Letters for January 30th

Dear rear driver's side tire,
Remember when I pulled into the garage and heard a weird sound so I looked all over the place for a leak and then I realized it was coming from you and then I sat there and watched you deflate in front of my eyes so my dad had to come over and help me change you? I do. Because it was last night. At midnight. I cannot tell you how awesome it was to be out in 15 degree weather changing a tire until 1am. I think my dad really appreciated being woken up to come over and do manual labor. I don't think he has ever wanted me to have a boyfriend more in his entire life. I think my favorite part, though, was having to get the spare tire out because whoever designed how it's stored on the car clearly hates me and my dad and will be receiving threatening hatemail in 2-4 days depending on how fast the US Postal Service can deliver it.

Dear Dad,
Thanks for coming to my rescue again. I promise I will find a boyfriend soon. Or maybe I could hire a guy to just do the "handyman" stuff around the house. Any takers? In exchange for your help I will let you live with me and then marry me and have kids with me. I can't believe no one wants this job.

Dear house and car and other things I own that have a lot of things that could possibly break on or in them,
The furnace broke on me Sunday night. Then the tire last night. If you are thinking about breaking anytime soon, just...you know...just don't. I can't take it anymore.

Dear adulthood,
You suck.

Dear ladies of Cleveland and neighboring towns...and states,
I need to warn you that my friend Matt is on the prowl. Yesterday he bought an Audi TT which basically looks like this. Also we watched "How I Met Your Mother" last night, and it was the episode about how girls think architects are hot. Matt, being an architect, began practicing his opening line, "Matt LastName, Architect". It's smooth but kind of creepy. Also he has taken to describing himself has someone with "the soul of an artist and the hands of a master craftsman". Be on the lookout. If you are interested, though, let me know. I'll totally hook you up. Whoa did I just pimp you out on the Internet, Matty? Awesome.

This is what you miss when you don't watch the news

I just saw a preview of a news story that will be seen on the local news tonight. It's about a retirement community where apparently all the people do is date each other and have "relations". The name of the news report? "The Town Viagra Built". This is disturbing on several levels:

1. Old people having sex

2. My grandparents live in retirement communities

3. Someone somewhere sat in a conference room and while reading about this story came up with the name "The Town Viagra Built". I can't decide if I love or hate this person, but one thing's for sure: I need to find a job where I get paid to come up with titles for things that include the word "Viagra".

Post-Grey's report (spoilers)

Sorry for the delayed Grey's posting. Here is the most concise way I can describe my reaction to the ending of the episode: I shat my pants.

Holy cripes, people. This show owns me. First of all, the race for the chief position is fantasmic. I am loving that all these people are fighting for it, and that Richard's all like, "You guys all kind of suck." I completely panicked when McSteamy said he was leaving. I mean like PANICKED. Then, thankfully, he changed his mind. What is it about that man, you guys? When they close up on him, and he's staring at someone like Meredith or Addison-I can actually FEEL the intensity through the television. I'm 100% positive that if he was staring at me in real life, I would giggle and blush and lift my dress over my head. That's how he makes me feel. Just all tingly and funny in the pants. God damn, McSteamy. You are my density.

What about Alex totally dissing Addy!? That was amazing. I was laughing my ass off. I didn't see it coming since he's such a man whore and really takes it wherever he can get it, but I loved the twist. It brings more to his character, and Addy's face was hilarious. You could tell she was like, "WTF? Everyone wants me. What is this about?" Awesome. Although I have to say, if I was in a closet with Alex, there's no way I would not at least be trying to take his pants off. Sorry, Daddy, but it's true. Have you seen him?

Okay did anyone else cry like a baby when that Amish girl's best friend told her to go home with her parents even though she knew that meant they could never talk again or see each other or even go to her funeral? OHMIGOD. I was a mess. And then when the mom broke the rule and talked to the friend even though she was shunned. It was so amazing. Yeah-I can't watch Grey's anymore without a box of Kleenex right next to me. Oh but real quick-it was weird when they were examing that girl and she pointed to George and was like, "Hey that guy didn't get to see my business. He should come down and check out my area so he can learn." Wha??? No. No you don't volunteer that, darlin'. You just don't.

