Local news can bite me

Local news is ridiculous. I don't need to tell you that. But seriously I once saw a promo for a report that had a red flashing light and a siren blaring as the voiceover menacingly said, "Can salad KILL you??" I have never felt so embarassed for my city.

Earlier this year (or maybe late last year-it doesn't matter), Cleveland had a huge, giant snow storm. The next day it was like 80 degrees, and everything started rapidly melting. Now that sucks, I admit it. But it's not like the President was assassinated or McDonald's brought back the McDLT (cool side cool, hot side hot).

One local station decided it was important enough to interrupt an entire day's worth of programming so they could bring you up-to-the-minute news and information about The Melting Snow. A phenomenon not seen by this part of the country before. And, of course, by this part of the country I mean the Snow Belt.

Goddammit.

Anyway, the anchors kept saying how some roads were flooded and houses were being damaged and how you couldn't find this kind of coverage on any other station. Um duh-that's because every other station is run by someone who doesn't suck. They kept going out live to their field reporter. This field reporter was standing on a highway that was legitimately severely flooded because the snow was melting too fast for it to drain. He had on a poncho, and he looked really annoyed.

They checked in on him for an update approximately every 3 minutes, and each time he looked more and more pissed off. The first conversation went something like this:

Slutty woman anchor: "We go now to Bill who is on location on the Shoreway where they are experiencing heavy flooding. Bill, what can you tell us?"

Bill: "Well still not much progress happening here, Joan. City officials are out here trying to break up the ice that may still be covering the drains. Folks are being detoured through the city and onto I-90. Back to you in the studio."

By the end it was like this:

Slutty woman anchor: "Bill, what can you tell us about the situation on the shoreway? Any updates?"

Bill: "No."

Then there was an uncomfortable silence as Joan was clearly waiting for more information, but you could tell Bill was thinking, 'Fuck you guys in the studio. You stupid assholes. I'm out here in a goddamn poncho standing on a highway with no fucking berm watching cops drain water. I hate this fucking job.'

He instantly became my favorite news reporter ever in the history of news reporters. Well guess what?

HE EFFING WORKS IN MY DEPARTMENT NOW!!!!

I swear to God. I walked into work today knowing we were getting a new guy, and I saw it was him and just about lost my freakin' mind. He shook my hand and was so nice to me. I think I am going to bring in a poncho and have him sign it.

As a sidenote, I think that by the Transitive Property this makes me a local celebrity. If you want I will sign your boobs.