Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Letters for January 23, 2007

Dear Roseanne Barr,
Your show seriously effing sucks. How come I didn't notice that when it was on? I watched it on Nick at Nite a couple days ago, and I wanted to kill myself. Well, really I wanted to kill you, but I have easier access to me.

Dear Nick at Nite,
What the hell are you doing. Stop airing Roseanne and Full House. Have some self respect for the love of God.

Dear Cartoon Network,
While I'm writing to TV stations, I'd just like to say a couple things to you. First, great work on bringing Frisky Dingo on board. That is an effing fantastic show. And second, I hate when I fall asleep watching your network, and I wake up in the middle of the night to Japanese anime. I'm sorry, but it's just creepy. Fullmetal Alchemist scares the crap out of me.

Dear Christmas decorations,
Okay so I collected you from throughout the house and put you in a pile on my dining room table. Could you be dears and see that you all get in the rubber storage bins and up on the shelves in my garage? I would do it myself except that I have so much going on like thinking about vacuuming and eating diced peaches and pretending I'm Ann Wilson singing "Magic Man" into my hairbrush. So if you could just do this one thing for me, that would really help me out a lot. Thanks.

Dear Internet,
I'm not even going to pretend that I tried to watch the State of the Union address. "Veronica Mars" was on. So you know.

Dear British kid from "Cry Wolf",
I don't know who you are, but, my, you are a little cutie piece of Britishness. I would like to import you from the motherland.

Dear coworker G,
Every day I wake up, and it takes every single last ounce of energy and willpower in my entire 5'9", million pound body to get myself out of my Beech-sheet-covered bed and into the shower and then drive myself 30 minutes to my soul draining, spirit killing job where before I even take off my coat 10 people call me to ask me questions and my boss leaves me notes like "See me". The one bright spot in my morning is getting to fill out the Sudoku puzzle on my daily tear-off calendar. So let's imagine, if you will, how I must feel when I finally have a minute to breathe and do my puzzle, and it's already filled in. There are no words, G. No words. Only anger. The kind of anger that is so strong it literally takes on its own form and personality-Incredible Hulk style. That is what you do to me when you fill out my puzzle, G. And I'll tell you what-I don't know how much longer I can control the monster from jumping over the cube wall and strangling you with your own phone cord. If you force me to lock up my tear-off calendar, I will do it. But it will be the most ridiculous thing that has ever had to be done in an office setting, and I will resent you forever. I will also blog about it. STEP AWAY FROM THE CALENDAR.

13 comments:

Johnny Virgil said...

One time, I was watching that network and I turned the TV off and then fell asleep on the couch. When I woke up at 3:30am, the TV was back on and FULL METAL ALCHEMIST was showing.

That's why I'm still awake right now. I'm afraid to sleep.

russ said...

Wow, I recently caught a couple Roseannes and was impressed by them.

But then I also watch the SotU Address, so I've got other issues.

Marianne said...

Perhaps you can leave G some directions to the photocopier, or even some tracing paper so that everyone can enjoy your puzzle.

People have nerve.

Lindystar said...

Or, you could leave G directions on how to Fuck off and die.

Seriously, stick one of those tiny post it notes to it and write it in your smallest handwriting possible so that the only person to ever notice will be the offender.

Anonymous said...

You know...I'm sad today. Very sad. Your blog has made me sad.

Here's the deal. I watched the State of the Union with the rapt attention and passion a meathead might watch the Super Bowl (ok, or me watching OSU fb). I talked back to the TV, I clapped at parts, I yelled at parts. I watched all the commentary and experts discuss the game plan.

What makes me sad...a 30 year old woman who writes a love letter to the cartoon network gets to vote with the same weight as me. What a cruel, cruel world. -Steph

Sgt said...

Damn you Sarah! I was so almost over you, and then you post your letter to coworker G and totally reignited my secret internet crush flame!

I hate you... call me!

Sarah said...

JV, oh I know. That's some scary shit, and the voices do not match the characters.

Russ, really? I understand watching the SotU because you know you're all political and responsible. But Roseanne? It's not funny, Russ. What's responsible about that?

Marianne, tracing paper! Awesome.

Lindystar, I like your subtle approach with the post-it note juxtaposed with the completely not subtle message.

Steph, I almost addressed that letter specifically to you. I knew it would upset you. Awesome.

Sgt, you tried to leave me? That hurts. But that's what I do-I pull you back in with my bitter letters to people who piss me off. You can't stay away!!

CruiserMel said...

It's so good to know I'm not the only one who thinks anime is weird. It scares me. Kinda like those paintings of little kids with those huge eyes that hang in cheap motels. Not that I'd know anything about cheap motels.

Tell G to buy his own damn sudoku calendar. They're probably in the markdown bin now. M-f'er.

Dan said...

"Roseanne" is the one show on my tivo that has a thumbs down rating. I don't even know what the thumbs down rating does, but I thought it fitting.

citygirl said...

Thanks, now I'm gonna have Magic Man in my head for the rest of the day and night. I probably won't even be able to get to sleep later.

Dammit. *magic man*

Sarah said...

There are worse songs to have in your head, my dear citygirl! "Come on home, girl, he said with a smile. You don't have to love me yet. Let's get high a while. But try to understand. Try to understand. Try try try to understaaaaand....I'm a magic man!!" That's it I'm getting my hairbrush.

russ said...

Here's a song that's pretty bad -- but the video is chock-a-block with 80s references, so that's something.

"AG" said...

All anime gives me the creeps.

I actually like the show Roseanne (I hate her as a person). It's one of the few working class America shows.