New Orleans

I am leaving for New Orleans in the morning. I just really wanted to visit a place that seems to be in the path of every single hurricane. Actually Shannon has a conference there this week that ends tomorrow so a bunch of us are going down there to meet up with her and explore the drinks, I mean, city.

I've never been there before, but I have heard from numerous sources that it is a really fun and exciting place. Plus I think it's where "Girls Gone Wild" gets most of their material so it can't be all bad.

I actually think it will be good for my diet since it is about 100 degrees there and 7,000% humidity. The weight should, quite literally, just melt right off.

Another interesting tidbit about New Orleans: it's below sea level so all the bodies in the cemeteries are above ground. So currently the image I have in my head of New Orleans is like at the end of Poltergeist where all the caskets/corpses are coming up through the floor and the swimming pool (holy crap-remember the swimming pool part!?), and while the bodies are coming up through the ground they are throwing beads at college girls who are lifting their tops. It's an interesting image.

I hope everyone has a great weekend, and I'm sure I'll have some stories for you when I get back. Hopefully none of them will be about me getting stuck in a swimming pool with a bunch of corpses.

The Army wants to know my turn ons

I got tagged by Erik Holtan who is vacationing with the Army in Iraq--you know they're just taking it easy there, getting some sun-nothing too stressful. Anyway, I thought the least I could do is play along especially after he called this blog "holy ground". Hey-anybody who can comment on a post about my boobs being too low and call it holy ground is a-okay with me. I also feel that playing this game would count as me doing my part for my country. I'm just saying posting about my Turn ons and Turn offs is almost the same as going overseas and risking your life to fight for our country and to protect the basic human rights of all mankind.

Turn ons:
1. Stained wife beaters
2. Addiction to alcohol
3. Gingivitis
4. 5th grade reading level

Just kidding. Dammit, you guys-can't you ever be serious? Here we go for real...

Turn ons:
1. Pulse
2. Possessing male genitalia
3. Regularly practicing personal hygiene
4. Able to cook more than macaroni and cheese (which is where my skills top out)
5. Cat hater
6. Salt & Vinegar Pringles-as in buying me some
7. Not moving to another city while we are dating

Turn offs:
1. Having a wife
2. Refusal to drink alcohol
3. Cat lover
4. Not thinking Will Ferrell and Conan O'Brien are funny
5. Using more hair/face/body products than me
6. Smelling like you soiled your underpants
7. Soiling your underpants
8. Third eye
9. Throwing like a girl
10. Goiters

I just don't think I'm that hard to please, people. I mean, Gordo, all you have to do to date me is bring me S&V Pringles and cover up that third eye. Okay I'm tagging Gordo and Johnny Virgil.

To Erik and friends in Iraq: you guys rule. We're all thinking about you and praying you stay safe. I hope people are sending you enough S&V Pringles to keep you strong. Thanks for reading!

I need support

While I was shopping for strapless bras last week I was reminded of an incident that happened last year at a local bridal shop. I was a bridesmaid in my friend Suz's wedding, and I was going in for my final fitting. I brought my strapless bra as you are supposed to do so that the seamstress can make sure everything looks exactly how it will look on the wedding day.

I walked out in the dress, and besides my initial complete and utter horror at the width of my hips, it looked okay. Suddenly from across the room the seamstress-a little mean Korean lady-started saying, "No. No." I look at her confused. She ran over to me, cupped her hands under my boobs and said, "Too low." Then she lifted them and said, "Should be here. Not here." and dropped them again. This lifting and lowering happened a couple more times while she shook her head disapprovingly, and I fought back tears to say, "Well this is...just...where they are."

She ran over to a dresser and started sorting through the drawer. "You wear wrong bra. What size you are?" I told her, and she pulled out one of those corset restrict your lungs so you suffocate on the altar type bras. I tried it on and walked out and she said, "See? See? Up here." I replied, "Actually I can't see. The lack of oxygen to my brain has caused everything to go black." I politely told her I would not be needing her death bra and changed back into my own. Note: by "politely told her" I mean I said, "Are you fucking kidding me? You couldn't pay me enough to wear this thing."

