I think I use the word "random" in every post title

Saturday night we went to see Jim Gaffigan. This is what John wore:
















If it looks like it's falling apart that's because it is. It's an iron-on pattern that he did in like two minutes. This is the greatest t-shirt I have ever seen.

About the show-I don't think I can explain in words how effing hilarious it was. I have never laughed that hard for that long in my life. Within a minute my cheeks hurt, and by the end of the show I felt like I had done a thousand sit-ups. By the way I'm counting that as doing a thousand sit-ups. That man is so unbelievably talented. Do yourself a favor, if you get the chance, GO SEE HIM. John tried to get Gaffigan to come to our pre-party by sending him this. For real. He didn't come. He had another show before ours so I'm sure that's the only reason he didn't show up.

After Gaffigan we went back to Diane and Drew's house, and we played Karaoke Revolution for four hours. Diane was falling asleep by midnight, but did that stop us? No. We kept making her sing. Before Gaffigan John did a rousing rendition of Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You". And after Gaffigan he definitely sang "Don't Know Why" by Norah Jones. And his version of "Take On Me" was amazing. He could barely get the low "take" note, but he sang the high note better than the actual singer of A-Ha. He and I tried singing a couple duets, but he kept singing the girl part. Also his wife has a lower voice than him. Okay I think I'm done emasculating John on the Internet. Well, I mean for today. If Danielle had her choice she would never ever stop singing karaoke. Or sticking her butt in people's faces. And I'm pretty sure Drew actually thinks he is a rock star. He kind of is. Especially when he sings Mr. Mister. You guys seriously should come over and sing karaoke with us. It is awesome.

Sunday I spent the day working on a project for work. Let me tell you something about this project: 1) it sucked ass and 2) it was like a research paper that you would do in college. So I used the same technique I used in college whenever I had to write a research paper and that is to avoid doing it until I absolutely have to-thus the reason I was doing it on a Sunday. It was eerie how similar it was to being in college again. I would work on it for 10 minutes and then say, "Okay I'm just going to watch one show on TV then I'll come back to it." Then I'd work for another 10 minutes and say, "Okay I'm just going to take like a half hour nap and then empty the dishwasher and then work on it again." This went on all day until about 11pm when I realized I hadn't really done anything at all. The only differences between this and college were that I wasn't eating Sour Patch Kids and I wasn't listening to "Every Morning" by Sugar Ray on an endless loop. All I know is if there was ever any doubt in my mind that I made the wrong decision by not going back to grad school, it has now been completely squashed-along with any hope my parents might have had that I would go back. Sorry Mom and Dad, but I learned something Sunday: writing papers makes me want to kill someone. Namely me.

Prescription for an enjoyable drive in to work:

- "Love is on the Way" - Saigon Kick
- "Should've Known Better" - Richard Marx
- "Lesson in Leaving" - Jo Dee Messina
- "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" - Cyndi Lauper
- "Midnight Rider" - Allman Brothers
- "I'm Still Here" - Vertical Horizon
- "Too Little Too Late" - JoJo

For that last one, make sure you sing along and pretend you are her. Trust me-you sound just like her. Also don't stop singing or dancing even when you pull into the parking garage and see people from work that maybe you don't know that well and they give you a look like 'what is wrong with you?'. Don't stop. You are JoJo.

As my mom would say, TGIF

John solves the greeting card dilemma.

You know you are a lazy piece when during a volleyball game you run hard after a ball that's out of bounds to save it and all your friends laugh hysterically and scream incredulously, "Holy crap did Sarah just run?!?" And also when you answer, "Yes she did. And she's tired. Can I sit down?"

