Tuesday, December 05, 2006

On the eve of my 30th birthday

Please forgive me as I clumsily try to describe what I'm feeling and why. It's moments like these that I wish I was an actual writer with actual talent so I could find the right words to eloquently lay out the thoughts going through my brain. Unfortunately I'm not so much a "writer" as I am a "girl who has the same vocabulary as a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle".

Tomorrow I'll wake up and be 30 years old. There's no way to stop it. No way to slow down the Earth's rotation so that I can squeeze in a couple extra moments of being in my twenties. No way to go back and change anything-at least not without a time machine made out of a DeLorean. I mean it's here. It is upon me. In a couple weeks, I know it won't matter to me nearly as much as it does right now. But right now, it really matters.

In addition to feeling like I no longer have an excuse to be immature or irresponsible-both things that play heavily into the definition of me as a person-there's a social stigma associated with a single woman turning 30. We all know that. As much as I hate to say it, I have bought into it. When you're younger, you set goals for yourself. By the time I'm 22, I'll have a job at a successful company. Check. By the time I'm 28, I'll have a house. Check. By the time I'm 30, I'll be married with two kids. Um...not so much. I know it's insane to think that you can really have that much control over your future. You can't, and it's too much pressure to be putting on yourself to think that you can. I also know that what I DO have is an incredibly full and rewarding and AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL life. I'm not complaining because I can't. Nobody as lucky as me has the right to complain.

But every once in a while I start to wonder. There are things I want. Things I thought I would have by now. And even though I know that I am independent and intelligent and can take care of myself (i.e. order take out) and don't need anyone else, well, every once in a while...I really need someone else. And I start to wonder. Is it headed that direction? Is it in my future? Maybe that's why turning 30 is so hard for me. In my twenties, I was certain it was. Now, who knows.

Now that my sister is weeping and my parents are wondering if I need to be on antidepressants, I want to say that I AM HAPPY. I really am. I love my life. How could I not? It's full of love and amazing people and more material things than should be allowed by law. And it's effing fun as hell. I think all this sad talk is really just the rambling of a girl who is panicking about getting older way faster than she wants to. Also, I finished up all of the pumpkin bread my mom gave me after Thanksgiving and have none left, and I am really very sad about that.

You guys are going to write really nice things to me even though it's completely not necessary so I want to say thank you in advance. And I'm certain everyone is going to be really nice to me tomorrow, and I'm going to have an awesome birthday so this will all fade away. Also I'm aware that 30 is not even old and not a big deal at all. I know that logically. But right now I am all emotion. And not enough pumpkin bread.

Oh but you know what? My neighbor totally thinks I am an attractive young girl. Forget it-I'm good.


*See above reference to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Aaaand.....full circle.


John said...

First bitches. Yessss!!! I am awake at 2 AM so I can be the first commenter on Sarah's birthday. Eff you guys. Happy Birtday Sarah. Let's go out for a nice dinner of S&V Pringles and string cheese.

Anonymous said...

man, I wanted to be first!

Happy Birthday! your 30's will only make you better than you already are.

Have a great day!

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday Sarah! At least you aren't as old as me! And just think, even the White House is celebrating your birthday tonight on HGTV, how awesome is that!

Aunt N

Hugh Janus said...

Darn, I thought I'd be first to say Happy b-day and I didn't even know when it was, very seldomly look at anyone's blog, and then only post once in a blue moon.

But Seriously, your turning thirty got me to thinking about our age(ing). When we were kids (not you and me like we hung out, but all of us as kids, in general), think about how slow time seemed to go. Days took forever. It took an entire lifetime for us just to turn 8. (oh, that was a good line, I need to jot that down) Our pre-college school years took a long time, possibly because school was mind-numbing, at least for me. And then...out into the 'real' world after high school and 5 minutes later you're 30. I can only imagine that from here on out, time will continue to accelerate and, in what seems like 15 minutes, we'll be reading your blog, or whatever technology will have evolved by then, as you turn 60. ...Maybe some sort of life-like holo-blog that appears right in our own room as if you are there. I'm gonna do stuff that to that holo-blog. Wait. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, oldness.

Just remember, no matter what your age, you'll always be less old than Shop Dungarees and I...and probably hundreds of other people, so you'll always be young to us.

Happy 30th.

Melanie was here said...

