Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Local news can bite me

Local news is ridiculous. I don't need to tell you that. But seriously I once saw a promo for a report that had a red flashing light and a siren blaring as the voiceover menacingly said, "Can salad KILL you??" I have never felt so embarassed for my city.

Earlier this year (or maybe late last year-it doesn't matter), Cleveland had a huge, giant snow storm. The next day it was like 80 degrees, and everything started rapidly melting. Now that sucks, I admit it. But it's not like the President was assassinated or McDonald's brought back the McDLT (cool side cool, hot side hot).

One local station decided it was important enough to interrupt an entire day's worth of programming so they could bring you up-to-the-minute news and information about The Melting Snow. A phenomenon not seen by this part of the country before. And, of course, by this part of the country I mean the Snow Belt.

Goddammit.

Anyway, the anchors kept saying how some roads were flooded and houses were being damaged and how you couldn't find this kind of coverage on any other station. Um duh-that's because every other station is run by someone who doesn't suck. They kept going out live to their field reporter. This field reporter was standing on a highway that was legitimately severely flooded because the snow was melting too fast for it to drain. He had on a poncho, and he looked really annoyed.

They checked in on him for an update approximately every 3 minutes, and each time he looked more and more pissed off. The first conversation went something like this:

Slutty woman anchor: "We go now to Bill who is on location on the Shoreway where they are experiencing heavy flooding. Bill, what can you tell us?"

Bill: "Well still not much progress happening here, Joan. City officials are out here trying to break up the ice that may still be covering the drains. Folks are being detoured through the city and onto I-90. Back to you in the studio."

By the end it was like this:

Slutty woman anchor: "Bill, what can you tell us about the situation on the shoreway? Any updates?"

Bill: "No."

Then there was an uncomfortable silence as Joan was clearly waiting for more information, but you could tell Bill was thinking, 'Fuck you guys in the studio. You stupid assholes. I'm out here in a goddamn poncho standing on a highway with no fucking berm watching cops drain water. I hate this fucking job.'

He instantly became my favorite news reporter ever in the history of news reporters. Well guess what?

HE EFFING WORKS IN MY DEPARTMENT NOW!!!!

I swear to God. I walked into work today knowing we were getting a new guy, and I saw it was him and just about lost my freakin' mind. He shook my hand and was so nice to me. I think I am going to bring in a poncho and have him sign it.

As a sidenote, I think that by the Transitive Property this makes me a local celebrity. If you want I will sign your boobs.

18 comments:

Johnny Virgil said...

No no no. You suck at math. By the transitive property, you've touched his penis.

Scott said...

I could use a little snow right about now.

Anonymous said...

you can sign my boobs...again. -steph

Oh, that girl. said...

OOoh OOoh, SIgn mine Sign Mine!!!

( 0 ) ( 0 ) <--- your name here.

babyjewels said...

I can relate. A few days ago our local news ran footage of a coyote with a pickle jar stuck on his head. For about 5 minutes. Just disturbing, upsetting footage. No part where the pickle jar came off or anything. They cut back to the anchors and the female has no game face on. She's as horrified as I am. "well, that was unfortunate" she stammers.

And this didn't even happen in our state. so not news.

Scott said...

The first time I read this - "As a sidenote, I think that by the Transitive Property this makes me a local celebrity. If you want I will sign your boob" I swear it said Transvestite.

I mean I suck at English - but that is how I read it.

Mon said...

That WAS last year! LOL! I totally remember it! my friggin soap opera was interrupted so they could let everyone know it was flooding. Like, no one knew!

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

He must be a cool guy of he had the sense to bail from the news gig.

I know two of the local newspeople here and they were the same empty-headed morons that they were in college. Just older and less attractive now.

You have to get the behind the scenes story from him, because you know he was reamed out by his producer for "lack of enthusiasm" or some shit after that incident.

Erik Holtan said...

Maybe he saw your blog and wanted to soak in the wisdom for the furture!

Anonymous said...

Does this guy know Carol Sullivan (nee..Chandler) or Mark Nolan? If so, then we can totally have a local news reporter party since we are best friends with Carol and Mark. -diane

russ said...

I was devasted when I realized Carol Chandler was married. I've had a crush on her for years, and she always seemed to be the most accessible and hip of the local newscasters.

Also, I saw her run some goofy passing challenge at a Brown's exhibition game a year or two ago -- she's fast. Not the best arm, but she can move.

russ said...

Also, I should note that evening local news is the worst thing on the planet, and every time it is on I feel like I'm a worse person for it. Like discussing Michael Jackson.

Anonymous said...

and just to clarify...when diane said "we are best friends" with carol chandler-sullivan...she meant me too. carol thinks diane and i are cool. we have it in writing. -steph

Kels said...

Love your blog. :)

russ said...

"carol thinks diane and i are cool. we have it in writing."

On your boobs?

TinaPoPo said...

Last year in Philadelphia, we got something like 23 inches of snow in one afternoon and the whole city shut down. You would have thought the apocalypse was nigh from the news hysteria. The one channel set up shop outside of Home Depot, where people were "stocking up on salt and shovels." They interviewed this one guy and the caption under his name just said "Hates Snow." Who gets to type those things, anyway?

also, I really wish I'd seen the coyote with his head in the pickle jar. Even though I would feel bad for him.

SoozieQ said...

I too was VERY disturbed by the lack of a resolution to that coyote video. I mean, HELLO!, he can't live with that thing on his head and showing him running around isn't helping the situation. Someone DO something!

They finally showed the ending to the pickle jar coyote story.

A guy "wrestled" it to the ground pulled it off his head. The coyote ran away after that and was probably teased unmercifully by the other non pickle jar headed coyotes.

jackson davis said...

what is a McDLT?