Friday, April 08, 2005

Current Events

The other night a friend of mine told another friend that my blog did not discuss news and current events. Clearly this person missed my top-notch reporting on the Jen and Brad breakup, however, I thought maybe today I could prove that I am, in fact, capable of discussing the things that affect our world.

Here is a list of news and current events with intelligent commentary:

1. My friends Gerbs and Shannon are getting a dog tonight. It is a schnoodle.
Intelligent Commentary: A schnoodle is a dog that has a Schnauzer for a mom and a Poodle for a dad. My one friend and I were discussing this--extremely intelligently--and both of us said that we didn't even know there was such a thing as a male Poodle. If there are male Poodles they are obviously gay. But I guess if you lock those two dogs in a room long enough eventually the Poodle's like, "Hey-I have needs. I'll just close my eyes and call you Gary."

2. I went down to the cafeteria this morning to buy some cereal, but all they had left was Special K.
IC: Ew.

3. When I was in college my (male) accounting professor got arrested for soliciting an undercover (male) cop for oral sex in one of the men's bathrooms. To be fair, he was not the only professor at our school who was participating in this kind of activity. That is why the police were working undercover. They had received reports that this was happening with increasing frequency in this particular bathroom. It wouldn't have been quite as big of a scandal for my teacher had he not been married and had his daughter not been attending our school. Anyway, I just saw him downstairs in the lobby of the hotel next door.
IC: I have no idea what he is doing in Cleveland, but it freaked me out. I almost yelled out, "You like accounting and anonymous sex with men!"

I think these are the only things going on in the world right now, but I will continue to report important stories as they come in because I know I am your number one news source.

P.S. Did you guys know Terry Schiavo died? I'm surprised we haven't heard or read anything about it in the news. I guess the media figured intruding on such a private family matter would be in poor taste. Well done, media! Way to hold yourself to a high moral standard!

10 comments:

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

What the hell is it with bathrooms and gay (male) sex? As Paris Hilton would say, "That's so NOT hot."

Erik with a K said...

Oh, gross Shamus - you did not just invoke Paris Hilton's name to bust on something did you? It's Friday so i'll give you a break, but please, don't fucking do that ever again.

"AG" said...

What Erik said!

ARM said...

I like your version of Current Events much better than the newspaper. And you're right! There just wasn't any information about Terri Shaivo...damn the media!

jess. said...

That's it.

I'm never watching the news again. All I need to know is in this blog.

And, I love that male poodles are gay. That's awesome.

Oh, that girl. said...

the poodle things makes me want to quote legally blonde 2 when the receptionist at the doggie salon goes, "Your dogs....are gay". My two sons like to use that quote whenever our two boys dogs are caught humping. Or should I say we catch fez furiously trying to hump bandit.

jess. said...

lol... my two male cats used to hump all the time.

It was quite gross.

JC said...

I second your thoughts on Special K!

Also, gay dogs are not all that uncommon. And no, I have absolutely no proof to back that up other than that one episode of South Park ("Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride" - Sparky the Dog, anyone?)

danielle said...

so there's a non-gay male poodle at big don's right now and he's like really pissed at u. but in all fairness, he's never actually fathered a child so...

Johnny Virgil said...

A male poodle doesn't HAVE to look gay. Just don't let anyone give him that ridiculous haircut. And for god's sake, lose the leather chaps.