Happy birthday, Sarah! I too dreaded turning 30. So much so that I got wasted and danced on the bar in the bowling alley....in front of my Mom. Not one of my finest moments, but I felt like such shit the next day that I forgot I was 30.

Anywhooo, happy birthday!

matt said...

Happy birthday.

Hope you have a great day, and try not to do any work...its your birthday, you're not supposed to!

If you miss that pumpkin bread you can always try to fill the void with a Santa('s) Pole!

CruiserMel said...

Hey, you never know. I dreaded turning 30, too. But it was such a great year, I've been turning 30 all over again each year. :)

Hope it's a great birthday.

StrangerDanger said...

Happy birthday!

And you're not that old, bone-wise (as a famous man once told me).

slcup said...

Happy 30th, OKS Sarah! I feel the same way you do, with the little questioning voice at the back of my brain slowly becoming louder and more persistent. We'll both find men that deserve us and we, in turn, deserve. They won't be liars, losers or creepy old men. Congratulations on making it this far (given your affinity for vodka). I'll have a vodka cran in your honor tonight.

Michelle said...

If I was suppose to grow up and act differently when I hit 30, some one forgot to tell me.
Age is just a number, you are only as old as you feel. Although the way you guys party, I am guessing some mornings that is pretty old.
Be who you are, not who you think you should be.

Happy Birthday!!!

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday, Sarah! I turned 30 this past April and I had the same exact thoughts as you. Also just like you, I have wonderful friends and family who helped ease the pain. Anyways, since you give me a present pretty much every day when you write in your blog (you're so effin' funny!!!) then I just wanted to tell you that I hope you have a fantastic and seriously trippendicular birthday!!!

Anonymous said...

I blew past 30, no wife, no kids, no house... but I'm happy. That's what counts. :)

The rest will come along eventually. Besides, judging from your blog, you have too much personality to not find someone. Keep that chin up! ;)

Anonymous said...

oh hor. you're a hor. i know i'm not 30... yet, but there are a few things i'd like to do before november and i'm starting to think it will be okay if i accomplish them in 2 or 3 years instead.

it really is just a number. you want what you want, and you'll get it. in the meantime, we'll drink vodka crans and lunch with chop.

Anonymous said...

Happy 30th Birthday Sarah. Although this was one of your more serious posts, I just wanted to say that everyone has felt the way you are feeling and even more of us that are currently feeling it. I guess this is what men feel like when they start hitting 40. That's why they go out and buy the shiny red Corvette, gold chains and start looking at hair plugs. I think we got the better deal. :-)

Can't wait to hear how your actual birthday goes! I love reading your blog. You write like I think, you just write it all down a hell of a lot better. :-)

russ said...

Since John totally horked the First Post, I thought I'd try to be the last to wish you a happy birthday.

I hope your hangover has faded. Enough for you to tipple a bit this eve.

So, here's to meaningless landmarks! Many others have chimed in with sagacity about agacity, so I'll throw in my dos centavos -- to whit: "ehn".

It doesn't hurt to use these markers as a time to evaluate your life -- we have so many fewer landmarks than when we were younger and especially in school. So take a look at your life, how you spend your time. You may have a list of accomplishments to check off, but if you can just think about the ways you are spending your time and if any of it makes you particularly happy or unhappy, you'll be well on your way.

Don't let too many "shoulds" creep in, just take a second, alone, without the Tv or satellite radio on to think about these things... what life is and what makes you happy. If any of it depends on other people, you need to understand you can't force it to happen. But as we all know if you get yourself in a good place things sort themselves out.

I'm gonna turn 34 in a month -- I think I'm going to follow my own advice...

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

I hate it when you predict what we're going to comment. You're too good.

Happy birthday and remember that rainbows and unicorns live forever.

AG said...

Dude, I'm so old that when I had my turning 30 angst I had to write about it in my paper and pen journal because there was no such thing as blogs back in the day. :)

I'm turning 39 and still don't own a house, nor have I completed writing a novel. I do however have boxes checked that I didn't even know to consider when I started out, like owning my own little biz that I love.

midwestgrrl said...

Be immature as long as you want, it's good for you. How do I know? I got carded at the grocery store today. FOR SMOKES.

I'm 33.

Pretty much that's my Christmas.

Fuck numbers, you're as old as you feel.