A bunch of stuff for you

- Um...can I just say that I effing love "Friday Night Lights"? I loved the movie, now I love the show. A show about high school football? With cute boys (pedophile alert)? And a cute coach (guy who exploded on Grey's)? Bring it. It's so real and so touching and it's football, you guys. Plus this yummy little piece. Someone call the police. Oh wait no he's 24 in real life. We're good. No need to lock up your children.

- Oh...my...God. I don't even know what to say. Ryan and Reese? Over? I'm...I'm devastated. Don't they realize how they are so meant to be that they are actually starting to look like each other? I was just watching a show on E!* where they were talking about their babies, and I was thinking, "Wow they are so perfect together." I am so sad right now. I think I need a drink. Join me-that is the only way any of us will get through this.
*Sidenote about the show on E!: It was a show called "Top 20 most beautiful celebrity babies". They actually ranked the cuteness of celebrity babies. It was seriously the most disgusting, distasteful show I've ever seen. Ranking babies? That is horrible! I felt dirty watching it, but the only reason I did was to see what all the babies looked like. Seriously, E!, not that I look to you for intelligent programming (The Girls Next Door), but that is gross even for you.

- Am I the only person in the country who is not excited about the new Borat movie? It doesn't look funny. It looks stupid. Not to mention it is in my effing face every 5 minutes. Also every time this guy does an interview he does it in character, and that annoys me. Put him on the list with Dame Edna of actors who think they've created funny characters but haven't. Someone who's seen the movie, am I wrong? Is it funny? Or is it really just irritating as it appears? And not to take the wind out of your sails, but even if you say it's funny, I won't believe you.

- You guys, I almost crossed a line today. A line you don't come back from. I almost bought a Christmas sweatshirt from JC Penny. Not like a cute, kind of funky Christmas sweatshirt. One that had fuzzy balls and shiny jewel things on it. Thank God I came to my senses-twice (I went back again after I stopped myself the first time). I fear my resistance will grow weaker as I approach my 30th birthday. Who knows what will happen after that. I simply can't guarantee that I won't buy one along with a holiday themed turtleneck to wear underneath. Someone help me.

Oh, Lost-how I love thee

*Don't read if you haven't seen last night's episode of "Lost"*

Am I the only one who thought "Lost" was outstanding last night? Sawyer's life is like a rollercoaster. Holy hell. He has a daughter!? Yowza. That is quite a twist. I did not see that coming. It was very uncool when he befriended that nerdy inmate and then totally sold him out to get out of jail. But it was very cool that he gave all the money to his baby girl. Something else uncool? Her name is Clementine. Come on, lady. What are you doing? Do you hate your baby?

I totally lost my freakin' mind when they said they put a pacemaker in his chest. Do you think they really did? I know BenHenry said they didn't at the end, but he has a history of being a little bit less than truthful, and by "a little bit" I mean "a whole fucking lot". All I know is that is creepy if they really did it. Actually it's creepy even if they didn't because it means they were diabolical enough just to come up with an idea like that. Freaks.

And you know what, BenHenry? Don't get all holier than thou with your "WE don't kill people, James" bullshit. Oh no-you just kidnap them and hold them as prisoners and torture them and run psychological experiments on them and use intimidation techniques to essentially beat them into submission. No-that makes you good people. And then you're surprised when one of them kills one of you? Get your head out of your ass. If you beat a tamed animal enough, it'll turn on you.

Can you tell I hate The Others with a burning passion? At this point I don't give a rat's ass if they really are good people. They refuse to divulge any information and they refuse to let Jack, Kate and Sawyer go not to mention they tried to take Claire's baby and tried to murder Charlie. They deserve whatever they get at this point. The castaways have to protect themselves based on the information they have. And the information they have is that The Others are a bunch of seriously big a-holes.

I feel Juliette (fertility doctor??) might break. Jack is going to wear her down. I like when he said, "I don't care about making you feel better." You can't have it both ways, hor! You're either his captor or his friend. Decide. And pick 'friend'. Have you seen how hot he is? Um that reminds me-Kate saying she loves Sawyer? I'm not okay with that. And they totally threw that line in where she says, "I just said that so they would stop beating you." for people like me who still want her with Jack, to give us hope. But come on-I wasn't born yesterday. She loves Sawyer. Goddammit, Lost writers. Why did you do this to me. Sawyer's cute and funny and I love him, but he already turned on her once last season when he used her to steal all the guns. He'll do it again. Dammit. Dammit dammit dammit.

