Whoa-oh it's magic

Did you guys hear about David Copperfield getting mugged at gunpoint? This is seriously the most hilarious story ever. Not because getting mugged is funny but because apparently he had a ton of money with him, but he used a magic trick to make it look like he didn't have any. I am not even kidding. He used slight of hand to fool the mugger into thinking his pockets were empty. How effing great is that!? Copperfield is a total tool, but he just went up a couple notches in my book. It would've been even more awesome if after he showed the mugger his pockets were empty he pulled a gun out from behind the mugger's ear and performed a citizen's arrest-a magic citizen's arrest.

Some randomness for today

For those of you wondering about John's miracle orange-peeling technique, you can find it here.

Dear Astrocenter, This: "If you've been studying astrology, numerology, or any other occult science, Sarah, today you might find some of the concepts you're studying a bit confusing. It could be that you've glossed over some of the ideas that are prerequisites to what you're looking at now. Go back and review last week's lesson, and then everything might make more sense to you. You'll probably progress that much faster for doing this." is not a horoscope. Thanks.

I would like to announce that with the assistance of Woody's DVDs, I have officially jumped on the "24" bandwagon. And I've never been so happy to have drunk the Kool-aid. Everyone who says this show isn't awesome is wrong. I just finished Season 1, and I just want to say that Nina is a fucking whore.

In case you are wondering how I have time to watch an entire season of "24" in less than 2 weeks, it's because NONE OF MY EFFING SHOWS ARE ON! WTF Grey's, Lost and The Office? Thanks for leaving me hanging. I better see some Alex/Izzie, Meredith/Derek, Meredith/Chris O'Donnell, naked Jack and Jim and Pam action soon or heads are gonna roll.

I hope everyone had a nice Easter-if you celebrate Easter. If not, I hope you had a nice Sunday, April 16th. Mine was really nice except for when we walked into the restaurant to eat and a giant bunny mascot was standing in the doorway waiting to murder me. Sure to the untrained eye it just looked like he was waving, but I know better. I had to take evasive measures (hide behind my dad) and luckily was able to get away. Nice try, killer bunny! Better luck next year! If you guys think I'm being paranoid, just have a look at this.

Holy shit, you guys. What in the sam hell is up with Charlie Sheen?!? He's like some kind of raving psychotic asshole junkie lunatic man! Seriously what is wrong with him? Damn, Charlie, you've fallen pretty low since "Major League". I mean even lower than "Men at Work". Except I do enjoy your show. It's funny and Duckie is on it. And also I am going to marry your brother Emilio. But other than that, we will have no contact. Seriously you guys have to read that whole thing. It's insane. Denise Richards is extremely not smart, but I do hope she and her kids are able to move on with their lives without this total whack-job.

This seems like money and time well spent.

Arts and Crafts: Part 4

The girls are moving out of the apartment within the next couple of months so this is the last time we are going to decorate the holiday tree. After that the tree will be going to the great big fake tree forest in the sky. I know it's sad. Don't worry-I'm sure we'll find some other dumb way to celebrate the holidays. Since this was the last holiday tree, the decision was made that we would decorate for every remaining holiday of the year. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find decorations for holidays that are 6-8 months away? Very. So we improvised. And after seeing the final product I can say with much certainty that we are ridiculous people. Here it is:

























It doesn't look like much, but let's zoom in and take a closer look. First the tree topper:













This was Steph's idea for Cinco de Mayo. She said she went to Arizona, and all the Mexicans she saw there were wearing them. "All the Mexicans wore them!" she kept screaming.

Here's Steph's idea for Mother's Day and Father's Day:

























For the 4th of July we bought some cute garland to put on the tree. Unfortunately the only person who had the energy to put it up was Christy, and her energy was limited at that because she just kind of gave up in the middle:


















On our tree, Put in Bay counts as a holiday:













The party hat is for Kim's 30th in June. Her name's on it, you just can't see it. I made sure not to remind anyone that I, too, am turning 30 this year. No need to put that on the tree. Apparently that blue thing with the moon on it is for the Summer Solstice. Who the hell celebrates Summer Solstice. Dammit Sharda.

