Some quotes for you

"I have a secret to tell you: I'm going to down this." - Renee, 5 hours in to her bachelorette party Saturday night, right before chugging a Grey Goose martini. 45 minutes later we would begin Phase 1 of her announced plan. Phase 1 = go home. Phase 2 = puke.

"Thanks for cumming! Hope these aren't the only things you'll blow tonight." - Message on the little packs of favors innocent Shannon made for the bachelorette party-goers. Included in the favors: 3 penis cookies in small, medium and large (the large one was chocolate-obviously) and a Blo-Pop. Shannon! Are you going to kiss your baby with that mouth??

"Oh-I got rid of that meanie." - My great uncle Fred referring to one of his ex-wives after I had relayed a memory I had of them coming to our house in an RV 20 years ago.

"Now all we need to do is get you married. We should try to do that before I kick the bucket." - My grandpa to yours truly at his and my grandma's 65th anniversary party*. Grandpa, you're a sicko, but thanks for the added pressure.

*Yes-65 years. Holy crap. Grandma and Grandpa, I should only be so lucky. You two are amazing. I love you! Love, Corky.

Haps on the craps

Hey, does anyone know what's going on with Lindsay Lohan? I haven't heard much about her lately.

Some things are happening in the blog world of which I must inform you*.

1. They now block Blogger at my work. W. T. F. This has really put a cramp in my slacking routine. Not to mention I won't be able to get to everyone's sites and click refresh over and over until you guys post stuff seriously why does it take you so long to post stuff I am dying here?!?! Whoa-what just happened. I think I blacked out. Anywho, if you see me a little less frequently on your blogs it's not because I moved back to Baltimore (what's up, 3 year old joke)-it's just because my company hates me. I still love you. By the way those of you who joined my blog late and haven't gone back to the beginning to read every word that pours out of me (why haven' t you?) probably won't get the Baltimore joke. Just go read my first post ever, and it will make sense. Also you'll realize it's not a funny joke. It's just sad because it's 3 years later, and I'm still making jokes about it to cover up the pain**.

2. Steph, my muse, has started a blog. This totally counteracts the suckiness listed in number 1 above. 'But Sarah', I'm pretending that you're saying, 'what does this mean for your blog since the majority of your material comes from her shenanigans?' Not to worry, my Internet friends. First of all, I can pretty much guarantee this blog of hers will be short-lived. Steph tends to get bored easily and will most likely move on to another project. Now that I said that, though, maybe she won't-a la the vegetarian scandal. Maybe now that I've called her out she will want to prove me wrong. And that is fine by me because it means more Steph on the web. Secondly, there is no way Steph's going to tell you the drunk stories so you will still have to come here to get the good stuff. Also you can only find pictures of my new haircut here***:


















Some more things:

Lindyhor, to answer your question about John, as Russ said, he is both sweet and creepy. Right after he brought me the water, he asked how I was doing, and I said that I was okay and that the air mattress was comfortable. Then he was like, "Why don't I try that out?" and attempted to get into bed next to me.

Please read Hot Vendor Guy's take on his time spent in Cleveland.

Best line ever on "Best Week Ever" re: Harry Potter spoilers on the Internet: "I don't want to spoil anyone's fun, but if finding out the ending to a Harry Potter novel is going to radically change your life, maybe that's a change worth making." - Christian Finnegan (my new boyfriend).


*Is this correct grammar? It sounds like I'm British.
**Family and friends, this really was a joke. There is no pain. I am okay. Where's the vodka.
***You can also find this picture at the site I stole it from.

Bondfire

Hey, motherbitches! I'm back after taking a few days off of work, blogging, bathing, paying for things and washing my hands after I pee.

Very quickly, let me address something Dina asked me which is "Am I going to recap HBO's "Flight of the Conchords"?" The short answer is no and here is the only reason why: I don't have HBO. However, my friend Erik has sent me numerous clips to this show, and let me just tell you that if I had kids, I would seriously consider selling one in order to afford HBO just for this show. You guys, this show is so effing funny that if you have HBO and you are not watching it, I am currently judging you while simultaneously damning you. Just watching clips of the songs causes me to pull muscles I never knew I had.* Excellent question, Dina, and excellent taste in television. It's possible I will someday use you for your HBO.

