I'm an ass and there are pictures to prove it

I was going through pictures last night looking for some good ones for my collage frames, and I came across these pictures from when a huge group of us went up to the Post-Gazette Pavilion in Pittsburgh to see Jimmy Buffet. There is one picture in particular that caught my eye that will never be making it into any collage ever. Let me explain. I am not a Jimmy Buffet fan. I really don't like his music besides "Margaritaville" and that song about the cheeseburger. But I am a huge fan of Jimmy Buffet concerts. If you have never been, you really should make an effort to go. Buffet fans are CRAZY. I've never seen a group of drunker people ever.

I just want to mention that I love watching concerts at the Post-Gazette Pavilion. They let you in really early to tailgate, and the cops don't give a rat's behind about people drinking. They only care that you're not using cans or bottles. In fact they drive around handing out plastic cups. How awesome is that!?

Anyway, nobody tailgates like Buffet fans. When we went we did the usual tailgating behavior: cooked some burgers, drank some alcohol, played some Flip Cup, took pictures of a paper parrot in some questionable poses. The entire week before the concert, the entire drive to the concert and the entire day leading up to the concert, Gerbs kept talking about how he had a first aid kit in his car. See, the year before when we went there for Poison, my sister broke her foot (more on that another day) so Gerbs was convinced we needed a first aid kit. He was so proud of himself for bringing it. I told him if he mentioned the phrase "first aid kit" again I would smack him.

Toward the end of tailgating when we were getting ready to pack up and go, I decided, quite logically, that I would ram people with my head-you know just to see what would happen. It's possible I was slightly inebriated and may have just woken up after passing out while in the middle of sipping a drink through a straw. Anyway, I decided to run full force into Al to try and knock him over. I backed up, got a running start and slammed into Al...who didn't even move an inch. Unfortunately for me, the laws of physics meant that since Al didn't move, I did. I fell backwards-hard. I landed on my ass and sat there laughing for a while. Someone immediately took a picture and then I started feeling some stinging on my legs. "My leg stings," I said. I heard Gerbs shout, "I'll get the first aid kit!" Then all the guys ran over to help me up. They were semi-freaking out, and I was like, "Whoa, my babies, it's okay. I just fell." Turns out I didn't just fall. I fell into a pile of hot, burning coals. They had just been dumped out of the grill we were using to make hamburgers.

By the time I got up, Gerbs was standing there with his First Aid kit. He looked so excited. I could tell he was looking for damage to my body so he could use some gauze or something. "Too bad, Gerbs! I'm fine!", I said, still laughing like the moronic drunk girl I was. Then Renee said, "Holy shit what is wrong with your hand?" I looked, "Ooh that looks bad" I said. I had landed with almost all of my weight (and that's a lot) onto my left hand. It was bleeding and actually had little rocks stuck in it. It sounds grosser than it looked. Just kidding-it was totally disgusting. Gerbs immediately handed the first aid kit to someone else. "Hey-I bought the damn thing. That's as helpful as I get. You guys do it." Thanks, Gerbs.

Seven girls immediately swarmed around my hand and starting cleaning it and picking out rocks. They kept telling me to try and concentrate on something else so I wouldn't feel the pain, but I was too busy trying to kick my friend Mike and steal his potato chips to even notice that I had a hand. I ended up having to wear these big bandages on my hand for a week, and my leg was a little burnt, but whatever. Someone somewhere has a picture of me sitting in a pile of coals wearing a visor that lights up and a t-shirt that says "Get leid island style" with both hands over my head doing the "I love you"/"[80's band] fucking rocks!" hand signal. That's worth a little pain.

My weekend

Friday we went to a very expensive restaurant for Meg's birthday. I had a $30 steak and got creeped out by the waiters, but the sangria was flowing, the steak was awesome, there was a guy with the same hairstyle as Diane and Steph did the sprinkler inside the fancy restaurant for all to see. We went back to Meg's apartment and drank wine, sang and watched the Indians almost win and then lose to the GODDAMN MOTHEREFFING WHITE SOX. Then I was unexpectedly sidelined by a massive migraine and had to leave.

Saturday after we almost won then lost football, I sealed my deck. How very homeownerish of me! For anyone wondering, sealing your deck is very easy. Just follow these simple steps:

1. Stand out on your driveway for two hours waiting for the cable guy while your mom seals your deck.

Voila! Your deck is now protected from the elements! By the way, to my cable/internet company: I'm watching you. Sleep with one eye open. Seriously.

