Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Strip sleaze

I have never been someone who has enjoyed male strippers. I like men very, very much. But

a) perfect bodies freak me out a little bit because seriously get a hobby besides going to the gym*,
b) boys who are good dancers freak me out (sorry, Paul),
c) only girls should be able to...gyrate...that way,
d) most male strippers are just not good looking, and
e) don't touch me with your junk. I don't know you.

All of these things apply to the stripper who came to the bachelorette party I was at on Saturday. After his performance, I need to add another item to my list:

f) most male strippers are gay

Ours certainly was. I'm not sure who he was trying to kid, but it wasn't working.

I don't know if any of you have been to a party where a stripper came, but it is surreal. He walked in dressed very nice in something any one of my male friends would wear to work. He was very polite, asked who everyone was and introduced himself. It was like the beginning of a business meeting where he kind of went over the agenda: "Okay first I'm going to have the bachelorette sit in this chair in the middle of the room. Then I want the rest of you ladies to put money all over her. Then I will remove the money using my teeth. After that lunch will be served in the conference room." It was strange.

Suddenly he walked over to his boombox, and pressed play. He was still talking politely and laughing at Jen's (the bachelorette) nervousness then he just started dancing. And not like nasty stripper dancing. No, no-at first it was like he was at a dance club up on stage and he was just feeling the music. Then, of course, he stuck his head in her lap and started pulling dollar bills out of her garter belt. And it all went downhill from there.

Highlights:
- Lewis (that's what I'm calling him) wore combat boots. He took them off, then took his pants off, then PUT THE BOOTS BACK ON. Yes, he danced around in his underwear and combat boots.

- We were drinking our cocktails through straws with penises on them. We asked Lewis if he wanted one, and he said, "I don't...touch penises." Then we all started laughing hysterically. I wish you weren't a liar, Lewis.

- The groom's sister bit Lewis on the ass and made him fall.

- Lewis made Jen take his belt off with her teeth. Before she would do it she asked him if she could get herpes from it.

- Lewis had a g-string on underneath his underwear.

- Lewis either stuffed or had elephantitis of the balls. I'm sorry, but seriously, Lewis, do something about that. The worst view was if you were stuck looking at him from behind. Elephant balls just hanging in between his legs. I still have nightmares. Now you will, too.

- Lewis rubbed himself all over everybody (except me-I was hiding). In fact I'm pretty sure he had sex with Meg against her will. After he got off of her and went over to rub his junk on someone else, we hi-fived Meg for scoring with a gay guy in a room full of her friends.

- After the "show" Lewis got redressed in something more casual. He said, "I'm not going clubbing tonight so I'm not dressed up or anything." We offered him a beer, and he said, "I want some of that blue stuff." Yeah you do, Lewis.

- The next day he called up the hostess of the party and said, "You guys were really fun last night. I was just wondering-would you want to go out sometime?" Um. Holy effing shit. How do you answer that? Look, I hope I didn't give you the wrong impression when I smacked your ass and let you hump my chest, but I only like you as a friend.

*This does not hold true if you are a movie star. Perfect bodies on movie stars are okay. And encouraged, really.

18 comments:

slcup said...

Holy crap, Sarah. This is awesome. I've GOT to move to Cleveland to hang out with you and your friends!

Also, I think that male strippers should only strip down to a great pair of jeans and nothing else. Barefoot and shirtless in jeans is super sexy.

russ said...

Bachelorette parties are a strange animal.

Come to think of it, so are bachelor parties. There's probably the kind of guy that might be interested in actually sleeping with someone else before his wedding, but most guys I know aren't that guy. I think for most guys the night is about eschewing consequences, because you've got a lifetime of responsibilties that are about to give you a long, slow lapdance. But rarely do people want to take that too far. It's about being stupid the way you used to with your buds from days gone by.

It seems that some bachelorette parties are like that, but then there's some instinct to be stupid like your future husband's buds are being stupid instead of how you and your buds enjoy being stupid.

What I'm saying is that there are, say, 70% of men who are into strippers. Then there's like 10% (like me) who can take or leave the scene. Then there are people with objections. Hopefully the group invited to the bachelor party is safely in one camp, and you can plan the events accordingly.

For women, maybe it's like 30% into it, 20% toleration, and the remainder icked out. How likely the group is to be into the smoothies is left as an exercise for the reader.

