Why I haven't drank wine in a couple of weeks

Krusty's countdown: 5 days. Why haven't you bought your ticket yet?

Have you ever gone out drinking and then over the next few days, bits and pieces of the outing start to come back to you in flashes and you wonder if they're real or if your drunken mind was embellishing or maybe dreaming? That was Sharda's bachelorette party for me. It would go like this:

I'm laying in bed watching "Golden Girls" and suddenly I think, "Wait did I tell Sharda's coworker that I wear cardigans in the bathtub?" Or I'm reading through work emails on my Blackberry and responding to my manager, and an image of me, reflected in a mirror, dancing with an inflatable doll flashes in my mind.

That is what happened to me for 2 days after the bachelorette party. Dammit, bachelorette parties. Dammit, wine. Here's the thing, the bachelorette party was in Geneva on the Lake. If you've never been there, it's a small tourist town on Lake Erie. And there are A LOT of wineries there. And we had transportation to said wineries all night long. And I have no limits or boundaries when it comes to alcohol. So, yes, I did apparently tell a few of my friends and one of Sharda's coworkers that I am too tall to take a bath in my bathtub and therefore too much of my body is out of the tub thus I need to wear cardigans because I am cold. And at one point, I said I wore snowsuits in the bathtub. I'll be honest this conversation is hazy for me, but I have the distinct feeling it went on for waaay too long.

The first winery we went to was where we ate dinner, and I freaked out people who don't really know me that well by claiming Diane's baby as my own. Meg and Lindsay bought a sampler of every wine on the menu, and any time they felt one was too sweet, they gave it to me. Which was a lot. It was lovely. While at dinner, Steph started talking about "The Hills", and how she felt about the finale. She said that she felt like she had been invested in a 6 year relationship where she was being honest the whole time, and the other person wasn't, and she didn't find out about all the lying until 6 years in. In essence, she felt betrayed. At that point, my friend Renee turned to Steph, put a comforting hand on her shoulder and said, "That's exactly how I felt when [ex-husband's name here] was cheating on me." Steph looked at her nodded and said, "So you know then." Awesome.

The next winery started off with a bang when we pulled up and an insanely drunk woman first tried to get into the shuttle van which we had rented for the whole night and then into Diane's car, which transported the rest of us who couldn't fit into the van. Being pregnant at a bachelorette party seems fun and not annoying. Anyway this drunk lady walked up to the passenger door, looked at Christy who was sitting there and said, "Are you getting out?" Then Christy said, "This is our car." The lady, confused, looked at Diane and said, "Is this your car?" Diane said yes and the lady stumbled away. Diane went and parked the car, and the lady followed her. As Diane got out, drunk lady said, "Is this your vehicle?" I love drunk people.

This winery had a live band and a very party-like atmosphere. Immediately Brigid goes, "Oh my God. There are so many older ladies here. I'm going to go do some Mom dancing and try to attract them." Then she ran out onto the dance floor, and did a Mom Dance. And boy did it work. Immediately 3 drunk older ladies came running over to dance with us. They looooved us. One of them screamed out to Sharda not to go through with the wedding because it's the "biggest mistake of her life". Classy. Appropriate. This bar, unfortunately, closed early so it was on to the next one where we pulled up and saw a couple dressed up as a pirate and a...bar wench? I'm not sure what she was, but she was old-timey. We thought they worked there. They did not. I love those people.

Here is where I told my bathtub stories. And started taking candid pictures of my friends and captioning them-real time and out loud-to Renee who laughed really hard and made me feel funny even though, let's face it-after that much wine, there's no way I was funny.

Oh also, I should tell you that I was sick. Like for real sick. I had no voice. Just a raspy, laryngitis-y mess of a voice eeking out sound when it felt like it. Aloyd's sister, who is a nurse, grabbed a pen light and insisted on checking out my throat. She suspected I had an infection. I decided a couple more bottles of wine would take care of it. Brigid, who was wearing a really cute romper, calls that voice Lesbian Party Voice and proceeded to call me LPV all night long. Hmm...I was about to go in to this story about how I called her Romper and it turned into this thing that made us laugh so hard we almost peed, but I just now realize it's really only funny to us. And only when we're drunk.

