This is very long. You guys are fine.

On Friday a few of us went to Diane and Drew's house where ALoyd taught us and Paul's 8 year old son how to play craps. Yes I know it's bad we let an 8 year old play with us, but he was having so much fun being the "stick guy" and getting to roll the dice. I don't think he really even knew what we were doing. I admit I felt a little guilty until a) it was his turn to roll the dice and he made me a buttload of fake money and b) he later started doing better than me. Also he was wearing a shirt that said "Irish Ladies Love Me" on it.

At one point he started laughing, and we weren't sure why until he pointed out that one of ALoyd's chips was covering up the "P" in "Pass Line". All of us tried unsuccessfully to keep from laughing so as not to encourage him. Well all of us except for Paul who was, shall we say, not too happy.

By the way craps is freaking awesome. My boobs are really good at craps. 'Why do you know such a weird and disturbing fact, Sarah?', you ask. Well, I'll tell you. Because when it was my turn to roll the dice, I rubbed them on my boobs and rolled 7 after 7 after 7-about 5 or 6 in a row, and I made everyone a ton of fake money. It's like I always suspected: the ladies are magical. Oh and since you're wondering yes the kid was there when I was rubbing the dice on the ladies. However, I swear I was very discreet about it-as discreet as one can possibly be while rubbing dice on their chest. Who says I'm not ready to be a parent?

I woke up Saturday and while getting ready to go out I decided that early in the afternoon, I was going to play the 30 year old card and leave earlier than everyone. 'I'm too old to be out drinking all day,' I thought. 'I'm tired, and I like my couch. I just turned 30-I'm using it.' Thirteen hours later I would return home to my bed with 17 lbs of beads around my neck, a sticker on my face, 4 fake tattoos and a same day hangover.

We started off the day a little later than usual at 10am and went to Meg's house for Kegs 'n' Eggs at Meg's-almost as good a name for a party as Cinco de Mego. A couple hours later and a bottle of champagne (okay and two wine coolers) in, we were heading to an Irish bar. Things there are a blur, but I know I had fun. Except for when Ohio State almost effed up my brackets (holy crap I would've had to write a poem about them). A few specific moments stand out in my mind:

- My friend FNG is juggling like 4 different women right now, and I'm almost 100% positive I asked him to put me on the list.
- I lost Steph on the way to the bathroom and started screaming "Steph! Steph! Everyone watch out for my friend Steph! She's really little!"
- Meg spilled a drink all over everyone.
- Tami did something obscene with a St. Patrick's Day hat.
- Tim called my cranberry vodka Kool-aid.
- Drew gave me money to buy him a beer, and I used it to buy myself a jello shot.
- I promised 4 different people I would go to dinner with them later on that day-at 4 different restaurants.

As far as my tattoos, I had one on each wrist-a skull and an anchor-and one by each thumb-a shamrock and a martini glass. They were glow in the dark and were generously provided by the lovely Lori and Tiffany, out-of-towners who I feel should really be moving up here to permanently hang out with us (me) and also to provide us (me) with fake glow in the dark tattoos.

At the second bar we went to some guy pushed me really hard, and I yelled, "Easy, buddy! I will fight you right here! I have a skull!!!" and I flashed him the skull tattoo. Bob spit out his drink. He acted like it was the funniest thing he's ever seen, but really I think he was just scared. I am extremely tough. Especially while holding an amaretto sour and wearing a glove (indoors) on the hand that has to hold the drink because it's too cold.

After being at the third bar for a while it became apparent that if we didn't get Meg some food and water fast, she was going to collapse and die in front of us. Wereally didn't want that to happen-mostly because we love her and would hate living life without her. But also because she was wearing a giant fuzzy green hat, and I just couldn't let one of my friends go out that way. So we went to get dinner at this great restaurant. And at the risk of embarrassing Meg (by the way-there's no risk. It's a certainty.), here are only some of the things that transpired while we were there:

- She tried to fight the hostess after we were told it would be a 45 minute wait. "I have something to SAY to her!!"
- She called ALoyd a slut about 80 times.
- She said she was a piranha and bit ALoyd's nipple
- She tried to eat Matt's meal instead of her own
- And perhaps the greatest moment of all time, she pulled out her phone to make a call, and...well to be honest, I can't even do justice to what actually happened, but let me turn to my astounding skills as an artist to best explain what we witnessed:














If it's not clear from that masterpiece basically what happened is she had her phone up to her ear facing the wrong way. ALoyd was in tears within seconds. We all followed suit shortly after. When we tried to tell her she was holding it wrong she yelled, "This is how my phone works!"


Meg, I know you probably don't remember any of this, but I just want to tell you thanks for making my day so goddamn entertaining. You had me almost peeing my pants no less than 12 times. It was glorious.

I hope all of you had great St. Patrick's Days and oh my God I hope you got to witness one of your friends acting like a piranha in a restaurant.