Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Animals with gliding membranes are so cute

About a year ago, Scott, kind of in passing, told me about this guy that Johnny Virgil used to work for who used to bring in a sugar glider to work with him every day. What's a sugar glider you ask? It's a small marsupial possum. Seriously. This man brought in an animal and kept it in his pocket and/or a sock tacked up to his bulletin board. At that moment the conversation completely halted because I physically couldn't let it move on. I had about 700 questions. Okay really I had like 10 questions, but I asked them over and over and over again:

1. Wait, so like he brought an animal in with him?
2. Like to work?
3. Seriously?
4. Are you fucking kidding me?
5. How did he not get fired?
6. Seriously?
7. He brought an animal to work in his pocket?
8. Every day?
9. Wait what?
10. Am I on candid camera?

Shortly after that, Scott asked Johnny V. to verify the story and I had all the same questions for him. I also begged him to write a post about it and, mercifully, he did. I have now heard this story about 20 times from 3 or 4 different people, and I still cannot believe what I am hearing. I honestly can't wrap my brain around how this is possible, but I have to accept JV at his word.

Well today, via inner office mail, I received this:

Johnny Virgil actually found this at his desk and sent it to me. In case you can't read it, it's called "Sugar Gliders: A Complete Pet Owner's Manual". And it's not just any manual it comes "With a special chapter: Understanding Sugar Gliders". He signed the inside cover for me: "Sarah, Keep Smilin'! JV's Old Boss's Name Here". Goddammit why is JV the greatest person ever on Earth.

My coworker and I spent a good 30 minutes reading passages from this manual aloud and making fun of the illustrations. I could really just reprint the whole thing as a blog post it's that funny, but I won't do that to you 1) because it's plagiarizing and 2) because it's about effing sugar gliders. I just need to show you this one paragraph. It's on the Preface page where there's a little personal anecdote by the author. In the top right corner there sits a pink shaded Warning! box. And this is what it says:

"While sugar gliders may be beneficial to your emotional health, it has been observed that prolonged exposure can lead to an obsessive preoccupation with them, resulting in an overall decline in housework, homework and television watching. Those affected may develop odd speech patterns in which the words sugar glider are uttered in almost every sentence. Those with symptoms of Chronic Obsessive Sugarglideritis (C.O.S.) should seek solace from similarly affected individuals. To date, no cure has been found for this highly contagious condition."

--Caroline MacPherson, Sugar Gliders: A Complete Pet Owner's Manual (this is my way of including a bibliography).

I...I have no idea what to say. It's like where do I even begin to make fun of this. There are too many ways. So I'll just leave you with this. One of the headings for a section in this book is "Encouraging Your Pet to Glide You". [Insert dirty animal sex joke here.]


Johnny Virgil said...

What little evidence I have suggests that C.O.S. can be fatal, so be careful.

Like I've told you, it's really hard to do the story justice. My description pales in comparison to actually sitting there and trying to act like nothing is out of the ordinary while you are watching a pee-stain spread slowly outward from his pocket.

Marianne said...

Thank you thank you thank you!

I am using this in my research methods class today as an example of responsbile web blogging. We discussed how the internet makes plagiarism all the easier during our first. You are truly a role model (at least today).

Hugh Janus said...

I'll assume that pee-stain thing is the truth because you can't come up with comedy like that.

But if you did, Kudos to you. (that's capitalized because I'm really sending you the granola-ey bar - To: JV c/o New York woods)

Carly said...

signed by (redacted) (redacted) (redacted) JUNIOR himself ???!!!

that's gotta be worth something.

he was such a freak.

danielle said...

holy eff hor. marianne is using you as an example of responsible web blogging. 2007 is so fantastic.

CruiserMel said...

Do y'all do anything at that company other than laugh? This is too funny.

Sarah said...

JV, thank you so much for this book. You have brought me endless amounts of joy.

Marianne, holy crap you are in trouble if you are using me as any sort of role model for anything. I love it!! You have to tell me how that class went.

Hugh Janus, the pee-stain thing is the truth and when you wrote "To: JV c/o New York woods" pop came out of my nose.

Carly, isn't that hilarious. When I saw the signature, I lost it. JV is too much for me.

Hor, holy eff I know. Thus begins the world's downward spiral.

Cruisermel, we also bitch a lot. But yeah-that's mostly what we do. It's awesome.

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

Awesome. I've told the story of (redacted)(redacted)(redacted) junior many times and it's always met with the question - "This was in an OFFICE? Or did you mean you were working in a pet store?"

BTW - If JV finds a copy of "Civillian Marine Weekly" laying around there signed by Chip I'd really like to see THAT.

Violet said...

Wait. He brought it in a sock and taped it to his wall?? What???

Anonymous said...

I want to know what Marianne's class thinks about Danielle calling you a hor. Now THAT is responsible blogging if I ever saw it.

Johnny Virgil said...

Hey, whattayaknow? JV c/o New York Woods actually works.

Thanks for the not-quite candy bar.

Marianne said...

Well the class seemed slightly more entertained than when I delved into a lecture on the distinction between applied and basic research. That's about all I was hoping for.

Thanks for helping to shape the future.

I did have to black out the word "effin" (it's a Catholic University) but I made sure to own up to it.