Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Salad sucks

I want to put out a preemptive apology to all of those people who know me and will have to be around me for the next few weeks. If I am in a bad mood, it is because I am on a diet. It is completely self-inflicted, and it won't be your fault, but there is a distinct possibility I will act like it is your fault.

Here is why I am most angry. I went to the grocery store tonight, and here is a list of some of the items that I bought:

salad
fat free turkey
fat free chicken
salad
yogurt
celery
carrots
salad
absolutely no pop
Snackwell's
oh and did I mention salad

Now here are my general feelings on every single thing on this list:
I would rather chew on tin foil.

Seriously look at that list. Stupid effing pointless horrible salad. Why don't I just eat a box of Kleenex since it tastes just as good and is just as satisfying. Plus I am only drinking water which definitely does not have cola in it nor does it fizz and kind of make your nose burn when you drink it too fast. What is fun about that. And don't get me started on yogurt. I don't like it. I don't understand it. I want it to go away...forever.

Why am I doing this if I hate it so much?

1. My doctor is like, "You're fat."
2. I was kind of half-assing it the past few weeks, but then I saw pictures of me from Put In Bay. I quickly created a noose out of some spare birthday ribbon I had, but the damn thing didn't hold so I decided to go this route.

To my lunch crew: this will be hardest on you. Just remember that no matter how angry I am at the yogurt, it's not about you. Unless you love yogurt then I kind of hate you.

28 comments:

John said...

I'm first. Salad sucks worse than a vasectomy.

Carly said...

Coke is THE best thing, ever.

Iceberg lettuce is a waste of chewing.

PS - get the book, "Portion Teller"

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ORF said...

Hooray for blog spam.

Man, you really are a cranky pants about this salad thing, yeah? If you'd like to try another diet method, I'd suggest reading "Fast Food America." I just got through the part about the meatpacking plants...wow. So gross. Seriously, there is a very strong chance we've all eaten human remains before b/c people die in those machines all the effing time. GROSS!!!!

Nickel said...

Sarah,
I have just recently found and read your entire blog and it is some of the funniest stuff I have ever read. It takes talent to write in a way that actually makes people laugh so hard they cry. You are awesome for always finding the funny stuff even in really bad situations. I will now be a regular reader. You are awesome!!

"AG" said...

I have the cure for your nose burn craving. Poland Spring carbonated water. I once put Tabasco in it-- don't do that.

Erik Holtan said...

I tell you what, I how a low metabloism, and I eat normal, and a lot of sweets!
Exercise is where it's at, and not eating past 6pm. And NO eating a lot if you are drinking alcohol!
In fact NO beer, just drink the whiskey straight! No fat or carbs!
Just my advice, so take it for what it is worth!

Scott said...

(1) To Factor : I think I could eat a hot dog while watching a guy push a baby pig into a meat grinder, while he accidentally fell in and pooped his pants. Yummy!

(2) If you are going to be a crab-ass I want permission to punch you in the face if you try to eat french fries.

sharda said...

you were too busy pouting to notice, but I kept moving farther and farther away from you on the couch last night while you were eating your salad. you were scary.

Tigerlily said...

Number one: Don't waste your time on iceberg lettuce, it's all water. Go for darker greens like romaine and spinach. It's got more taste and nutritional value. I have been anti-iceberg since Nam.

Number two: mix it up, boil chicken, but add fun spices to make it edible. Dry-saute veggies and eat on them instead of rice and the usual "sides". I always overload on veggies and then attack the meat and heavy stuff last so I am full by that time.

Number three: GODAMMIT QUIT IT WITH THE BLOG SPAM YOU ASS-CLOWNS!

Sarah said...

Spammers - I hate you guys. Eat a large cock.

Ohreally - I totally hear what you're saying, but Quarter Pounders are just so damn good.

Nickel - Wow thanks! You're my new favorite.

AG - um...ew! Tobasco? Seriously??