I love Desmond. I love him. What is up with him seeing the future. Now's he's cute and smart and has an awesome accent and can see the future. Amazing!! Did Hurley really ask him if he wanted some fruit salad? Fruit salad! God I love Hurley.

One last thing...the tumor!! It's BenHenry, isn't it? I'm freaking out. My how the tables have turned, BenHenry. Now you need Jack which means you'll probably have to give in to some of his demands. Excellent!

I love this effing show!!

An open letter to Target

Dear Target,

Okay listen I know it's not your fault that James Taylor, Aly & AJ, Jim Brickman, Sarah McLachlan and Enya all released Christmas albums this year, but did you have to put them all by each other at the store? I mean Jesus H, people, at least give me a fighting chance of keeping my money. Also what is up with all the cute hat/glove/scarf combos this year? Last year I looked all over the place, and you had crap. Now you have 47 different kinds, and I want all of them. I mean one of the sets is chenille. Do you know how soft that is? What are you doing to me? Do you want me to be some kind of weirdo poverty-stricken old lady surrounded entirely by hats and gloves and listening to Christmas music? Because that's what you've made me. That's what you've made me!!! (Mom and Dad, you may have played a part in this, too.)

P.S. You're lucky I didn't buy Lionel Richie's new Christmas album. Actually everyone who rides in my car with me is lucky I didn't buy that.

Summary of text messages sent to and from Danielle last night while I was using the instructions she sent me for making fish

Okay Seriously, 4:00pm: Hey im gonna make fish 2nite. 4 the broiling-do I move the rack up at all? do I keep the oven door open?

Hor, 4:02pm: Keep the door open a little and just have the rack in the center. U might not have to move it at all. Do u know what I mean about the door?

OS, 4:04pm: Yep. omg im nervous! i'll let u know how it goes

OS, 5:35pm: Could not have gone worse. it caught on fire, smoke alarms went off and its possible I broke the oven. Henry crapped himself. um I think I did something wrong.

OS, 5:36pm: P.S. the peas look great and i cannot stop laughing

Hor, 8:14pm: Uh, I hope u took pics of this fiasco

In fact I did not take pictures of this fiasco because I was too busy trying to make sure my house didn't catch on fire. Also I was trying to calm down the dog who was basically wrapped around my leg and trembling with terror. Also I was seriously laughing so hard I almost peed my pants.

When I told Diane what happened her first words were, "WHY ARE YOU SO BAD AT COOKING??" She quickly tried to backpeddle by bringing it down to this: "Why do you have the worst luck with food?" Thanks for trying to be nice, Diane, although it was a pretty weak attempt. Just because I set the fish on fire yesterday and on Saturday when I was making muffins I put in 1 and 3/4 cups of milk instead of just 3/4 cup doesn't mean I am a bad cook. It means I am an exceptionally bad cook. God, seriously, will someone who knows how to cook come and marry me already? I don't care if you are male or female. You just have to stop me from burning down my neighborhood.

P.S. Thanks to everyone who defended me from the meanie who apparently hates people who steal (what's up with that?). You guys are awesome.

P.P.S. Seriously, George is gay. I have excellent gaydar, and I did not pick up on this. I feel bad he was forced into coming out because of Isaiah Washington, apparent homophobe, but obviously it doesn't make me love him any less. Hey-if Tom Cruise can act like he's straight in movies, there's no reason George can't. Love you, George!!

P.P.P.S. Crazy church sign saying by my house: "Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"

Holiday Tree: Still kicking

I bet you were wondering if we forgot about the holiday tree. After all, it's been a while since we last decorated it. But how could we not decorate it with such a big holiday approaching? That's right-I'm obviously talking about Election Day. What did you think I was talking about? Oh right right-Halloween. The holiday that is 12 days away that almost everybody else on Earth is decorating for. At this point, let me remind you in whose home the holiday tree resides: Steph. Election Day is Steph's favorite day after the 4th of July. And we even got Danielle to come to this decorating party because she loves Election Day so much. Do you guys see what I am dealing with here? Sometimes it's really kind of tiring being "the cool friend".

