recap or watch the shows, but the good news is that apparently this person works in my building:
























I can't wait for the day this person gets fired and becomes disgruntled. Where can I buy a Kevlar vest? Preferably one that shows cleavage.

Big Apple bound...but first, some Lost spoilers

I am leaving for New York City in a couple hours. My sister, Drew and I are going to visit my friend Sudha, spend all our money and hopefully stalk some celebrities. We are going to a Yankees game where my sister will most likely flash A-Rod, and I will outwardly clap for the Yankees but silently loathe them. The reason I plan on pretending to be a Yankees fan is because I'm pretty sure that if I don't, actual Yankees fans will kill me dead. It's about survival, you guys. It's my own personal Lost. Saturday we will be going to the Tribeca film festival and then seeing Avenue Q on Broadway which, in case you didn't know, is a musical. Starring puppets. And Gary Coleman. Two words: Bring it. Also I plan on going to Magnolia and getting a cupcake because 1) they are famous and 2) I am chubby and like cupcakes.

I am already preparing myself for the fact that I won't be able to watch tonight's shows until I come back on Sunday so my thoughts on those shows will be delayed (and seriously for those that care what my thoughts are, I just want to say that I love that you care). So I will leave you with my thoughts on Lost and ask that you please discuss in the comments and fill in the blanks because I know I missed stuff. I was so overwhelmed by what was going on.

Truthfully I'm not really sure where to start. I don't think I really have all my thoughts together. Last night's episode was awesome...and weird...and frustrating. Let's just start with the biggie: the declaration by Locke's dad (LD from here on out) that they are dead and in hell. If this is true, I am not happy. It feels like a cop out to me. What would be the point then of people having babies and fertility specialists and kidnapping and psychological testing and smoke monsters, etc? I mean honestly-polar bears in hell? It makes no sense. As soon as he said that they were in hell I was instantly disappointed. However, the mere fact that they had him proclaim it makes me believe it's not true. Lost doesn't give anything away like that. I don't think we'll really find out what the h is going on until the end of the series. LD said that one of the EMTs working on him after his accident smiled at him. Maybe that's because he or she worked for Ben's company and was about to whisk LD off to the island. I mean the accident was not his fault-he got rear ended. And Ben's people have killed before (Juliet's ex-husband).

Speaking of LD, it was pretty obvious just from the previews that Locke was asking Sawyer to kill him instead of Ben. And of course we all already knew that LD was the real Sawyer who our pretty Sawyer held responsible for his parents' deaths. It was nice to see Sawyer finally get his revenge. But nicer to see him be so shaken up by it that he got sick. He's still human (or a tortured soul spending eternity in hell-it's unknown which one at this time). LD was a complete rat bastard to his final breath. Good Lord that man was nasty. He got what was coming to him-death by metal chain strangulation! Nice!

Now as for the Locke story. What the hell is going on? We've been waiting for you? He's not the person we thought he was? What does all of that mean? It's so goddamn creepy. And then the Suddenly Susan guy who gave Locke Sawyer's file told him that he was special to this island and that Ben was jealous. To me, it was already obvious that Ben was jealous of Locke. I just really want Locke to lose his effing mind and kill Ben. How poetic would that be? He doesn't have the stones to kill the man who stole his kidney, stole his money and then paralyzed him, and as a result Ben embarasses him for being a coward then Locke sacks up and kills Ben? That would be beautiful.

I think Locke was being serious when he told Sawyer he was on his own journey now. I don't think he feels that he's on the Losties' side or the Others' side. However, he handed Sawyer that tape recorder and told him Juliet was a spy (lying whore), and I'm hoping that means that when the final battle comes-and it will come-he will come through for our Losties. However, what in the HELL is Ben going to show him in the upcoming episodes? "Are you sure you're ready for this, John?" I'm scared. And how come every time Ben calls anyone by their first name it makes all the hair on the back of my neck stand up. He is so creepy.

When I say final battle, I mean I think we are in for some serious Lord of the Flies shit, y'all. Former friends battling for power. People only being allowed to talk when they have the conch. Everyone shirtless wearing crowns made of vines and leaves. Piggy dying. Wait. I might be taking this too far. But, writers, let's see what we can do about that shirtless thing.

Seriously I don't like where this is heading. First of all, WHAT THE FUCK, JACK!? What do you and Juliet know that you're not telling? I swear to God on everything that is holy, writers, if you make Jack bad I will never ever forgive you for as long as I live. And Juliet, CAN YOU PLEASE DIE ALREADY!? Wipe the shiteating grin off your face and die! I'm not usually this into television death, but this show really brings it out in me. I don't know if I have ever hated a character more than her. Nina on season one of "24" was pretty close. I might have hated her more. Actually she didn't have the smirk so no-I hate Juliet more.

In other happenings,

- Sayid finally had something to do. It's about effing time. Also Desmond told the guys to tell someone they trusted about the parachuter. Did you see his face when he realized they'd told Sayid? He had a big smile like, "Good choice, fellas." I was thinking the same thing. Sayid is the shit.

- One more thing, Danielle is so effing crazy. I like how she just comes onto the Black Rock and is all like, "I'm just here for dynamite." Oh okay, crazy lady. There has to be some significance that she came on the boat while Locke was there. Maybe she'll end up thinking Locke has "the sickness" that forced her to kill her crew years ago.

- Penny did send the parachuter! Yay! She told you she'd never stop looking for you, Desmond! I'm sorry but to me that has to be one of the most romantic things that's happened on the show even though there was no making out and one of the characters wasn't even there. I can't imagine being Desmond and knowing that the woman you love has literally never stopped looking for you. Amazing.

So to summarize: What the hell is going on? Seriously.

I just found this in my purse

Actual notes I took on the 7 different wines I drank at the wine tasting I went to with my family on Friday night-before which I went to happy hour and after which my drunk mother told me I should marry a man who is divorced*:

1. Backwards check mark**

2. Hell no!

3. Didn't make me puke.

4. Okay! Could drink this if I had to. Or if I'm already drunk.

5. GEW!

6. Seriously. Ga-gew.

7. Victory! I'm drunk!

*This is not to imply that my mother is a drunk. In fact she is quite the opposite of a drunk which explains why she was drunk after this wine tasting. It was seriously awesome. God I love my mom.

**Something you don't know about me: I make my check marks backward. I'm not really sure why, but I think it's because my clarinet teacher was left-handed and when she used to mark off the exercises in my book as I would do them, she checked them backwards. Now it's just habit for me. Another possible explanation: I am always drunk.

Great Scott!

Work hates me, and I have had absolutely no time to blog. How about you read this article and freak out with me. So this is like step one of the robots taking over and making us their slaves, yes? That's all I'm saying.