Erik - I have low metabolism too and was just started on thyroid medication to help correct it. I am starting the whole exercise crap as well which I hate even more than salad. Oh and I'm trying to cut back on drinking. I mean starting now. Or like starting in September.


Scott - re: #2 - YES!! That is what I need you to do. Also hot dogs are gross even without excrement.

Sharda - I know. I felt bad for you. You were within striking distance.

Toren - I know. Iceberg is a whole lot of nothing. I like the darker greens better anyways. They are less shitty. I hate vegetables. My faves are peas and corn which my doc said not to eat too much of because they are really more of a starch. I am getting screwed left and right.

"AG" said...

Sarah- seriously. I was trying to impress someone. I think I did make an impression on them.

I wanted to add one other important suggestion- avoid the desserts with fake sugars and "fibers" (malitol, polydextrose, junk like that). They will, how can I say this delicately, create an explosive situation.

danielle said...

hey hor. diet dr. pepper is actually delicious. diet coke's not bad either. try them now.

russ said...

I've been eating like a high school girl since June 26th. Someone put together a weight challenge at work: $100 to enter, winner takes all (by percentage loss of weight). 15 peeps entered. It helps keep me motivated and interested (even if I suspect I'm out of the running).

What helps me more is Excel. I keep a damned spreadsheet of my daily weight, my daily calories, our bi-weekly weigh-ins, with graphs and targets and averages and all kinds of crap. Ridiculous, but I realized (late in life) that for me turning something into a little time consuming game (one that's easy to play while sitting at my desk at work, between surfing and schtuff) makes everything more fun. Some with budget stuff -- once again Excel to the rescue.

Anyway, it's been over 6 weeks and I'm down over 20lbs. You can't do it with food you hate tho. I suggest either getting creative with your cooking, like Toren said, or buying an ass-load of premade stuff with published calories. Last time I did this and dropped 30lbs (then let my schedule get outta my hands and took two years to gain it all back) I did it via the Stouffer's Thrift Store, where you can buy all kinds of lean cuisine n stuff for nuttin'. This time I'm doing more "whole foods" and such via the West Side Market. Lots of brown rice, foreman-grilled meat, asparagus and such. You might be able to combine the two with the magic of Trader Joe's, where eating well doesn't rape you. If you start really looking at calories of market food, you'll be pushed away from breads and starches, just so you can eat more bulk in the form of veggies (www.nutritiondata.com). Spices are good! CostCo EggSmart are good! A kitchen scale is good!

Basically my average calories over the last 6 weeks has been 1400 (I'm sure I've undercounted a hundred or so a day as well). With my exercise and caffeine (Diet Cola -- I know, I absolutely despised it before I switched. I don't feel good saying this, really, but after about a month you don't notice that disgusting aftertaste), I suspect my Basal Metabolic Rate burns like 2500-3000 per day. That gets me a couple pounds per week, but that's where women get screwed. Even with some exercise, girls have trouble pushing 2000. Sucks (btw, these are things I've collected in my study off the itnernet -- hardly authorative).

Anyway, if it's food you hate you'll eventually stop. You need to get you head right and plan set for a minimum of 6 months. You can't worry about an occasional dinner out or fall from the wagon -- think in terms of calories for 3 or 7 days, not daily. I've had dark chocolate, cheese, and restaurant meals. You just gotta remember to get back on track the next day.

I don't mean to go on so long or lecture. Obviously I think about this stuff a lot, too. It sucks, but it does feel good to see some progress. Keep posting, you'll get great feedback, it'll keep your head in the game.

Sorry for length, again. Good luck!

Sarah said...

Danielle and Russ, I LOVE diet pop. I have no problem with that. But it has aspartame which is really bad for you, and cola drains your bones of calcium. I used to drink like 6 cans a day, but I am trying to cut that back.

