Letters for May 22, 2005

Dear Ricardo's Laundromat,
Sorry if I broke your washer. When I came back in after buying magazines at Medic and saw that it was literally moving itself across the entire room, I was a little embarrassed. But then I read your sign on the wall that said, "Welcome to Ricardo's Laundromat. So clean your pants do a dance" and realized that maybe you guys are the ones who should be embarrassed.

Dear Becky aka Boobs McGee,
I am not someone who normally branches out into the opposite side of the playing field, but when you accepted the challenge inadvertently laid down by Kim and unhooked my bra...one-handed...in the middle of a crowded bar on Saturday, well I wasn't nearly as freaked out as I'd have assumed I would be if I ever found myself in that situation. I also want to say that I'm very impressed that you were able to do that given the liters upon liters of alcohol that were coursing through your veins. I mean, it did take you a good 15 minutes, and most people thought we were slow dancing, but still-good job.

Dear Gordo and Drew,
I could go on and on about how Kim and I OWNED YOUR ASSES in Bocce ball and how you ended up having absolutely NO POINTS. Or I could point out for all my readers how Diane and I SCHOOLED YOU at Euchre a mere 45 or so minutes later. I mean I could tell everyone how much you were both totally our bitches-and namely mine since I was on both teams that BEAT YOU SENSELESS. But I am above that kind of shameless flaunting.

Dear women who breastfeed,
Some of you protested last week for your right to breastfeed in public, for example, in the middle of Wal-Mart. As a woman who believes in the merits of breastfeeding, I would just like to say fucking stop doing it in the middle of Wal-Mart. Sorry, but nobody wants to see that. Yes, I am a female and so it seems I should be on your side, but yeah no. I'm not. I have heard giving birth is a less than modest experience, and you sort of stop caring who sees what. I don't doubt that is true. But the thing is-the rest of the world was not in the delivery room with you, so for us seeing your body parts isn't "business as usual". Your argument is that it is a natural fact of life. I agree. So is going to the bathroom, but you don't see me pulling my pants down in the middle of the greeting card aisle and dropping a deucer (sorry for the visual, everyone). Anywho, ladies, if you're going to whip out a ta-ta in public, get a blanket and cover that shit. Then we'll all be fine.