For the next 10 minutes I had to listen to her talk in broken English about how they were just too low and didn't look normal. For the next week or so I made all my friends stare at them and give me their honest opinion. "Are these too low?" I bet you guys wish you were around for that. Free stare at the ladies! Well, I know Steph at least wishes she was around.

Man I hate that Korean lady. If she were here I would smack her around with my low hanging chest.

Congratulations, Paul and Jen!

This weekend my friends Paul and Jen got married. It was an awesome wedding. Beforehand all the ladies had decided to try and keep it semi-respectable at the reception. That lasted roughly 30 seconds, and then someone took a pic of Steph's cleavage at the dinner table. At that point all bets were off. And just so Steph doesn't think I am singling her out, I'm pretty sure there are at least 2 pictures of my cleavage floating around somewhere. I mean just from Saturday-not in total. In total there are…well who knows how many. I have a drinking problem.

I'll quickly sum up the wedding. Number of…

Penises seen: 2
Men's shirts unbuttoned (by me): 7
Cranberry and vodkas drank (by me): lost count around 7
Pizzas ordered at 2am: 4
Girls Gordo made out with: 3
Times Gordo puked: Greater than or equal to 1
Giant speakers I almost knocked over: 1
Mints and toothpicks Jace stole from the hotel bar: approximately 300
Mints that ended up in my bra: approximately 15-20
Mints from my bra that Matt ate: 3
Times Kim got hit on: 7,453
Advil I took today: 7

All in all a fantastic wedding with fantastic stories. Some I can't write here because my mom reads this blog. Just kidding, Mom, I'll tell you later.

To Jen and Paul: good luck you guys! I hope you have a lifetime of happiness and that you take care of each other always and that Paul recovered from what had to be the most massive hangover known to man.

To my friends: you guys are awesome. I had an absolute blast hanging out with you guys. Thanks for being so sweet and caring and so much effing fun it's ridiculous. I love you guys. You're all hot.

And to the front desk lady who told us how to get to the IHOP this morning: may I just say you are an exceptional moron. There is no IHOP. I doubt there ever was one. But thanks a lot for the map that led us to the EMPTY FUCKING PARKING LOT. Much appreciated. It served great pancakes.

P.S. Some of the wedding guests were people who, shall we say, take life a little too seriously. Career is everything, having fun is irresponsible, heart attack at 28 years old, etc. You know the type—the ones who hate me. During a conversation about these people, Gerbs passed down his philosophy to us, and I want to pass it on to you because it is, in a word, awesome. He said, "You know, life is pretty much worthless if happy hour prices don't mean anything to you."

Amen, Gerbs. Amen.

Interviewing

We are hiring someone in our department, and my manager wants me to participate in the interviewing process. After he interviews them, I interview them. Here is the thing: I am a horrible, horrible interviewer. To the interviewee, I'm a dream because I basically ask no questions. To the company I'm interviewing for, I am useless because I get no information about the candidate other than determining, in my professional opinion, whether or not they might appreciate bathroom humor.

My manager gave me a list of questions, but I am just not the type of person who can say stuff like, "Tell me about a situation where you needed to motivate people on a team you were on. What did you do? How did you get people to listen?" without laughing or feeling like a complete asshole.

Here is how a typical interview with me goes:

Me (in jeans and flip flops b/c my manager is gone today and I forgot I had to interview someone): Hi I'm Sarah. Thanks for coming in today.

Interviewee: Thanks a lot for seeing me.

Me: So tell me about the job you're doing now (or tell me about your last job).

Int: Blah blah blah responsibilities blah blah synergies blah blah develop skills, etc.

Me: That's great! What kind of technical experience do you have?

Int: Blah blah html blah blah photoshop blah blah quick learner.

Me: That's awesome!

Long, uncomfortable pause

Me: Um...so let me tell you about the position. Blah blah oversee processes blah blah.