We had another special guest this time around: Steph's Aunt Nancy. Let me tell you a few things about Aunt Nancy. 1 - She rules. 2 - She is the one who gave Steph the new holiday tree because she reads this blog and didn't want the tradition to die. 3 - She brought us 6 bottles of wine (please see #1). Steph's younger sister Erin also came. She is in college, and, ladies, you know how when you were in college you admired women who were older than you and who had great jobs and were mature and sophisticated adults? Well she probably does, too, but unfortunately that doesn't describe us so she was definitely judging us. And quite rightly. I mean let's be honest. Are we anything to look up to? Is this where she sees herself in 8-10 years? Decorating a tree with construction paper ornaments? I don't think so.

When we walked in, we immediately saw these things:




































Steph had labeled some of our snacks after the Ohio candidates for Senator. Yeah-she really did. She doesn't want me to show this because she misspelled Sherrod Brown, but don't worry, Steph. No one will notice that. They'll be too busy wondering, like Diane did, why you didn't make actual brownies instead of pretending brownie donuts are a real thing.

Here's how the tree turned out:




















Yes-that's a picture of JFK at the base of the tree.







This was the first ornament put on the tree. It was provided by Aunt Nancy, and she asked us permission if she could put the first ornament up there. Seeing as it was awesome, we naturally said yes.










Here we see our beautiful tree topper provided by Kim:




















When Steph gets married she wants this to be her bouquet.

This is where Diane tried to make our holiday tree boring by putting her one and only true cause up on the tree:














But she made up for it when she made one of her famous penises. Some of the girls said that you shouldn't put penises on an Election Day tree. 1 - Are you saying they belonged on all the other trees? Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, the every holiday of the year tree? 2 - If there is one tree we ever decorate that should have penises on it, it's this one. The world of politics is full of dicks.



Aunt Nancy pissed Steph off on purpose by putting the Democratic Donkey on it. Since it's at Steph's house, as a result of the donkey being on there the penis has been shoved way into the middle of the tree so it's not very visible, and Diane's penis isn't getting as much attention as it should. Incidentally if Diane actually had a penis, it would probably get a lot of attention.










Since we really did have a room full of people with different political opinions and from different parties, Nancy then tried to show nonpartisanship by creating this:













These were my contributions:




















My other contributions were:
1- drinking the wine Aunt Nancy brought (and I did an excellent, excellent job) and
2 - wearing a white t-shirt with a black bra.

Here Steph celebrates the meaning of democracy:















This seems reasonable:














This is funny whether you're a Democrat or a Republican.















I mean honestly how can you not laugh at that. And this is how we all really feel:









Stay tuned for next time when it'll probably be like December 20th, and we'll decorate the tree for Winter Solstice or something.

P.S. This is also sitting in Steph's house:
















You may remember when Steph stole Shannon's bouquet at her wedding. Well, that's not it. That's a bouquet from a wedding she went to a couple weeks ago. That's right-Steph is now a serial bouquet stealer. Steph, you have started down a dark path. If you keep going this way, it will be too late to turn back. So I say keep going because it is really funny.

My thoughts for today

Top on my list of Things I Care About: Madonna adopting a baby.

Oh wait sorry. I misspelled that. It should say "When Jack and Kate are going to get together on Lost". Seriously does anyone care about Madonna anymore? She's old news. The only thing of value she has produced recently is the song "Sorry", and even that could've been done better by someone else. Good luck with your newly purchased baby, Madonna. You're annoying.

Song that makes me question my worth as a human being because I like it: "London Bridge" by Fergie

I will dance to this song all night long.

Sign that we have reached a new low as a society: Ice T's Rap School

Ice T teaches rap to a bunch of white kids at a prep school. I'm scared.

I dedicate this post to my friend Amy

Amy, after attending your lovely wedding a few weeks ago I have a few things I would like to say to you.

1. Thank you so much for inviting us and for letting us be a part of your special day. Everything was beautiful, and we had an absolute blast.

2. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. We are drunks, and we are poor. That is the only explanation I can offer for this:














Okay and you should also know that this:

plus this:




















= me in a train. A dance train or "that which I so violently oppose". So you can't be too mad at me, right? Dance train?

Also we ended up spending a ton of money anyway. I'm not sure, but it might have something to do with the fact that Diane kept buying drinks for everyone within a 25 foot radius. Please don't be mad. We love you. You are pretty.