So Anna Nicole Smith. I can't say I'm surprised that she is gone. Everything in her life was pretty much leading up to a premature death by a drug overdose. Has there ever been a more pathetic life lived? You kinda just feel bad for her. A troubled woman experiences one tragedy after another-some of them self-inflicted, sure. It's just sad. I'm sad for her poor kids. And I can't decide whether I feel bad for her baby growing up without a mom or hopeful that her baby might end up having a chance at a normal life without her insane-o crazy mom around. Although, they still don't know who her dad is, do they? And both of the possible dads are horrible choices. No forget it-that baby doesn't have a chance. They should do a show like, "My Two Dads", and it will star Dannielynn, and it will be all about how she has two completely effed up dads-one who was crazy enough to date her mom and call her "sweet potato" and another one who is clearly gay and most likely had something to do with her brother's death. And when she needs guidance and wisdom she'll go down to the fountain shop and talk to Dick Butkus.

Television. It's time. Spoilers.

Lost
I am so excited "Lost" is back. I liked Wednesday's episode a lot. We definitely needed to learn more about Juliet, and we really did. I was a tad annoyed, though, because man I hate that lady. She is so weak and bitchy and just so...annoying. If Jack and her get together I am going to be pissed. I might even write a letter. Oh yeah. Jack, Jack, Jack. Man did I miss you. You are so freaking pretty. I just want to kiss you all over your scraggly facial hair. Did you notice how he could only fix Ben when Kate was talking to him? And how emotional she got when she was retelling the story he told her the first day on the island? You guys, I am not giving up on this. Kate and Jack. Forever. I have a question that's kind of bothering me. Can someone tell me how the hell Ben has so much power over all The Others? No one can just leave when they want to? And they're all scared of him. WTF? He's one tiny man who, granted, looks like a crazy serial killer, but still. All one of them has to do is jab a scalpel into his jugular, and we're all good. I don't get it. Maybe it has to do with all the mind control stuff. Speaking of which-um mind control stuff!!! That was insane. The story barely moved forward which I admit is a tad frustrating, but they did hit a guy with a bus, and that was pretty cool. Next week appears to be mostly Desmond, and I just want to say Bring It On. I love me some Desmond.

The Office
Oh holy Jesus. I don't even know where to begin. During the toast I actually hid underneath my blanket. I couldn't watch it. It was so excruciating and so damn funny. First off the Altoid thing was genius. I love Jim so much. And Michael saying that Phyllis's wedding day was a bigger day for him than for her. Employer of the Bride. The Pam and Roy thing was hard to get mad at because Roy was being so sweet. And man that beard...he is a hottie. But poor Jim. Dammit. The day they finally get together is going to be the best day ever. Well not better than the day Jim and I get together, but still pretty damn good.

- Phyllis stealing Pam's wedding. "What does P & R stand for?" "Phyllis and Robert." "Yeah or Pam and Roy."
- "Did you break wind?"
- "There are too many people on Earth. We need a new plague."
- I seriously can't believe there was a flag on the wheelchair.
- Creed putting his name on someone else's present
- Toby yelling "Toby! Yeah!" regarding his hot date
- Michael saying the definition of "wedding" only really saying the definition of "welding"
- Easy Rider
- "Do you Phyllis take Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration to be your lawfully wedded husband."
- "I thought you weren't supposed to wear white to a wedding." "I know. There was an emergency." "I look really good in white." And a tiara apparently. Awesome.
- Jim telling Pam that she looks cute when she dances. If he told me I looked cute doing anything I would faint right on the spot.

Grey's
I loved last night's episode because sometimes this show forgets that it's a medical drama. I thought it was so interesting and intense and oh...my...God how hot is Alex. They just keep making him more amazing and wonderful every episode. He freaking pulled a cement pole off of a lady! When he was talking to the crushed victim (gew), and then he stopped to talk to Addison before he left the room and she leaned back against the door and sighed as soon as he was gone, I was like, "Amen, sister. A-men."

Poor Chief. Just trying to make a fresh start. When Addison was yelling at the three of them in the elevator and called Sloane a man-whore and Meredith a 12 year old, I almost snorted pop out my nose.

The whole Callie being George's boss at work spells trouble, I'm afraid. What's the big deal if he shows a little bit of affection? I didn't think he was being that bad. I think she's just afraid of what other people will say.

