Thursday, April 28, 2005

Tips for the Vegas beginner

On Saturday I am going to Las Vegas. My dad has a conference out there so my mom, sister, Drew and I are tagging along. Incidentally, in Spanish "Las Vegas" means "a whale's vagina". that's San Diego. Anyway, I have been going there at least once a year since I graduated from college. I believe this means I am qualified to dispense advice about it. Here I offer you up some helpful tips to enhance your Vegas experience:

- Establish yourself as a high roller early by asking the dealer to lower the minimum bet from $10 to $5.

- While seated at a table, casually knock over your completely full drink so it spills all over the table and everyone's chips and cards.

- If you see a woman who looks like a hooker, chances are that she is, in fact, either a hooker or my sister.

- Make sure you dress nice when you are playing slots because if you hit kind of big a siren and/or bell will ring out, a light will start flashing, a song will start playing and the sound of coins dropping will be louder than all of this and people will stare at you. They will. They will walk up right behind you and stare so help me God.

- If you go to any clubs, try to get into the VIP lounge so that you can rub elbows with the likes of David Faustino and 'N Sync's Lance Bass.

- If you are sitting at a table gambling and drinking all night, and you suddenly realize it's 5am, congratulations-you are awesome. Go get some breakfast, play slots for 3 more hours, go back to your room, puke, put on your bathing suit, go out to the pool and pass out.

- If you are nervous about betting a lot of money, have a few more drinks. Eventually you will be calling the chips "tokens", and you will forget that they have monetary value.

- Always double down on 11 goddamn you. And for the love of God, split your 8's.


Lucky Pink said...

Just found your blog and I love it! Would you mind if I linked you on my blog?


Erik with a K said...

Can I offer a few more tips, Sarah?

#43 - You should accept all handbills thrust at you by strange men while walking the's the only place in America where free porn pictures (badly copied, naturally) are freely distributed

#44 - Mentioning you're personal friends with Nell Carter's former assistant will get you a special table at Emeril's

#45 - Being naked outside in Vegas is kinda, like, accepted. Sometimes it's even expected.

And yes, Lucky Pink should be allowed to link to you...I have vetted her blog for honestly and hilariousness, and anyone who writes a career report for school on being a Disney princess deserves some props.

Sarah said...

Lucky, of course you can link to me! Thanks for reading all this nonsense! Also I will be visiting your blog ASAP after hearing Erik talk about this Disney princess report which, by the way, is awesome.

Erik, good tips! Please tell me you for real told someone you were Nell Carter's former assistant. This would automatically make you my hero.

danielle said...

my favorite thing about you and vegas: when you're so trashed from the free drinks and then all of a sudden win big on the penny slots. you won like $50 bucks. that ruled.

Violet said...

Penny slots? And all these years, I've been wasting my nickels like a high roller. Have a great time, Sarah!

russ said...

I'm a comment whore, I guess, but I followed you over here from Shop Dungarees, and I have to tell you, if you're not counting cards, don't double and 11 against an ace. Not even that wussy ace of clubs. All other advice and observations I thoroughly agree with.

PS Never take insurance

slcup said...

Dammit! If I didn't have to work this weekend, I'd so drive down to Vegas to get drunk with you. Stupid job.
Lucky pink: were you really a Disney princess?

danielle said...

hey russ, will you start a blog? i think that would be fun to read. okay bye.

russ said...

How did you know I'd keep revisiting the comments section to see if anyone responded to me? Or is this totally normal blog behavior and this is how they hook you. "The first hit is free". Plus it's totally unfair to have some Unix chick who likes to cook and was a total seventh grade slut seem actually interested in my bloggy garbage. How's a dork supposed to escape that kind of peer pressure?

Which is to say, maybe.

PS Sorry about the blog-jacking, there, Sarah.

Diane said...

The only reason I dress like a hooker sometimes is so old rich men will give me their money to play with. Then, when he thinks I will "pay" him back, I will run away with the millions. He'll be too old to catch me. My plan almost worked last time we were there, but Sarah put an end to it. Dammit.

Another piece of advice- while you are at the table in the middle of the night, you must scream "doubles all around" in reference to bloody marys with double shots of vodka. While saying it, you must make a circling motion above your head with your finger. It looks hot.

ARM said...

Also, take everything that is handed out on the strip. The girls on those cards are really the ones that come to your room when you call the number. Really. They are. Do it.

John said...

Diane said....
"The only reason I dress like a hooker sometimes is so old rich men will give me their money to play with."

you left off "their balls." at the end.

Matt said... many comments...I'll refrain for now.

Sarah, all these tips...I'm going to need a class on Vegas and gambling before I go. Think about what should be on the syllabus while you're there. The class can include props of, chips, drinks, little balls on spinning wheels, hell I'm sure Diane would even volunteer for the hooker part.

Gordon said...

Wow, I'm so surprised that Diane would be the hooker. Really. I mean that. Okay, I'm totally lying. Why do you think I always call her "hooker" It's not a nickname...geez....

Golightly said...

My friend wrote a “Guide to Vegas” on her blog;

part one:

And part two:

They may come in handy!

Anonymous said...

I'm a dork. I would go to Vegas just to see Elvis impersonators.

~jess~ said...

I'm jealous. I'd love to go to Vegas.

But not to get married. I hate that shit.

BTExpress said...

Gambling is evil, but hookers are good.;)

ARM said...

Ammo Gal - that doesn't make you a dork...Elvis Impersonators there are pretty awesome. We've seen 2.