When we got back to the hotel, Aloyd had bought us all pizza and it was waiting for us in the room. Is that not the sweetest thing you've ever heard? Seriously. So clutch, Aloyd. We devoured it within minutes. Then I danced with Peter Pecker-you guys remember him, right? Our faithful blow up doll who's been with us through good times (all bachelorette parties) and bad (bus accidents)? He is an excellent dancer. Sharda, our hammered bachelorette, made him do dirty things, but I can't show you those pictures. I am a lady (see: this entire post).

Eventually it was time to go to sleep so I went back to my room where I was told by Brigid that I was disgusting and would sleep alone on the sofa bed so as not to infect everyone around me with my crud. Then I didn't do anything weird and went straight to bed the end. Okay seriously...I don't know how to explain what happened next. So I was wearing a dress. Under the dress, I was wearing Spanx. For those of you not familiar, Spanx are body shapers. You wear them to help you suck it all in. For about the last hour of the night, I was lifting up my dress and exposing my Spanx for everyone to see. See that lady on the home page of the web site lifting up her skirt? That was me. I lifted up my skirt and would say, "You guys can't see my Spanx. Cuz their flesh tone." And which point I would snap them. I have no explanation for this behavior. I do the same thing with skorts when I am drunk. So after all the exposing of the Spanx, I'm sure my friends thought they were done having to look at them. But no. Back in the room, I took them off and held them up for everyone to see then proceeded to rub them all over everyone's bed. Why? Why did I do that? What was my end goal? What was I trying to do besides demonstrate that I am a) weird b) gross c) in need of an age reality check? I have problems. Hello my name is Sarah, and I am obsessed with props when I am drunk. Luckily my friends love me for who I am even when that means I am rubbing Spanx on their hotel bed. Let's be honest those comforters have worse things on them.

The next morning, any last remaining voice I had was gone and by the afternoon, I was sicker than I've been in a long time. It turns out Aloyd's sister was right. I did have an infection. I spent the rest of the week missing work, waiting 5 days for my voice to return and flashing back in horror to the Spanx incident. All in all, I'm giving this bachelorette party two enthusiastic thumbs up. Would recommend to a friend.

Less than 2 weeks to the best day of the year

You guys, I totally have a boy at my house right now. He's laying in my lap and just finished licking my face. He likes it when I scratch his belly. Ah-now you're not sure if I'm talking about a dog or a real man. I'm tricky! Obviously I am talking about the Okay Seriously family dog, Henry. He is amazing and perfect. Let me just remind everyone what we're dealing with here:
























Yeah. That's some serious cute right there.

Okay, Clevelanders, it's almost Krusty's time! August 7th at noon. This is literally the greatest party/day ever, and the best part is it's all for a wonderful cause-the Malachi House. The Malachi House provides hospice services to people who have limited or no financial resources. If that doesn't sound like something you want to support, head to the hospital immediately as you are dead inside. They have a MySpace page. I don't really understand MySpace, but you can totally watch videos of the drunken bat races that have taken place there.

The bands featured this year are The Curve and Lt. Dan's New Legs which is an absolutely fantastic name for a band. I actually saw The Curve this past weekend at the Tremont Ale Festival which was basically a party in a park where they gave you as much beer as you wanted for $30. I think the point was to try a bunch of different kinds of beer, but it totally turned into my friend Jen on stage with the band, dirty dancing with a giant Sam Adams cardboard cutout. Anywho, The Curve was fantastic. The girl who does lead vocals has an absolutely killer voice, and they totally play Pat Benetar and Michael Jackson. I'm not familiar with Lt. Dan's New Legs, but this is what's written on their web site: "Lt. Dan’s New Legs (LDNL) is a successful and high profile live hip-hop band that has toured many parts of the world. LDNL delivers the most current music to keep the party moving. Songs are merged so there are no breaks in the set. This creates an environment where it is almost impossible to stop dancing." So bring. it. the. eff. on.