Russ, damn you and your Excel spreadsheet, but I should probably do that, too. I eat a lot of Lean Cuisines so I'm with you there. I like them, but they don't fill me up. Thus all the effing water. I think the other problem is that I despise cooking. It is not fun in any way. So you see this whole new getting healthier thing is a challenge in many ways for me because I am lazy in every area of my life.

slcup said...

Sarah, we're even more BFF than before - I'm in the same boat. It's all explained over at my blog...Oh, and Diet Dr. Pepper DOES NOT taste just like regular Dr. Pepper. It's a conspiracy, I tell ya!

Nickel said...

Oh my god diets totally suck!! I do have to say something that helps me is still eating some of the stuff that I like but portioning it out before hand. I have caught on that you totally love Salt and Vingegar Pringles, so buy a can and take a few (5-7) chips to work for a little snack. Then when you eat them all they are gone and going to get more out of the can won't be an option. I could never be on a diet if I NEVER ate the things I love. I don't know if this is something that will work for you but it has for me. Good Luck with the diet.

P.S. I'm so excited to be your new favorite:)

Brown Eyed Girl said...

I was a fattie once upon a time... did Weight Watchers 5 years ago, lost 30 lbs and have kept it all off (+ a bit more). Probably the best $250 I've ever spent.

Here are my best tips: Crystal light iced tea, low fat oatmeal (fills you up for hours), kids sized fries at McDonalds (for when you're really crashing... it's like a safety cheat) and any of those baked chips with a no-fat ranch dressing as dip. I'm all about tricking myself into thinking I'm still eating junk food.

And yes, salad SUCKS. good luck!

Amy said...

Sarah, don't you remember that lettuce has no nutritional value? I miss Weird Jess.

bub said...

water takes a while to like. it took me about 2 weeks of drinking only water, for me to like it. i stopped drinking pop and replaced it with water...i lost 11 pounds in 4 weeks. no real exercise, no real diet. i guess 9 pops a day really adds up.

Violet said...

Sarah, I can tell from your writing that you're not fat. Cut this diet crap out. Come to Chicago, we'll eat tiny portions of healthy stuff that tastes good. You know, like beer and pizza!

Sarah said...

Amy, I know! I was even thinking that when I wrote this.

Bub, I will be holding you to this promise that water will taste good in 2 weeks. I know you didn't promise, but I am still holding you to it. Then if you're wrong, I will kick your ass at the next mansion party. :)

Goddammit I love you, Violet.

Johnny Virgil said...

A book I swear by is called Body For Life. Erik is right -- it's exercise that is the key.

John said...

I think the key is masturbation. you should do it in front of your friends because that gets your heart rate up even more.

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miriam said...

Cola does not destroy your bones--that's an urban legend. Try a tricolor salad, and use really good balsamic vinegar.

Also, add dried cranberries and chopped nuts to salad--just a bit, it gives it some texture.

I enjoy your blog.

Mon said...

oh oh oh! I'm doing this too! We have a challenge at work too. Since I have won the Biggest Loser title the last 2 months, (which means money) I feel this makes me a professional, and I offer you this advice:
Sugar free fudgecicles. Only 40 calories. You can eat an entire box if you wanted. I feed them to people and they do not know their sugar free.
Pierre's sugar free moosetracks, also freaking rocks!!
Budweiser Select, has only 99 calories per beer too!!!!
I gave up caffine. sniff sniff. And pop, snort snort. But I do have an occasional energy drink!!
I still go out to eat. You dont have to deprive yourself, thats when you cheat.
Ive been at it for years, and tried everything, this is my first real success. great incentive, with the challenge thing, if you can get people to do it with you!

You just gotta find what works for you, but keep trying!!! Im down 24, i rock! (tooting my own horn toot toot)
Good luck!

Sarah said...

Mon, you rule and with this news of fudgecicles and moosetracks, we are BFF. I hope in a couple months I am writing on your blog about how I lost 24 lbs. :)