Getting older, not smarter

On Thursday I had a commitment after work so I didn't get home until about 10:30pm. I did some work on the computer until about 12:30am then I fell asleep on the couch. I woke up at 1:15am and remembered it was trash night. I quickly got the trash together and walked out into my garage. Since it was pouring down rain, I just got the bags together and put them off to the side of my garage to take out in the morning. Exhausted and cold, I opened the door, went inside and went to bed.

Oh if only that's how it would have gone. Instead I went to open the door to go back inside, and it wouldn't open. I did the panic jiggle. I did it again while saying, "Nooooo." And then I banged my forehead against the door just like in every movie you've ever seen. None of it made any difference. Yes-I managed to lock myself out of my house at 1:30am on a night it was pouring rain. My keys and phone inside, I literally stared at the door for about 10 minutes picturing what my night would be like spent in the garage. Sleeping in my car, explaining to my boss why I wasn't at work.

Then I tried to open my car door. And it turns out that my new hobby is to lock things I don't normally lock.

I'm pretty sure I said the phrase, "Oh my God this is so fucking fantastic." about a bajillion times. I was like the effing Sarcastic Rain Man.

I had what I thought was a moment of brilliance when I grabbed my toolbox and decided to break into my own house. Here's the thing: I am an upstanding, law-abiding citizen who has never broken into anything before and whose only idea was to jam a screwdriver into the keyhole. I knew before I did it that it wouldn't work, yet, I still tried it. Over and over. Then I cried.

I knew what I had to do. I had to go to a neighbor's house, wake them up, admit what I had done, use their phone to call my parents and beg for forgiveness later. There was no other choice. I started with the guy who lives next door. I went to his front door and noticed his light was on. Then I noticed the TV was on. This was my chance. I knocked rather than ringing the doorbell thinking that it would be a gentler way to be woken up in the middle of the night.

My neighbor came to the door with the greatest WTF face ever. I immediately apologized and explained that I was a 30 year old adult who had just locked herself out of her own house at 1:30am and needed to call my mommy. He graciously let me in, and I called my parents. They were overjoyed to be awoken from their slumber only to be told that one of them had to drive out to my house with a spare key and let me in.

My neighbor let me stay at his place until my mom got there because it was so cold and rainy out. He even offered me something to drink. He had been up reading so I didn't even wake him up. How lucky is that.

I don't want to speak ill of him because he absolutely saved my ass and was so nice about everything, but I just want to say that he is the same age as my dad, is separated from his wife and the frequency with which he spoke about how many attractive young girls my age live around him was...a tad creepy. Especially when he said, "attractive young girls, like yourself." He told his wife to watch out because of all the attractive young girls living around him. He said "attractive young girls" like 30 times. Also he asked me about my ex-boyfriends (in the context of a conversation where it made sense. It's not like I walked in and he made me fill out a dating history.) When I told him I was single now, he told me he knows I will meet someone very soon. He can feel it. I've talked to him maybe 3 times before. About weather. And once about Christmas lights.

But like I said-I won't say anything bad. Even though I just spent an entire paragraph calling him creepy. Seriously though-I wasn't scared of him in any way, and I felt safe. I think he is lonely and unhappy about his separation and was glad to have the company. It made me a little sad, and I made a mental note to make the effort to say 'hi' more often. Plus he took me in and was very nice and wasn't mad at all that his crazy neighbor lady who talks to her flowers and doesn't pick up her newspapers for a month was at his house in the middle of the night. So semi-creepy neighbor guy, thank you.

And thank you, Mom, for getting up in the middle of the night to come let me into my own house. I bet you thought you were done with that kind of crap when I moved out, grew up and got smarter. Surprise! I'm still a dumb kid!

Seriously, you guys. What is wrong with me. I can't believe I did that. But the thing is-I can totally believe I did that.