Monday, April 11, 2005

Letters for April 11th

Dear taxi who was parked on the side of the street on St. Clair,
I'm sorry that I got too close to you today and hit you with my side mirror. I realize you were parked and I was moving, and I take full responsibility. If it makes you feel any better my mirror folded like a cheap hooker who just got punched in the stomach (100 points to the person who can tell me what that's from).

Dear people who were driving a crappy white pickup in Lakewood this morning,
If you got cut off because someone in a green SUV turned in front of you, I'm sorry. But seriously slow down when you see me turning in front of you. Don't you know I am late for work?

Dear lady who felt the need to jam herself into the elevator even though it was at full capacity and then when we stopped at my floor, and I said "Excuse me" and you just stared at which floor we were on instead of moving your ass,
Next time you do that--in fact the next time ANYONE does that--I will either a) literally pick you up and move you, b) elbow you in the ribcage or c) all of the above. Don't test me.

Dear Dad,
Happy Birthday! Goddamn you are old. But you still got it. And by "it" I mean the ability to do yardwork thus rendering yourself immobile for the next week and a half because you threw out your back. I love you! Can I borrow $20?

Dear Fat Roll,
We've had some good times. I loved getting drunk at parties and making you talk to people ("Feed me! Feed me!"). I've treasured the hearty laughs we've had in dressing rooms when we tried on clothes that were way too tight. But the time has come for us to part ways. You see, I did some spring cleaning on my closet yesterday, and I realized that every single thing that I tried on would look really good if only you were gone. I'm sorry. I know how much this must hurt. But I also know that someday you'll find someone to be with who really deserves you-like Paris Hilton or Tara Reid. As far as dividing up our stuff, you can take my ass, and I'll keep my boobs. I think that's fair. Thanks for the memories, Fat Roll. You'll be in my heart...but not hanging over my pants.

16 comments:

"AG" said...

The Fat Roll letter is great. I'm in the process of killing mine off through starvation. I tried to ask it to go away nicely but it's a stubborn thing.

Pirate said...

You are so cold when it comes to us fat rolls. We're there jiggling at every laugh and every cry. we're there every time a cop beats up a guy (wrong place that's Tom Joad) we're there when its cold. We're there when all the guys aren't. we're there when you need a place to put a late night snack, a bowl of ice cream and piece of cheese cake. We're there baby and what do you want to do to us now? fine we'll just find some other depressed person to hang around.

jess. said...

I love these posts.

The one about the lady in the elevator was great. God I hate those people.

Johnny Virgil said...

fat roll, do not be looking at me. I will not host you.

Oh, that girl. said...

Helarious! I must link! I must. The fat roll is by far the best one!

Hoagie1 said...

I would imagine the expenisve hookers foldup easier. They are not as used to the rough abuse as cheap hookers are. Sorry cheap hookers just don't value themsleves. They don't realize that men are willing to pay more.

ORF said...

Just so you know, Sarah, we are decidedly NOT hiring any fat rolls in New York City. With that in mind, I think it should head west to LA to seek out Tara Reid instead of Paris Hilton.

danielle said...

holy shit. you hit a parked car. you are the greatest human being to have ever driven the earth.

Alisa said...

Tell your fat roll that it can be my fat roll's roommate. She's getting kicked out and isn't used to living on her own.

ARM said...

These are hilarious! I like the letter to the lady in the elevator...I have to deal with idiots like this daily. God!

Oh, and the fat roll can't come visit me, because I just recently sent her cousin packing, thank you very much. It took 7 months and I don't want any of the "family" to come visit. thanks...

Golightly said...

Fat Roll is the best. I need to tell my thunder thighs the same thing

Anonymous said...

Trying to earn 100 points...Joey Tibianni from Friends.

Anonymous said...

By the way, Tibianni = Tribianni.

Sarah said...

Well done, Anonymous! You get 100 points. Don't spend it all in one place!

John said...

by a fat guy with sores on his face

Sarah said...

Thank you, John-I knew I was missing part of it!