Meredith's drowning and the little girl won't effing talk. I know this is mean, but when Meredith fell in the water and the little girl just stood there staring, I was like, "Holy crap little girl you better stop this little mute game of yours and get your ass moving." She's like 6 and has lost her mom and been through horrible trauma and I am yelling at her. I'm a horrible person. Well, we all know they aren't going to kill off Meredith. But it will make for some interesting drama next week. And Patrick Dempsey looking all scared and heroic and way hot. So I am fine with that.

Also Izzie drills holes into a guy's head. Awesome.

Best "Scrubs" moment:
Turk is asking Dr. Kelso to allow him to take part in a surgery on a fetus even though he's not a neo-natal surgeon. Dr. Kelso resists at first because it's against protocol.

Dr. Kelso: "Lucky for you I am a man in need. Enid asked me to get her tickets to see Al Green for her birthday. I forgot. Now it's sold out. Can you call him for me?"

Some things I need to say

To the greeting card industry c/o the humorous card department,
Can you please get your act together and write a card that's actually funny and doesn't make me want to slit my wrists with one of your existing crap cards? If I see another card like this someone's going to get a beatdown:

"Sisters are wonderful people...but enough about me! Happy Valentine's Day!"

Holy crap that card was kind of cute when I bought it the first time 15 years ago. Now it's just annoying. Also I think it might be time to retire this one:

"I wanted to give you money for your birthday...but mall security yanked me out of the fountain before I could get any!"

I got that card for my 12th birthday. TWELFTH! And also I'm not even going to tell you what you can do with the "I hope you like this card...someone farted in the card store so this is the only one I could grab before I had to get out of there!" card. I'll give you a hint: stick it where the sun don't shine (i.e., where one would fart from while in a card store).

Come on, greeting card industry! Let's pull it together!

To Pedigree:
Why are you trying to hurt me with this commercial? This might be the single most heartwrenching commercial I have ever seen, and I am including all Hallmark commercials when I say that. I can't watch it anymore. It sends me into a tailspin of sadness and then I lay awake thinking about all the beautiful dogs who can't find homes, and oh...my...God. I hate you Pedigree!!

Weekend happenings wherein I do not mention that I had to get up at 8:30 on Saturday and work

Friday
We had a party for Drew's birthday. You may remember that 2 years ago at the party for Drew's birthday I got really blasted and drunk blogged. I would just like to say that I have really grown up since then, and this time things were way different: I did not blog at 3am after I got blasted. Instead I participated in a dance party in Diane's living room with Paul, Matt and Drew. I guess Diane participated, too, if you count us poking her and me sitting on her hair while she was passed out on the couch still wearing her coat and scarf. I heard the next morning (from my dad?-someone explain that please) that our dance party may actually have been a dance contest which is not fair because had I known that I would have pulled out my signature dance move, The Fake Run*. It's too bad MattB wasn't around for the dance party because he had the moves-at least from what I remember of him dancing on the coffee table to Drew karaoking Whitesnake. Tawny Kitaen has nothing on you, MattB. Also I'm saving the picture I have to show your son when he's old enough. My favorite conversation of the night:

Danielle, to my Dad: I made out with you at your retirement party.
My Dad, looking scared: Really?
Danielle: Yeah you kissed me on the cheek. Right here. [points to cheek]
Drew's Dad: I don't think you know what making out is.

Saturday
Saturday night we went bowling where Gordo proceeded to kick everyone's ass and correct everyone's math while they were trying to keep score. Oh yeah I did, Gordo. We were in two teams, and I beat everyone on my team both games. That means Woody, Bob and Sharda. Eat it, suckers! I'm just saying it is really sad if you lose to me at bowling because I suck. Not to make you feel bad or anything. Okay no-totally to make you feel bad.