Another uncomfortable pause-interviewee is staring at me

Int: Well what is it that you do?

Me: Oh my responsibilities are to blah blah blogging blah blah slacker blah blah internet porn.

Another pause, more staring

Me: So....did you like college?

Int (if it's a cool interviewee): Yeah it was a blast. I wish I could go back.
Int (if it's a sucky interviewee): I enjoyed the campus, but the class curriculum wasn't rigorous enough for me. Although I did feel that I gained important real world experience that will really help me in my professional career.

Me (thinking, after cool interviewee response): Awesome-this guy's a drinker.
Me (thinking, after sucky interviewee response): Loser.

Ridiculously, neverending horrible pause where no one is talking and I am stuttering things like, "don't know what else to ask", "resume is nice", etc.

Me: Um...well...do you have any questions for me?

Int: So how did you end up working here?

Int: What's your job history?

Int: What did you major in?

Int: What are your career goals?

And just like that I am suddenly the one being interviewed. What the hell is wrong with me?

Thanks, you guys

I just want to thank everyone for their kind comments regarding the recent vacancy of my speed dial #2. You guys are so awesome. I have decided I will put all of you in the #2 spot now.

Oh and Van, are you stalking me? Because that would be super. Just kidding-I would love for your piece to be on me.

There are a lot of things going on that we need to talk about-like the new Supreme Court Justice nominee. Fortunately, I don't know anything about that so we get to talk about Jude Law.

He cheated on his fiance 3 months after getting engaged to her and apparently-according to my sources (E! Online)-did it with more than one person. This is shocking to me. Oh not the cheating part-come on he's famous and has a penis. I am shocked that he actually found more girls to sleep with him. He must throw money at them or something. There's no other explanation for why more than zero women would willingly sleep with one of the most unappealing-and effeminate-men in history. I hope his fiance leaves him.

I know some of you disagree with me about him, but have you seen this picture? Nothing about it is okay.

Speed dial #2 is empty

Nearly 8 months after being abandoned by the love of my life, I was able to delete him from my speed dial. This is a big day, folks. Countless times since he left I have gone to delete him and couldn't do it.

But last night I had a dream that I kept calling him, and he wouldn't answer and finally some girl answered, and she was like, "Stop calling here. You're not his girlfriend anymore-I am." I woke up so ridiculously upset that I realized I was still holding on.

So I decided to start taking the necessary steps to move on rather than pretending that all of this was temporary and that he would be back someday. Step one was to delete him off of speed dial. I know-not a huge step, but it was hard, and I did it. Now I think you guys should do it, too. Go ahead-delete B off of your speed dial. Don't cry, Internet, we will get through this together.

I think our next step should be to get raging drunk and have sex with hot, mysterious strangers. Or just semi-goodlooking, rather mundane strangers. Or maybe even people we know who are kind of ugly. I think the third step is to join Scientology so we better start randomly diagnosing and prescribing treatment for people with mental health problems. And by "treatment" I mean "vitamins" because apparently a Flintstone vitamin a day will keep the manic depression away.

Wedding advice

My friends Gerbs and Shannon got engaged this weekend. I am so happy for them, and I can tell you that their wedding is going to be effing awesome. However, I am inclined to offer up some advice to them and to anyone else planning a wedding that will make the occasion even more enjoyable--well, for me anyway, and I'm really the most important guest at any wedding.

1. Two words: open bar.

2. Include some form of potatoes in the dinner.

3. To the bride and groom specifically: DANCE!!! Make sure you give yourself time to get out on the dance floor with my drunk ass and dance with me.

4. Don't do the bouquet toss. And if you do, don't expect me to get up there because I will be hiding at the bar and will have moved one of my rings to my left ring finger so as to fool people who don't know me into thinking I'm married. DO NOT under any circumstances call me up there via microphone. I will never talk to you again.

5. Do not do the train. I will hurt anyone who starts the train. Also I will hurt anyone who grabs me and tries to pull me into the train. This is not a joke--it is a warning.