3. Congratulations! I am so happy for you. You mean so much to me, and I hope you are happy forever!

P.S. You were a beautiful bride:


















Completely unrelated P.P.S.: FUCKIN' SAINTS! The Eagles? Seriously??

TGIFthe13th

Yesterday was a great day. First I opened up my mail and this was in there:









That is my Heinen's preferred customer card. Okay it's not that exciting, but at least it was mail that wasn't a bill. Plus I earn Continental Frequent Flyer miles when I use it. Man, my life is sad.

Also I got a package. When I opened it it was filled with this:



















This is wine from this winery. Diane and Drew found it when they went to Florida, and they brought me some back. It is amazing. I drank all of it last night. Okay that's not true. But I wanted to. Instead I just hugged all of it a few times.

When I came home from work my Dad was there putting up these:







Then he showed me the icicle lights and mini colored lights he bought for me for use at Christmas. Then he took me out to dinner. I'm just saying that my future husband has a lot to live up to. Good luck, future husband. I think you are going to need it.

Obviously we need to talk about shows.

Lost
I agree with Russ. I would like to know why Kate's wrists are all effed up. What did they do to her before they brought her to that cage? I heart Sawyer. Big time. He is so funny and hot and a jerk but in a good way. If he called me Freckles I would totally be fine with it. Well I mean except for the fact that I don't have freckles so it would be kind of a weird nickname for me, but that's okay. Sun is a badass mother effer. She just went ahead and shot that lady right in the stomach didn't she? Good! Now that we know The Others are actually kind of normal people, I hate them more than ever. It's easier to deal with people you think are totally batshit crazy doing bad stuff to other people. But these people seem normal and are basically just doing experiments on our friends (yes I just said 'our friends' as if we are actually friends). For what purpose? It is absolutely driving me insane. On Wednesday I was like, "I'm gonna need someone to kill one of The Others because I hate them so much." And then Sun totally delivered. I was cheering.

Also is anyone else ready for this bitch to die?







She just keeps getting in the way and messing stuff up.

One last thing-did you see how irritated BenHenry got when Jack didn't believe him that he had contact with the outside world? Jack was laughing at him saying, "If you really wanted to convince me you would've picked a different team besides Boston." And BenHenry got agitated. It stood out for me because he is always so calm and collected. It's probably nothing-I just thought it was interesting.

The Office
I am happy to see Jim smiling again although I'm ready for him to be back in the Scranton branch so he can torture Dwight and make googly eyes at Pam. How cute is he with those chips? He did all that work just to get her some chips. My God do men like this really exist? Also I seriously almost started crying when Pam was giving her speech at the bird funeral, and it was so obvious she wrote that speech for Michael. She is so sweet, and that was such a nice moment. Then I was almost crying with laughter 2 seconds later when Dwight was playing "On the Wings of Love" on his recorder and Pam was singing it. Holy crap. Oh and also Pam rules because when they were sharing their "death of a loved one" experiences she used the plot from Million Dollar Baby. Man-Pam was awesome this episode. Other highlights: Ryan with his Lion King story and Jim's weirdo co-worker ("Did you check your butt?").

Grey's
Here were my exact thoughts on the first couple minutes of Grey's last night: "HOLY FUCKING SHIT!" Did you see that guy's face just light up? I crapped myself.

So McDreamy finally did the right thing. Diane, please do not tell me you didn't like him last night. He was so sweet and caring and finally, finally "got it". He understood that he was being selfish and he let her go, and it was perfect. And not surprisingly she picked him shortly after. But man-Finn. He is AMAZING. How do you let a guy like that go? Because the heart wants what it wants even if it's bad for you. At least he was like, "He's going to hurt you again, and when he does I won't be around anymore." Yeah-cuz he'll be at my house.

Addison, despite the fact that you are a cheating whore, you are smart and pretty and became over the top nice by talking to Meredith about McDreamy. You really didn't owe that to her or to him so good for you. You're a classy lady besides the whole cheating on your husband stuff. You should keep having sex with McSteamy.

Mmmmm....McSteamy. Holy. I feel like this blog has become my 7th grade diary where all I talk about are hot guys but I'm on hottie overload lately, and McSteamy is only making it worse. I won't bore you with pre-teen gushing, I'll just give a shout out to the big man upstairs. Well done, big man. Well done indeed.