Speaking of George, that moment when Izzie hugged him and said those nice things and then went to go away, but he pulled her back to him? Holy crap. How beautiful was that. I cried, I smiled...what a perfectly captured moment of true friendship. Hopefully we're all lucky enough to experience a moment like that. Oh how I loved that scene.

Bailey was magnificent this episode. Still one of my most favorite television characters of all time. She's so strong and smart and resilient and good-hearted and-well really I could go on and on. When the chief said, "You will be chief resident one day." just so absolutely sure, I thought it was fantastic. I mean, duh-obviously she'll be chief because she's amazing, but still it was a great moment. Whoa and what about the chief's wife doing anothery guy? Who knew she was so slutty! Nice, Adele!

Um also I want McDreamy to say to me, "I will always come back." I turned into a pile of mush when he said that, and it wasn't even directed at me.

Now about the ending. Holy. Fucking. Shit. I did NOT in any way see that coming. The Burke one surprised me less because she was talking, and he was just staring at her, and in my head I said, 'What if he asks her to marry him?' Then he did. But the George proposal? Blew my effing mind. Here's my prediction: Callie will say no. Christina will take all episode and finally say yes. I think Callie will say no because she thinks George's proposal is coming from a place of true grief. How can she be sure this is not just a knee-jerk reaction to losing his father? She can't. And let's be honest-that's so what it is. He's not ready to marry her. He's just really sad and lonely right now missing his dad. But Christina and Burke-she even said she was in it for the long haul. I think they will end up getting married. Unless Burke gets fired from the show for being an asshat.

Some stuff

In the news:
- I don't know what to say about this. The theater community will do a play about anything. Seriously.
- This is funny. At lunch we were just talking about microwaving accidents. One time my dad and I put a 3 Musketeers in the microwave, and there was a big purple flash and the microwave shut down. Neither of us thought to take it out of the metal wrapper, and it shrunk down and molded itself onto the candy bar. It was awesome. My dad said, "Don't tell your mother." then we wrapped it in a paper towel and threw it away. John once set a piece of pizza on fire in the microwave his parents had just bought a week earlier. And new guy, RTFM (read the fucking manual), apparently microwaves everything. He started telling us about all these things he put in the microwave and got weird results. Like if you cut a grape almost in half and lay it down in the microwave some sort of weird plasma bubble forms over it. WTF. I picture RTFM like Phoebe's brother, Frank, on "Friends". Remember how his hobby was that he melted stuff. That's RTFM. He microwaves stuff.
- Holy shit this is the closest we've ever come to Star Trek. Set your phaser to "stun". Yeah I did just whip out some Star Trek knowledge. I have many levels, you guys.

- On Monday I was in the elevator with this woman, and we started talking about the weather, and she asked me if I knew what the weather was going to be like on Wednesday. I said I didn't know but that knowing Cleveland in January, it would suck. Then she said, "I hope it's nice. That's hump day." I really didn't know how to respond to that since I haven't had a conversation about hump day since I was in 6th grade.

- You know how when you have the TV on in the background, but you're not really paying attention to it because you're so deeply entrenched in whatever else you're doing like cleaning or reading (playing electronic Tetris) so you end up watching some lame ass show, and you don't realize it until it's halfway over? That's what happened to me last night, and can I just say that it is extremely depressing to hear a really great song that you love playing on "One Tree Hill"? Now it's tainted. Goddamn you, Chad Michael Murray. God. Damn. You.

Letters for January 23, 2007

Dear Roseanne Barr,
Your show seriously effing sucks. How come I didn't notice that when it was on? I watched it on Nick at Nite a couple days ago, and I wanted to kill myself. Well, really I wanted to kill you, but I have easier access to me.

Dear Nick at Nite,
What the hell are you doing. Stop airing Roseanne and Full House. Have some self respect for the love of God.

Dear Cartoon Network,
While I'm writing to TV stations, I'd just like to say a couple things to you. First, great work on bringing Frisky Dingo on board. That is an effing fantastic show. And second, I hate when I fall asleep watching your network, and I wake up in the middle of the night to Japanese anime. I'm sorry, but it's just creepy. Fullmetal Alchemist scares the crap out of me.

