Friday, May 06, 2005

Letters for May 6th

Vegas letters

Dear Las Vegas,
I heart you so much. Even though you take my money and make me fat, I would marry you if it was legal to marry a city. Incidentally, if it was legal I think B would marry Baltimore. But I digress. Thanks for an awesome vacation, and I think I will be back in the fall with some friends who are total hors so expect some outrageous times.

Dear skin,
I appreciate that for the most part you tan very easily. But what is up with the sun poisoning? Why can't I lay out for more than 2 days without looking like a leper? I know, I know-tanning is very bad for you. That is why I only do it a couple times a year on vacation. All I'm saying is I would appreciate it if maybe once I could leave a swimming pool without a rash. It does help attract attention from the opposite sex, but not the kind of attention I had in mind. If I wanted to see looks of horror, mouths agape, feverish whispering amongst friends, I would show everyone my Fat Roll. Why can't you just be normal damn you.

Dear Las Vegas Airport,
What the eff was up with that alarm? At first I thought you were warning us of a fire. Then I looked at the alarm itself and saw a picture of a man running. Then I pooped my pants. Your staff didn't make me feel any more secure after I watched three airport employees have this conversation over and over for about 20 minutes as the alarm was going off:

Man: They said it's a false alarm.
Woman #1: Dave just said it was a security alert.
Man: A false one, though.
Woman #2: No-a real breach.
Man: Well that's not what I heard.
Woman #1: They might shut down this terminal. Call Dave. See if it's real.
Man: Okay.
Voice on man's walkie talkie: It's a false alarm.
Voice on woman's walkie talkie: We have a security breach. Stand by for instruction.

Goddammit, people. Twenty minutes ago you searched a 90 year old grandmother for weapons, and you can't figure out whether this 400 million decibel alarm is real or not? Get it together! I almost started punching out people who looked suspicious just so you guys would turn it off. Let's tighten up our operations, LV Airport, shall we?

Dear Continental Airlines,
What the hell was that that you served me? Yes I heard the flight attendant call it a hamburger, and I saw on the package it was called beef charbroil, but who are you trying to kid? I am a hamburger connoisseur, and that was not beef, my friend. And now every time I think about that sandwich, I gag. Also who's idea was it to play "Are We There Yet?" as the in-flight movie? Does Ice Cube own stock in your company or something? I knew it would be bad news when in the first 5 minutes his bobble head doll started talking to him. Every time I think about that movie, I gag.

Non-Vegas letters

Dear people who call for Dwayne or Paul,
This is not their number anymore. Stop calling me and certainly don't get bitchy on my answering machine because you "expect the courtesy of a return phone call". And if I answer: no I don't have a forwarding number for either of these people because I don't know who they are, and I don't care where they moved to and quit asking me questions as if I am related to them. I will cut you.

Dear Dwayne and Paul,
Next time you change your phone number effing tell people-especially people who are calling to RESCHEDULE YOUR HEART SURGERY, PAUL!!!! They might actually need to reach you whereas I don't want them to reach me anymore.

Dear Tom Cruise,
I don't even know what to say. You need to accept that you are aging. Dating a younger girl every couple of birthdays only makes you creepy. It'd be different (a little bit) if as you got older you dated girls in the same age range, but your girls keep getting younger. In 2 years you'll be dating Hilary Duff, and when you are 60 you will be dating an 11 year old Disney star. I know you think this makes you relatable and more marketable to the younger kids, but really they're all like, "Why is Katie Holmes dating that old guy from the samurai movie?" It's just sad.

Dear Katie Holmes,
Listen I know that right now all that is going through your mind is, "Holy shit I'm dating Maverick." And I will give you props for actually landing him. But, Katie? Tom is like Maverick's dad now. Please don't let this go on for very long. You can only quote "Top Gun" so many times until you run out of things to talk about.

Peace and love except for Tom and Katie cuz that's just wrong,


Tigerlily said...

"Holy shit I'm dating Maverick."
I knew I waited for a reason. You really are the wind beneath my wings. Excellent synopsis. Can you tell Dr. Joe to tell his friends that he changed his phone number too? I know I sound like a 50 year-old cardiologist, but let's get real, I don't think ol Dr Joe has the Cure playing on his voicemail.

Erik with a K said...

