Tuesday, August 09, 2005

My bodyguard

Lately there have been a series of muggings and car break-ins around downtown Cleveland. John is really sweet and sent Danielle and I a warning email. Not like warning us that he was going to mug us, but telling us to keep our eyes open. After reading about the hotbed of criminal activity that is exactly the area where I work, I have decided I need to hire a bodyguard.

Position: Sarah's Personal Bodyguard

Job Description: Walk me into work in the morning and then back to my car at night. I will also need you to walk with me any time I am downtown without Diane (she is really scary and tough).

Required skills: not scared of muggers, freakishly strong, knows how to fight (this eliminates many of my male friends-okay all of them), willing to sacrifice your life for me and my $7 in cash + $1.48 in stamps

Preferred skills: when confronted by muggers immediately begin choking on a Jolley Rancher (tm), spidey sense, won't laugh when I cry and/or pee my pants, expert in at least one of the martial arts (hopefully karate so you can do "The Crane"), if you are male you will make out with me like Kevin Costner in "The Bodyguard"

Salary: I will not give you the cash from my wallet because that would make you a mugger, and that means that I hired exactly the opposite of what I need. But you can come to lunch with me and the crew. It is really fun. Sometimes Derek talks about feeding broccoli to stingrays.

Note: Candy asses need not apply.


Anonymous said...

I do not meet any of the requirements listed, but I do possess a solid sense of humor and I believe that I could stop most muggers in their tracks with my amazing jokes and constant tom-foolery. I mean let's think about this now, who would ever mug Bill Murray or Adam Sandler? It would be impossible to attack them because one would be too busy cracking up and laughing hysterically. Now, I am not NEARLY as funny as those two comedic icons, but I can get a room rolling, no doubt about that. From weird hair styles including using beer as hair product, to amazingly funny dance moves (Bill Cosby dance anyone???), to raunchy dick and fart jokes, my rapier wit, biting sarcasm, and unparalleled goofiness would make me an asset as a bodyguard. However, you may still be in danger of wetting yourself because my comedy knows no limits and affects everything, and everyone in its path.

I do also feel that it is important to mention that if, by some rare chance, the assailant does NOT find me to be funny and is impervious to my jesting, and the uhh... fertilizer hits the ventilator shall we say? If this happens, my resume also shows that I am a very fast runner and I will be heading for the hills faster than you can say, "Hey dude, seriously, you are supposed to protect me against these kind of goons."

Other than that, you are pretty much safe, so uh...when's lunch?

Oh, that girl. said...

Me and my Min Pins could be your body guard. You have never known the furry of a min pin until you have seen one of my minis latch on to a mans scrotum and not let go. Yeah, don't mess with me and my dogs! XXOO

Sarah said...

Dammit Drew! You aren't my bodyguard!

Min Pin Momma, excellent idea using guard dogs! Plus they are really cute. It's really a win-win situation.

russ said...

I got into a fight at a Browns game. As an adult. It was pretty uncharacteristic, tho.

John said...

Sarah - I prefer "totally sweet" to "really sweet"

Russ - punching me in the kidney while I'm ordering a beer doesn't count as a fight.

Scott said...

I could sort of start dancing - or try to look athletic. The mugger would laugh and then we could steal *his* stuff. Yeah, we're taking back the streets bitches!

Razorsedge said...

I would volunteer, am always willing to help a lady in need, but I don't wanna live in Cleveland. I just miss TN...