I provided the Thanksgiving decorations. First a hand turkey:
















It's kind of a pathetic hand turkey because my hands are freakishly small. Also I took a lot of shit for not knowing how to make the wattle thing under its neck. Like all of a sudden all my friends are experts on turkey wattles. I also provided this gem:



















That's a plastic corn on the cob that I bought at a craft store. And I'm fairly sure it's surrounded by pubic hair.

I put these doll heads all over the the tree for Halloween. This one's laying on the RIP ornament I made. I cannot tell you how creepy they are. I'm so glad I don't have to live in the apartment with those things staring out at me from the tree. I hid one in each of the girls' rooms, too:






















I gave this one the Annie Lennox treatment:









Here's Yanni-the most important part of any holiday tree:

















This is what my little sister made for Labor Day:





















Ga-gew. I thought nothing could be grosser on our tree, but then Sharda made this:














She claims it's a Christmas ornament, but I think we all know that that's totally a va-jay-jay. Sharda, you are a sick perv. To remedy this desecration of the holiday tree, we added this:














My sister made this. I think it has elephantitis of the balls. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that my friends are pervs. Look at what they recorded on their Tivo:














Yeah that's porn. According to Steph that Tivo icon means Tivo recorded it on its own. Okay, Steph, if that's what you want us to believe. All I'm saying is, Tivo takes its direction from other things you are recording. Porn-lover. I wonder how many hits I'll get from people searching on the word "porn-lover".

So that's it-the final tree. I should tell you that all the decorations from the past trees are just laying all over the floor around the tree. We didn't even bother to throw them away. We just tore them down and threw them all over the ground. I'm going to be very sad when we have to take this down. Mostly because where will we hang the paper penises my sister keeps making? I mean seriously it's like, 'Okay, Diane, you can stop making them now.'

Quote of the day

My friend Woody on Sharda's assertion that she won't watch "24" because she hates that everyone she knows watches it and loves it and talks about it all the time:

"Not watching something because everyone says it's good is not a good reason. That's like saying, 'I'm not going to have sex because everyone who has it keeps raving how good it is.'"

While we're waiting...

I need to get my pictures organized from the final holiday tree decorating extravaganza so until I do, here are some crazy church sayings on the sign at the church by my house:

"Sign broken. Message inside."

"Where will you be sitting in eternity? Smoking or non-smoking?"

Awesome.

Nothing about this is remotely sad

I think I'm just going to completely give up on men in light of this new information. A robot would be just as easy to turn on, and if it started to consider moving away I could probably fix that with some kind of software download.

1. Teledildonics is the best word I've ever heard.
2. Look at the picture of that guy. Doesn't he look like someone who would be in the sex toy business.

Recent life-changing events

I'd quickly like to clear up some confusion surrounding the questions Adam asked me the other day (the ones listed below). He was not making fun of me! He's going through some life changes/big decisions right now. I love that some of you jumped to my defense, but don't worry. Adam is good people. Adam, if you were making fun of me then we might have to break up and/or come to blows.

Okay now onto the life-changing events that have taken place recently:

1. I got a subscription to Real Simple. Words cannot tell you how much I love this magazine and how old it makes me feel. It's one of 2 things* I bought myself with my bonus money. When I got my first issue, I was like Ralphie from "A Christmas Story" when he got Little Orphan Annie's decoder ring in the mail. I ran inside as fast as I could and ripped it open only to find it completely filled with ads for Ovaltine. Wait-that part's not true. I really found it filled with complete amazingness. I wish I was one of those women. The women who are so together they even have time to write a magazine article about how they are so together and how I can be together, too!! They have tips and tricks for everything. I am not an organized, together person. I am a discombobulated, harried person. These women are to me what cowboys were to little boys when my dad was young. That may be sad, but, God, I just really don't care when I am reading about 20 tips that make cleaning my house a breeze.

