Friday, June 03, 2005

Lift and separate

So I bought an IPEX bra from Victoria's Secret for like $3,000. It was originally $3,005, but I had a $5 coupon. I think I was sucked in by the TV commercial with Gisele Bundtpan standing on a pedestal while a voice boomed that the IPEX was "the world's most advanced bra". Really when you think about it, how advanced could it really be? I mean, it's still just a bra. It's not like it performs open heart surgery or flies airplanes or even calculates the tip at restaurants*. But I bought one nonetheless.

I wore it today for the first time. It felt great at first, but something was amiss. The ladies didn’t look right. I couldn't figure out what it was, but they looked smaller, and I was definitely not okay with that. But it wasn't just that. What was it? Too pointy? Too high?

I asked John and Danielle to take a look-obviously. Finally John nailed it: they were too separated, too far apart. Yes a bra should lift and separate, but it should not lift and rearrange your body structure. It was like they were both trying to jump ship on me-in opposite directions. As John said, "Moses is going to come up to you and be like, 'Hey-can I get through there?'"

Here is my final rating:

Material: A+ - It seriously doesn't even feel like you have anything on.

Underwire: F - It started out okay, but by the time I got home it was trying to burrow it's way under my skin.

Pattern: A+ - I wish I could show it to you. It's really cute.

Boob appearance: D - For the reasons explained above.

Overall rating: C-

Sorry, fellas-I know this post was of more interest for the girls. I will make it up to you in my next post where I will discuss "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" and tampons.

*This is not a bad idea.


John said...

I don't know what just happened. I was starting to read your blog at like 9:00 and I ended up on the Victoria's Secret site for like 4 hours.

"AG" said...

Excellent review. I can't wait to read the others.

By the way, I sent you an email last night, not sure if you got it, but I am locked out of my hotmail account! hotmail I spit on you!

russ said...

I'm a big fan of boobs and all that can contain them, but I was really expecting a review of "Hit Me Baby 1 More Time", not your undergarment du jour.

There's so much to talk about, like:
-Could that presenter be any taller, or Englisher? Shouldn't they have gotten an old Gen One VJ for the gig?
-Given that Flock of Seagulls was giving up 10-15 years on some of the competition, but man did they suck.
-Loverboy still plays 100 gigs a year?!?!
-What's with the lame-o $20k for a charity prize? There must've been a massive appearance fee.
-The winner couldn't have been any more obvious, could it?
-What are these kids today going to do with the obvious, inescapable message that they're going to get fat?
-Flock of Seagulls totally blows.
-In 43 of the 50 states it is legal for Tiffany to shoot whoever chose her outfits (if she doesn't shoot to kill, it's 48).

Sarah said...

Russ, don't you worry. A review is forthcoming. I'm attempting to gather my thoughts.

russ said...

Oo, oo! I should've written:

-Loverboy still plays 100 gigs a year? They must've been downgraded from State to County fairs.

Okapi said...


I put it to you that there is a conspiracy between the underwear manufacturers and designers to torture and disrupt our collective bosoms. They are laughing their skinny, boobless bodies even skinnier right now, in a bombproof bunker somewhere.

I swear it's true.

ORF said...

You forgot to grade one thing: name. Grade: F-

Seriously, IPEX?!?! What is that sh*t. An animal? A tampon that also plays mp3s? A muscle group? BAH! Clearly, they spent too much R&D on the product and not the name.

Tigerlily said...

I too bought the IPEX simply because of the pose Gisele strikes in the commercial, with her arms outstreched. (I did the same pose in the Vickys Secret dressing room, unable to produce the Gisele effect on my body) I like it, but because I have to buy it in the Big Liz size, it takes away from the sessiness a bra is supposed to have, especially when it costs $3k. Overall rating from me, C+

Johnny Virgil said...

I give it a D-, mostly because when I went to buy it, the salelady told me that Gisele is not included.

diane said...

Funny you should mention the IPEX. I'm wearing mine today. I'm obsessed with the pattern to the point that I want my strap to hang out so people here at work can see how cute it is. I enjoy the IPEX more than you, probably because my boob size is half of yours so my girls are already separated. My one criticm....MORE PADDING!! I need all the help I can get VS! Give me some damn padding in this million dollar bra.

iris said...

If the IPEX is supposed to be so technologically and/or genetically advanced, why is it still an underwire?