Here is the invitation John sent out for the bonfire, or as he calls it the "bondfire", he and his wife had at his house on Friday:

"You are all cordially invited to come and enjoy a nice fire and various snacks and beverages. We will have various alcoholic beverages however if you'd like something rare or exotic, feel free to bring it. Feel free to bring the friend you'd rather be spending time with so that when our party blows at least you have somebody you like to share it with.

Mission: To leverage the diverse cultural backgrounds and upbringing that have resulted in our individual partying strengths as friends to create a synergistic energy that results in a fundamental change in the way friends like us have partied and made bonfires in the past. Subsequently we will collect analytics and discuss the data result set of this party methodology such that it will allow us to simulate different outcomes based on our continuous partying methodology improvements creating a cycle of test driven development which results in a set of best practices for bondfires in the future.

Deliverables: In 3 sprints
Sprint 1 - Pee
Sprint 2 - Drunk hors
Sprint 3 - Empty coolers, sweet karaoke, and Danielle's butt on Hot Vendor Guy."

I would say we accomplished our mission and more, including:
- Multiple peoples' butts on Hot Vendor Guy and his wife
- Watching a 9 year old do the worm...at my request obviously
- Having that same 9 year old yell at John for dirty dancing with girls because he's married
- Smoking homemade menthol cigarettes (right now my mother is weeping)
- Keith and John making up a song on the spot about Hot Vendor Guy being gay-in front of his wife
- Exploring some ruins and a creepy lagoon near John's house that we saw on MSN Live Maps satellite pictures the day before

I didn't go to bed until 4am and that was in John's basement on an air mattress his wife had set up for me. John came down in the morning a little early and made me drink water. Then he let me sleep more, and when I got up he made me french toast and his kids made me laugh so hard I almost peed. I'm just saying I think it's high time I get in on John and Leah's marriage. They take care of you and give you food. Count me in.

*Obviously this is an exaggeration used for effect as I don't have any stomach muscles.

Some things

1. I just heard a shitty, slow, chick remake of New Order's "Bizarre Love Triangle", and I wanted to kill someone. I think I inadvertently gave the cashier girl a dirty look because in a way I blame her for listening a to radio station that would play such blasphemy.

2. I just noticed that the blouse I'm wearing does not match my pants at all. It has brown stripes. My pants are black. Horrible.

3. My dad is volunteering to assist in running a booth at our town's Home Days carnival so we are helping him when we can. We went last night, and basically all we do is take money and throw darts at little kids. Wait I mean we collect the money and then the little kids throw darts at balloons on the wall to win a shitty little prize. People who play fair games are dumb. Seriously fair games couldn't be a bigger scam. I'm sure that's not news to anyone, but holy crap now that I've witnessed it firsthand, I can't believe just how scamalicious they are. Our carnie who was running the game told us that the important thing is to not feel bad for the people playing the game. Oh okay, carnie. You're right-eff that ridiculously cute 3 year old with the giant glasses and eyes who just wants a little stuffed Spiderman. I almost wanted to go home and take a shower to wash the ick off of me, but the money is going to a good cause so I didn't. My 73 day streak of not showering remains intact.

This thing tried to kill me at the carnival:















I love you, Chik-fil-A, but get your creepy cow out of my face.

True story that John and I will put in our movie

Scene: Downtown Cleveland McDonald's, lunchtime
Characters: Cashier Girl, Manager Lady, Okay Seriously

Okay Seriously walks up to the cash register and places her order. Cashier Girl runs into an issue and Manager Lady comes over to help. Cashier Girl and Manager Lady begin arguing. Okay Seriously grows visibly uncomfortable as arguing exceeds 3-4 minutes in length. Manager Lady, tired of Cashier Girl's insolence, sends her away. Cashier Girl makes a snide remark then turns and storms off.

