Hit Me Baby One More Time: Week 1

I hope you all watched the first installment of "Hit Me Baby One More Time" on NBC last night. It was a feast for the eyes and ears. Diane, Meg and Kim came over to watch it with me, and we all decided that we will do whatever it takes to be in the studio audience for one of these shows.

My comments:

Loverboy - More like Lardboy. What's goin on, lead singer? As Erik said, "It's like he ate the younger, previous version of himself." You sounded okay on "Working for the Weekend", and I have to say, we were rockin out in my living room. Then you brought down the house with your version of Enrique Iglesias's "Hero". And by "brought down the house" I mean you made us all want to kill ourselves. I'm more than impressed that you guys still do 100 shows a year, but can you really call singing at a car dealership opening or by the Borders entrance a "show"? Because I'm fairly certain those are the kinds of things people are inviting you to do.

CeCe Peniston - Yeah I don't care about you. I don't think the show does either since you were added as the fifth act about 10 minutes before the show started. You have a nice voice, and you kind of look like a man. That is all.

Flock of Seagulls - You guys have managed to age 312 years in only 20. I think you guys age in dog years. You also seem to be the only ones still taking themselves seriously. Here's a newsflash-your old hairstyle is more famous than you. You covered Ryan Cabrera's "On the Way Down" which is a great song yet somehow ended up sounding like "I Ran". You guys seriously aren't letting go of new wave, are you? Or your ponytails.

Arrested Development - Have you aged at all in the past 15 years? Not only that, you may have actually gotten more talented. I am impressed, that's for sure. You deserved to win-although I am still obligated to give you all a beat-down since you defeated Tiffany. I think what won it for you was the old man walking around stage and/or sitting in a rocking chair clapping the whole time. How can you argue with that kind of genius?

Tiffany - I heart you so effing much I can't even stand it. I thought you did awesome and should have won, and I don't care what anyone says. And I did not even notice that in your first outfit your boobs were waving to the people in the studio audience, and you looked pregnant. Nor did I notice that in your second outfit we realized that you weren't pregnant-that it was just your fat roll hanging over the sides of your...skirt? Napkin? Whatever it was-it was appropriate for your age. I have been listening to your greatest hits since last night, and I have decided we are fat roll buddies.

The host - Who are you? Why are you so freakishly tall? Why are your two front teeth so long? What's up with your giant lips? How come when you say "Vanilla Ice" it sounds like "Vaniller Ice"? Seriously who are you?

The voting - WTF! The studio audience gets to vote? That's bullcrap! I thought we were the ones who got to vote a la "American Idol". I guess this show doesn't have the same kind of budget-which is shocking. Hello-do you know what kind of numbers a fat Loverboy can bring in?

Studio Audience - I will bitchslap all of you for not voting for Tiffany.

Sidenote about Tiffany - Do you think when they introduced her as once being America's Favorite Teenager, Debbie Gibson completely snapped and drove to Tiffany's house and murdered her in her sleep?

To Debbie - I love you, too. No I won't choose. I love you both equally.

Next week's line up includes The Knack, The Motels, Vanilla Ice and Tommy Tutone. It also includes me getting drunk and singing and/or dancing along in my living room.