Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Things I learned on Friday

1. Diane and I are not good wingmen.
Steph was trying to talk to this guy, G, who she already knew and made out with several years ago. Diane went over to sit with her since G had a friend with him. I walked over several minutes later, and Diane and Steph were singing "All At Once" by Whitney Houston. 'What a couple of losers,' I thought and then immediately joined in. Then Steph got up and left. So we waited a couple minutes. And nothing. She just left us with two people we didn't know. It was incredibly awkward. The guys were just smoking, and Diane was just sipping her drink through a straw as if her life depended on it. So it was up to me. Not able to take the silence anymore (silence makes me nervous), I actually heard myself say the words, "So what do you do for fun?". So what do you do for fun!? What? Almost immediately I stammered, "No I mean do you play sports or anything?" And while they answered graciously, I knew things could only go downhill from there.

And I was right.

A few minutes after the what-do-you-do-for-fun debacle it got quiet again. Then incredulously Diane said, "So...do you guys like Peter Cetera?" I am not even kidding. It was amazing. They thought she asked if they liked Pantera so we got a few more minutes conversation out of that. At that point nobody was even trying anymore. I asked if they liked Celine Dion and pointed to G's friend and said, "I know this guy does. He listens to the tape when he's in his car alone." Basically what I'm saying is, don't let us be wingmen. We don't know what we're doing.

2. Steph is a hot little piece.
Including G, guys were basically lined up to talk to her. At one point we were joking about implementing a number system. It was ridiculous. At the last bar we went to we were sitting there talking when a guy walked into the bar and made a bee-line for Steph. At first we thought he knew her because he really just went right for her. He walked up to her, grabbed her hand, mumbled something in Drunk Guy and then kissed her. Then he said, "I'm going to go get a drink. I'll be right back." (I speak Drunk Guy). But Diane, doing a complete 180 from her Cetera/wingman routine earlier, grabbed him and said, "Give her a goodbye kiss!" Then she literally shoved his head toward Steph's. So naturally Drunk Guy stuck his tongue down Steph's throat. It was fantastic. I almost fell off my chair I was laughing so hard...and because I had A LOT of daiquiris that night. Gordo looked pissed, but he was just jealous because he is Steph's girlfriend. Whoops-I meant boyfriend, Gordo. Just cuz you hang out with the girls all the time does not make you a girl (yes it does).

3. We were really drunk. Okay we were really drunk. Steph was ridiculously drunk.
Besides making out with a stranger, Steph had a busy night. At one bar she was kicking boys as they walked by to get them to stop. At another she was pinching every guy's butt. One of her victim's girlfriends saw her do it, and Steph screamed, "I got caught!" and ran away. Then we made a group of boys shake their butts for us. I say "we" because I'm trying to take some of the heat off Steph but really it was all her. One poor guy had to do it 3 times, and on the 3rd time he shook his ass right into his drink and spilled it all over the place. I felt really bad so I bought him a new one. As I said, "It was a butt-shaking gone awry, and we are semi-responsible for that." After Drunk Guy did his tonsil exam on Steph, we left to go home. We were 2 blocks from Diane and Steph's place so naturally we took a cab. While Gordo ran to get it, Steph was kicking people as they walked by and saying, "Hey! I just made out with a stranger in there!!" When we got in the cab, the driver said, "Okay do I just take this road to Clifton?" and Steph replied, "I made out with a stranger in the bar, sir. He put his tongue in my mouth." With those directions we made it home safely, and spent $3 on the cab. Then we ordered pizza because as Steph said, "It's either puke or pizza, ladies, and I just stuck my finger down my throat and couldn't puke so let's do this."

4. Steph is amazing.
Please see above.

I will end with this:


Anonymous said...

ummmmmmm Steph - we need to talk
Aunt N

Anonymous said...

Unlike your dear Aunt Nancy, I would just like to tell steph how proud i am that you are my maid of honor this weekend...and how relieved i am that you got that out of your system this weekend and won't be kicking people at my wedding :o)

Mon said...

Public intox is the most fun. For some reason it's more fun to have strangers secretly make fun of you.
And, no way you got NKOTB to sign something to you. I don't believe it. You're lying. Obviously, Donnie Wahlberg was too busy signing your poster, to accept my marriage proposal.

Anonymous said...

Dear God. I had meetings all morning, I return to emails from exboyfriends, best friends, and family members, who have all seen this blog, commenting on my lack of propriety before i had a chance to prepare myself.

If they only knew how immediatley after Drunk Guy made out with me, I turned to you, before the body was even cold, and offered you an outrageous sum to tell the world. Man, am I rethinking that drunk move now.

And you and Diane weren't exactly innocents that night either...but I'll take the fall. Abby, it isn't out of my system, I woke up the sleeping giant...no single man is safe this weekend, sound the alarm now. -Steph

slcup said...

I'll get to the story in a minute. I'm so incredibly jealous that you have an autographed NKOTB poster. Holy hell I love them!

Great story. I'll be your wingman - I'm excellent.

Violet said...

That's awesome!

Sir's Pet said...

I used to love NKOTB when i was in Jr High...to the point where it was crazy. Hugs to you LOL

"AG" said...

I love going out with you girls vicariously. So fun, and no hangover!

Johnny Virgil said...

Steph, I've never met you, but I want to.

Adam said...

Can I get a signed photo with you, Steph and Diane?

Anonymous said...

Adam, I only sign boobs...sorry. JV, you only want to meet me because Sarah makes me sound drunk and easy...which I totally am. -Steph

Nessa said...

I would like to join your merry band of deliciously inappropriate, drunken, and outrageously sexy harpies. Where do I sign?