Dear Christmas decorations,
Okay so I collected you from throughout the house and put you in a pile on my dining room table. Could you be dears and see that you all get in the rubber storage bins and up on the shelves in my garage? I would do it myself except that I have so much going on like thinking about vacuuming and eating diced peaches and pretending I'm Ann Wilson singing "Magic Man" into my hairbrush. So if you could just do this one thing for me, that would really help me out a lot. Thanks.

Dear Internet,
I'm not even going to pretend that I tried to watch the State of the Union address. "Veronica Mars" was on. So you know.

Dear British kid from "Cry Wolf",
I don't know who you are, but, my, you are a little cutie piece of Britishness. I would like to import you from the motherland.

Dear coworker G,
Every day I wake up, and it takes every single last ounce of energy and willpower in my entire 5'9", million pound body to get myself out of my Beech-sheet-covered bed and into the shower and then drive myself 30 minutes to my soul draining, spirit killing job where before I even take off my coat 10 people call me to ask me questions and my boss leaves me notes like "See me". The one bright spot in my morning is getting to fill out the Sudoku puzzle on my daily tear-off calendar. So let's imagine, if you will, how I must feel when I finally have a minute to breathe and do my puzzle, and it's already filled in. There are no words, G. No words. Only anger. The kind of anger that is so strong it literally takes on its own form and personality-Incredible Hulk style. That is what you do to me when you fill out my puzzle, G. And I'll tell you what-I don't know how much longer I can control the monster from jumping over the cube wall and strangling you with your own phone cord. If you force me to lock up my tear-off calendar, I will do it. But it will be the most ridiculous thing that has ever had to be done in an office setting, and I will resent you forever. I will also blog about it. STEP AWAY FROM THE CALENDAR.

Thursdays just make me really happy

So there's something I've been meaning to tell you for a little while, but I just haven't had the chance. There's someone new in my life. Meet my new boyfriend*:


















His name's Blue iPod Nano, and we are in love. It took me a while to go buy him because it's a lot of money for something I really didn't need, but that is where Christmas money from the grandparents and parents comes in. I got him a week and a half ago, and after I struggled for a half hour just to get him out of the package (seriously), I spent the first 24 hours staring at him. He is so beautiful. Then I decided to figure out how to put music on him. The first song I put on there? "All Night Long" - Lionel Richie. Seriously. Since then I have been filling him with songs. I am not done, but I have 600 on there with room for another 400 or so. That is lovely. Just lovely. I haven't gotten used to the fact that those are all the songs I chose so when I put him on shuffle, and a new song comes on I'm always like, "Oh my God I LOVE this song!" Then I remember that that is because I filled it only with songs I love.

You know how dogs can sense when you are not feeling well? Well I think my iPod might be the same way. Yesterday morning on the way to work, I put him on shuffle. The majority of the songs on there are not 80's. I know that seems unlikely, but it's true. I actually do listen to music from the current decade despite appearances. However, these are some of the songs he played for me:

"Wake Up To Love" - Debbie Gibson
"Stay the Night" - Chicago
Theme song to Happy Days
"Straight Up" - Paula Abdul
"Caribbean Queen" - Billy Ocean

It's like he knew I needed him, and he reached into his bag of healing and pulled out the perfect prescription. Oh and I know you're wondering so I'll just tell you-yes I have TV theme songs on my iPod. Is this really of any great surprise to you?

Thursday TV (spoilers within)

Grey's Anatomy: Honestly every scene with George was absolutely heart wrenching, and I bawled like a baby the entire time. His speech to his dad asking him to fight just a little longer. His outburst at Bailey and the chief. And then when it came time for the family to decide whether or not to take his dad off life support, and George had to decide. He was searching the room desperate for help from anyone, and his whole family was just looking at him, needing him to decide. Oh. My. God. I couldn't deal with it. And then Dr. Bailey who's always in control and was just not in control. "My son is named after his son. I just need a minute." That is some brilliant writing and the acting just knocked my socks off last night.

Carly totally called the thing about Addison and the baby last week. That's really sad, but McSteamy's answers to Callie's questions were hysterical. "Do you like kids?" "It depends on how loud they are." Awesome. I can't deal with how hot he is. It's just not feasible that one person would contain so much hot. Whenever he and Alex are on screen together, I don't know who to look at. My eyes are actually sore after darting back and forth so rapidly. Speaking of Alex and Addison, what about Alex and Addison? They obviously do not have lasting potential, but they sure look nice together. I wonder if Izzie will go a little batshit when she finds out. She usually goes batshit about stuff. Although I liked her last night. When she said she got up and baked and cleaned the bathroom floor in anticipation of what George would have to go through, I thought it was very touching. Plus I'm happy to see she isn't being a complete basketcase about the money and actually used some of it.