Saturday night we went to Danielle's new house where she has approximately 17 rooms and 3 chairs spread throughout all of them. It was a good time, though, as I drank wine and listened to her XM radio and then her iPod Nano. Oh that reminds me-can someone buy me an iPod Nano? That would be great. Thanks.

Today I did a whole lot of nothing. Then my parents came over and my mom made us lasagna, and I died and went to heaven. Seriously her lasagna is the best ON THE ENTIRE PLANET so don't even act like your mom's is better because it's not. I will fight you.

I will leave you with two things.

1 - I have decided I will be taking Dane Cook as my lawfully wedded husband. We will be together forever and have lots and lots of babies. We are in love.

2 - Here is a picture of my Henry getting ready to lick my face off:

Accomplishments

This week I know 2 people who got engaged (not to each other), 1 who got married and 1 who found out she is pregnant. All these life events happening around me got me thinking about what I accomplished this week:

- Sucked at football
- Bought "The Muppet Show: Season 1" on DVD
- Allergy shots
- Came in late to work every day
- Saw the Indians lose
- Accidentally stabbed myself in the eye
- Stuffed myself with stir fry from Mongolian BBQ
- Sucked at volleyball
- Accidentally scratched my forehead
- Made fun of Diane
- Wished harm on every single person on the road
- Wore grandma shoes to work (today)
- Got up on a rolling desk chair to inspect my bathroom fan because of a "scary noise" and almost immediately fell to the ground because the chair rolled out from underneath me

In addition to all of this I had not one but two migraines. Who's list is longer? No-good luck with your marriages and babies I'm just saying it sounds like that's all you can handle at one time. Some of us are just better multitaskers I guess.

P.S. Holy crap, "Lost". Look when I watch the show I am already at extremely high stress levels, okay? There was absolutely no need to throw the shark in there. Are you trying to kill me?

Artiste

Sarah's running low on blog material so it's time to reach back into the archives to share some childhood memories. Tonight I will be featuring some of my finest artwork. I call it: Sarah's Artwork.

Here is my personal interpretation of Santa Claus. I made this when I was in Kindergarten. Please note the giant eyes, miniature mouth and Hitler moustache.

Here is my owl made out of egg cartons. Also Kindergarten. Apparently owls have eyebrows that they can use to stab you if you get out of line. I don't know what that gunk is by his beak. Probably snot.

I drew this in third grade. This is an eggplant. You can tell because next to it, it says, "This is an eggplant." Is it just me or is this the most terrifying eggplant you've ever seen? It's like an eggplant that you might find in "Invasion of the Body Snatchers".

Here's another one I made in third grade. It's my self portrait. Even back then I knew I would end up a coked out whore with herpes simplex 2 and a body wave.

Fourth grade. This is what haunts your dreams at night. It will come to life later, go over to your house and stare at you through your window. Don't make any sudden movements when you see it. And don't mind it's chanting and glowing red eyes.

Here is a "paper" I wrote about Native Americans. I think this was fifth grade. Please check out my cover art. I chose to go with the multi-colored Crayola markers and awful, offensive rendering of an American Indian. Although this is nothing compared to what I drew on the inside:

Nice. That thing behind the Indian is apparently some sort of shelter, though it really just looks like I drew a log going through that guy's head. If there are any Native Americans reading this, I'm sorry.

This is the pillow I sewed in eighth grade Home Economics. It's an ice cream cone. It also took me 3 times as long to make it as it took everyone else in the class to make theirs. Goddammit I hated that class. One of our tests consisted entirely of sewing on a button and a snap to a piece of fabric. That's it. I got a D. The pre-pubescent 14 year old boy sitting next to me got an A. The only other person who did worse than me was this guy Ed who used to drive to eighth grade and who missed the test because a girl drove up to the school in a convertible, and he walked out of school in the middle of class, hopped into the convertible without using the door and drove off.

I will leave you with an inspirational haiku I wrote in second grade:

Spring is very nice
It brings lots of blossoms here
The blossoms are nice

I shouldn't even have to be posting this

I was recently informed of some alarming news: only 20% of men wash their hands after going to the bathroom. 20%!! Come on, men-this is basic pre-school shit. I mean I knew you were filthy, but this is ridiculous. I've heard all the excuses: it's not the same as it is for women, I don't have to wipe, etc. That's all BS. Let's lay out the possible peeing scenarios here:

1. Holding your twig. Guess what? He's not clean. He's dripping pee not to mention the fact that he's tucked inside with your sweaty berries all day. How would you like it if you watched me shove my hands down my pants and then shook your hand? Don't answer that. Just wash your hands.