6. Play Def Leppard.

Fantastic Four

We went to see "The Fantastic Four" tonight. I really liked it. The guy who plays the Human Torch is completely scorching-and that is not a pun. He is ridiculously gorgeous.

After the movie, Paul asked us, "If you could be any one of the four, who would you be?" Of course I couldn't answer right off the cuff. I needed time to think about it, weigh the pros and cons, look at it from all the angles, blog about it.

Superhero: The Invisible Girl
Power: Can turn invisible and create force fields
Advantages: Can sneak into anywhere and spy on people, can seriously scare the crap out of people you hate, when some a-hole tries to cut you off on the road you can put a force field around him so he can't go anywhere.
Disadvantages: If you take your clothes off to be completely invisible and then suddenly you're not, people will see you naked.

Superhero: The Thing
Power: Super strong rock creature
Advantages: Strongest m-effer ever, nobody can really hurt you, if some jammer parks so close to you in the parking garage that you need an effing can opener to get your car out you can just pick up your car to get it out and then effing destroy the jammer's car. Not that I would ever do that-I'm just saying.
Disadvantages: You're covered in rock 24/7, you can no longer sneak up on people, all your friends would constantly ask you to help them move.

Superhero: Mr. Fantastic
Power: Can stretch his body almost as if it's rubber
Advantages: Definite sexual advantages if ya know what I mean and I think you do, ability to grab a beer from the fridge without getting off the couch, can reach stuff on the top shelves, can tap people on the shoulder from far away and then watch them turn around and try to figure out who tapped them.
Disadvantages: It looks pretty gross.

Superhero: The Human Torch
Power: Ability to control fire including covering his whole (beautiful) body in flames. Oh and he can fly.
Advantages: YOU CAN CONTROL FIRE!! AND FLY!!!
Disadvantages: Definitely does not bring with it any sexual advantages—more like sexual concerns.

After all this careful analysis, I would say that I would probably choose to be the Invisible Girl. Because the simple truth is I'd be invisible, and that's awesome.

And the winner is...

I have decided that people should be giving me more awards. I haven't won any in a really long time. I'm not talking a Nobel Peace Prize or anything, but could we at least throw a Daytime Emmy my way? Come on-it's not like I'm asking for a lot. Daytime Emmys aren't even that important.

In 8th grade I won "Most Dedicated" in band. I mean let's face it-that's a pretty sexy award. But it only got me laid for another year or so then we went to high school, and it's like everybody forgot just how dedicated to band I really was.

In high school, I totally lost Homecoming Queen which is crap. I think part of it had to do with the fact that I was not nominated*. In the Super Senior Awards in high school, I was nominated for Most Musical-another sexy award. But I lost it to Andrea Novak. I had to do my fake "I'm so happy for her" face since all eyes were on me (Note: in this case, by "all eyes were on me" I mean that all of my friend Jenny's eyes were on me. Not to make it sound like she has seven eyes or anything. She has the standard issue pair of eyes.)

At the same award ceremony, my high school boyfriend and I won "Romeo and Juliet" which served as a fairly accurate prediction of how our relationship would end up since we are still together today even though we haven't seen each other in years, we have dated other people, and he is now married and has a baby.

That is the last time I have won an award, people. Some people say that receiving gift cards and bonuses at work count as awards. But my pay stub highlighting the slight increase in pay that week doesn't look that great in my trophy case.

Okay I'm putting it to you guys to get me an award of some kind. Maybe a Heisman or something. Ooh or a Grammy!! Could you guys get me a Grammy? That would be great. Thanks.

* By the way, they frown upon it when you try to take part in the parade as a nominee if you really aren't one.

Please don't step on it

I couldn't fall asleep last night so I started watching "Kill Bill: Vol. 2". Then I saw Uma Thurman cut out Daryl Hannah's eyeball, drop it on the ground and begin to step on it (I changed the channel before any squishing took place).

Now I will never sleep again. Also I can't walk without looking down on the ground for eyeballs. You know-just in case someone lost one. This has seriously disrupted my work. And by "my work" I mean "my blogging".