Manager Lady: "Shit. She don't even wash down there."

Aaaand scene.

Damn you, Target, you evil temptress

Things I bought at Target after drinking (or The reason I have no money):
- Earrings
- Red purse
- 100 calorie packs of Cool Ranch Doritos
- 100 calorie packs of Pepperidge Farm Chocolate Chunk cookies
- Welch's fruit snacks
- Hope Floats DVD
- Hoosiers DVD
- Uncle Buck DVD
- Muppets From Space DVD
- Diet Coke
- 2 wine cubes
- ShopSmart magazine
- Brita water filtration system
- 9 volt batteries

Things I went to Target for (which I didn't remember until I got home):
- Sprinkler

Why people come to me for advice (and why my friend Erik is awesome)

Erik: i have an etiquette question for this weekend - if you're going to a wedding and don't know the bride at all, the groom barely, and you're not related in any way, how drunk are you allowed to get? Frank Sinatra drunk, David Hasselhoff drunk, or Lindsay Lohan drunk?

OKS: hmm...i'd go Hasselhoff drunk. you're still totally hammered and having a great time but you're not in the bathroom doing lines off of a woman who could potentially be the grandma or something

Erik: that's probably a good call, i'd forgotten about the nudity and drug use required of the LLD...

OKS: right
OKS: whereas with the DHD you can eat wendy's

Erik: not that i'm opposed to flashing some blue hairs

On the good ship lollyvodkacran

On Saturday we did something very different. We went on a Goodtime III cruise. The Goodtime III is "Cleveland's largest excursion ship" which basically takes you down through the Flats on the Cuyahoga River and then out on the lake. We first came up with the idea at the wine festival last week when we were wasted and saw a boat full of people cruise by, and we all screamed, "Let's go on the boat!" When we sobered up, Steph told us that she had been on it, and it was a total blast full of young people all getting drunk and dancing. Obviously we were in.

The closer it got to Saturday night, the more Diane and I started worrying about the crowd we would encounter. There's no way tons of young people are on a dance cruise on a Saturday night, right? Drew said, "It'll probably be a lot of older women like 30 and up." Um...WTF, Drew?!? He quickly corrected himself. "I mean 40 and up," he said. Whatever. So we got down there to buy our tickets before the cruise, and we voiced our concerns to Steph who said, "No I've been on this. There were a lot of college kids and stuff." Hey-I will totally make out with a college kid so that's fine.

We walked up to the ticket window and saw the sign for the tour. It said, "Romantic Dance Cruise". Um...I'm sorry Romantic Who-y What-y? We all looked at Steph who looked confused. We started reading the other signs. There are several different kinds of public cruises you can go on. As Steph was reading the sign, a look came over her face. "Oooooh-you know what? I'm pretty sure the one I went on was the Happy Hour Cruise." The Happy Hour cruise. That goes out at 6pm. On Fridays. We were all like, "Oh okay so the one we missed because it's now Saturday? Great."

We continued staring at the signs, and the ticket lady started kind of giving us the look like 'are you going to buy tickets or what?'. So Steph went up to the window and said, "So...the romantic dance cruise. Exactly how romantic is the romantic dance cruise?" The ticket lady waved her hand dismissively and said, "Oh no no no-it's not like that at all. It's a lot of fun, and lots of groups of girls do this all the time." Yeah I'm sure groups of girls do it, lady. But I'm thinking the chances of groups of guys deciding to go on a romantic dance cruise on a Saturday night is slim to nil.

We remained unconvinced and looked around at each other completely unsure how to proceed when Steph goes, "Is there a bar?" Ticket lady goes, "Yes there is." That's pretty much all we needed so we decided to go. As we were walking over to wait by the dock Steph goes, "Yeah I'm 100% sure I went on the Happy Hour cruise." It was hard to be mad, though, because she was laughing so hard that she wasn't making any noise. It was awesome.

Waiting for the boat gave us a better look at who we would be traveling with for the next two hours. There were a lot of young people. And by a lot I mean the 7 of us girls. Ticket lady proved a little untrustworthy as pretty much everyone was part of a couple. Also remember my guardian pimp angel? I'm pretty sure he was there and wearing the same outfit as before.

