Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Letters for June 7, 2005

Dear bugs living inside my apartment,
Look I know this is a very old house. I know we are close to the lake so there are more of you-not to mention more species of you. But this is my house, and I still have to live here for a few more weeks so here's the deal: Anyone possessing more than 2 legs is not to show their face, get in my food, be anywhere near my bed or be on anything that I might potentially at some point pick up or touch or have near me. Violators will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of me crushing the shit out of you and flushing you down the toilet while I laugh. Do not test me. They didn't call me The Ladybug Slayer in college for nothing.

Dear coughing guy at movie theater,
I'm sorry we all laughed really hard the first few times you coughed/gagged/probably vomited in your own mouth a little bit. We didn't realize your situation. Had we known you were seven trillion years old and clearly ready to die, we probably would've been more sensitive. Although, I swear I almost called 911 for you about seventeen times. I didn't see you leave the movie theater after the show, but I presume they brought in a gurney and wheeled you outside and straight into a waiting hearse. I hope you enjoyed your last movie at a theater. You picked a good one. God bless.

P.S. I think you left part of your left lung in the cup holder. Just FYI.

Dear window air conditioner in my room,
You…..complete….me.

11 comments:

Adam said...

The LadyBug slayer? Man, you're hardcore! Other bugs are easy to squish, it's practically reflex, but LadyBugs, dude, you've gotta psych yourself up to take on something that little and cute. Most people/all people aren't strong enough. Hardcore.

"AG" said...

Yesterday my husband and I took a long walk as the sun was setting, and all I did was talk about how in love I am...with our window air conditioners.

Tigerlily said...

We put in our AC the other night, and I made sure that it was in the window on MY SIDE of the bed. I'm getting a lot of what I WANT these days, funny eh?

Sarah said...

Yeah for a while I wouldn't kill the ladybugs. I would just catch them and set them free. But after you've done that 2700 times, and there are approximately 100 of them all over your walls at a time (no exaggeration), a deep anger starts to burn within. Then it's no more Mrs. Nice Girl. Oxford (the town where I went to college) had a serious ladybug problem....and I was the solution. As well as more cowbell.

slcup said...

I love my window air conditioner as much as I love my Kate Spade purse. It is quite possibly the greatest grown-up purchase I ever made.

Other Brother said...

Window units are fine for those of you up north (and in older homes sans ductwork), but down here central air is not a luxury. It is an effin' requirement for survival.

"AG" said...

Other Brother- I'm in Maine, but when I lived in the south (NC) I hibernated indoors during the summer. I once ventured outside and it was like 105 plus 100 percent humidity. I prefer the north because in the winter you can bundle up, but when it's hot you can only take off so much, you know?

Scott said...

Amen, AG. I have my central A/C going 23 hours a day and it's still not enough in the afternoons. 9 months out of the year I wouldn't dream of opening a house or car window and I wouldn't survive without my air conditioning.
I'm actually thinking about getting a window unit to supplement my central A/C in one room, though.

Okapi said...

I dream of magic things like actually needing an air conditioner. Here in bonny Scotland we may have already experienced our allocated 3 days of summer. Damn our temperate climate.

John said...

you might not be the real Scott but getting a window unit to supplement the central air is effing awesome.

danielle said...

my dad has feelings and likes to watch movies in theatres just like all people, except me. you will not have the lake bugs in the heights so you've got that going for ya.