Sunday
Superbowl party at Jen and Paul's. I surprisingly didn't eat much. Also it's surprising that you actually believe me. Hello-it was a Superbowl party. I ate enough for 7 people. The Colts were awesome and won just as they should have. I love you, Peyton Manning! Whenever I think of football, one of the most manly activities one can participate in, I think of Prince. I mean, is there a manlier artist out there? He really looked masculine in his bandana headwrap. And God help me, but how can I resist a man who's makeup doesn't run while in the rain? In all seriousness, I actually thought he did a great job especially considering he sang live. The only thing that would've made it better is if he sang "Little Red Corvette". Or "Raspberry Beret". Or if he was showing just a tad more chest hair. By the way, I'm 100% convinced that by the look of things, Diane and I could've been his dancers. It's like they were up there just making it up as they went along. The commercials were underwhelming this year, but I just have a couple things to say:

1. Beard comb-over.
2. Robert Goulet

*This dance move is exactly as it sounds. Stand in place, fake run. It's most successfully done to Enrique Iglesias' "Escape".

Recaps of shows I pretend are real

The Office
I don't even know if I can recap The Office. I spent the whole time like, "OMG don't forget to write that down." Then I realized I was saying it every 3 seconds, and it's probably some sort of illegal violation if I write it all out word for word. All I know is when Angela said, "We are absolutely not getting a stripper." and Meredith jumped up and screamed at the top of her lungs, "SHUT UP, ANGELA!!" something inside my brain burst. I had to pause it so I could catch my breath.

- "I had an epiphary."
- "I want to tell my future son what the dealio is."
- Dwight wearing a bra and Michael not being able to get it off.
- The guy who played Benjamin Franklin. Holy crap he was funny.
- David Koechner (Todd Packer) is a genius.
- "Who wants some man meat?"
- Jim and Pam! His face when she said she was ready to be set up with one of Ryan's friends was priceless.
- Dwight saying he doesn't believe Jim that the Ben Franklin guy was the real Ben Franklin
- "You know who turned out to be a real creep? Ben Franklin."

I can't go on. I mean I can, but I won't because I won't be able to stop. Please feel free to continue this in the comments.

Grey's Anatomy
I was one for two. Christina said yes at the end of the episode. Yay! How cute were they when she finally said yes? Could I have been any more wrong about Callie and George, though? HOLY CRAP! I did not see that coming. What do you guys think? Think it's going to last? I totally do not. I loved how he finally stuck up for her last night. It's about freaking time, George! Izzie is a such a bitch. Meredith was very nice and supportive, though. Take note all you Meredith-haters. She was the only nice one!

Speaking of Meredith, can all you Meredith-haters please lay off? Look how effed up her life is! She loses her mom to Alzheimer's, and she finally gets one brief window where they can connect and be together and it's meaningful, and her mother is nothing but absolutely awful to her. Just awful. And she works up the nerve to tell her that she is not going to quit on her because she wants another chance for them to be close, but it's too late. Her mom's already gone again. I could barely watch. It was so heartwrenching.

Um...I want Miranda to be my doctor and call me 'sweetie'. I am so in love with her. I am not even kidding. My mom did a great job with the whole birds and bees talk, but in her absence I would've wanted to hear it from Miranda.

Oh, Addison. Addy, Addy, Addy. I am not even going to judge you because everything you do in your personal life is everything I would do in mine if I was surrounded by those men. How can you not look at Alex and see the delicious cartoon turkey (awesome analogy, by the way)? He is so smoking hot. And then since you can't have him you go and do it with Sloane. Yes, Addy. Yes. Nice work. Can you imagine Sloane being your backup? What?? Is it even legal to have someone that hot be your backup and not your primary? P.S. to the writers: more Alex in a tight sleeveless shirt and/or no shirt.

Also toxic blood? Mah? That is horrendous.

