Thursday, December 21, 2006

Breaking ball news

I need to thank Nessa for pointing out this most amazing news article. It must be dealt with immediately.

It honestly took me a while to comprehend what I was reading. Some comments:

1. It seems like this took a long time to be invented. Wonderbras have been around for years. It's about time women get to share in the disappointment of taking someone home from a bar and realizing as the wondercup comes off that they've been lured in by false advertising.

2. "It basically lifts, separates and extends." Extends? Extends?? Somebody, please tell me how underwear can possibly extend anything. I don't see how that is ever going to happen. Plus I'm not sure I want to spend a lot of time around men who are constantly in a state of extension. I mean it would definitely make business meetings pretty uncomfortable.

3. "This design uses all of the natural assets of the person, whether they be big, small or indifferent." Indifferent? That is honestly not a word I have ever seen used to describe the male anatomy. I looked it up and one definition of indifferent is "of only moderate amount, extent, etc. " so I suppose it works, but who uses the word 'indifferent' in that way? I can just see two girls doing their locker room talk:

Slut 1, whispering and giggling: So...how big was it??
Slut 2: Oh I don't know. It wasn't too big or too small or anything, but it seemed pretty apathetic and uncaring about the whole thing. I'm going to die alone.

4. The underwear features a "wondercup", a pouch used to "separate and stop squashing". Okay, fellas, is this good or bad? I understand that not having your berries squashed is a good thing. But separating them? Really? It sounds painful. And quite frankly does not provide an appealing image in my head.

I'm going to need one of you gentlemen to buy one of these and test it out to tell me if it really works. It's all in the name of science, and I promise you won't have to tell us if you started with big, small or indifferent assets.

P.S. The new version of blogger has this feature where you can label your posts under general categories, and I so wanted to label this one "ball separation".

16 comments:

Gordon said...

Yeah, that seriously looks gross.....

matt said...

I'm willing to bet it doesn't so much separate the two berries from each other...but maybe the twig from the berries...stack them up or something in individual compartments and therefore maybe appear to be a taller bulge in the front of the ol' pants? I don't know. (Incidentally, if I were saying this and not typing it I'm pretty sure there would be hand gestures involved to really get my point across.)

Sarah said...

Matt, as I read your comment I was already picturing your hand gestures. In my mind you had a drink in one hand. And we were at Bier Markt.

slcup said...

Holy hell. This is my favorite post of the week, nay the month. This thing looks cree-pee.

KP said...

I think the blog title is the best part about it. You really drew in your readers. Well done. :)

Sgt said...

I got a bit frightened by the "separate and extend". Sounds painful and more like something you'd read about in the news performed by a scorned woman.

I'll just stick to my old fashion, all natural, no illusion, everything where it belongs, the truth is out there, boxer briefs.

danielle said...

i said it before and i'll say it again, mmmmmmmm...boxer-briefs. you had me at boxer-briefs, sgt. you had me at boxer-briefs.

item 2 would definitely be a problem at work. i can just picture all the IT guys roaming around with extension. oh man. that's gross.

Johnny Virgil said...

Yeah, there is no good to be had here, but I will definitely try it out it it you buy it for me. Of course, the finer details of your explanation to my wife as to why you're picking out my underwear now are completely up to you.

Johnny Virgil said...

whoa. My its went nuts.

Carly said...

JV's so excited about trying this out, he's stuttering? wow, you may be on to something Sarah

Nessa Mulheren said...

I'm just glad that I wasn't the only one stunned into near speechlessness by this fantastic new article of manfashion.

Note however that my immediate response was to think about all the guys I used to work with that absolutely had to receive this as a gag gift for Christmas.

And by gag gift I mean obviously they totally need one.

I, too, fixated on the word "indifferent." It made me laugh my ass off. I had a boyfriend whose package was indifferent. Lemme tell you, we could have used some lifting and separating there.

AG said...

I like that you have compassion for sluts and allowed Slut 2 to express some existential fears about dying alone.

Sgt said...

@Nessa: Remember, an indifferent gift wrapped inside a large box is still an indifferent gift. Once unwrapped, the ruse is up.

Also, please do not send JV the underwear. We all know he will put them on and photo himself for his blog. I don't need that image burned into my retinas for 2007.

Johnny Virgil said...

Sgt. - think "before and after" shots.

Sgt said...

Oh come on JV, I just finished therapy for the Hasselhoff Recursion.

Matthew said...

I for one would love to try some lifting, separating, and extension. I also dont think they meant actual extension of said twig...perhaps an extension of the whole package away from the body? This would acheive the false results implied by the comparison to the wonderbra.
Quite frankly, I'm just curious to see if these are actually comfortable. It seems like they are doing a lot of work on a lot of different axes. I dont know if my boys can handle all that.