Most importantly what happened during Grey's last night was the preview for "Lost". Only 3 more weeks!!

The Office: How miserable did Michael look without Dwight? He looked so sad. And I'll tell you what-Ed Helms is an effing genius. We always knew they were going to have to write out his character at some point, but who plays an annoying psycho as wonderfully as Ed Helms? No one. I just about pissed my pants when he was playing his self-recorded Rockin' Robin ring tone. It's so fantastic to see someone who creeps out Michael. My favorite quotes from Michael re: Andy:

- "He's always up in my bidness. Which is Ebonics for being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me."
- "Andy is like Marv something: great sportscaster, big weirdo creep."

Other highlights:
- Mexicanity (firecrackers, chihuahua, chimichanga)
- "I DON'T TRUST YOU, PHYLLIS!"
- "How was your gaycation? I thought of that like 2 seconds after you left."
- Professional resume, athletics and special skills resume, Dwight Schrute trivia
- Ryan putting the tilde over the 'n' in lemonade and then shrugging at the camera
- Phyllis saying she has a big personality and that sometimes when two people who have big personalities interact it's explosive.
- "Just go with the copy paper. It's your funeral."
- Jim still has feelings for Pam! No big surprise here, but I thought it was mature of him to own up to it. He didn't try to cover it up or anything, and he actually looked sad to have to admit it to himself. We've all been there-you want so badly to move on then when you realize you haven't it really sucks.

Scrubs: Okay I realize that part of my personality makes me prone to exaggeration. I freely admit this. Like how I always say something made me pee my pants, that's only true like 25% of the time. But I will say this right now. The Scrubs musical episode was one of the greatest half hours of television I have ever seen. I couldn't breathe during the stool sample song. Literally couldn't breathe. The show is pure genius. That one is never coming off the DVR.

*Other new boyfriends you should be aware of**:

1. Hot, beautiful, not-in-enough-movies, reason-I-watch-Glory-Road-every-single-day boyfriend
2. Secret Service Aaron from "24" who kicks total ass boyfriend

**One of these days I'm going to have an actual new boyfriend, but no one is going to believe me because I say that everything/one is my boyfriend. I'll be all, "You guys I totally have a new boyfriend." and you guys will be like, "Yeah, yeah, Sarah-who is it? Your new cell phone? A new brand of vodka? The guy who works at Convenient Mart who let you in to buy Salt and Vinegar Pringles even though the store was closing? I'm sure you really have a new boyfriend. Come on guys-let's go find another blog to hang out with."

I actually wish I did not have a neck or ears right now

So yeah-I'm still alive. But barely. I got blindsided by illness on Monday. Everything from my neck up is infected. Here is an artistic rendering of how I feel:











Truth be told that's a rendering of how I feel emotionally. In order for me to post a rendering of how I feel physically, an NC-17 rating is required for graphic violence. I'm a little better today, but it feels like cats have been using my throat as a scratching post.

Things I did while I was sick:

1. Moaned and whined and called my mom crying while saying, "I need my mommy." (I'm not kidding. I really did this. She'll tell you.)

2. Caught up on "24". My comments:
- This show is effing incredible except I'm getting a little sick of killing off main characters for shock value. It's growing tiresome.
- The ending of Monday night's episode made me almost poop my pants.
- Jack Bauer is so a part of my vocabulary and of pop culture that on the show when he calls someone and says, "My name is Jack Bauer" and the person hasn't heard of him, I am literally in utter disbelief. Um hello-he's JACK BAUER!!! Then I remember that on the show he's supposed to be in covert ops and nobody is supposed to know who he is except for people in our government.
- I would have sex with Jack Bauer for 24 hours straight. So would all my guy friends. That's not a joke.

3. Watched the Golden Glo-zzzzzz. Oh sorry. Even mentioning it again made me so bored I fell asleep. What a snoozefest. And don't even get me started on how Leo didn't win for "The Departed". That is just...that's a sin. That's what that is. If he doesn't win an Oscar, someone's going to get a nasty letter from Okay Seriously.

