Thursday, June 09, 2005

Hit Me Baby One More Time: Week Two

Another episode of "Hit Me Baby One More Time" is behind us. Let's just get right down to it.

My comments:

The Knack – What a great idea cryogenically freezing yourselves until your appearance on "Hit Me Baby One More Time". It definitely paid off as you looked and sounded exactly the same. If Vanilla Ice didn't win, you should have.

Haddaway – You actually don't sound that bad. I'm glad to see you're still completely against wearing shirts underneath sport coats or vests, etc. Good for you. Don't let them change who you are. Hearing about what you were doing now was fascinating since your current activities consist of buying bread and golfing. Actually that's not a bad life. I'm a little bit envious. A couple of tips for the next time you go out on stage:
1. Having slutty dancers up there with you was a nice touch. But maybe next time we could see less bare ass on that one girl. You know the one.
2. Never crawl on stage ever again.

Tommy Tutone – Okay so "867-5309/Jenny" came out in 1981 which was 24 years ago so that means you were…..carry the one….approximately 83 years old when it was released-based purely on how you look now. Dear God, man. What happened? And hey-thanks for reminding us why you were a one hit wonder: because you lack musical talent of any kind. At least you don't seem bitter at all about being a computer programmer now.

The Motels – When I heard you were going to be on, I was like, "Who?" Then when I saw you tonight, I was like, "Who?" Seriously-was "Only the Lonely" that big of a hit that they needed to bring you back so that you could force it upon us once again? And don’t get me started on your cover of Norah Jones's "Don't Know Why". I watched the whole performance in pure horror. Kim described it as a "train wreck", and Kim was right. Hey, lead singer lady, you're pretty old. You should date Tommy Tutone.

Vanilla Ice – I have one word for you, Robert Van Winkle: AMAZING. Holy shit you were awesome and totally deserved to win. I think the dancing is what sealed it for you. Your cover of "Survivor" by Destiny's Child sounded exactly like it except for the part where you rapped all new words and changed the entire chorus. Also because of your performance tonight, I am inspired to hire my own personal break dancer. By the way, if you are single you should date my friend Kim. She only calls you Robert Van Winkle, and she even ditched school one day to go see the Ninja Turtles movie with you in it. Or maybe it was "Cool As Ice". Does it really matter? Date her!

Host - I still hate you, but when you said, "Ladies and gentleman, if you're wondering—yes you did just see that" after Vanilla Ice's performance, you won a little piece of my heart.

Next week – Wang Chung, Howard Jones, Cameo, Sophie B. Hawkins and Irene Cara. Irene Cara, you will be singing "What a Feeling", and I will absolutely be losing my mind in my living room.

11 comments:

Ryan said...

Right there with you across the board.

Can't believe I would ever suggest that Vanilla Ice deserved to win anything, but tonight he did. I still feel a little sorry for him--because he just might be insane.

His personal break dancer nearly had me in tears.

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

Sarah, Sarah, Sarah. Vanilla Ice did a very good M&M impression, but other than that...

The whole personal break dancer thing was weak. I'm suprised the NAACP isn't all over him today about it.

I can't believe Ashley Simpson is going to be on next week. Wonder if she'll be singing live?

Anonymous said...

And by "live" you mean...

Jenn said...

Yes! I knew you would write about it today. I agree with your take on the show. I hooted like a frat boy when the host made that "yes, you did just see that" comment.

Nothing too horrifying this week (as Loverboy last week). Although, Tommy Tutone had the potential to freak me out had I given a rats ass about him back in the day. ;-)

Tigerlily said...

IRENE EMM-EFFING CARA?!!!!
You have go to be shitting me. No, I am shitting myself. I am SO watching next week!

John said...

I'll go on record right now as saying Howard Jones is the single greatest musical innovator ever and will amaze every effing person when he takes the stage next week. I'm sorry he's been reduced to this but his performance will surely generate another tour for me to go and lose my mind at.

~jess~ said...

I still have never seen that show.

When a friend of mine was 10, Vanilla Ice called him fat. Ha ha ha ha!

Johnny Virgil said...

Howard Jones is a freakin' genius. No really -- he invents stuff and writes music software.

Like I told sarah earlier, I'm pretty sure "Vaniller" sleeps in a giant vat of formaldahyde.

Anonymous said...

ps - shamus, who was first? Damn straight, kojak.

ARM said...

I missed the show again, but taped it again. I think I'll just let you give me the run-down each week rather than watching it -- it's much funnier.

danielle said...

i'm so watching the catch-ups this week so i can see the 'toxic'.