My first real kiss

I watched a movie the other day where someone was talking about how wonderful their first kiss was, and it got me thinking about my first real kiss and how it was the complete opposite of wonderful. I am going to tell you this story even though it really isn’t that good, but you are going to read it because you are trying to avoid work right now. I want to be a part of that.

Since a very early age, I have always loved boys. My mom said that she knew from the time I was very young that there was no way I was gay. I think what she was really trying to say is "Why the hell is my preschooler a total slut?" I was the little girl who chased boys around and made them kiss me. Then I would tell them I was going to marry them. In kindergarten I used to trick this one little boy, Brian, into kissing me all the time. I would make bets with him that I knew I couldn't lose and say, "Okay if I win, you have to kiss me." He really didn't want to kiss me, yet he never caught on to the game. Man-five year olds are dumb. Except me, obviously.

But my first real kiss (read: tongue action) didn't happen until I was 13. It was with a boy I was "going with". I will call him Lenny. We started going steady the summer after 7th grade. Lenny’s father was my sister’s softball coach that summer, and he used to go watch the games. I thought he was really cute, but I didn’t know him other than his name. He was a year younger than me so we weren’t at the same school yet. The day I first met him, my friend Kori slept over. While I ran upstairs to get food she looked Lenny up in the phone book, called him and said, “Hey-my friend Sarah was the girl at the softball game today. Do you want to go out with her?” He said yes. Seriously what the hell is wrong with 7th graders. That is the lamest way ever to start a relationship.

At any rate Lenny and I lasted for about a month and a half which in junior high years is like…2 months or something. One day I went to Cedar Point with my friends. My friend’s mother drove us home to her house, and Lenny and his friend who I’ll call Billy were waiting there for me. I had about a 10-15 minute walk home, and they wanted to go with me since Billy lived in my neighborhood. They were on their bikes.

The minute we started walking home I knew this was going to be it. I was going to have to kiss him. I was so nervous. I mean, I had kissed boys before but never like THAT. I had a bunch of boyfriends before him, too, but those relationships mostly just consisted of passing notes after science class and giggling when we saw each other in the halls.

At any rate, we got to Billy’s street, and Lenny pulled up next to me on his bicycle. It was go time.

Let me set the scene for you:

- Middle of the afternoon in 85 degree heat and bright sun
- Lenny was on his bike
- I was standing next to him
- We were literally in the middle of the street
- A steady stream of cars were passing us-and honking
- Billy was staring at us saying, “Just come on. Get it over with, Lenny. My mom said I have to be home by 4.”
- I was wearing a Bart Simpson tank top

In a word: magical

I took a deep breath and dove in. When it was over I yelled, “Bye!” and ran home like a total loser. I had so many emotions. I was excited that it was over with but I was also a little disappointed. Why didn’t I get goosebumps? Was it supposed to be that slobbery? How come Billy wouldn’t go away? Was that Mr. Martin that drove by and honked right as it was happening?

About 10 minutes after I got home Lenny called me to ask me “how it was”. (It was clearly his first kiss, too). I replied that it was very “public”. Then Billy yelled in the background, “She had her eyes open the whole time!” Then I said, “Two months ago I overheard Billy say that he liked the New Kids on the Block.” That was the last out of Billy.

Eventually I got over the disappointment (next day) and totally made out with Lenny in my driveway. But seriously….what a crappy first kiss. Thank God I didn’t let it deter me from pursuing my dream of becoming a professional whore.