Writer's block

I can't think of anything to post about tonight. Only three things are running through my head at this time:

1. iTunes should be cheaper. It's pretty effing awesome, but they really take your money right out of your ass, don't they?

2. Hilary Duff rules.

3. I saw this bumper sticker today, and it pissed me off:

Fight prime time...read a book.

This is troublesome. What the hell kind of message are we sending to our youth today? Come on, America. We need to be more responsible than that.

Sorry this post sucks. Ah-you guys are fine. You'll read anything as long as it's not work-related. Bunch of slackers (aka "my kind of people").

P.S. You guys should buy art from this guy. I did on Saturday, and it's awesome.

I am posting this from home

After my shitty day on Wednesday, Saturday was the best day ever. Here's why:

1. I got Internet. It is so effing fast, I just want to cry. I immediately spent $900,000 at OldNavy.com so I think someone should now take the Internet access away from me. I am not responsible enough to have it.

2. I got cable. Every television in my house has been on since the minute I got it. I channel surf just to delight in how many channels I have. Today I watched a Disney movie called "My Date With the President's Daughter". That's how starved for cable I have been. How in the hell did I go 3 weeks without HGTV? They say you always find out what you're really made of while in a harrowing or desperate situation*. It turns out I am much stronger than I thought I was.

3. I got my mail. I requested my mail be forwarded from my old address starting June 20th. I haven't gotten any mail until yesterday. In among the 47 overdue bills and a wedding invitation for which I missed the RSVP date, I found a note from the mail carrier that said: "Your mail is being delivered to Box #12." I'm posting this message here in hopes that somebody will have their USPS decoder ring on them to help me figure out what this means. Because I have no effing clue.

4. I left my credit card at a bar downtown. Oh wait-nothing good about this except that now I can't buy more stuff on the Internet.

*Absence of HGTV definitely qualifies as harrowing and desperate.

To the people of London

I'm sorry this was brought to your doorstep. We're all thinking of you and sending you much love. Stay strong.

P.S. Tell Gwyneth I said 'hi'.

Blow out

I have discovered a great way to de-stress after a long, hard day: blow out one of your tires 5 minutes away from your house. It is so much fun and not at all inconvenient. I tried this last night, and I was never more relaxed or pleasant to be around. I actually got lucky because my spare tire is located underneath my car so rather than just lifting up the bottom of my trunk and taking out the tire, I got to unscrew the longest bolt ever created on planet Earth for a good 15 minutes before my tire plummeted to the ground. Then I got to crawl down on the ground-which was pretty clean except for all the dirt and grease-in my work clothes and pull it out. Luckily tires are lightweight-I mean, you know, compared to the actual car itself.

I'm pretty sure my dad was happy to come and help instead of going home to his wife and eating dinner and relaxing. I can tell he appreciated the sudden change in plans. Thankfully we got it changed and headed to Sears where we met a terrifically helpful guy who couldn't help us at all.
I'm telling you-if you ever get the chance, you should try this out. It is too much fun.

A for real letter to Yunus, the manager at NTB (National Tire and Battery) in Middleburg Heights,
Thank you for explaining why the tread on the tires of an all wheel drive SUV have to be the same and for offering an alternate solution since apparently the tires that came with the car are good but not available for purchase in the entire continent. And extra thank you for staying late AFTER YOU WERE CLOSED to fix it for me. Same goes to Tim who actually did the work. You guys are my new best friends, and I will have your babies if you wish.

Love,
Sarah

Strip sleaze

I have never been someone who has enjoyed male strippers. I like men very, very much. But

a) perfect bodies freak me out a little bit because seriously get a hobby besides going to the gym*,
b) boys who are good dancers freak me out (sorry, Paul),
c) only girls should be able to...gyrate...that way,
d) most male strippers are just not good looking, and
e) don't touch me with your junk. I don't know you.