ORF said...

Oh Sarah, I did miss your hilarious ways on my trip. But I'm back and particularly enjoyed the hilarity of this scenario. Teehee!

Russ! Blah blah blah!!! Are you an economist who works only with numbers and never people in your job? That was quite an analysis. I'll be expecting a spreadsheet on it later. In your combat boots.

Anonymous said...

russ, I don't know who you are but I'm a little worried that you even found that article you linked to. Talk about gay...

russ said...

I always read Heather Havrilesky at Salon, mostly cuz I like crap Tv, not men.

However I _am_ wearing combat boots. And nothing else. Possibly.

John said...

Russ I'm going to guess that your numbers on guys are off. At least I hope they are. 20% of guys love strippers. 70% tolerate and 10% have issues. Of that 20% about most of them would eff the stripper given the chance.
You are gay and I have no doubt you're wearing combat boots and unmatched socks right now. Nothing else.

Johnny Virgil said...

I was at a bachelor party with a stripper once. She was the worst -- she came in dressed as a policewoman. She had a stomach roll and smelled like onion soup. The host actually didn't end up having to pay for her. It was really gross.

Adam said...

John, I think your numbers are more spot on, I was totally up for some Russ Refutin' but you beat me to it.

That said, you should all be nicer (or at least, more hilariously meaner) to Russ. He's a thinkin' dude. Russ, when you design something cool and sell if for a kabillion dollars, don't forget about that one time when a commenter (ie, me) had your 6.

Oh, that girl. said...

The stripper at our "sorority" function had red bumps ALL OVER HIS ASS from where he had shaved the hair off. It was not fun at all!

russ said...

Tanks der, Adam.

As for the numbers, I wasn't so much concerned about the intra-gender numbers, but rather the idea that far fewer women enjoy strippers than men. Now you can tell me why I'm wrong about that.

I'm off to design something cool, preferably something that will help me forget strippers are paid, because every other part of a nekkid woman rubbin' up on me is good.

sassyassy said...

I went to my first strip club on my recent trip to New Orleans. It was more amusing than anything else. It was funny to watch my elegant friend, Di, being the subject of a freaky lap dance even though "dancer" was totally gay.

Scott said...

"...dressed very nice in something any one of my male friends would wear to work" So he had a wrinkly pair of khaki's and a "ComputerWorld Expo '97" golf shirt?

LizzieDaisy said...

Saw my first and only male stripper at 18 (before I saw a guy naked) and was totally grossed out by it all. HE was gross, g-sting and all, and sitting on her face rubbing his crap all over her. :) While he danced, they all sat around sucking penis pops comparing notes on how to give the best blow job. Of course, little miss square had no clue what the hell to do but hide in the kitchen. I was an hour and a half late to the party in order to miss the festivities. So was he. Today, I still wouldn't change that, not that I don't enjoy sex and guys and whatever... but they just seem gross. I'd rather watch my hub. :) And those pretty boys that Russ posted. BOYS. I think I like my guys to look like guys. Hm. Wonder what the other women think.

Rob Seifert said...

Strippers don't do much for me either. Don't get me wrong, I like naked people as much as the next guy but the whole, "Look but don't touch" thing is just bizarre. Add to that the pelethora of odd social habits that permiatate the stripper subset and this guy just ends up confused.

I'm getting married on Friday and both my soon to be spouse and I told our respective representatives that there would be no strippers. I'm going on a motorcycle ride with my best man and she's going out to eat. That sounds a lot better than "one more night of freedom."

RCS

Sarah said...

Congratulations RCS!!! I wish you years and years of happiness without any strippers!

Chika said...

I am so with you, sistah. This made me nod and say "hell YEAH!" and then the part about his gignudous balls made me spittle a little bit. Men: keep your clothes on unless we ask you. And sandles? Maybe not so much.

Paul said...

I do think crazy dancers can be scary, but if you do it well it can be pretty cool. Plus they say a guy who can dance well on the dloor probably does so in the bedroom.....

Mon said...

E)
What IS that all about??? I have been to parties with male dancers, and clubs. I don't know who invites them to smack you in the face with their stuff, and few people believe me when I tell them this happens!!!!! validation, is sweet!
Great story though! funny!