Oh there is one other notable thing about this year's Krusty's: Steph is on the Malachi House board now. How did that happen? Here is exactly how that happened: Steph went to a community meeting for a neighborhood in which she does not technically live. Steph sat next to a woman who's on the board of the Malachi House. Steph left the meeting a Malachi House board member. That is how things work in Steph's world. So now she is actually part of the Krusty's planning process. Also at this same meeting, I'm fairly sure she was recruited by a local councilman to be a part of his campaign for when he runs for mayor in the future. Also...she got to talk to Karl, our Segway tour guide. Maybe I should start going to community meetings. Hahaha-that's a good one.

So...Clevelanders...go get your tickets. Let's do this. Still not sure? Read my recaps of Krusty's past. Understand the beautiful madness. 2009. 2008. 2007. 2006.

Tomorrow's post? Sharda's bachelorette party recap. A quick preview: We drank wine-lots of it. I was sick. Cab driver thinks I'm a lesbian. Romper. Spanx.

Grandparents are funny

Last Thursday my grandma called me and told me that she and my grandfather would like me to enter Susan Boyle's singing competition. When I laughed, she told me, "Now don't you just slough me off, young lady." A couple days ago, they mailed me a newspaper clipping from their local paper about the contest with this note:

"Dear Sarah -

Good Luck - Know you will do great and should be fun for you also.

Love - Grandma and Grandpa"

I promptly lost my voice the next day and have been so sick, I haven't been able to talk until today. Yesterday, that very grandma had to go to the hospital for heart arrhythmia. I called her tonight to see how she was doing, and the very first thing she said was, "Boy you'll do anything to get out of entering that contest."

1. My grandma is awesome.

2. I'm going to need her to get better so I don't completely lose it.

Let's end things on a lighter note. Last week in the store John held this up in my face and goes, "You just got Rip Rolled."

Don't call it a comeback

"You are the worst at the internet. That is all. kisses, B" - my friend Biscuit re: me.

Have any truer words ever been spoken? For real, I was not purposely ignoring the blogosphere. I just have barely been home for the past couple weeks. I won't bore you with all the details of how I've been spending my time, but here are some highlights:

- World Cup. So I like soccer. It's a fun sport...to play. But watching it. Holy jeebus-I'm sorry, other countries and new American fans, but it is bo-ring. Every time someone breaks for the goal, the crowd goes nuts, and I'm like, "Just give it a second. It will immediately be sent back down to the other end of the field." And it always is. No one ever scores. Also enough with the horns. But I will say this: I went to a bar to watch the USA game (where we lost), and it was absolutely packed with hot guys. Like really, super hot young guys. So I shall suck it up and continue to pretend to be in love with this sport.

- Cleveland Wine Festival. Considering that 2 years ago I got so drunk I threw up all over myself and then fell down some stairs, I was justifiably scared for this event. However, Vomit never responded to my invitation and therefore did not make an appearance. Also there were no stairs, hence, no falling down them. Progress, people. Steph was a genius and came up with this idea to tell all the booths that her dad was a wine buyer for a grocery store chain, and they gave us tons of wine without taking our little drink tickets that I think maybe were there to control everyone's drinking? Lame! Also: Steph single-handedly almost knocked over a wine display after which Christy disowned her, and then we stuffed our faces with food. Then we made Prego (that's Diane) come pick us up and take us to get ice cream. Being pregnant seems fun especially when you have insensitive and thoughtless friends.

- Eclipse. A big group of us (and by us I mean inappropriately aged women) went to see the latest Twilight movie. Like the movies before it, it was ridiculous. And I loved it. Also: Taylor Lautner. Why are you so hot, Taylor Lautner? Why are you still 3 years away from being able to legally drink? When he first came on the screen, there was an audible gasp that moved throughout the theater. Also there were some frustrated sighs. From me and Jen. Because he had a shirt on. Then when he finally took it off, the oohs and aahs were even more audible. Especially from me and Jen. And I no longer feel guilty, you guys, cuz he is 18. Gimme.