2. Last Saturday night at 2:30am, I ate Taco Bell. What's so life-changing about that, you ask? How about this:

a) I hate Mexican food
b) In 29 years and 4 months of life on this Earth, I have never eaten anything from Taco Bell except some nacho chips a few weeks ago. Which I threw up.

I do not like Taco Bell. But at Diane's insistence-okay and the vodka's insistence-I had a taco. And despite not being a huge fan of the spiciness, I rather enjoyed this first experience and would consider eating this at 2:30am on a drunken night again in the future. Lettuce, cheese, sour cream-all good for a chubby bubby like myself.

3 & 4 are because of John. Yes-John has changed my life in 2 significant ways.

3. We made a deal that if I don't start getting up and working out before work, I had to give him something. What is the something he came up with? I have to tell him what I weigh. John, I now know, is an evil genius because he knows there is no way in hell I am ever telling him or anyone else how much I weigh so I pretty much have no choice but to get up and work out or he'll be mad at me, and I really don't want him to be mad at me. As a result of this bet, I have gotten up at 5:45am 3 times in the last week to work out. I don't know if I can put into words just how monumental this is for me. You know how the Declaration of Independence being signed was monumental to U.S. history? This whole working out before work thing? Same ratio of monumentalness to Okay Seriously history. And by that I mean I am now a free country and can elect whoever I want as President. Therefore I elect…Dane Cook. Congratulations, Dane! Meet me in the oval office (sometimes I call my bedroom "the oval office").

4. He taught me how to peel an orange in roughly half the time and with a tenth of the frustration that it used to take me. Observe:

Pre-John:

















Post-John:
















Shop, thank you so much for your contributions to both my health and my orange-eating habits. You are a great friend.

*The second was a male escort.

We are the normal

Since I declared myself the person who decides what is normal and what is not, Adam had a few questions for me which I will answer now.

Q: Is it normal to pretend to be not nice to totally disguise the fact that you might actually be nice and therefore boring?
A: Pretending to be not nice means you have to not be nice to do it. So really that means you are not nice. My logic is infallible. Do not try to prove me wrong.

Q: Is it normal to have absolutely no aspirations, or career goals, or actually any goals, you just like seeing stuff happen?
A: Yes. Life goals are for pansies.

Q: Is it normal to put the 2 minute noodle flavouring after you've cooked and dished up said noodles?
A: Absolutely. In fact I used this very method while cooking flavored rice last night. While I will say this behavior is "normal", the resulting food does not really "taste good". I enjoy the 'u' in flavour by the way. I think I will start using this and pretend I am from Australia.

Q: Is it normal to say 'waaaghagabaloogerashimshimsallysciparamaandingdongerdooo" as a legitimate response to important life questions?
A: No. This response is only to be used when you are asked the question "What did you think of the movie "Lost in Translation"?" Really try to emphasize the "dongerdooo".

Matthew also had a question he needed answered about what is normal.

Q: Is it normal to not throw away a christmas tree and then decorate it for every subsequent holiday?
A: Um...I'm not sure where you're going with this one, Matthew, but yes it is normal behavior for mature adults. By the way we have our next and final decorating party next Wednesday. Just wait till you see what we have cooked up. It's going to be awesome. And completely normal.

Seriously

Um...me. And you're not.

Happy 48th [cough-57th-cough], Dad!

I didn't get a chance to post, but yesterday was my Dad's birthday. I just wanted to wish a happy birthday to the man who loves my sister and I so much he put a 6 foot orange flag on the back of each of our bicycles when we were little so he could see where we were at all times. Thanks for embarassing us and for caring enough about us to do it, Daddy. I love you!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

There has to be something else going on in the world

Here is a chart displaying how much I care about Katie Couric in relation to which show she is on:

















You may notice there isn't any line on this. That is because it is at 0. What Katie Couric does affects me...oh let's see...not in any way, shape or form. So please, every newspaper, radio station, TV show and online news outlet: Stop effing talking about her before I totally lose my mind.

Random thoughts for April 4th

- I get my horoscope emailed to me everyday from Astrocenter, and every once in a while they send along other emails trying to get you to buy stuff off their site. I came in this morning, and the subject line on the first email in my inbox was "Find true love in this lifetime". Hey-thanks for the vote of confidence, Astrocenter. This is encouraging.