Callie, way to go dumping George. You were absolutely right. He drops everything for Izzie and Meredith. I'm glad you stood up for yourself. Also you are my hero because I can think of no better revenge than sleeping with the hottest doctor on the entire planet an hour after you've been dumped. That is how I like to get over my breakups, too. I mean that's not how I actually get over them. My way usually involves ice cream and "Friends", but given the opportunity that is how I would do it, too.

Um...8.7 million dollars, you guys. 8.7 MILLION DOLLARS!!!

Sports break

Obviously we are all still devastated by Katrina and are wishing all the affected cities a speedier recovery than what we've seen so far, but if the Saints don't stop screwing me in my Pro Pick 'Em league I'm gonna lose my mind. 4-1?!? Seriously? This is what I get for betting against a team from a party town. Never bet against the drinkers, Sarah!

P.S. The Tigers beating the Yankees in the Playoffs may have been the greatest moment of my life.

My review of The Departed

Friday we went to see "The Departed". There were about 11 of us, and I was the last to arrive-as usual. I am not what one would call punctual in the traditional sense. Or in any sense. But I got there before it started, and the theater was packed so my friends saved me a seat. As I was walking in right behind a couple, Paul screamed across the theater "That girl's hot! The one in the green." (I was wearing a green sweater.) The poor girl in front of me-and her boyfriend-thought he was talking to her. So she was looking up at him like WTF? so then this happened while about 75% of the theater looked on:

Paul: "No not you. I mean you're hot, too. But I was talking to the girl behind you. You're pretty, though. I'm sorry."

The girl turned around and said, "Oh! He means you! Congratulations!" It was so effing hilarious I almost wet myself right there. I wonder what her boyfriend was thinking. Awesome.

Anyway, the review.

Summary: Holy shit.

I don't want to give too much away. I'll just say that it was fantastic. So many times during the movie I turned to Gordo and Loyd and said, "What the hell is going on right now?" in a good way because it is insane. The characters were so badass, and there was tons of action and some great twists and turns in the story. It was clever and surprising and funny. Actually I was surprised how much I laughed. Alec Baldwin was hilarious. As with a lot of other gangster movies, you walk away with a lot of great one-liners. Almost all of them courtesy of Jack Nicholson. It's a gangster movie, and I don't normally like gangster movies. But this one felt a little hipper to me. And it didn't have Sharon Stone. And, okay the hot men didn't hurt. It's not like Joe Pesci has me running out to see him in a movie because I think he's so hot.

The acting: Phenomenal. There's no other word for it. It was some of the best acting I have ever seen in my life. Jack Nicholson was amazing. Every performance by everyone in the movie-even the bit players-was top-notch. The only complaint I have is that the woman in the movie has a Boston accent that comes and goes. But it's barely noticeable in a movie this good.

The men: You guys already know that the main reason I went to see this movie was because of the men. As predicted, they were beautiful (though Mark Wahlberg's hair was doing something weird). I mean there was a hot guy in every scene. It was awesome. But let me just try to put into words just how good Leonardo DiCaprio looked. Um...I can't. He was so hot there are no words to describe it. Historically he has never really done anything for me. I mean I always thought he was nice looking, but I just didn't get all the hoopla. But after this movie, I swear I'm thisclose to buying a poster for above my bed and starting my own Leo fan club. He was just beyond gorgeous. I actually had a physical reaction to him up on screen. I mean he was just so. goddamn. HOT. Like Diane said, "You know Leo's looking hot when they pan back to Matt Damon, and I'm like 'Meh.'" Seriously. Matt Damon and Marky Mark looked good, but Leo. Leo was in a different league. Mmmm. There's just nothing more I can say.

Violence: Surprisingly none. Oh except I'm lying. If you don't like violence you won't like this film. I can't handle gore at all (I don't watch horror movies), and I was okay. It's more violent and implied gore than actual gore.

Swearing: Suprisingly none. Oh except I'm lying again. You keep falling for it.

Kids: Don't be one of those assholes who brings their kids to a highly inappropriate movie just because you want to see it. Because this movie couldn't be less appropriate for kids.

To be fair: Steph and Matt hated the movie. Steph said it was a waste of 3 hours. This is not a movie for everybody. Only people who are cool. Just kidding, Steph and Matt (not really, you guys).