- Fourth of July. The day before the holiday, we went to Columbus to visit some of our family. 1. My cousin got married in September, and he and his wife have been traveling the world ever since and just got home. I'm not kidding. How awesome is that? I can't believe someone I'm related to did something that cool. 2. We had to sit at the kids table. My mom said, "This table here is the kids table. Under 30." She quickly glanced at me and said, "I mean, under 35." Shut it, Mom. On the holiday, we went to the rooftop of Christy's new apartment building on the lake to watch fireworks. We were just far enough away that we couldn't hear the actual fireworks noises so Drew and I helpfully yelled out "Boom!" People enjoyed it. And by people I mean Drew and I.

- Jewelry making. Periodically, us girls like to get together for a "girls event". This time we went to a place where the entire place is filled with different beads, and you pick out what you want and make your own necklace or bracelet. I am what's called "not creative" so I was terrified. Note: Shannon, who planned this event, was so upset that I called myself not creative she went into supportive teacher/mom mode tand listed out all the reasons why I was wrong. I love Shannon. Anyway I was so stressed out trying to pick out the beads that I was dripping with sweat. I finally had to make one of the ladies who worked there help me pick it all out because I couldn't handle it. Then we sat and made our jewelry and drank wine and ate appetizers, and my friend Renee made me laugh so hard I almost peed. In the end I got some quality time with my ladies and a necklace that looks like a 4th grader could have made it. Now that I have been through it, I really want to do it again. The key is going in knowing what kind of necklace or bracelet you want to make. Also bring someone creative. Also bring Renee.

- My nephew. A couple weeks ago, my mom and I painted the nursery at my sister, Prego's, house. Then last weekend we helped her and Drew register for all her baby stuff. It was awesome and scary, and givememynephew. I can't even tell you how badly I want to meet him. He is definitely not cooked yet, but my sister has popped and is officially the cutest pregnant lady ever. I am already an overbearing and annoying aunt as I cannot stop rubbing and hugging her belly. It's awkward when she is trying to have a conversation with someone. For her, I mean. I really don't care.

- Smashed my arm into the bathroom door handle at work, smashed my shin into the side of my bathtub, stabbed myself in the eye with my mascara wand and rammed my hip into the corner of a church pew as I was walking up to sing. This last one was so hard, I could barely breathe, and I sang the wrong notes for the first line of the song. Afterward, a high school kid came up to me to tell me how much he enjoyed my singing then he asked me if I was in Strongsville Cantorum. Strongsville Cantorum is a high school choir. That I was in. 15 years ago. He asked me if I was in high school, you guys. Amazing and maybe insulting? Amsulting? Insultzing?

Four things before I sign off:

1. Tosh.0. Tell me you watch it. It's effing amazing. I don't like web clip shows so I was late to the party on this one. Then I watched one episode, and I was hooked. The videos are funny, but his commentary is absolutely mindblowingly hilarious.

2. Hot in Cleveland. Why am I in love with this show? I'll tell you why: 1. It's reminiscent of old school sitcoms. 2. Valerie Bertinelli is adorable 3. Really all the leads are very likeable. 4. It's in Cleveland, and they really don't make fun of it. Any ribbing is good natured. Valerie BertandErnie is married to a man from Cleveland, actually, and she loves this city. (Note: the BertandErnie is from "Family Guy" and still makes me laugh) 5. Betty White. That pretty much sums it up.

3. We'll talk about LeBron later. Because ew.

4. This is awesome:

Interlude

Internet, I'm sick. :( Everyone feel bad for me immediately. And if at all possible, look past the fact that I haven't posted anything for almost 2 weeks. And that I'm not for real posting anything tonight. I have many thoughts to share with you. But tonight, I sleep. Quick look at this picture of a shark in a jar!



















Thanks, misdirection.

This is normal

So I just answered this question on formspring, and I have to post it here because even I couldn't believe my own answer.

What's in your purse?

