Tuesday, March 14, 2006

I love you, Dr. M.

Yesterday was the 3rd time in a month that I had to go to the dentist. I have to go 2 more times in the next 2 weeks. I'm just saying I have pretty awesome teeth. This is how I felt for most of the day yesterday:

This might just be the very worst of the all the bad pictures I've drawn.

Anyway, since the time I have had teeth, I have gone to the same dentist. Then last fall he passed away from cancer. He was only like 58. He was literally the gentlest kindest person on the entire planet. I'm serious-the human race is worse off for having lost him. He wasn't a very modern dentist. He didn't have a hygienist or anything like that. He did all the cleaning himself and sang while he did it. He didn't have a panoramic X-ray machine. He didn't have a lot of machines. I didn't realize how many machines he didn't have until I went to my new dentist.

At first I felt like I was betraying my beloved Dr. M. when I went to the new guy even though I didn't have a choice. Then I walked into one of the rooms, and it was all shiny and filled with special instruments and machines. Then I saw it-the greatest machine of all: a television. A TELEVISION!!! Oh my God there are TVs in every room!!! And they're at the perfect height and angle so that you can watch them when you are laying back in the chair! I swear I barely notice that the dentist is drilling my teeth because I'm too busy wondering what Martha is cooking or listening to what those zany ladies on The View are saying. They're so crazy! The dentist asks me questions, and I'm like, "I'm sorry-what? Hey, listen Dr. B., could you turn off that drill? I can't hear Jada Pinkett Smith and Oprah telling me how to be a good mother and a strong woman*."

*By the way, this is my pet peeve. Celebrities telling people how to be good parents. Or celebrities receiving a ridiculous amount of kudos for doing things you're supposed to do as a parent. Like they'll have an interview of Catherine Zeta-Jones in a magazine, and she'll be like, "Well, I try to feed the baby myself as much as possible, and I change the diapers myself." Then they show a picture of her pushing the stroller, and people write in to the magazine like, "Oh my God Catherine Zeta-Jones is the greatest mother ever. How refreshing to see someone so beautiful and talented actually spend quality time with her kids."

1 - What the picture doesn't show is the $1,000-a-week nanny standing beside her ready to take over pushing the stroller as soon as the cameras get their shot.

2 - Either you applaud EVERY mother for being a mother or you don't applaud the things that are just part of being a parent. For example, "She actually feeds her own baby?!? Give her a medal!" No. Millions of women do this everyday because that is part of being a mother. I will not hi-five Catherine Zeta-Jones unless I can hi-five every other parent out there who is busting their ass to raise children.

Okay I feel better. Now to sum up:

I have bad teeth. I miss my old dentist. I like my new dentist. I'm sick of going to the dentist. I have pent up bitterness toward Catherine Zeta-Jones.


Anonymous said...

Did you eat too many red fish and have them congeal on your teeth? Nuts!

Eileen said...

My dentist is this tiny, tiny Irish guy. It's like having your teeth cleaned by the Lucky Charms cereal guy.

Anonymous said...

Eileen that's hilarious!

lildirtyann said...

We pay for the tv with our bill on our way out.

Kukka-Maria said...

OMG! I hate that "Catherine Zeta Jones" epidemic, too! I also hate it when I hear men say to their friends, "No, dude...I can't on Saturday night. My wife is going out with her friends, so I am babysitting the kids."

Um...last I checked it wasn't called "babysitting," it was called "being a father!" You can not babysit your own children!

Rebecca said...

OK, I have to comment on that Oprah show. That psychologist was telling the young girls not to treat their bodies like trashcans. She actually said "Don't be a trashcan for boy's sperm!" My sister and I died laughing. I had tears in my eyes. Then later she said, "Don't be a trashcan where boys can come and drop their (pause) sperm." What the hell?!!?

slcup said...

um, i like your purrty picture

Adam said...

Sarah, you're such a hoebag. When you earn a million kazillion dollars but still choose to change your own baby, you are an awesome mum. Have you ever changed a baby? I haven't, but I assume it's really, really, freakin gross. To have millions of dollars and still do it is almost sainthood.

Vote Catherine Zeta Jones for President or Queen!

Adam said...

Based on the above comments, do I have any volunteers to be a trashcan for my sperm?