4. Watched "30 Rock" on DVR which is a show that I feel just keeps getting better. Here's an example. Tracy (Tracy Morgan) wants to thank Jack (Alec Baldwin) for helping him to earn some extra money:

Tracy: I'm gonna make you a mix tape. You like Phil Collins?
Jack: I have two ears and a heart, don't I?

Brilliant!

5. Watched Demetri Martin's Comedy Central stand up special on DVR. Let me tell you something. If you like yourself at all, you will find a way to watch this. I just looked it up, and it will be on Comedy Central again on 1/29 at 10pm and 1/30 at midnight. You're welcome.

NBC's Thursday night line up is totally Must See TV again

Can I just say that I have no idea why my friends keep asking me to be on their volleyball team or why they want to be seen with me in public at all. We had our second game tonight.

1-I just plain suck. I never know which way to put my hands so I end up punching the ball with all my might and it goes directly left or directly right.

2 - Instead of making any effort to get to a ball that's outside of about a 15 inch radius around me I just kick at it (actually tonight this worked twice and last week it worked once-I am awesome).

3 - As we were starting one of our matches, I was telling Renee from across the court that I think the hair on my right side is shorter than the hair on my left side then I realized it was quiet and the ref was staring at me and everyone was waiting for me to be done talking about my asymmetrical hair so we could actually play volleyball.

4 - When we were on our 5th and last game (seriously-5 games. Every week.) and we had lost the previous 4, I decided to use an intimidation technique wherein I tucked my shirt underneath my sports bra. Not my entire shirt-just the portion right by my bra. I tried to draw a picture with disastrous consequences so just do this: with both hands grab your boobs (woman or man boobs-doesn't matter) with your fingertips facing in toward the middle of your chest (your fingers will be perpendicular with your body). Now, where your pinky fingers are, imagine tucking the fabric all across that line up under your bra (or Bro). That is what I did. And that is how I played volleyball. Suz was mortified. I saw her trying to actually will her body to get shorter so she could become part of the floor, and then no one would think she actually knew me. Not only that, but I started the game by serving so I was on display. And I yelled, "You guys ready for some vball or what!!??" And I hopped right before I served. I hopped a lot, you guys. P.S. I hope someone, for example your boss, walked in on you when you had your hands on your boobs.

I've asked this a million times, and I'll ask it again: why are people friends with me?

Quick recap of our Thursday shows:

The Office: First of all, Michael's little computer friend, Harvey, was awesome. I can't believe he put post it note eyes and a wind up mouth on it. At the end of the scene when he made it say "boobs" I pissed myself. Man, I've said the word "boobs" a lot in this post. That should bring in some pervys, huh?

Also, I cannot deal with Andy. He is so effing funny. When he picked Michael as his sales partner, and said, "Michael Scott P.H.D. Dr. of Sales." I was like, "Oh my God-NEVER leave me, Andy!!"

Other highlights:
- Jim slapping Dwight
- Phyllis and the beauty parlor. I love Phyllis!
- Andy's Oompa Loompa song. Holy crap. Ho. Ly. Crap
- Dwight listening to "Kickstart my Heart" to pump himself up
- Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice, strike three.

I need to see how this Dwight thing is going to pan out. I have a feeling it's going to be awesome. Especially with Angela and Andy. Oh man-she is pissed. Fantastic.

Grey's Anatomy: Man, I missed this show. I'm really going to need Patrick Dempsey to watch me while I sleep, thanks. He is so hot. I'm also going to need Izzie to stop being such an effing basketcase about the money Denny left her. Aw, I'm so sad, my fiance of 5 minutes left me 8 million dollars, and I can't cash it because...because why? I DON'T KNOW. That storyline was lame. I'm sorry, but it was. I understand she's sad. But come on. Lame.

George is absolutely blowing me away. I guess it's not really George-it's T.R. Knight. He is an incredible actor. Every time he was on the screen tonight I was close to tears-except for when he was freaking out about seeing his dad after surgery and Meredith went out into the hallway and told him to breathe and he grabbed her arm and was shaking. I wasn't close to tears then-I was bawling like an effing baby. Oh my God they're going to kill off his dad, aren't they? I don't think I can take it. By the way, that moment with Callie and George when they were excited about his dad's pee was so precious and lovely. I rewound it to watch it again.