Insert clever post title here

This is what you miss when you don't open the Sunday paper for 3 days:
















I went to my neurologist yesterday. No, I don't have mental problems. I mean, okay yeah I do, but I'm not being treated for them. I go there for my migraines. Every time you go for an appointment they take your vitals like they weigh you (such a joy), take your blood pressure, etc. Yesterday I was asked a question that I have never ever been asked at a doctor's office-or anywhere else-before. As I sat down to have my blood pressure taken, the nurse looked at me and said, "Have you had any kind of breast surgeries ever?" I honestly didn't know what to do. I just stared at her thinking, 'There is no way she just asked me that. I must be hearing things.' So I racked my brain trying to think of what she possibly could have said that I misinterpreted to hear "breast surgeries". After about 45 seconds of just staring at her in silence, I realized that I had just spent 45 full seconds staring at her in silence so I just said, "No. No." Then she moved on as if she didn't just ask me if my boobs were fake. I have been to this doctor like 3 other times, and they have NEVER asked me that before. All I know is, I am definitely wearing that bra/shirt combo much more often.

I think my friends and I are at a crossroads. We are getting older and more tired yet we still want to party. This explains why on Saturday we spent 2 and a half hours playing Pictionary then hopped in a cab and went downtown to get shitfaced and watch The Websters perform at a bar. Okay this isn't entirely true-we were actually already shitfaced before we went to the bar.

As we get older, game nights are becoming more and more common in our little group (as are back injuries and 4-door sedan purchases). They are cheap and fun and I can sometimes wear my pajamas. For Christmas Steph asked for Pictionary and a big dry-erase board on an easel. At first I made fun of her. Then I realized it is the greatest thing ever. I nearly pee my pants watching my friends try to draw under pressure. Gordo is some kind of weirdo guessing savant. You draw a straight line, and he's like "Of Mice and Men!" and it's correct. But I suppose he has to be good at the guessing, because his drawings are...ridiculous. Matt corrects everyone's drawings after the timer has gone off, graciously using his skills as an architect to demonstrate how a surfboard or sandcastle really should be drawn. My sister has, at least twice, drawn a penis and on Saturday she drew two people having sex as a hint for the word "pretzel". Clearly she is a deviant of some sort, and I should probably get her in to see a therapist.

After Pictionary, we went to see our favorite cover band, The Websters. Here's what I remember:
- A lot of wine and cranberry and vodka made its way into my system that night.
- When we got there, everyone in the audience was at least 15-20 feet away from the stage so Steph and I ran right up to the front and went crazy. As predicted, everyone soon followed suit.
- I think Steph tried to make out with the lead singer.
- For 3 hours I used all my willpower to not reach out and strum the bass player's guitar.
- Matt kept screaming that he was way past drunk and had moved into the "fucking drunk" stage. Also he had a picture of his new car in his wallet and was showing it around.
- The over/under for the number of girls Gordo would hit on was 3. He said he wouldn't hit on any. I counted at least 2. Anyone else see any more?
- Sharda's cousin, who doesn't know me at all, was there and I got about an inch from his face, pointed directly at him and screamed, "Sharda, there's your cousin!!!"
- I kept thinking I'd end up leaving a little early to get some sleep then suddenly the bouncer literally had to ask us to leave because it was 2:30 and we were still sitting at the bar trying to order drinks.
- Somehow we found a cab and tried to get in, but as soon as 4 of us were in it, the driver took off. The door was still open. Diane immediately starting yelling at the cabbie for being a jerk, and he tried to kick them out of his cab, but Diane said, "No we are not leaving. Now take us home, and you better take us DIRECTLY home-none of that side street crap. By the way there goes your tip." Let's just say Diane is not good at creating a friendly rapport with cabbies after she's been drinking. After tipping the cabbie $1, they asked him to come back and get us (the ones who were left behind). He said okay and took off. Shockingly, he did not come back for us.
- Gordo, Kevin, Kim and I waited outside in 11 degree weather for a cab for 30 minutes.
- When a cab finally came I was so happy I seriously considered dropping my pants for him.
- When we got back to Steph's place she came down to let us in and also to let her dog out and she was wearing a tank top. 11 degrees.
- Later Steph thought she was ordering an hour long epside of "The Hills" on pay-per-view, but it turns out she was actually ordering black porn. That is a special kind of drunk, you guys.