All of these things apply to the stripper who came to the bachelorette party I was at on Saturday. After his performance, I need to add another item to my list:

f) most male strippers are gay

Ours certainly was. I'm not sure who he was trying to kid, but it wasn't working.

I don't know if any of you have been to a party where a stripper came, but it is surreal. He walked in dressed very nice in something any one of my male friends would wear to work. He was very polite, asked who everyone was and introduced himself. It was like the beginning of a business meeting where he kind of went over the agenda: "Okay first I'm going to have the bachelorette sit in this chair in the middle of the room. Then I want the rest of you ladies to put money all over her. Then I will remove the money using my teeth. After that lunch will be served in the conference room." It was strange.

Suddenly he walked over to his boombox, and pressed play. He was still talking politely and laughing at Jen's (the bachelorette) nervousness then he just started dancing. And not like nasty stripper dancing. No, no-at first it was like he was at a dance club up on stage and he was just feeling the music. Then, of course, he stuck his head in her lap and started pulling dollar bills out of her garter belt. And it all went downhill from there.

Highlights:
- Lewis (that's what I'm calling him) wore combat boots. He took them off, then took his pants off, then PUT THE BOOTS BACK ON. Yes, he danced around in his underwear and combat boots.

- We were drinking our cocktails through straws with penises on them. We asked Lewis if he wanted one, and he said, "I don't...touch penises." Then we all started laughing hysterically. I wish you weren't a liar, Lewis.

- The groom's sister bit Lewis on the ass and made him fall.

- Lewis made Jen take his belt off with her teeth. Before she would do it she asked him if she could get herpes from it.

- Lewis had a g-string on underneath his underwear.

- Lewis either stuffed or had elephantitis of the balls. I'm sorry, but seriously, Lewis, do something about that. The worst view was if you were stuck looking at him from behind. Elephant balls just hanging in between his legs. I still have nightmares. Now you will, too.

- Lewis rubbed himself all over everybody (except me-I was hiding). In fact I'm pretty sure he had sex with Meg against her will. After he got off of her and went over to rub his junk on someone else, we hi-fived Meg for scoring with a gay guy in a room full of her friends.

- After the "show" Lewis got redressed in something more casual. He said, "I'm not going clubbing tonight so I'm not dressed up or anything." We offered him a beer, and he said, "I want some of that blue stuff." Yeah you do, Lewis.

- The next day he called up the hostess of the party and said, "You guys were really fun last night. I was just wondering-would you want to go out sometime?" Um. Holy effing shit. How do you answer that? Look, I hope I didn't give you the wrong impression when I smacked your ass and let you hump my chest, but I only like you as a friend.

*This does not hold true if you are a movie star. Perfect bodies on movie stars are okay. And encouraged, really.

Happy 4th of July!

Um…I'm a moron. I'm sorry about the BUI (blogging under the influence). I am blaming Kim. She completely manipulated me into writing something, and by that I mean she said, "Hey you should drunk blog right now because those are funny." And I said, "Okay." Do you see her powers of persuasion?

In honor of the 4th of July holiday, I would like to make a list of things I love about America. I will call it:

Things I love about America

1. Country music
2. Not only will showing cleavage not get me a beating, but it is actually encouraged
3. I have a voice
4. I get a vote
5. Seriously you guys. Seriously.
6. Las Vegas
7. In movies, foreigners call us "cowboys".
8. I can criticize my government and not get arrested or executed. I mean, I don't really do this because I'm too busy reviewing TV shows, but if I wanted to, I could.
9. Food Network and HGTV
10. Old Navy
11. Baseball. And football. And basketball.
12. We got suckerpunched, and we picked ourselves up, dusted ourselves off and kept going
13. We make movies that have lines like this one from "Independence Day": "Today we celebrate our Independence Day!" in reference to fighting aliens on July 4th. Cheesy. Predictable. Awesome.
14. These guys
15. Cherry Coke
16. We invented the light bulb, the dishwasher, windshield wipers, blood blanks, bifocals, the polio vaccine, Scotch tape, the airplane, and Salt and Vinegar Pringles

I could go on and on for days, but I will spare you guys. I hope everyone had a Happy Fourth, and for those of you who do not live in the U.S., we really aren't all cowboys. And we love you guys. For real. I mean I would totally date a cowboy, but there aren't many around here except for Steph who sometimes wears a cowboy hat at parties when she gets really drunk.