Mom: Do not see this movie. You will hate it.

Dad: See this movie. You will like it.

Leo: CALL ME.

Steph will be 30 in 364 days

- Is it too soon to turn on my heat? It was 63 degrees in my house yesterday. I kept saying, "Oh that's not cold", but I'll tell you what-it is, you guys. It really is.

- Shannon sent me this video clip from the Daily Show. Those of you from Cleveland will really appreciate it because it makes fun of Carl Monday. For those of you not from Cleveland, Carl Monday is this douchebag investigative reporter on our local news. He wears a trenchcoat and resembles a giant bag of douche. This clip is hilarious. Incidentally, the funniest story I've ever heard about an investigative reporter was told to me by my friend Mike. His friend Jim (not his real name) worked for a record store. An investigative reporter was doing a piece on selling CDs with explicit lyrics to kids younger than 17. They had a young kid-like 12 years old-go up and try to buy an album with that explicit lyric sticker on it while wearing a hidden camera. Jim sold it to him. So then the reporter while wearing a hidden camera and acting like the next customer walked up and said, "Do you know you just sold that album with explicit lyrics to a little kid?" Jim's response? "I'd sell it to a fetus if I could." Have you ever heard a more poetic response to a question? On the news they kept playing that sound bite over and over, and if you went to the website and clicked on the story that sound bite was there, too. He got fired even though the store managers really didn't want to fire him since he was their best employee. They were basically like, "Why did you say fetus, Jim. Dammit." They rehired him a few months later after things "cooled down". Man I love that story.

- You know what I don't understand? When musical artists I've never heard of sing or rap about being pestered by the media. What's that about? Nobody's hounding you because nobody knows who you are.

- The Office (spoilers): I feel like all I have to say is "Hug it out, bitch." I lost my mind when Michael said that. Just completely lost it. I love Dwight drunk with power. And I love Creed's creepy scene when he walked over and just started staring at Pam, and when she asked him to leave he said, "In a few minutes." Amazing. He is always good for one awesomely hilarious albeit creepy scene.* Pam looked hot in her new clothes. I think if we were friends I would make her dress more slutty. But I wouldn't chant "Fashion show at lunch!" over and over even though that was so funny. Kelly is a trip. And she's mean. Poor Roy's just trying to come up and see Pam as much as possible, and Kelly just calls him out right in front of everybody. Newbie girl at Jim's office better lay off my boyfriend-I mean Pam's boyfriend. Jim belongs to Pam, biatch, so just watch it. Um also Ed Helms is fantastic as Jim's psycho co-worker. "I will actually shoot you." Brilliant!

- Greys (spoilers): I love that these latest episodes are back to being a bit more upbeat. They were kind of serious there for a while at the end of last season. How awkward do you think the fantasy threesome scene was to shoot? Okay we all know she'll end up with McDreamy, but man-Finn really makes it hard. He is amazing. Did you see how excited Alex was that Izzie was back? Be more in love with her, Alex! Also he was awesome with that little girl. I'm telling you-babies. He will be a baby/child doctor yet. Also-is that a real condition? Insensitivity to pain? That's scary. So Callie was winning me over, and now I think she's really weird again. Who just gets naked in front of people she barely knows? I'm sorry, but if a woman I kind of knew from work dropped their towel in front of me, I would not be okay with that. As is consistent with Christina's character, when she realizes she needs to take care of Burke while he's recovering she doesn't wait on him hand and foot, she pushes him to get better. I love that. And I loved the last scene with the 3 of them on the bed laughing. It feels like the friendships are getting back to normal. And I am happy. Next time I'm gonna need more McSteamy, though. Mmmm...McSteamy.