2. The wall-leaner. Number 1, you're weird and other guys make fun of you and call you Wall Leaner Guy or No Hands, and now everyone at work is calling you that. Believe me. Number 2, you think the walls in those bathrooms are clean? Hello--heard of splashing? You all do it. I have gone into a bathroom before after a guy has peed, and it was like a category 5 hurricane had been in there-Hurricane Urethra flooding everything in its path with urine*. Sorry-the walls aren't clean. And oh my God if you're holding on to the sides of the urinal, you're just a moron, and I will give you a swirley after gym class. Wash your hands.

3. Hands on waist. While this is definitely impressive, it's even more creepy than being a wall-leaner. People at work are calling you No Hands, too, and they are looking you up in the national sex offender registry. Seriously. Plus you have to touch the little guy before and after peeing, yes? Yes. Refer to #1. Wash your hands.

For the health of others, wash your hands. For your own health, wash your hands. For me, so that I don't have to wonder if everything within a 10 foot radius of you is covered in urine, WASH. YOUR. GOD. DAMN. HANDS.

*I am not trying to be insensitive with my hurricane reference. I'm just trying to keep my posts topical.

P.S. I hate everyone who told me that Yoplait Whips were better than regular yogurt. "It doesn't even really taste like yogurt!" you said. Actually you're right-it doesn't take like yogurt. It tastes like what I would imagine that foamy shit that gathers around the edges of the Cuyahoga River would taste. You all suck. Whips suck.

Letters for September 22, 2005

Dear ABC and creators of "Lost",
You guys owe me some new underwear as I completely soiled mine during last night's episode. How in the hell do you do it week after week? You are amazing. I will make out with you.

Dear skin,
Hi. You're not 13 so let's stop it with the zits, mkay? I swear to God I will Noxema your ass right now if you don't shape up.

Dear guy at volleyball who tried to block my shot but I totally stuffed your ass,
You should be ashamed of yourself. Have you seen me play volleyball? I am terrible. You basically got stuffed by a mildly retarded, overweight bag of jello with a 3 inch vertical leap. Pathetic.

Dear Rita,
Holy shit, bitch. What is your problem? First of all, quit trying to be Katrina, okay? She doesn't like copycats. Second of all, if it was possible to punch a hurricane, I would punch you right in your goddamn eye. If anyone is left in Texas, GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE! I'll try to send more money after my next paycheck. You guys will need S & V Pringles, too.

Dear Martha Stewart,
There has been a lot of speculation about what your final words would be to the losing contestant on "The Apprentice: Martha Stewart". Donald has his "You're fired", and the entire world was waiting with bated breath to hear what you would say. By "the entire world" I mean the media who doesn't have an effing clue what any of us really care about (getting a 4th "Mighty Ducks" movie made). After last night's premiere, it's a mystery no more. And what did you choose to go with? "Goodbye." WHOA!!! Easy, Martha!! I have no idea how you came up with "Goodbye" to bid someone goodbye, but goddamn that's clever.

Dear bed,
I would pay any amount of money to be in you right now.

Holy crap "Lost" is on tonight

- "Lost" starts tonight, and I am so excited I can barely concentrate on work. Who are The Others? Where is Walt and why did they take him??? Holy shit WHAT IS DOWN THE HATCH???? I cannot deal with this.

- This weekend we won our football game even though the other team was really mean. I totally got elbowed/forearmed in the head and fell over like a ton of bricks. You know how some sports injuries make you hotter to the opposite sex? Yeah not this one. This one was just a disaster as I laid in the mud and held my head whimpering. Somehow I also landed on my cleat, and I have a humongous bruise on the side of my knee. Don't tell my dad okay. He doesn't want me to be playing football.
Other injuries incurred on Saturday:
Bob - pulled hamstring. Bob caught a pass and was running down the field then someone pushed him hard out of bounds. It was raining so his leg slipped, and he pulled his hamstring. Highlight of this injury: right before he got hurt as he was running, his pants fell down. Runner up highlight of this injury: while Bob was down on the ground Drew said, "Oh my God-he's leaking gravy!!"
Steph - bruised browbone. Steph caught an elbow to her eye. Highlight of this injury: it happened after the football game at the bar.

- Lately I have been taking crap for not updating the blog every 3 minutes. The thing is, the people complaining are people who know me and people who I see at least once a week-usually much more than that. What is the deal, people? When we are out together no one is this interested in hearing what I have to say.

