Tailgating at OSU in two words: Insane Asylum

Seriously that place is wild. I went there about four years ago for the same game, and that was the year the campus and surrounding areas were completely trashed and set on fire. I did not see any of it because I was too drunk and eating at Cooker and then apparently at a party of which I have no recollection but am told by several eyewitnesses that I was, in fact, in attendance. However, I did see the aftermath of the riots, and it almost made me cry it was so bad. The city was ruined.

Shortly after that, Columbus created some new laws and really started strongly enforcing existing ones to avoid a repeat performance. And except for a few rare cases, it has worked. There are still roughly 12 billion people for every square foot of space, but no one set me on fire or turned over garbage cans. At least not where I could see.

We spent a lot of our time at a friend's giant RV. It sounds trashy, but it was the most beautiful RV I have ever seen. It was nicer than my place. Literally, Matt's apartment is smaller than this RV. It had 3 plasma screens (one facing outward) showing the game in HD, a giant beer fridge that looked like a vending machine and more food than I have ever seen at a tailgate in my entire life. Plus they provided all the drinks and asked for nothing in return. They even had girlie drinks for me. Um-hello. Why haven't I known you all my life.

I have to be honest with you. I was drunk by noon so the whole day was kind of a blur with some particular moments sticking out in my mind. It's hard for me to form a cohesive thought under normal circumstances so trying to come up with a cohesive narrative for Saturday is like asking Colin Farrell to take a shower-it's just not going to happen.

Here are the things I remember most:

- OSU kicking ass. Not once was I nervous that we wouldn't win. I don't know why, but I was very relaxed. It might have had something to do with all the Bacardi Breezers and Downhome Punch running through my veins.

- Within an hour of being at the tailgate, Steph got molested. Here it is in her words: "He stuffed his tongue down my throat within the first hour of the tailgate. Then later he straddled my lap, licked my neck, tried to kiss me and when I turned my head gave me razor burn all over my face and then decided to take off my boot so I could have a foot massage in the RV parking lot. When it was time to go, he had his hand wrapped in my belt to the point that Bob had to pry him off, finger by finger." What a catch! This same person made me drink scotch later on in the night, and as soon as it went down it tried to come back up again. I am truly a disappointment to my father who loves scotch like I love Salt and Vinegar Pringles. He always wanted his girls to do 3 things: drive stickshift, ski and drink scotch. I can do 2 out of the 3. I hope that's good enough, Dad. You still have hope with Diane because she can sip scotch without immediately vomiting. And that's what every father wants for his daughter.

- In the afternoon we walked around near the stadium and it was madness. Some guy walking by Steph handed her his OSU jacket to keep. He said, "Here you go. You can have this." He just gave her his jacket. Upon hearing this story one of her friends was prompted to say, "Do you just walk around with one of your breasts hanging out? Is that how this stuff happens to you?" Truth be told she does not. Though can you imagine what would happen if she did. She could probably quit her job and never have to worry about money again. Men would just buy her everything she needs.

- At one point I was talking to Paul and Matt, and I doubled over in laughter and spilled my full drink all over some little kids. Paul had to cross his legs to keep from peeing his pants.

- In the RV, Drew, Tony and I started talking to this girl we didn't know. Drew and I immediately went into wingman mode, and we were AWESOME. You have never seen wingmaning done with so much deftness. At first I stumbled when she asked how old Tony was and I said 35 as a joke (he has some grey hair). But I quickly recovered, peppering the conversation with great facts about Tony. At one point he left to go to the bathroom and Drew and I started talking about his job. I started gushing about how mysterious and important it was. Listen I don't want to brag, but I was a master. It was as if I was doing exactly what I was born to do: trying to get Tony some action. Truthfully he doesn't really need anyone's help in that arena, but in this case I think Drew and I proved invaluable because a little while later they were making out in the kitchen of the RV in front of everyone. Something else happened in front of everyone that we all missed, but I will not mention it here because it is highly inappropriate. All I'll say is FB.

- On the way back to the car we had to run across the street. Since there was a break in the cars, we took the opportunity and all started running. Suddenly Diane yelled "Curb!" and Bob was flying through the air. He landed hard, sprawled out on his hands and knees. About 5 seconds later, Carrie (Bob's wife) was on the ground on her side. There was a concrete median in the middle of the road, and the only two people who didn't see it were Bob and Carrie, the drunkest couple of them all. I just remember Meg dragging Carrie on the ground by one arm trying to get her out of the street so she wouldn't get run over. And while I probably should have been more scared, I literally couldn't stop laughing. However, just so you don't think I am a horrible person, the cars were pretty far away, and I don't think they were in any real danger. Although laughing at my friends who are bleeding from the knees and can't walk without limping doesn't really make me a nice person, does it. So be it. It was really funny.

- Perhaps my favorite story of the trip is one I didn't witness but heard about just yesterday. Paul, Jen, Tony, Matt, Drew and Gordon went out later on that night. Tony passed out in the car on the way there so they dropped him off at their friend's house rather than waking him up. At 4am he woke up not sure of where he was. He walked out into the living room and saw Matt sleeping on the ground. He went over by him, made himself a little bed and went to sleep. A couple hours later he woke up and Matt was spooning him. He was confused but was too drunk to deal with it so he just went back to sleep. A little while later he woke up again, and Matt was closer and he could tell that Matt was staring at him intently. Tony thought, 'Okay, Matt, I mean I guess it's okay if we cuddle but I'm not going to kiss you.' He spent the next several minutes very uncomfortable and finally was able to roll away. The next morning he woke up and Matt was gone. He told Paul and Jen what happened and how freaked out he was, and they said, "Matt's not even here. He slept at Kurt's house." Yes. Tony spooned and almost made out with a guy he didn't know. I am not doing this story justice in any way, but trust me when I say it was one of the funniest stories I've ever heard.

- Bob called a Blackberry a Cranberry. I know this doesn't seem funny, but I laughed about it for 20 minutes.