- Yesterday was Steph's birthday. You may remember that last year we went to Malley's. Well this year we went to Melt Bar and Grilled. It's a grilled cheese restaurant. Seriously. They sell grilled cheese and alcohol. Can you say "greatest idea for a restaurant ever"? Soup is served in mugs, and the menus are made out of old record album covers. Matt dressed up to match Jen's Lionel Richie album cover:












After the amazing and delicious grilled cheese place, we went to bars. Every five minutes I had to make Steph put her birthday crown back on (oh by the way if you hang out with us we make you wear things on your birthday). Steph was freaking out because she turns 30 in a year. As if I'm not already panicking enough about my own 30th, she laid this on me, "Aren't you freaking out? Everyone has a list of stuff they want to get done by the time they're 30. Have you done any of it? YOU ONLY HAVE 2 MORE MONTHS!" Um...shut the hell up, Steph! I hate you! Oh also she's decided that this is the last birthday we are celebrating and the last one we are to talk about out loud. Too bad we are in charge and not Steph. So I'm thinking skywriter? A guy driving through town on a megaphone announcing it? Maybe he could be yelling, "Did you finish your list, Steph!?"

*For example in season 2's finale when he won the refrigerator and said, "Thanks. I've never owned a refrigerator" and just walked away.

Some stuff for today

- Meat Part 2: Animal Carcass:


















- The name of the new Die Hard movie that's coming out is Die Hard 4: Live Free or Die Hard. Um...YES.

- Did you guys watch Lost last night? Here were my exact thoughts right after it was over:

What the fuck is going on!?!?

Last night was so frustrating in that it again posed so many new questions, but at the same time it was freakin' awesome!!! Am I right or am I right? Seriously who the hell are the Others and WHAT DO THEY WANT!? It is driving me crazy. I must know what they are all about and why they are holding these people hostage for apparently no reason. What threat do the survivors pose? I seriously can't deal. Henry Gale, by the way, is the creepiest guy on television which makes him absolutely fantastic. The guy that plays him is the man. Seriously. Oh also-book club? What? They bake muffins and have book club meetings? WHO ARE YOU, OTHERS!?

I have to concede one point to Diane: Jack is a little bitchy. I mean he really is crabby. However, his wife left him, his dad died before they patched things up, his plane crashed on a weird island, every single person looks to him and relies on him for everything and now he's being held prisoner in a glass box underneath an aquarium filled with sharks while the new lady he cares about is being held captive somewhere else. I think he's earned the right to be crabby. Despite his crabbiness, he is so goddamn hot. I mean honestly. Look at him you guys. Plus he's determined and tough and smart and did I mention hot? I don't care what you say, Diane-I love him.

When Henry Gale told Kate she was not going to have a pleasant 2 weeks, I almost wet myself. What the hell does that mean? Why is he so scary? Sayid needs to get his badass in there and rescue them. Because you know that will be good TV.

It's good to have you back, Lost. I wish you were on again tonight.

- What is happening on Clay Aiken's head:

My reaction to the Screech sex tape

"I wish I was dead."

Meat and greet

Last Thursday was Meg's birthday. To celebrate we went to a Brazilian steakhouse. I have never been to a Brazilian steakhouse before, and it doesn't work like a normal restaurant so as usual when I'm faced with something new, I reacted with fear and confusion. Essentially here is how it works: You pay a flat price. Included in the price of your meal is access to the salad bar. And I'm not talking about some lame little Bob's Big Boy salad bar. One of the four sides has a salad-making area. The other 3 sides are filled with every kind of salad made under the sun: lobster salad, potato salad, chicken salad, carrot salad, broccoli salad. And then they just throw the whole salad idea out the window by filling up the rest of the space with tortellini, asparagus, mahi mahi, green beans, etc. I mean I literally can't remember all of it.

And that is only the first part of your meal. After you gorge yourself on the salad bar, it's meat time. And I don't mean like you pick out a steak and eat it. No-that is apparently not enough meat for the Brazilians. What happens is men appear from out of the shadows and they are carrying meat. Big slabs of meat on spits and they come up to you and cut off a slice for you. Sixteen kinds of meat. Sixteen men bring out sixteen kinds of meat, and you can eat all of it as many times as you want. I mean they just keep coming back. "Top sirloin? Flank Steak? Rack of lamb?" It's really quite terrifying. They give you a little round coaster type thing. One side is red, the other is green. When you have it green side up that is a sign for the meat men that it's go time. When you are done or as our waiter put it "you need a break", turn the coaster to red side up. That stops the meat parade. By the way "meat parade" couldn't sound any dirtier. But that's literally what it was. A parade of meat.

At one point Diane couldn't take looking at the dead animal carcass on her plate anymore, and she had to cover it up with a napkin. I, too, reached a point where the thought of stuffing any more meat into my body made me want to puke. Boy-the double entendres are really piling up here.

