Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Some things I need to say

To the greeting card industry c/o the humorous card department,
Can you please get your act together and write a card that's actually funny and doesn't make me want to slit my wrists with one of your existing crap cards? If I see another card like this someone's going to get a beatdown:

"Sisters are wonderful people...but enough about me! Happy Valentine's Day!"

Holy crap that card was kind of cute when I bought it the first time 15 years ago. Now it's just annoying. Also I think it might be time to retire this one:

"I wanted to give you money for your birthday...but mall security yanked me out of the fountain before I could get any!"

I got that card for my 12th birthday. TWELFTH! And also I'm not even going to tell you what you can do with the "I hope you like this card...someone farted in the card store so this is the only one I could grab before I had to get out of there!" card. I'll give you a hint: stick it where the sun don't shine (i.e., where one would fart from while in a card store).

Come on, greeting card industry! Let's pull it together!

To Pedigree:
Why are you trying to hurt me with this commercial? This might be the single most heartwrenching commercial I have ever seen, and I am including all Hallmark commercials when I say that. I can't watch it anymore. It sends me into a tailspin of sadness and then I lay awake thinking about all the beautiful dogs who can't find homes, and oh...my...God. I hate you Pedigree!!

11 comments:

Karen said...

I completely agree with you on the Pedigree commercial. The first time I saw it I cried and thought maybe it was just my mood. But now every time it comes on I tear up. I've taken to muting it. Thank god it doesn't feature cats or I'd probably have taken to my bed weeks ago and would still be there.

Skeezix said...

I saw that Pedigree commerical last night and started crying. It made me feel like a horrible person for having just signed a lease an apartment that doesn't allow pets. Because I can't adopt a dog now, some dog is going be sad and maybe die.

Thanks Pedigree for making me feel like crap.

Anonymous said...

That commercial is fierce. I cry everytime I see it. I not only cry...it ruins my entire evening. I tried changing the channel once but felt like I was neglecting them and turned it back just in time for them to say "but I do know I'm a good dog" and I totally lost it. Why is it that I don't have the same visceral response when I see the "feed the starving children" commercials??

-Lo

CruiserMel said...

Aw geez, I clicked on the link. Waahhhhhhhh. No fair, no fair! Let's adopt them all!

russ said...

That commercial is brutal. I always say "Why must you torture me, David Duchovny, why?!"

Effer.

Anonymous said...

You should adopt a dog! Kennedy needs a friend! Also, think about it from this perspective...all those dogs in cages are not stuck with owners who force them to wear silky dresses and hide their manhood. Ask my dog...it's not good. Seriously, you should get a dog! -Steph

John said...

I think I could write good greeting cards

Adam said...

John, there can't possibly be a single original greeting card message left in the world.

Beth said...

I hate pedigree too! Love what they are trying to do and their commercial accomplished what it wanted to....I cry everytime I see it and want to go to the nearest shelter and bring home every single dog in the place... if I only could. those dog's eyes are SO sad......

Steven said...

Yo. For a greeting card that you might finally think of as funny try this:

rubberchickencards.com

Glaziersgirl said...

Ok, so I know it isn't original to say this, but I cry like a big baby when I see this one too. I am a dog lover with 3 of my own (my little Flash was a found dog) and I can hardly bear it.

On the card thing....I totally agree. Wish I was funnier, I would start my own greeting card company.