- There is a church near my house that I pass on my way home from work everyday. They always have these crazy sayings on their light up billboard so I've decided to start a regular feature here on Okay Seriously. I will call it: Crazy Church Billboard Sayings. I proudly present the first installment of Crazy Church Billboard Sayings with this gem:

GOD ANSWERS KNEEMAIL

Dinner party

5 Reasons why I am awesome:
1. I had off today.
2. I cooked dinner tonight. For a total of SEVEN PEOPLE.
3. My house is still standing and no one was killed.
4. I had candlesticks on the table and a for real tablecloth.
5. I made mashed potatoes from scratch. Some people use a hand mixer. Me-I mash that shit by hand. That's just how I roll.

5 reasons why I am not awesome:
1. I cut myself using kitchen shears and now it really stings. And it's not like using kitchen shears is any different than using regular scissors which means I shouldn't really be allowed to use scissors.
2. I wore a tiara the entire time I cooked. And also throughout the entire dinner party.
3. I burnt the rolls. Fucking rolls, people. Out of a tube.
4. Even though no one was killed, there was a maiming. It's not entirely my fault, though I think not having discerning taste when it comes to buying a set of knives maybe played a part. My knives actually are the worst knives on the planet and couldn't even cut through watermelon. As a result, blood was shed, bandaids were used, complaining was NEVERENDING. We get it, Diane-your finger hurts. My knives are bad. Point taken. Seriously though if your finger turns green, you should probably go see someone about that.
5. Without going into detail, somehow an unused tampon ended up being a central theme to my dinner party.

All in all I give my party an A-. Points were taken off for Diane's bloody finger and burnt rolls. However, points were added for Drew eating in a wifebeater.

I tried to watch the prez last night but got bored

Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney are getting an annulment. This would have the same impact on me as Brad and Jen except for one small thing...I don't care. Maybe Renee realized that you're not really supposed to make it with Kenny. You're just supposed to rock out to "I Go Back" cuz that song effing rules.

I read this article yesterday in the Cleveland Scene that said we set up housing for 1,000 Katrina victims. Each person would get a free medical exam, a bunch of necessities and a cot at the Convention Center until apartments could be found for them with new furniture, etc. Also each family would have its own caseworker and community volunteer to help them find employment. Then FEMA suspended the flights here because no one wanted to come here. Yes, that's right. Those people would rather sit in the water filled with dead bodies and alligators than come to Cleveland. I almost feel like I should call up B and apologize. "You were right, B. I guess even deadly bacteria is more appealing than Cleveland." I guess they are going to force 500 people to come here. This is ridiculous. To those that refused shelter here: I'm so sorry for the tragic loss you've suffered and that the road ahead of you is long and hard. And I know that you had absolutely no choice whatsoever about your current situation-it was just an awful, awful tragedy. I know this isn't home and will never be home for you, but get your fucking priorities straight. And to the mayor of Cleveland: how come you don't offer the same deal for the people right here who are living on your streets? Okay that is as political as I'm willing to get.

Last night I had flashbacks from Sunday when we were tailgating. I remember I had to pee really bad, and as we were walking into the stadium we passed a fire hydrant, and I'm fairly sure as we passed it Matt and I both lifted a leg. We didn't pee, but still-we lifted a leg at a fire hydrant in public. Alcohol may have been a factor. Matt, can you confirm that this really happened? And was I wearing my trucker hat? Also can you confirm that no one saw us? Dear God I hope no one saw us.

I smell bacon

I got pulled over this morning. I was completely taken by surprise. I knew I wasn't speeding because the jackwad in front of me WASN'T EFFING MOVING!!! I thought maybe it was for tailgating since I was essentially up jackwad's tailpipe because apparently it's difficult to drive and totally suck as a person at the same time, and he chose to suck.

Anyway, the cop pulled me over and told me it was for running a stop sign. I was pissed. The intersection where I turn out of my neighborhood has a stop sign, and I usually roll through it, but I didn't today. I swear. Then he told me it was for the stop sign before that one-the one in my neighborhood. Ah. Yes that explains it. I don't even acknowledge that one. In fact, I probably sped up when I saw it due to my assertion that it is completely useless.

Luckily my friend Mike is a cop, and he had given me an F.O.P. card which is the first thing I grabbed out of my wallet when I saw the police lights turn on. The guy let me go with a warning, and then I gave him a warning: I'm gonna go ram that jackwad's rear bumper up there. No I didn't say that...out loud.

Thank you for saving my ass, Mike!!!