As we boarded the boat, we got a good look at the "band". It was two old guys-one playing drums and one playing keyboard. They had to be in their 70's at least. We walked on the boat, and they turned at look at us, and in the best, friendliest old man voice the keyboardist said, "Hi girls!" And Steph was like, "Look the band likes us!" And I was like, "Yeah that's because we remind them of their grandchildren."

We went up to the second level, went immediately to the bar and found a great table on the front of the boat in the open air. After having two drinks before we even left the dock, we decided it was going to be an awesome cruise no matter what. On our level of the boat they played some pretty sweet Teddy Pendergrass/soul-type stuff, and I didn't know any of it. But it was fine because at one point they played The Atomic Dog, and I tried to get Steph to get on all fours so I could pretend I was walking her with a leash.

It was also around this time that I met my boyfriend who was the cop on board the boat. He and his buddy work that cruise every Saturday. He has a mustache. He asked me if I was going to come out and dance later. We were on the path to true love until Steph came up and stole him with all her 'oh I'm a laywer let's talk about criminal law' bullcrap. Whatever, Steph! He wanted to see me dance!

The drinks were incredibly strong, the weather was perfect and the crowd ended up being totally hilarious. We had an absolute blast. I'm so glad we went. After that we went downtown to the year 2000. Oh I mean the rooftop of the Velvet Dog. Even though I had a freaking great time, I'm too old for that place as evidenced by the fact that we made friends with a girl, and she asked me where I lived, and I said, "Oh I'm boring-I live in the suburbs." And she said, "No that is awesome! I'm, like, totally impressed when I hear someone lives in the suburbs." That kind of gave it away that she might be a little young. Who is impressed by people living in the suburbs except those who picture it as a place far off in their future-a place that is like "the end game" and means you are settling down?

Shortly after that she told us she's still in college. So we threw her off the roof.

Editorial on world events

Honestly, ladies. You are embarassing me.

My last weekend update just in time for this weekend

Hey you know who's good at keeping up her blog? Me. Sorry, gang. I've been hella busy. Mostly thinking about how people can have sex on a Tempur-pedic mattress. Seriously, you guys. This thought nags at me everytime I see the damn commercial. Sure it looks comfy to sleep on, but it doesn't look conducive to other bedroom happenings. Someone check this out, and let me know.

Last Friday we continued our celebration of Steph's last day at her old job. Oh did I tell you we celebrated last Thursday? Well we did. And it was awesome except for when I had to clean up the puke of a girl my sister works with. It's okay, though-we've all been there. Some as recently as December. And by some I mean me. So on Friday we went to happy hour at a place that has half priced martinis, and the only thing I like better than a full priced martini is a half priced one.

Steph had a week off of work and is panicking about turning 30 in October. I mean most women panic and create a list of things they must do before 30 takes over and their eggs start dying*. But only Steph actually does them-especially when she has the free time. All that adds up to awesome.

Exhibit A:















She dyed her hair blue, you guys. Seriously. It wasn't her entire head, and it wasn't permanent, but still. She dyed her hair blue. What you can't really see in this picture are her fake eyelashes that she went to MAC and bought and had professionally applied along with the rest of her eye makeup.

Exhibit B:













She made us all recipe boxes. I am not kidding. She hand painted and decorated all of them differently. We had to send her 3-4 recipes. Then she made us each our own personal recipe card with our name and an avatar/picture thingie designed to look like us, wrote down all the recipes based on who submitted them, divided them all up into courses and called it like Party in a Box or something. She named all the courses and wrote little comments underneath. The comments are in green:

Let's Get This Party Started
appi-teasers

Drinkie-poos
Happy hour begins at noon

Main Event
Because the way to a man's heart is...

Happy Endings
Options for the second best way to end a night

The Morning After
Recipes for when the party is over

She even has a "morning after" course! Man are we sluts or what?