Blackberry
other cell phone
3 pens
deoderant
reusable bag
sunscreen
Aleve
Tums
rewetting drops
2 checkbooks
hand lotion
car keys
loose change
2 bar/restaurant receipts
1 grocery list
iPod Nano
gift certificate to a spa
small black old man comb
4 packs of gum
measuring tape
2 ticket stubs from Indians game
mini notebook
1 tampon
camera
3 wallets
5 packets of ketchup
blank envelope
3.5 x 5 pics of my friend Kim's kids
Twilight ticket stub
Sudoku book
kazoo
corkscrew
hose connector

Just looking at this list, it's a pretty good representation of who I am. Oh here is a picture of my purse:

A quick letter to the ghost that is obviously living in my house

Dear ghost,

What's up? I just wanted you to know that I know you're here. There's no way that picture fell off the wall on its own. When I saw it on the ground, I knew immediately that there was no other explanation. Diane doesn't believe you exist. She says there's some sort of other "reasonable" explanation, but I know better. I was totally watching "The Sixth Sense" before you threw my picture to the ground. I get it.

So welcome to the condo. I realize you have your choice in houses to haunt, and I appreciate that you chose mine.

Oh and one more thing-I don't know if you go back to your ghost friends at night or if maybe you go to ghost work, but if so, could you not tell anyone that after the picture "fell" I called my sister and made her stay on the phone with me as I walked upstairs brandishing a pair of scissors? That is really embarassing. I have my super badass image to protect. Um...I can hear you laughing.

Love,
Sarah

Some announcements

1) Dear Nicorette, fuck you.

2) Okay seriously, people, we need to talk. If you are not watching "Friday Night Lights", why aren't you watching "Friday Night Lights"? I honestly cannot say enough about how unbelievably amazingly breathtaking the past few episodes have been. I am obsessed with all the characters-obviously-but my heart belongs to Matt Saracen. How adorable is this kid*?

























Even more adorable when you watch the show. There was a Matt-centric episode on a few weeks ago and he OWNED it. I honestly am still thinking about. Watch this show, people. Watch. This. Show. You will not be sorry, I promise you. Also I am posting this picture because I found it in my search, and it is so gd sweet. FNL fans will appreciate it:

















3) A week ago we saw Zane Lamprey live. If you aren't familiar with him, it's time to bone up on your Zane trivia. He's the host of "Three Sheets" which is basically a show about alcohol. He travels to different countries and teaches you about alcohol, where it comes from, cultural customs as it pertains to drinking and then he gets completely shitfaced with the locals. It is absolutely glorious. He is hilarious, and so we jumped at the chance to see him live. It was not a disappointment. His live show is a lot like his TV show, but more like a stand up routine. Not only was it hilarious, but it just reminded me how much I like drinking. I realize it's not healthy, and I realize I am judged for it, but I LOVE DRINKING.

After the show, we waited in line to take a picture with Zane and his buddies (Seriously he tours the US with his best friends and just drinks. How do I get this job?). The people in line in front of us handed me their camera and asked me to take a picture of them with Zane-a task at which I failed utterly and completely. In all honesty, this chick's camera sucked, and when I pressed the button nothing happened for like 20 seconds. Unfortunately, that was about 15 seconds longer than they posed. The picture was absolutely awful. Three of the four of them laughed. One man did not. He was super angry. To that man (and his friends) I say: I am SO sorry. At the risk of sounding insincere, I swear I tried, but you guys posed for like 3 seconds and that camera sucks. Still, I claim full responsibility and I am sorry. Like really, really sorry. Please forgive me.

4) This past Saturday we met Kenny Loggins. And by met I mean "saw in concert" (I'm counting it). Listen I'll punch everyone who doesn't think Kenny Loggins is awesome because he is all kinds of awesome. The show was perfect. Kenny was perfect. We were the youngest people at the concert. I love being the youngest people at places. I love Kenny Loggins 4-eva.

