Monday, April 24, 2006

Arts and Crafts: Part 4

The girls are moving out of the apartment within the next couple of months so this is the last time we are going to decorate the holiday tree. After that the tree will be going to the great big fake tree forest in the sky. I know it's sad. Don't worry-I'm sure we'll find some other dumb way to celebrate the holidays. Since this was the last holiday tree, the decision was made that we would decorate for every remaining holiday of the year. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find decorations for holidays that are 6-8 months away? Very. So we improvised. And after seeing the final product I can say with much certainty that we are ridiculous people. Here it is:

It doesn't look like much, but let's zoom in and take a closer look. First the tree topper:

This was Steph's idea for Cinco de Mayo. She said she went to Arizona, and all the Mexicans she saw there were wearing them. "All the Mexicans wore them!" she kept screaming.

Here's Steph's idea for Mother's Day and Father's Day:

For the 4th of July we bought some cute garland to put on the tree. Unfortunately the only person who had the energy to put it up was Christy, and her energy was limited at that because she just kind of gave up in the middle:

On our tree, Put in Bay counts as a holiday:

The party hat is for Kim's 30th in June. Her name's on it, you just can't see it. I made sure not to remind anyone that I, too, am turning 30 this year. No need to put that on the tree. Apparently that blue thing with the moon on it is for the Summer Solstice. Who the hell celebrates Summer Solstice. Dammit Sharda.

I provided the Thanksgiving decorations. First a hand turkey:

It's kind of a pathetic hand turkey because my hands are freakishly small. Also I took a lot of shit for not knowing how to make the wattle thing under its neck. Like all of a sudden all my friends are experts on turkey wattles. I also provided this gem:

That's a plastic corn on the cob that I bought at a craft store. And I'm fairly sure it's surrounded by pubic hair.

I put these doll heads all over the the tree for Halloween. This one's laying on the RIP ornament I made. I cannot tell you how creepy they are. I'm so glad I don't have to live in the apartment with those things staring out at me from the tree. I hid one in each of the girls' rooms, too:

I gave this one the Annie Lennox treatment:

Here's Yanni-the most important part of any holiday tree:

This is what my little sister made for Labor Day:

Ga-gew. I thought nothing could be grosser on our tree, but then Sharda made this:

She claims it's a Christmas ornament, but I think we all know that that's totally a va-jay-jay. Sharda, you are a sick perv. To remedy this desecration of the holiday tree, we added this:

My sister made this. I think it has elephantitis of the balls. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that my friends are pervs. Look at what they recorded on their Tivo:

Yeah that's porn. According to Steph that Tivo icon means Tivo recorded it on its own. Okay, Steph, if that's what you want us to believe. All I'm saying is, Tivo takes its direction from other things you are recording. Porn-lover. I wonder how many hits I'll get from people searching on the word "porn-lover".

So that's it-the final tree. I should tell you that all the decorations from the past trees are just laying all over the floor around the tree. We didn't even bother to throw them away. We just tore them down and threw them all over the ground. I'm going to be very sad when we have to take this down. Mostly because where will we hang the paper penises my sister keeps making? I mean seriously it's like, 'Okay, Diane, you can stop making them now.'


russ said...

So when is V-Day? I want to make sure to celebrate one of my top ten of the 2000 body parts.

Also, corn-pubes = eww.

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

Thanks for the Yanni. It's the first time I've thought of that pan flute fruit since college, when I tossed a tape of his out the window of my friends car.

'Cuz that's how I react to Yanni.

Oh, that girl. said...

Wonderful tree. I expecially love the va-jay-jay and penis ornaments. Very cool. I wonder why you haven't commented on the fact that Grey's hasn't aired a new eppisode in FOREVER and then when they do air one, its just a recap of all the other damn episodes! Seriously? Seriously!

Gordon said...

Couple of things here:

1) That is definitely a vagina. Sharda, you are totally sick. I mean, seriously.

2) I think the thing I'll miss most about the holiday tree (other than paper genitals) is the poetry. Really, having myself idolized in poetry=priceless.

3) Sarah, you forget, your sister will be living with Drew most likely. There'll be plenty of places for paper penises.

John said...

your sister really makes a lot of paper dongs. it reminds me of that one PM Dawn song, Paper Dong. ......"One of these days I think you will find yourself a paper dong, (paper dong), paper dong"

Johnny Virgil said...

I am sad to admit that somehow I know this, but Shammy, the pan flute fruit was Zamphir. He was, by all accounts, the king of the pan flutes.

If there actually were a country of pan flutes somewhere for him to rule with an iron fist.

Matthew said...

I dont think I have hidden my displeasure about your recent drought when it comes to the tree, but i have to say that this totally made up for all of that. And I shall be referring back to this post for the rest of the year. Because I need my creepy doll head and vagina decoration fix...

Cameron said...

The tree is bitchin!!!! Kind of curious of the hat, I am half Mexican living in Arizona and don’t own one. Now I’m feeling a little left out. Soooo, I did a little research and found a picture from the immigration march thingy. It confirms that Steph is partially right. Here is proof of one Mexican out of hundreds of thousands wearing one. Was Steph maybe at a rodeo and/or had toooooo much tequila???

Kukka-Maria said...

I'm so sad to see the short-lived tradition of the "holiday tree" pass on. The only thing carrying me through at this point is the warm feeling I get when I see you honoring the "Mother of the Year" for Mom's Day.

What's a cracked skull when you have more money, Cheetos and Red Bull than God and a husband with such strong street cred?


ALoyd said...

Oh the things that twenty-somethings will do when they have too much time... Usually they involve paper reproductive organs. Like the pin-the-donger-on Peter-OToole. At our house, you probably saw the 3-D dong on the snowman hanging on our wall. We refuse to take that down because I spent like an hour trying to figure out how to do it. I made charts, graphs, artist renderings, had to determine lighting implications, etc.

Anonymous said...

Cameron, I'm sorry if I misunderstood the popularity of the hat. Though, as we speak I am in Phoenix and I have my digital camera, so I will be sending photos on to Sarah to back me up. And also, this is a horrible admission, dreadful really since I'm a raving liberal hating Walmart gal, but when I was at Walmart out here last trip, I saw many people wearing the hats, hence the reason I bought one. It may simply be what Walmart customers do. Dammit, I sort of admitted to once being a Walmart customer!

Sharda you are perv! And Sarah, I found the doll head on my book shelf in my room later that night, I may have screamed. Thanks!


Cameron said...

Steph you are so right I apologize. I totally forgot about the Wal-Mart factor. Also look in front of Home Depots (aka: day labor central) early in the morning.