Apologies

To Erin and Neal:
I'm sorry I had to leave your wedding early. Thank you so much for inviting me and for having the first wedding I've ever attended where the groom pulled up on a horse while being led by a group of dancing people and a minivan blasting Indian music. That...was...awesome.

To the people who live across the street from me:
I apologize on behalf of the guy who lives 6 houses down from you and walked out of his house with his old couch and took it down and threw it in front of your house for the garbagemen to pick up. While I think that guy is totally fucking awesome, I can appreciate why you may not share my opinion. I'm also sorry if you heard/saw me laughing my ass off. It's just that that was really effing funny.

To the Kenilworth bar:
I'm sorry you can't afford to put in a paper towel dispenser or hand dryer in your bathrooms, but you seriously need to upgrade. As much as I love rubbing bacteria all over my hands, it's time to get rid of that cloth towel roll that goes round and round and hasn't been washed since '84.

To my weirdo-possibly retarded-neighbor who dances to 1970's Lite Rock on her front porch every night in the summer:
I'm sorry you're mildly retarded and don't get the point of Memorial Day as evidenced by the fact that when you saw me today you yelled very cheerfully, "Happy Memorial Day!!!"

To Shannon:
I'm sorry I told you I wanted to hang you from my rearview mirror. But your hair did smell really awesome.

To my new downstairs neighbor:
I'm sorry I smoke all the time and smell up the entire house. Oh wait--that's you. Well then let me apologize in advance for tearing off all the political statement bumper stickers on your car and putting on ones that say stuff like "My other ride is your mom!".