Letters for January 30th

Dear rear driver's side tire,
Remember when I pulled into the garage and heard a weird sound so I looked all over the place for a leak and then I realized it was coming from you and then I sat there and watched you deflate in front of my eyes so my dad had to come over and help me change you? I do. Because it was last night. At midnight. I cannot tell you how awesome it was to be out in 15 degree weather changing a tire until 1am. I think my dad really appreciated being woken up to come over and do manual labor. I don't think he has ever wanted me to have a boyfriend more in his entire life. I think my favorite part, though, was having to get the spare tire out because whoever designed how it's stored on the car clearly hates me and my dad and will be receiving threatening hatemail in 2-4 days depending on how fast the US Postal Service can deliver it.

Dear Dad,
Thanks for coming to my rescue again. I promise I will find a boyfriend soon. Or maybe I could hire a guy to just do the "handyman" stuff around the house. Any takers? In exchange for your help I will let you live with me and then marry me and have kids with me. I can't believe no one wants this job.

Dear house and car and other things I own that have a lot of things that could possibly break on or in them,
The furnace broke on me Sunday night. Then the tire last night. If you are thinking about breaking anytime soon, just...you know...just don't. I can't take it anymore.

Dear adulthood,
You suck.

Dear ladies of Cleveland and neighboring towns...and states,
I need to warn you that my friend Matt is on the prowl. Yesterday he bought an Audi TT which basically looks like this. Also we watched "How I Met Your Mother" last night, and it was the episode about how girls think architects are hot. Matt, being an architect, began practicing his opening line, "Matt LastName, Architect". It's smooth but kind of creepy. Also he has taken to describing himself has someone with "the soul of an artist and the hands of a master craftsman". Be on the lookout. If you are interested, though, let me know. I'll totally hook you up. Whoa did I just pimp you out on the Internet, Matty? Awesome.

This is what you miss when you don't watch the news

I just saw a preview of a news story that will be seen on the local news tonight. It's about a retirement community where apparently all the people do is date each other and have "relations". The name of the news report? "The Town Viagra Built". This is disturbing on several levels:

1. Old people having sex

2. My grandparents live in retirement communities

3. Someone somewhere sat in a conference room and while reading about this story came up with the name "The Town Viagra Built". I can't decide if I love or hate this person, but one thing's for sure: I need to find a job where I get paid to come up with titles for things that include the word "Viagra".

Post-Grey's report (spoilers)

Sorry for the delayed Grey's posting. Here is the most concise way I can describe my reaction to the ending of the episode: I shat my pants.

Holy cripes, people. This show owns me. First of all, the race for the chief position is fantasmic. I am loving that all these people are fighting for it, and that Richard's all like, "You guys all kind of suck." I completely panicked when McSteamy said he was leaving. I mean like PANICKED. Then, thankfully, he changed his mind. What is it about that man, you guys? When they close up on him, and he's staring at someone like Meredith or Addison-I can actually FEEL the intensity through the television. I'm 100% positive that if he was staring at me in real life, I would giggle and blush and lift my dress over my head. That's how he makes me feel. Just all tingly and funny in the pants. God damn, McSteamy. You are my density.

What about Alex totally dissing Addy!? That was amazing. I was laughing my ass off. I didn't see it coming since he's such a man whore and really takes it wherever he can get it, but I loved the twist. It brings more to his character, and Addy's face was hilarious. You could tell she was like, "WTF? Everyone wants me. What is this about?" Awesome. Although I have to say, if I was in a closet with Alex, there's no way I would not at least be trying to take his pants off. Sorry, Daddy, but it's true. Have you seen him?