To my boys who are heading out to Vegas tonight: Be careful and have fun!!! Bring back money-not VD.

The game of Life

From the title of the postt it seems liket his would be a serious post, but it's for real about the game of Life. We just played it. I owned a trailer and had 1 kid and kept giving money to like art museumsa nd fesitvals and stuff. It's possible we alaos drank some wine. I'm just saying. Danille is a big hor because she won. She had like 700 million dollars. Is it sad that my life during the game of Life was mor e exciting than my actual life? Do you guys still like this blog? I hope so. I lov eyou guys. I may be a little durnk. That's all Im saying. Kim made me write this post so I'm sorry but it's her fault. I'm almost 30. What is wrong with me. Seriously. Anonymous (that took me 10 minitues to write thatword) may have a point that I am not responsible enough to have a house. But you know what-I had fun tonight, anon, an dyou probalby stayed home and watched "Star Trek: the Wrath of Khan" for the 700th time while you insulted a bunch of cool people.

Hey listen peeps I'm out of here, but I just want to say keep it real, and i love you and Steph is sleeping so I'm gonna go wake her up. Peace out motherbitches.

Hit Me Baby One More Time: Week 5

Yes, folks, I finally got to watch it again. This week's was the season finale, and I have to say-it sort of ended on a flop. The artists they got were mostly substandard. That doesn't mean there isn't anything to say because I am Sarah, and there is always stuff to say. (By the way, John will be burning episodes 3 and 4 to DVD for me so reviews are forthcoming.)

My comments:

Juice Newton - After all this time I still think your name is funny. You have aged well, and you sound pretty good, too. "Queen of Hearts" is an awesome song. And you actually sounded okay on Ashlee Simpson. Plus you still play the guitar, and chicks who play guitar are awesome. Be careful of that haircut. It's borderline 80's.

Animotion - I never realized that the song "Obsession" was so boring. Oh wait-yes I did, and that's why I could never listen to it without wanting to jab a pen in my ears. I felt that way again last night which I guess means you guys still got it. Lead singer guy, it was weird when then showed you doing graphic design with your sons, and you were wearing an argile sweater. If you're in a band called Animotion, are you allowed to wear argile? Maybe take some tips from Elvira there. She seems to be completely unable to let go of the 80's. You sang "Days Go By" by Dirty Vegas. What the hell were you thinking. That is a horrible, horrible song. Do you not want to make a comeback or something? There's no other explanation for why you chose that song. Shame on you.

Shannon - Who the hell are you. The highlight of both of your performances was when the host said that your first song made him "want to do robotics" and then he did The Robot.

PM Dawn - Um, you guys are awesome. I was obsessed with you in high school, and not much has changed. Lead singer, at first I thought you had lost one of your chins, but then I noticed that it had just slipped down to your neck. "Set Adrift on Memory Bliss" sounded exactly the same, and "Blurry" by Puddle of Mudd was totally PM Dawned out, and it was fantastic. You absolutely deserved to win, and I am not just saying that because Dave L. told me in 10th grade that "I'd Die Without You" reminded him of me. Also you deserve to win because you totally laid it on thick:
1 – handing out flowers to the audience in an obvious bid to win votes
2 – starting off "Set Adrift" by saying "I'd like to say 'What's up' to God." I like the appeal to the Big Man, and I'm pretty sure God says "What's up" back.
Bonus points: When Lead Singer said his goal is to be a successful vegetarian. At least I think that's what he said, but he doesn't really use consonants so I don't know.

Missing Persons - My comments for you are the same for the past as they are for the present: No. Just no.

Host – God love ya, you actually semi won me over. I think it was The Robot that sent me over the edge. You big freak.