Here is what Steph made my little avatar person look like. It's a little blurry, but you get the idea:



















It says "Sarah Sizzles". I was like-hey thanks for making me look like a total effing nerd-o with the laptop. Like I carry a laptop with me everywhere I go. But she said it was because of the blog so I decided that was acceptable. Incidentally this avatar is about a hundred times cuter than I actually am. (Is avatar the right word? I hear that word being thrown around, but I'll be honest, I don't really know what it means.)

Also you should know that on Friday I tried my first Grey Goose martini-extra dirty-courtesy of Meg. My reaction: "Um...what wondrousness is this? Why have I never had one of these before?" I am changed. Oh and later on in the night at a different bar Diane got in a fight with the bartender because she refused to make my amaretto sour. She was like, "That's a college drink." and then pretended they were out of amaretto. It was funny at first, but not after like 5-10 minutes of it. Obviously an amaretto sour is a college drink, but I am old dammit and I drank 2 martinis already, and I want a goddamn amaretto sour! But I didn't say anything, of course. I just hid behind my sister. A warning to people who mess with me: Diane isn't up for your bullshit and she will yell at you and make you feel so bad that you walk out a half hour later with a free shot for her as a peace offering.

On Saturday we went to the Cleveland Wine Festival which is basically where you pay money to taste wine from a bunch of different wineries. They come from all over to appeal to wine connoisseurs and people who enjoy getting wasted on wine (us). It was glorious, you guys. Especially at the end of the night when it was almost closing time so the wineries were just pouring full glasses to get rid of it. Listen-if you are trying to get rid of wine, we are glad to help with that.

While at the winery we made a friend. Her name was Leslie. Somehow we ended up mutually making fun of this one chick who was wearing basically nothing. Leslie was an older lady-probably mid 40s-and totally wasted off her ass. Listening to her make fun of this girl was so hilarious. She even went up to her to ask her if she was a stripper. I almost choked. I know that's mean, but seriously-you should've seen this girl. There was no question she was a stripper. Turns out she was foreign and had no idea what "stripper" meant so no harm done. I wish I could remember more details of our Leslie encounter, but I was three sheets to the wind at this point. Here's what I know: she gave Sharda her number because she wants to meet with us and hold a seminar about how women can become more aggressive in the workplace and also she totally tried to make out with Sharda. I am not even kidding. She did the lean-in and everything. It was amazing. I have dubbed her Lesbilie.

On Sunday we saw "Live Free or Die Hard", and I crapped my pants from the awesomeness. Seriously it is so great. Bruce Willis should always be an action hero. Like at all times. He should never stop kicking ass and taking names.

Oh and in case you're wondering Steph started her new job yesterday, and when I asked her how her day went she said, "Pretty shitty." I asked why and it turns out there was human feces on the floor of her building. HUMAN FECES. As she said, "I always heard corporate America was shitty. I just didn't think that meant literally." Awe-some.

*When I told Johnny Virgil about how I was all depressed because my eggs are dying, he was very sympathetic and sent me a text message later that said "...And somewhere off in the distance, an egg died." I hate him.

Forgive the weak post...so...tired

You guys, I have so much to tell you about this weekend, but I'm beyond exhausted so I'm just going to post something from the Shop Dungarees/Okay Seriously archives. This is a conversation we had via cell phone text messaging on Friday. Something you should know: we are working on a screenplay. When I say "working on" I mean not actively doing anything with it like writing stuff down and whatnot. But when we see or think of something funny, we decide it's going in the movie. There's a pivotal scene that really defines the heart and soul of the movie, and it's when someone slips on poop.

SD: just saw the worst hairy back man crack ever
OKS: awesome. where? hopefully not in the mirror
SD: used xbox game store obviously
OKS: oh so in its natural habitat
SD: in the mirror
OKS: my mirror
SD: over the webcam
OKS: that I installed
SD: at my mom's
OKS: then I slipped in poop
SD: best script ever

This movie is going to be amazing when it gets made. At least I didn't post the conversation I found that ended in me saying "let me grab my knee pads, and I'll come on over."