Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Summary of text messages sent to and from Danielle last night while I was using the instructions she sent me for making fish

Okay Seriously, 4:00pm: Hey im gonna make fish 2nite. 4 the broiling-do I move the rack up at all? do I keep the oven door open?

Hor, 4:02pm: Keep the door open a little and just have the rack in the center. U might not have to move it at all. Do u know what I mean about the door?

OS, 4:04pm: Yep. omg im nervous! i'll let u know how it goes

OS, 5:35pm: Could not have gone worse. it caught on fire, smoke alarms went off and its possible I broke the oven. Henry crapped himself. um I think I did something wrong.

OS, 5:36pm: P.S. the peas look great and i cannot stop laughing

Hor, 8:14pm: Uh, I hope u took pics of this fiasco

In fact I did not take pictures of this fiasco because I was too busy trying to make sure my house didn't catch on fire. Also I was trying to calm down the dog who was basically wrapped around my leg and trembling with terror. Also I was seriously laughing so hard I almost peed my pants.

When I told Diane what happened her first words were, "WHY ARE YOU SO BAD AT COOKING??" She quickly tried to backpeddle by bringing it down to this: "Why do you have the worst luck with food?" Thanks for trying to be nice, Diane, although it was a pretty weak attempt. Just because I set the fish on fire yesterday and on Saturday when I was making muffins I put in 1 and 3/4 cups of milk instead of just 3/4 cup doesn't mean I am a bad cook. It means I am an exceptionally bad cook. God, seriously, will someone who knows how to cook come and marry me already? I don't care if you are male or female. You just have to stop me from burning down my neighborhood.

P.S. Thanks to everyone who defended me from the meanie who apparently hates people who steal (what's up with that?). You guys are awesome.

P.P.S. Seriously, George is gay. I have excellent gaydar, and I did not pick up on this. I feel bad he was forced into coming out because of Isaiah Washington, apparent homophobe, but obviously it doesn't make me love him any less. Hey-if Tom Cruise can act like he's straight in movies, there's no reason George can't. Love you, George!!

P.P.P.S. Crazy church sign saying by my house: "Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"

8 comments:

russ said...

Broilers are definitely level two cooking. I almost burned down Shop Dungarees' house when I threw some nachos under the broiler and decided it was a good time for a house tour.

PS George had a great line, something like "I hope beign gayisn't the most interesting thing about me".

StrangerDanger said...

I totally burned one of those indestructible personal round Red Baron pizza's yesterday...this new toast-r-oven apparently is powered by liquid hydrogen.

Otherwise though, I am a fabuluous cook and made my wife breakfast in bed every weekend when we dated (no breakfast burrito jokes needed).

Keep trying! Wear an asbestos suit though

Anonymous said...

OK Sarah, next time I see you, BEFORE the wine, you get a cooking lesson. Maybe some other of your friends should join us even though I won't mention names! I love to cook!
Aunt N

Carly said...

Geez it's not like Isaiah had to get in a shower with George or anything. What a crab.

I heart George. I still heart Callie, but she was kind of ehhh last week. I'm sure this week she'll do better.

AG said...

Hey I haven't seen you around my blog in forever. I don't care if you smell like burned fish, come visit!

Sarah said...

AG! I'm so sorry! I swear I haven't forgotten about you, and I still love you. I can't get to livejournal at work so I don't get to get there that often. I'll check it out tonight!

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

Church signs are getting crazier. There's one I pass on the way in to work that says, "Get down on you knees and beg, beyatch!"

Harsh.

Aspiring Polymath said...

There was a sign on a church near my work that confused me at first, then shocked me:

"Ask me how body piercing saved my life."