HolycrapAlexandAddison! So awesome. I know not everyone is behind this, but I totally am. They are both beautiful, and they love babies. Honestly I was MELTING when he was stroking that baby's head looking all worried about her. Then when he said the reason he purposely pissed off McSteamy was solely because he was rude to Addison? Hi, swoooon. I know Addy's a little bit of a slut, but I say good for her. If she's able to get every hot guy within the Seattle area then she should go for it.

Scrubs: Best line: JD wants to watch Elliott's TV, but she doesn't want him to so Keith walks out and is wearing his high school wrestling outfit, prepared to fight JD if he tries to turn it on:

JD: Nice singlet. Does it come in hetero?

God I love that show.

Animals with gliding membranes are so cute

About a year ago, Scott, kind of in passing, told me about this guy that Johnny Virgil used to work for who used to bring in a sugar glider to work with him every day. What's a sugar glider you ask? It's a small marsupial possum. Seriously. This man brought in an animal and kept it in his pocket and/or a sock tacked up to his bulletin board. At that moment the conversation completely halted because I physically couldn't let it move on. I had about 700 questions. Okay really I had like 10 questions, but I asked them over and over and over again:

1. Wait, so like he brought an animal in with him?
2. Like to work?
3. Seriously?
4. Are you fucking kidding me?
5. How did he not get fired?
6. Seriously?
7. He brought an animal to work in his pocket?
8. Every day?
9. Wait what?
10. Am I on candid camera?

Shortly after that, Scott asked Johnny V. to verify the story and I had all the same questions for him. I also begged him to write a post about it and, mercifully, he did. I have now heard this story about 20 times from 3 or 4 different people, and I still cannot believe what I am hearing. I honestly can't wrap my brain around how this is possible, but I have to accept JV at his word.

Well today, via inner office mail, I received this:





















Johnny Virgil actually found this at his desk and sent it to me. In case you can't read it, it's called "Sugar Gliders: A Complete Pet Owner's Manual". And it's not just any manual it comes "With a special chapter: Understanding Sugar Gliders". He signed the inside cover for me: "Sarah, Keep Smilin'! JV's Old Boss's Name Here". Goddammit why is JV the greatest person ever on Earth.

My coworker and I spent a good 30 minutes reading passages from this manual aloud and making fun of the illustrations. I could really just reprint the whole thing as a blog post it's that funny, but I won't do that to you 1) because it's plagiarizing and 2) because it's about effing sugar gliders. I just need to show you this one paragraph. It's on the Preface page where there's a little personal anecdote by the author. In the top right corner there sits a pink shaded Warning! box. And this is what it says:

"While sugar gliders may be beneficial to your emotional health, it has been observed that prolonged exposure can lead to an obsessive preoccupation with them, resulting in an overall decline in housework, homework and television watching. Those affected may develop odd speech patterns in which the words sugar glider are uttered in almost every sentence. Those with symptoms of Chronic Obsessive Sugarglideritis (C.O.S.) should seek solace from similarly affected individuals. To date, no cure has been found for this highly contagious condition."

--Caroline MacPherson, Sugar Gliders: A Complete Pet Owner's Manual (this is my way of including a bibliography).

I...I have no idea what to say. It's like where do I even begin to make fun of this. There are too many ways. So I'll just leave you with this. One of the headings for a section in this book is "Encouraging Your Pet to Glide You". [Insert dirty animal sex joke here.]

John says BCS = Bull Crap System

Oh my God I am so excited for the BCS Championship game tonight! Wait...it was last night? Did anyone tell the Buckeyes? Because I don't think they showed up. Holy crap, Buckeyes. What the hell happened? All I know is I do not want to see Steph until she has calmed down. You know, in like 20 years.

You're PMSing pretty hard, huh?

- Friday morning after a stellar episode of The Office, I came in to work and a message was sitting in my inbox from packaging@dundler-mifflin.com. The subject line was "you're not going to believe this...". There was a picture attached called "jamaican-jan-sun-goddess.jpg". When I opened it up this is what I saw:
















I love Johnny Virgil.

