Holiday Tree 2: A New Beginning

I'm sure you remember that the holiday tree almost died a month ago when we had to throw out the original Christmas tree. But then Aunt Nancy single-handedly saved the tradition by generously giving Steph a tree to take to her new apartment. Steph promised we could still decorate the holiday tree in her house, and she did not disappoint.

Tonight's tree decoration party had the biggest turnout yet (though we missed you dearly, Meg). Sharda even brought her younger sister, Rena, who I'm almost positive thinks we are all extremely uncool. I'll just say that with that line of thinking, Rena, you are about on par with what the rest of the world thinks of us. Also, I hope I spelled your name right.

We decided not to do a specific holiday this time. Since our friends Gerbs and Shannon are getting married on Friday, we did a "wedding season" tree. I have to say that I think this one might be my favorite. Or at least tied with the catch-all tree we did last time. We decorated this tree with extreme reverence for the sacred rite of marriage, and I think you'll agree once you see it.

Here is the finished product:




















Now before we go in for a closer look, I just want to say a couple of things:

1. This isn’t kid-friendly.
2. I'm sorry, Mom and Dad. You haven’t completely failed as parents. I promise.

First an ornament created by tearing out a page in a "Weddings for Idiots" book explaining the proper way to line up at a wedding:



















I'm not sure who made that, but they have helpfully put a red X through the improper one. The other way to tell that it's improper is that it has the midgets standing on both ends when everyone knows midgets are supposed to stand in front.

Meanwhile Sharda and her sister were creating actual decorations like this one:














I don't know if you can tell, but there is actually shading on those bells. Shading.

Here's another classy ornament:




















That is a pregnant bride next to a shotgun, symbolizing a shotgun wedding. Incidentally underneath the pregnant bride it says "Marriage is sacred".

Steph put her law school education to good use with this:




















Though it must be pointed out that she didn't know how to spell "prenuptial". If you can't read that, it says, "Whereas…She gets everything thereby he loses all assets, pride and dignity. Therefore no divorce unless she says." I've never seen an actual prenuptial agreement, but I'm like 94% sure they are written on construction paper. Plus this says "whereas" and "thereby" so it must be a legal document. Airtight, Steph. I'll be sending a copy of this to your old law professors to show them how far you've come since graduating. I'll include a picture of your cleavage so they remember who you are.

Diane was completely knocked out of her post as resident penis maker after Carrie provided this:















The level of detail on this is at once hilarious and sickening. Around the outside rings it says "What is love without sex." I'm sure your husband is touched by this memorial, Carrie.

Diane did manage to get one of her JV penises on the tree-appropriately next to the champagne glasses which is where I keep mine:












I have to verify this information, but it's possible that is the only thing Diane contributed to this tree.

Here is a picture of the actual stripper that came to Jen's bachelorette party:














I seriously can't believe that is hanging from the tree. Here's a blown up condom Steph found in her car:

















It wasn't blown up at the time that she found it which means we actually got to watch her blow it up. It was fantastic. I love that it's on the tree, but don't people get married so they can stop using condoms? Well, married or pregnant? I do.

Here's Parker peeking out at us coyly from behind the tree:




















He wants you to call him. Here's the bottom of the tree:














You will notice there are 8 empty bottles of wine. Those just happened to be laying around at Steph's apartment, and incidentally that is only 60% of her collection. I already have a call in to Mel Gibson's people for a recommendation on where to send her to rehab. Sharda brought that confetti over and started spreading it all over the floor. I gotta say…Steph = not too happy about the confetti on her floor. Which makes it that much more awesome.

And the underwear. What to say about the underwear. I thought about not implicating the owner of the slutty thong. Okay that's a lie. I was just trying to pretend to be a good friend. It's totally Steph's. Obviously.

In the middle of the inflatable doll, alcohol bottles and slutty underwear, Sharda made those pretty presents with bows. That had shading. Poor Sharda. Always trying to class up the group with no success whatsoever.

All in all I believe this is some of our best work yet. Driving home I thought, "I honestly can't believe this is how we spend our time." Did I mention that I love my friends?