5) I am officially having a nephew! Friday we found out my sister is having a boy. Apparently he decided to hang out with his wang out during the ultrasound. Just like his father-who did the same thing during the ultrasound. Just kidding. I think. I wasn't there so I can only hope I'm right about that. More important than anything, the baby is healthy and doing well. Obviously I would've been thrilled no matter the gender, but knowing what it is makes this all more real. And so much harder to wait for him to get here. I cannot wait to watch "The Goonies" with him. After finding out it was a boy, I bought my first present for him:






















Tuxedo bib. Awesome. I laughed so hard I almost peed when I saw this. It took me all of 3 seconds to decide to buy it. Diane said it was a very "Sarah" gift to buy. Drew said it's for formal dining. Givememynephewimmediately.

*In real life he is not a kid so I am not a gross perv. In fact, in real life Zach Gilford is relatively close to my age, it is okay for me to say I want to do dirty things to him. Because, oh Lordy, I surely do. Also, yes please:
























I bet the gentlemen really enjoy this post. It's definitely geared toward them. Should we talk about mani/pedis and periods?

I am an outlaw

A couple weeks ago on a Tuesday night, my friend Jace asked me if I wanted to go see a pre-screening of "Prince of Persia"-the new Jake Gyllenhaal movie. He had free tickets. Obviously I didn't really care about the movie, but I was intrigued by Jake's abs and really just wanted to hang out with Jace. We got to the theater right as it was supposed to start and bought some snacks. As we were paying, a girl came up to us and told us that the theater was full, but she might be able to squeeze us in. A woman and her teenage daughter were behind us, and the mom just went ballistic. "You really can't fit four more!?!?" So Jace and I said, "Let them have the last 2 seats. It's no big deal at all." And the movie lady said, "No that doesn't seem fair. You already bought your snacks and everything. Just all of you come back with me, and we'll see what we can do." Well we started to follow her back, and then the two of us were like, "Ugh...do we care enough about this movie to have to sit probably in seats that aren't by each other? I don't think so." So we stopped walking.

Here's where it got super awkward. Neither one of us could decide what to do. Should we buy tickets for another movie? Or should we just leave the theater and go hang out in the mall? As we stood there looking creepy, Jace whispered, "I bet if we act confident and just walk with purpose, we could totally sneak into another movie."

Let me explain why this is a big deal: Neither of us has ever snuck into a movie before. I realize it's a right of passage for every single teenager in the entire universe, yet somehow the two of us nerds missed out on this. But I mean if there's ever a time to start teenage mischief, it's in your 30's when the consequences could have an actual real negative outcome on your life.

So we decided to go for it. And we walked-with confidence and purpose-directly into the theater that was showing "MacGruber". I'm not really sure why this is the movie we ended up picking . We could see it was in the preview mode so we hadn't missed it, and it looked like the employees had just finished cleaning it so we thought there was a lower probability of being caught. We walked in, and sat down-the only people in the theater. I looked at Jace and said, "I think maybe when kids sneak into a theater, they pick the one that actually has people in it so it isn't as obvious." But hey-we were new to this. Here is basically how our conversation went for the entire 15 minutes we had to wait for the movie to start:

Jace, whispering: "How are you feeling?"
Me, also whispering: "Nervous."
Jace: "Oh my God me too. I am kind of freaking out. What if we get caught? Did you ever get detention?"
Me: "No!"
Jace: "Me neither!"
Me: "Is there such a thing as movie jail? Cuz we're going there."
Jace: "Who will you call to bail you out?"
Me: "I guess my mom. Man that will be an embarassing phone call."
Jace: "Someone's coming! Oh no-it's just a viewer. Not an employee. Phew."
Me: "If I lose my job because I got arrested at the movie theater, I will die."
Jace: "I don't think you and I were cut out for a life of crime."
Me: "Maybe we're overestimating how much the kids who work here actually care about anything happening at this theater. I mean they're teenagers. They don't really care about anything."
Jace: "What if we're underestimating how much they care, and we get that one weirdo nerd who loves his job too much?"
Me: "Crime is hard."

