Sunday, May 22, 2005

Letters for May 22, 2005

Dear Ricardo's Laundromat,
Sorry if I broke your washer. When I came back in after buying magazines at Medic and saw that it was literally moving itself across the entire room, I was a little embarrassed. But then I read your sign on the wall that said, "Welcome to Ricardo's Laundromat. So clean your pants do a dance" and realized that maybe you guys are the ones who should be embarrassed.

Dear Becky aka Boobs McGee,
I am not someone who normally branches out into the opposite side of the playing field, but when you accepted the challenge inadvertently laid down by Kim and unhooked my bra...one-handed...in the middle of a crowded bar on Saturday, well I wasn't nearly as freaked out as I'd have assumed I would be if I ever found myself in that situation. I also want to say that I'm very impressed that you were able to do that given the liters upon liters of alcohol that were coursing through your veins. I mean, it did take you a good 15 minutes, and most people thought we were slow dancing, but still-good job.

Dear Gordo and Drew,
I could go on and on about how Kim and I OWNED YOUR ASSES in Bocce ball and how you ended up having absolutely NO POINTS. Or I could point out for all my readers how Diane and I SCHOOLED YOU at Euchre a mere 45 or so minutes later. I mean I could tell everyone how much you were both totally our bitches-and namely mine since I was on both teams that BEAT YOU SENSELESS. But I am above that kind of shameless flaunting.

Dear women who breastfeed,
Some of you protested last week for your right to breastfeed in public, for example, in the middle of Wal-Mart. As a woman who believes in the merits of breastfeeding, I would just like to say fucking stop doing it in the middle of Wal-Mart. Sorry, but nobody wants to see that. Yes, I am a female and so it seems I should be on your side, but yeah no. I'm not. I have heard giving birth is a less than modest experience, and you sort of stop caring who sees what. I don't doubt that is true. But the thing is-the rest of the world was not in the delivery room with you, so for us seeing your body parts isn't "business as usual". Your argument is that it is a natural fact of life. I agree. So is going to the bathroom, but you don't see me pulling my pants down in the middle of the greeting card aisle and dropping a deucer (sorry for the visual, everyone). Anywho, ladies, if you're going to whip out a ta-ta in public, get a blanket and cover that shit. Then we'll all be fine.

7 comments:

ARM said...

OMG I am so not OK with breastfeeding in public either! I agree it's natural and blah, blah, blah, but like you said, so is taking a shit. For the love!

"AG" said...

I think breastfeeding in private is also vile. I never ever want my boobs sucked for milk. In fact, the thought of me producing milk is creepy. So yeah, I don't want to see it, either.*

*I know I'm not wired right.

Gordon said...

I'm never playing anything that involves keeping score w/ you ever again.

danielle said...

yep, roger that on the b-feeds.

russ said...

15min? I can beat that time... handily. Heh. Handily.

Johnny Virgil said...

The weirdest thing I ever witnessed in the Bf department was when we were at someone's house and they had a new baby -- a different baby started crying and this woman starts shooting milk through her shirt in some sort of involuntary reflex response to the crying. It was to strange for words. It was like her boobs were responding with "Hey! Over here! Getcher suck on right here!"

spaceface said...

Whoa...
I have a friend named Boobs McGee too...Weird...what are the odds?