- Tom Cruise on upcoming wedding plans with Katie: "First the baby, then the film. Then, in summer, we want to get married. I won't let this woman get away." Nothing about that last sentence is creepy or alarming.

- My family and I went to look at open houses on Sunday, and this one house we went to was gorgeous, but it was in a shady neighborhood (i.e., 300lb lady in a mumu with her ta-tas almost coming out of the armholes sitting out in front of her house lined with fake plastic tulips). Even all the other people at the open house were shady. When we were leaving, a mullet family was walking up the driveway. Mullet Dad took one look at the garage and said, "Well, I know where I'm storin' my Camaro." I don't know, Mullet Dad-1985 maybe?

I heart muscle relaxers

Sorry for the drunk post on Saturday, folks. Gordon and Danielle forced me to do it. And Sharda sat by me the whole time and fixed my spelling mistakes. It was totally not annoying to be in the middle of typing and then have her hit the Backspace key every 5 seconds.

On Saturday we had our first football game of the spring season. Since I'm a superjock (jock means alcoholic, right?), I felt I had to make an impression. And I did. On some guy's face. This guy and I were running really fast at each other (okay he was running fast-I was attempting to run but probably looked like I was jogging in place), and we ran into each other full force and smacked heads. His eye socket, my cheek. I was instantly dizzy, had an instant headache and instantly started crying. I had to go down to my knees until I could see again and get through the worst of it. And what about him, you ask? Oh he was fine. He was like, "We knocked heads. I banged my eye socket." Then he kept playing. It definitely didn't make me feel like I was being a baby. After a few minutes I went back in-once when I wasn't supposed to. I blamed it on the head injury.

Two days later, it looks like I am the victim of domestic violence. The left side of my face is bruised and cut. When people notice it and ask me what happened I just say, "[Insert name of someone nearby] hits me when I talk back." As of this morning my upper back is spasming to the point where I can't lift my head up. So currently I am covered in Icy Hot and high on muscle relaxers. Take a number, gentlemen. I am as hot as they come. Or should I say, Icy Hot.

I want to talk about Grey's, but my head is fuzzy, and my fingers are no longer responding very well to my brain commands. I will say 2 things, though, that I need to get off my chest:

1. The Izzie and Denny storyline has got to go. It is creepy beyond belief. That relationship is so inappropriate. She didn't just cross the line. She destroyed the line and then laughed at its sad dead line corpse while she flipped it the bird. It looks like they might address that next week with Bailey being the one calling her out thank goodness. It's about time. Also, literally everything Denny talks about is how hot Izzie is or how he wants to get in her pants. They have never had a conversation about anything else ever. Creepy. And if he's so great and charming, how come no one ever comes to visit him?? Huh??? Maybe because he is a dirty perv.

2. Chris O'Donnell!!!! Fantastic surprise, Grey's. It's about time O'Donnell was back in the game. He's quite yummy.

Okay if I don't stop typing now, this is going to turn into another drunk/high post, and no one wants that. Peace out motherbitches.

Poodleballing and skunking

What's up bitches!!! We got Gordo, Danielle and me blogging at you on location from Sharda's pad out in the OF. So what's going on? I have champagne. Gordo has rum and coke. And he is the only guy here with 12 girls. Total sausage fest except not. there are all these girls and no action for gordo.

Danielle says "I fucking loves you guys, man". Oh really hor because you never update your effing blog hor.

Sharda wants to be mentioned but she has nothing to say. You're ruining my blog, Sharda.

Gordo's message is as follows: "I have a coke can. Lick my balls." That one's for you ladies out there.

I think we should all rock the cradle of love. I start with you, Billy Idol. Let's rock it. Sharda's party is fun except when she spellchecks my shit. The NASCAR people are hereby not invited to her next party except Bob because he has a sweet ass. don't read this, Carrie. Sharda just spilled.

Gotta go--Step by Step is on. NKOTB forever hors!!!!!