Recent life-changing events

I'd quickly like to clear up some confusion surrounding the questions Adam asked me the other day (the ones listed below). He was not making fun of me! He's going through some life changes/big decisions right now. I love that some of you jumped to my defense, but don't worry. Adam is good people. Adam, if you were making fun of me then we might have to break up and/or come to blows.

Okay now onto the life-changing events that have taken place recently:

1. I got a subscription to Real Simple. Words cannot tell you how much I love this magazine and how old it makes me feel. It's one of 2 things* I bought myself with my bonus money. When I got my first issue, I was like Ralphie from "A Christmas Story" when he got Little Orphan Annie's decoder ring in the mail. I ran inside as fast as I could and ripped it open only to find it completely filled with ads for Ovaltine. Wait-that part's not true. I really found it filled with complete amazingness. I wish I was one of those women. The women who are so together they even have time to write a magazine article about how they are so together and how I can be together, too!! They have tips and tricks for everything. I am not an organized, together person. I am a discombobulated, harried person. These women are to me what cowboys were to little boys when my dad was young. That may be sad, but, God, I just really don't care when I am reading about 20 tips that make cleaning my house a breeze.

2. Last Saturday night at 2:30am, I ate Taco Bell. What's so life-changing about that, you ask? How about this:

a) I hate Mexican food
b) In 29 years and 4 months of life on this Earth, I have never eaten anything from Taco Bell except some nacho chips a few weeks ago. Which I threw up.

I do not like Taco Bell. But at Diane's insistence-okay and the vodka's insistence-I had a taco. And despite not being a huge fan of the spiciness, I rather enjoyed this first experience and would consider eating this at 2:30am on a drunken night again in the future. Lettuce, cheese, sour cream-all good for a chubby bubby like myself.

3 & 4 are because of John. Yes-John has changed my life in 2 significant ways.

3. We made a deal that if I don't start getting up and working out before work, I had to give him something. What is the something he came up with? I have to tell him what I weigh. John, I now know, is an evil genius because he knows there is no way in hell I am ever telling him or anyone else how much I weigh so I pretty much have no choice but to get up and work out or he'll be mad at me, and I really don't want him to be mad at me. As a result of this bet, I have gotten up at 5:45am 3 times in the last week to work out. I don't know if I can put into words just how monumental this is for me. You know how the Declaration of Independence being signed was monumental to U.S. history? This whole working out before work thing? Same ratio of monumentalness to Okay Seriously history. And by that I mean I am now a free country and can elect whoever I want as President. Therefore I elect…Dane Cook. Congratulations, Dane! Meet me in the oval office (sometimes I call my bedroom "the oval office").

4. He taught me how to peel an orange in roughly half the time and with a tenth of the frustration that it used to take me. Observe:

Pre-John:

















Post-John:
















Shop, thank you so much for your contributions to both my health and my orange-eating habits. You are a great friend.

*The second was a male escort.