Holy Fuck, my personal favorite (note, it's been 9 months (!) that i've had this phone number for "Scott McDeadbeatDonald" - his true name btw...

So a collector or someone calls the other night, they ask for Scott Mcdonald, i say who is this, because your crappy company called me yesterday and i told them he hasn't had this number in 8 months. The woman's voice says, "Well who is this." So I said, "No, who is this?" and she said "No, who is THIS?" and i screamed, "What the fuck is your name so i can tell your manager that your wasting your companies time by having you talk to someone who's already given you the courtesy that the deadbeat has nothing to do with this phone number?" and she said, "I'm the manager." to which i replied, "BULLSHIT." After more witty banter like this she got it through her thick fucking skull that guess what, I'm not Scott McDonald and he never lived with me. So then she starts in with, Well you should have been nicer about it. To which i reply, "Ahhhh cocktoes! I was nice about it yesterday you retarded skip-tracing moron." Goddamn, did she waste a lot of time getting absolutely nothing.

I need a scotch.

So glad you're back Sarah!! We had no hot Sparah around either to make up for it. You did miss a good Happy Hour yesterday though...

Gordon said...

Ridiculous.....absolutely hilarious. Everytime I think my blog migh be semi entertaining, you come back from Vegas and make me look like I'm writing children's books.....

Golightly said...

whoo hoo! Glad you are back, I thought I was going through some rough detox.
glad you had fun in sin city. I'd probably eat more than gamble as well

Johnny Virgil said...

So if I understand what you're saying, you wouldn't date Tom Cruise because he's too old for you?

By the way, Paul died. It's all your fault, too.

ARM said...

I missed your letters!

Johnny Virgil said...

ps - I saw this and figured you and danielle could be modern-day disciples:

Deity of the Day for Friday 6 May 2005

HORUS - from Egyptian Mythology

The falcon-headed Sky God from Egypt. That's more like it. His eyes are the sun and the moon, so he must be a bit starry-eyed. You've heard of the Eye of HORUS, haven't you?

Son of ISIS and OSIRIS, he fought SET tooth and nail to avenge his father's murder, and was eventually declared the winner on points in round 80. (See MIN's entry if you want to read some of the nastier details.)

During the battle his moon eye was poked out, but he got it back afterwards and generously donated it to his shadowy undead father. We reckon this could be why the moon is always a little unreal and spooky.

HORUS also had four dead helpful sons called (imaginatively) the SONS-OF-HORUS.

Sarah said...

JV, don't get me wrong. Tom Cruise is still pretty hot--for a midget, that is. Give me the Tom Cruise from "A Few Good Men", and I will have his babies right here, right now. But the current Tom Cruise? I wouldn't date him because it would freak me out that he wanted to date me. It's so obvious that he's dating Joey Potter (Katie) because he is desperate to appear younger, and that saddens me. I want him to grow old gracefully and become a totally hot old guy a la Richard Gere or Mel Gibson.

Although I'm not saying if he called me up right now I wouldn't fly to Rome with him, but date him? No-I'd just be in it so I could say, "Take me to bed or lose me forever!" and then play "Take My Breath Away" while we made out.

Johnny Virgil said...

Maybe he's not trying to appear younger. Maybe he just likes firm boobies.

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

Glad to hear you had a fun time out West.

"But, Katie? Tom is like Maverick's dad now"

I snorted. Good one.

Maggie said...

Sh*t Sarah! I totally heart you!!! Thats a worry.. cos Im not even gay! I gotta get a life (and so does Katie Holmes!!)
Glad you had such a great holiday..Im going to Hong Kong soon.. cheap shopping! x

Anonymous said...

"I feel the need, the need for speed!"
Glad you're back!

~jess~ said...

I love those letters. And I would also like you to let everyone know that Melanie and Brent don't live here anymore! Stop calling for them. I understand that they need their teeth cleaned but it's not my problem.

Thank you for the fabulous post. And welcome back - I missed you.

John said...

I like firm boobies. Also people call here asking for John. Assholes.

Violet said...

I'm so happy you're back! I love your plan for helping out at the LV airport! You should totally fight terrorism.

slcup said...

So you don't think I copied you, I wrote my take on T & K before reading your comments. Creepy that we both referenced little people - we're so totally BFF!