Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Letters for January 30th

Dear rear driver's side tire,
Remember when I pulled into the garage and heard a weird sound so I looked all over the place for a leak and then I realized it was coming from you and then I sat there and watched you deflate in front of my eyes so my dad had to come over and help me change you? I do. Because it was last night. At midnight. I cannot tell you how awesome it was to be out in 15 degree weather changing a tire until 1am. I think my dad really appreciated being woken up to come over and do manual labor. I don't think he has ever wanted me to have a boyfriend more in his entire life. I think my favorite part, though, was having to get the spare tire out because whoever designed how it's stored on the car clearly hates me and my dad and will be receiving threatening hatemail in 2-4 days depending on how fast the US Postal Service can deliver it.

Dear Dad,
Thanks for coming to my rescue again. I promise I will find a boyfriend soon. Or maybe I could hire a guy to just do the "handyman" stuff around the house. Any takers? In exchange for your help I will let you live with me and then marry me and have kids with me. I can't believe no one wants this job.

Dear house and car and other things I own that have a lot of things that could possibly break on or in them,
The furnace broke on me Sunday night. Then the tire last night. If you are thinking about breaking anytime soon, just...you know...just don't. I can't take it anymore.

Dear adulthood,
You suck.

Dear ladies of Cleveland and neighboring towns...and states,
I need to warn you that my friend Matt is on the prowl. Yesterday he bought an Audi TT which basically looks like this. Also we watched "How I Met Your Mother" last night, and it was the episode about how girls think architects are hot. Matt, being an architect, began practicing his opening line, "Matt LastName, Architect". It's smooth but kind of creepy. Also he has taken to describing himself has someone with "the soul of an artist and the hands of a master craftsman". Be on the lookout. If you are interested, though, let me know. I'll totally hook you up. Whoa did I just pimp you out on the Internet, Matty? Awesome.


matt said...

That's right ladies...bring it.

Signed, Matt LastName, Architect

Johnny Virgil said...

that architect thing never really seemed to pan out for George Costanza. Also, a good xmas gift from your dad would be a triple A membership. Not double A, *triple* A.

And you are totally right about adulthood.

Gordon said...

JV-I think part of the reason it never worked for George is because he was still a short, stocky, slow-witted bald man.

Sarah- Actually, you pimped Matt AND yourself in this post. A little 2 for 1 action. That's good value. Well played.

slcup said...

As we all know, I've pretty much got the lowest standards possible. You say Matt has a job, but does he shower on a daily basis? That's the clincher.

Anonymous said...

I proposed to Matt this past weekend (you see, I have an SUV and a man with a sports car needs a wife with an SUV for the Cleveland winters, I was hoping to jump on him b/f the other ladies got to the car) and he turned me down cold. I had no idea the reason he isn't ready to commit is because he is learning pick up moves from a show where Doogie Howser is the big ladies man. Matt! It's TV! It doesn't work...Architects aren't hot (says the blushing girl that has made out with just about every one of them in the Cleveland-Pittsburgh area)...actually this could definitely up your stock.

Also, it's not possible for me to adore Sarah's dad anymore. Not possible. I hope I get to drink Scotch with him on Friday...-Steph

Mon said...

I keep thinking about opening up a service for men to do handy things for women, but now that I work for the police dept I'm sorta thinking it might be some sort of prostitution and I'd get in trouble. Cus you know there'd be some women who wanted a little 'more service'

One thing is for sure, when it rains, it pours!

russ said...

I once lived in an apartment where the furnace went out in mid-January and it took us two weeks to get motivated enough to go downstairs and figure out how to reset the pilot... so I'm not exactly Mr. Handyman (more Mr. Handsyman). But I gotta say knowing how to change a tire is a skill that could get you out of a bind or two...

I'd also like to point out that slcup does have some pretty high standards... I expected it to say "shower regularly"... but "daily"??

And I'm shocked and appalled that Steph has an SUV. An SUV! What's up with that? It better be a hybrid.

Lindystar said...

Right. We thought it would be SO freakin great to be for real adults. Oh ho ho, . . . yeah.

F*** You Adulthood. F*** You.

(and thanx Sarah, at least now I know I'm not the only one with an abused loving dad, I *heart* that kick ass old man)

matt said...

Technically Steph, I'd only be using you for your back seat....uuuhhhhh...what. Turns out my sports car will be all wheel drive. But rest assured tomorrow morning when I get it I'll be cruising around with the top down, the all wheel drive getting me through the snow and the heated seats and scarf to keep me warm.

Matt LastName, Architect...out.

citygirl said...

Having stuff break and needing to take care of it yourself when you're not sure how is the #1 crappy thing about owning a house/car.

When I was still an apartment dweller my hot water heater blew up, spewing nuts and bolts and jagged metal shards everywhere. I have never been more greatful for being too lazy to go pee as soon as the urge hits.

KP said...

I hear duct tape & WD40 is all you need.

CruiserMel said...

I can sympathize with your house and car woes. I hate that I have to take vacation days to sit around waiting for repair men. So ridiculous. I've been known to say, more than once, that I need a wife to do that stuff.

i am not said...

actually cruisermel hit on something important... i've been married for 8+ years and i've been saying for the last 4 that i need a wife. i need a wife. i think being a grown up sucks - i'm with you on that one.

John said...

Hey Mon, how about a service where the guy comes over to fix stuff and in return the girl gives him oral. I don't think that's prostitution becase you're not paying for sex, you're paying with sex.

ThatGirl7278 said...

My (current) worst fear: not using my car for over two weeks (post op and all) and then starting it and hearing the not so good "car start up" noises it made. It better just be pissed at me for not driving it around for so long.

Anyway, I'm back! YAY!