- My friend Special Dark who is actually a Jamaican sun god and who has said to me in the past "I know I'm your token black friend", wrote this to me while we were discussing 1) a party we went to and 2) completely unrelated, a bad thing that happened a couple weeks later: "It's the black curse. That's it .. no more parties where I am the only dark cloud."

- On Thursday I was in a meeting where we were actually talking about how we would use this one giant dry erase board , and we spent, literally, 45 minutes talking about which color post it notes we should use, which shape (square or rectangle?), what we should use to write on the post it notes, how big the post it notes should be, etc. Someone actually said, "I really think we should use marker rather than pen or pencil." and everyone in the room nodded in agreement while saying, "Great idea!" "Good thinking!" Then someone shot herself. It was me. Let me just put this out there in case my feelings aren't completely clear on this subject: I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS WHAT KIND OF POST IT NOTES WE USE OR WHAT WE USE TO WRITE ON THEM OR IF I SHOULD USE TAPE TO HANG THEM UP EVEN THOUGH THEY COME WITH BUILT IN STICKY STUFF ON THE BACK I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO USE YOUR LAME ASS DRY ERASE BOARD YOU ARE WASTING MY EFFING TIME I COULD BE ON ITUNES RIGHT NOW WATCHING THE SCRUBS "GUY LOVE" VIDEO. That might be a run on sentence.

- We went to my grandparents' retirement village this weekend, and at lunch my grandma said, "You can go up and take some fruit and then take it with you. We do it all the time." So my sister went up and got a banana and stuck it in her pocket. When we were walking down the hall, this old guy walked by Diane and goes, "How about a draw?" then whipped a banana out of his pocket and aimed it at her. I almost passed out from laughing so hard. We heard that guy laughing all the way down the hallway behind us. It was one the greatest things I have ever seen in my time here on Earth.

- Crazy church saying by my house: "Forbidden fruit creates many jams." This is one of my all time favorites.

Two years? SERIOUSLY?

I realized earlier today that it's my blog's 2 year anniversary. I don't even know how that's possible. Two years? I've really been filling up the Internet with my weirdo thoughts and activities for two years? Not to sound too much like someone who just turned 30 or gets their material from clichefinder.com, but man...how time flies.

So I looked it up, and it says that the 2 year anniversary gift is cotton. Could that be any lamer? Why doesn't it just say: "Old t-shirt". Honestly. But alas, I decided to give my blog my brown blanket made of 42% cotton (does that mean I only love my blog 42%?):


















We also had a birthday party and invited my blog's friends:


















Cordless Phone, Electric Pencil Sharpener and the new guy, Handheld Tetris. They were having a great time and being very well-behaved so I left the kids alone for a while. I know how important independence is to a growing blog. By the time I came back they were all tuckered out so I put them all back where they belong. Cute little kids. Hey-it looks like my camera has more pictures on it than I remember taking. I wonder what's on here:



















Oh my God, Blog! You are such a slut! You just met Handheld Tetris like 2 hours ago! I cannot believe you would disrespect me by doing this in my own house while I was downstairs. Is that money? Holy crap you're a hooker. You're a total blog hooker, or, as they say on the street, a blooker. And apparently a bad one. A ten spot? Good God, Blog, you don't even respect yourself enough to charge more than 10 bucks? I think we need to go on Dr. Phil.

P.S. Cordless Phone, I see Electric Pencil Sharpener is hiding in the back there so I can only assume that you took this picture. You are so grounded, mister.

P.P.S. A big sincere thanks to everyone who reads this. You make me feel special and funny even though I'm really a big dork who just insinuated that my handheld Tetris game paid my blog for sex. You are all the wind beneath my wings, and I love you. Seriously. Group hug.

John and I give 100% at work

Re: Jesus...