I sat next to Kevin and Matt who apparently have an endless hunger for meat (ding! double entendre). I mean they wouldn't stop eating. They even looked up the list of meats and asked our waiter-twice-for meat that had apparently not made it to our table. This is after eating 14 other kinds of meat. They still wanted more. Then they got dessert. Matt got Bananas Foster because he thought they set it on fire. He said I had to eat it with him and when I refused he said, "You're getting some of this fiery love, and you don't even know it." Then Matt and I did it on the table surrounded by meat carcass. And by "did it on the table surrounded by meat carcass" I mean that after dessert he and Kevin went up and got some tortellini. I finally had to take Matt's fork away from him before he ate himself to death Se7en style.

You guys should try to go to one of these places if you ever get the chance. It is a trip. Meg, I hope you had an awesome birthday. And I'm sorry I said that the flank steak looked like poop sitting on my plate. What can I say-I really know how to class up a joint.

Belated Grey's Recap

I wasn't home Thursday night so I had to watch Grey's and The Office on Friday morning before I left to go out of town this weekend. More on both of those events later. Don't read this if you haven't seen The Office or Grey's.

The Office
All I have to say is "DWIGHT GOT A HOOKER!" I seriously almost peed my pants.

Grey's
Okay I thought Thursday's episode was awesome. That is the most I've seen Meredith smile in a long time, and it was nice.

The underpants scene was fantastic. I love Bailey: "I know it's one of you two. It's always one of mine." Speaking of Bailey, the Nazi is back and in full effect, and it's awesome! She is seriously the best part of this show. The scene with her and Izzie was unbelievable. I was crying like a little baby. I want Bailey to come take care of me.

I love that even though Alex is an ass he is still trying to protect Izzie. He totally still loves her. Also him doing the patient in the bathroom was hilarious. He really is a little man-whore isn't he. A hot little man-whore.

Okay I'm just laying it out there now: I have a crush on Burke's dad. Seriously how awesome is he!? And the scenes with Christina and Burke's mom are priceless. Could his mom be any more opposite than Christina? It's awesome.

I agree with Carly, I'm really starting to like Callie. That was so cool that she covered for Meredith. She is making a huge effort to fit in with George's friends, and he's crazy if he doesn't see that. Um also when Meredith was like, "Callie's hot. She's really really hot-like almost dirty hot." I laughed. Then I was picturing getting caught dancing in my underwear by my boss. And it was a horrifying image, you guys. It really was. And it didn't include my boss and I drinking coffee on my bed-me still in my underwear. What was that about. The first thing you do in that situation besides try to run away is put some pants on. Callie sure does love walking around in her underwear.

Okay did anyone else totally melt when Finn brought Izzie lunch then got all sexy in Meredith's face and was like, "I'm not that sensitive." and pushed her up against a wall to kiss her!? I was like-um....rewind! That was hot. He is hot and nice, and like Meredith said, "He's the guy who brings your roommate lunch when she's sad." Do those guys really exist? If you know of any, please send them my way. Thanks.

Meredith was way more likable this episode, and it's nice to see her smile again. I really do like her. I like that she called McDreamy out on the "you're still married" thing. And I like that she decided to date both of them because honestly how do you choose? You can't so you date both until one of them gets sick of it then it's decided for you. It's what I like to call "the easy way out". I have perfected this method for almost every aspect of my life. I have yet to use it in a situation where 2 medically trained hot men with scruffy 5 'o clock shadow want to date me, but when that situation arises, I will be ready.

And then McDreamy. While I felt his talk with Addison ("I'm going to eat all of these muffins and get really fat.") was late, it was still heartfelt. I really felt bad for both of them that they had to admit their marriage was over. They're not meant to be, and that's pretty obvious, but it doesn't mean they didn't care. I was just really sad for them. And then the bathroom door opened up, and I was blinded by abs and arms and thigh and calves and almost ass. The Hot radiated from the screen and burned with the heat of a thousand suns. Then McSteamy said, "This is awkward." And I said a silent prayer that his towel would magically fall to the floor. I have never seen a more well-placed towel in my life, have you? I'm just saying that man is blessed. And I am blessed that he is going to be on again next week. Hey, writers, can I get a "series regular" please? I think I should be able to see him every week. Preferably in a towel.