Okay did anyone else cry like a baby when that Amish girl's best friend told her to go home with her parents even though she knew that meant they could never talk again or see each other or even go to her funeral? OHMIGOD. I was a mess. And then when the mom broke the rule and talked to the friend even though she was shunned. It was so amazing. Yeah-I can't watch Grey's anymore without a box of Kleenex right next to me. Oh but real quick-it was weird when they were examing that girl and she pointed to George and was like, "Hey that guy didn't get to see my business. He should come down and check out my area so he can learn." Wha??? No. No you don't volunteer that, darlin'. You just don't.

Speaking of George, that moment when Izzie hugged him and said those nice things and then went to go away, but he pulled her back to him? Holy crap. How beautiful was that. I cried, I smiled...what a perfectly captured moment of true friendship. Hopefully we're all lucky enough to experience a moment like that. Oh how I loved that scene.

Bailey was magnificent this episode. Still one of my most favorite television characters of all time. She's so strong and smart and resilient and good-hearted and-well really I could go on and on. When the chief said, "You will be chief resident one day." just so absolutely sure, I thought it was fantastic. I mean, duh-obviously she'll be chief because she's amazing, but still it was a great moment. Whoa and what about the chief's wife doing anothery guy? Who knew she was so slutty! Nice, Adele!

Um also I want McDreamy to say to me, "I will always come back." I turned into a pile of mush when he said that, and it wasn't even directed at me.

Now about the ending. Holy. Fucking. Shit. I did NOT in any way see that coming. The Burke one surprised me less because she was talking, and he was just staring at her, and in my head I said, 'What if he asks her to marry him?' Then he did. But the George proposal? Blew my effing mind. Here's my prediction: Callie will say no. Christina will take all episode and finally say yes. I think Callie will say no because she thinks George's proposal is coming from a place of true grief. How can she be sure this is not just a knee-jerk reaction to losing his father? She can't. And let's be honest-that's so what it is. He's not ready to marry her. He's just really sad and lonely right now missing his dad. But Christina and Burke-she even said she was in it for the long haul. I think they will end up getting married. Unless Burke gets fired from the show for being an asshat.

Some stuff

In the news:
- I don't know what to say about this. The theater community will do a play about anything. Seriously.
- This is funny. At lunch we were just talking about microwaving accidents. One time my dad and I put a 3 Musketeers in the microwave, and there was a big purple flash and the microwave shut down. Neither of us thought to take it out of the metal wrapper, and it shrunk down and molded itself onto the candy bar. It was awesome. My dad said, "Don't tell your mother." then we wrapped it in a paper towel and threw it away. John once set a piece of pizza on fire in the microwave his parents had just bought a week earlier. And new guy, RTFM (read the fucking manual), apparently microwaves everything. He started telling us about all these things he put in the microwave and got weird results. Like if you cut a grape almost in half and lay it down in the microwave some sort of weird plasma bubble forms over it. WTF. I picture RTFM like Phoebe's brother, Frank, on "Friends". Remember how his hobby was that he melted stuff. That's RTFM. He microwaves stuff.
- Holy shit this is the closest we've ever come to Star Trek. Set your phaser to "stun". Yeah I did just whip out some Star Trek knowledge. I have many levels, you guys.

- On Monday I was in the elevator with this woman, and we started talking about the weather, and she asked me if I knew what the weather was going to be like on Wednesday. I said I didn't know but that knowing Cleveland in January, it would suck. Then she said, "I hope it's nice. That's hump day." I really didn't know how to respond to that since I haven't had a conversation about hump day since I was in 6th grade.

- You know how when you have the TV on in the background, but you're not really paying attention to it because you're so deeply entrenched in whatever else you're doing like cleaning or reading (playing electronic Tetris) so you end up watching some lame ass show, and you don't realize it until it's halfway over? That's what happened to me last night, and can I just say that it is extremely depressing to hear a really great song that you love playing on "One Tree Hill"? Now it's tainted. Goddamn you, Chad Michael Murray. God. Damn. You.