Shop Dungs: he seemed like a cool cat
Shop: I would have hung out with him
Shop: I would have signed his yearbook
Me: totally
Me: Stay sweet, Jesus
Shop: Hey Jesus, we had some fun times in Miss G's home ec class. That one day when you kept turning my water into wine, I love you for that. Stay Cool - SD '90 Rulz
Me: LOLOL
Shop: I bet it would be annoying though if he was your friend
Shop: kinda like how Mike wouldn't tell me what was on the pre entrance exams at college because it wouldn't be fair to the other incoming students
Shop: I would be like "c'mon man just tell me the lottery numbers one time Jesus"
Me: omg yeah
Me: and like you totally couldn't have a party at his house b/c even if his dad was away for the weekend he would always know
Shop: God only knows what went on here this weekend
Shop: then Jesus is like "ah Christ, I knew he'd find out"
Me: "ah, Me, I knew he'd find out"
Shop: do you think it's ok for Jesus to take his own name in vain
Me: sure
Shop: me too
Me: it's like how black people can use the N-word I think
Shop: yeah
Shop: totally
Me: same principle
Shop: man I know Jesus would love me
Shop: me and keith went to the Cleveland State basketball game last week and we got nachos to share and obviously ran out of nacho cheese with like half the chips left
Shop: and I go "I wonder what they'd say if I took them back to the concession stand and said 'I ran out of cheese, need a few more pumps for these last few chips'
Shop: Keith was like 'try it'
Shop: so I got up and went
Shop: they filled my cheese hole for 25 cents
Me: that sounds dirty
Shop: best 25 cents I ever spent
Me: agreed
Me: nachos are useless without the cheese
Shop: Keith thought it was the greatest thing that's ever happened
Shop: he's like "I can't believe you actually went up there"
Shop: that's how me and Jesus would be too
Me: if you were with Jesus you would've said, "we need more cheese" and he'd say, "i got you, bro" and then make cheese out of thin air
Shop: hmm
Shop: what if I was like "no no man, I got this round, I'll go ask the cheese pumper lady"
Me: that would work, too
Me: cuz if she gave you a hard time you could say, 'listen these are for Jesus. do you really want to say no to Jesus?"
Shop: I thought about going back again
Shop: and getting it filled with one chip left
Shop: then seeing how much they'd charge for more chips
Me: awesome
Me: if it was 25 cents that would mean you found the greatest concession stand loophole ever
Shop: that's exactly what I said to Keith
Shop: verbatim
Me: we are the same person
Me: by the way this conversation is going to be my blog post tonight
Shop: awesome

What do you got for me, 2007?

I hope everyone had a great New Year's. As a rule, New Year's always sucks until you are married and/or have kids. Being married and/or having kids takes the pressure off. However, if you are surrounded by people you love and drinking champagne like I was, it can't be all that bad. We started off the night with Steph making us eat this:
















I'm not really sure what it's called, but it's basically bread that's in the shape of a pretzel, and you're supposed to eat it on New Year's Eve for luck in the new year. Seems easy enough, right? One thing you can't tell from this picture, though, is that it tastes like complete shit. Seriously it's the worst bread ever. The second time I ever hung out with Steph was when Danielle brought her to a New Year's party, and she brought this bread and made us eat it. Within about 10 minutes Renee was throwing it at her head from across the room. It is so gross. This time at least she provided butter so I smothered my piece in butter which made it taste like butter covered ass. If I get a lot of hits from people searching on "butter covered ass", I'm going to be really disappointed in humanity as a whole.

After the ass bread I drank a bottle of wine in 45 minutes. It's not New Year's Eve if I'm not drunk before 8pm. Then we went to dinner at a very fancy restaurant. It didn't even feel like we were in Cleveland. Dinner was surprisingly fast, and by that I mean ridiculously slow and drawn out. We were there for 3 hours, but I really didn't mind because I was having so much fun. This year was kind of screwed up for several reasons, the biggest of which was that every single person on the entire planet Earth was sick so things didn't get as crazy as they usually do (see: me wearing a sombrero making out with a mannequin head last year). But I had a great time, and I love my friends, and that's really all you can ask for. Also we put pennies in our shoes at midnight because it brings prosperity in the new year. And we sat down and stood up 12 times at midnight because that means you're going to fall in love and get married or something. It also means you're totally out of shape because after 8 times you are really tired and are thinking, "Okay if I stop now, does that mean I'll just get laid because I'm okay with that." Sorry, Dad.

Anyway, I hope everyone had a great holiday, and I wish all of you a wonderful 2007. Things we can probably look forward to in 2007:

- Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes divorce
- More of Britney's vag
- Another Paris Hilton sex tape
- George W. Bush jokes
- Me having some kind of weird sickness/ailment
- Lost, Grey's Anatomy and The Office posts
- My marriage to Michael Buble (long story that evolved at dinner but rest assured, it's happening)