Then the movie started. And it. Was. Horrible. Not that I expected it to be great. I mean come on. But holy crap. It was not good. As soon as it was over, Jace turned to me and said,

Jace: "There is such a thing as movie jail. And it's this movie."
Me: "Karma is a real bitch."
Jace: "The people who work here probably saw us sneak in and said, 'Just let them stay. That movie's punishment enough.'"
Me: "A lesson hard learned, MacGruber. A lesson hard learned."

The moral of the story, kids, is twofold:
1. Stealing is bad, and you will always pay a price.
2. Sneaking into a movie theater in your 30's makes you kind of a nerd as evidenced by the fact that I told my mom this story, and she was basically like, "God-loosen up. They don't put you in movie jail."

P.S. Devo has a new album out today. Devo. As in Whip It. What? Were we waiting for the comeback album?

P.P.S. I watched "Fletch" today. Goddammit that movie is awesome. Everyone go watch it now and bask in how short Chevy Chase's shorts are. He's a genius. That movie rules. Can I borrow your towel for a sec? My car just hit a water buffalo.

P.P.P.S. Does anyone remember the show "Swans Crossing"? Come on, girls my age. Think back to junior high. It starred a pre-Buffy Sarah Michelle Gellar and was AWESOME.

Open letters to some of my friends regarding this past weekend

Dear Gordon and Tracey,
First of all, congratulations on getting married. You guys both looked overjoyed, and it was a lovely sight to see. I am so happy for you. Thank you so much for inviting me and asking me to sing at the wedding. I was so honored.

I'm sorry for anything that happened after the ceremony. In my defense I was very nervous about the singing, and once it was over I was ready to party. Like immediately. Plus Winking Lizard totally knows how to make a Sex on the Beach, and they basically force fed them to me while we were waiting for the reception to start. I mean seriously every time I ordered one, they would just make it and bring it to me.

I think everyone would agree that your first mistake was giving me a kazoo. What a wonderful alternative to throwing rice or blowing bubbles as you left the church. But, oh my, what a spectacular backfire as soon as we left the church. Most people claim to not have loved Drew's and my rendition(s) of "All That She Wants" by Ace of Base, but I firmly believe most people are a bunch of gd liars. Plus wasn't it a refreshing change to hear the kazoo rather than clinking glasses at the reception to indicate everyone wanted you guys to kiss? I personally find the kazoo a romantic instrument. As evidenced by my version of "Wonderful Tonight". The couples dancing to that on the dance floor acted like I was annoying them by playing it inches from their faces, but there's no way that's true. Some people tried to steal the kazoo from me a couple times during the night so I'm sure you can understand why I refused to put it down. God I love kazoos.

One last thing: you really shouldn't have a fan blowing onto the dance floor if you don't want people to do their impressions of Tawny Kitaen in the Whitesnake video. I'm just saying.

Dear Woody,
Thanks for being my personal body pillow on the drive home. I have a fuzzy memory of rubbing your head. Can you confirm this was happening? Can you also confirm that I am hilarious? Because seriously rubbing your head? That's really funny and not-as some might say-annoying.

Dear Jen and Carrie,
We are awesome dancers. No one can take that away from us.

Dear Drew,
We are the greatest kazoo players of all time. We will make a kazoo band and tour our friends' houses. She leads a lonely life, my friend.

Dear Diane,
Thanks for driving on Saturday. I definitely did not immediately consider you my personal designated driver for the summer when you told me you were pregnant so it was a nice surprise when you offered to drive us around. I'm almost positive you offered, right? I was told there was some sort of hissy fit on the ride home as we drove through late night McDonald's when a medium fry was ordered for me instead of a large fry, but seeing as I have no recollection of this, and no evidence was provided, I've concluded it did not happen.

Also please turn over your digital video camera at once so I can delete any and all "moving images" that contain, well, me. Is this going to be a new trend that we can expect? You guys bringing a video camera to our outings? Cuz I say no...no.

Dear Sunday,
Note for the future: Hangovers are not a good present. Please don't bring me one of those again. I am allergic.